"Sort-of" broke up and finding it hard to move on

[the_entertainer1]

For the past 18 months I was involved in an online relationship with a guy who lives overseas, literally on the opposite side of the world. We used to email, IM and Skype several times a week. We both knew it was never going to be feasible in a "real life" sense for various reasons, but at the same time, this man became my confidant, lover and friend. The relationship was a bit unusual in the sense that we weren't really "exclusive" - that is, he wanted me to find someone in my own life, in my own town, who could fulfil the role of a partner better than he could. If that time came, he said, he'd be happy to continue our friendship but cut out the sexual aspect. (Ok, ok - no comments needed about whether an online relationship can be sexual or not - that's not what this question is about.) So throughout the 18 months or so, I dated a few different guys (for me, saying I "dated" someone means I went on a few dates with them, rather than being in a relationship with them.) The online guy was very supportive of this and went to great lengths to advise me about relationships.

 

You see, at the age of 24, I've never had a boyfriend. This online thing was just about the closest I've got, apart from a guy I dated for a couple of months without it becoming serious or "official". I don't really know the reason, but I think I saw it as a "safer" option than a "real" relationship. Because I knew that nothing could really come of it, I suppose I thought that there was less risk of getting hurt.

 

Anyway, we decided to end the online relationship about six weeks ago. Ultimately, we realised it was futile and we both had lots of other stuff going on in our lives. We've decided it would be best to give each other some space given all of this stuff.

 

So - I'm trying to move on. Still trying to find a "real life" boyfriend. On the one hand, I really want to meet someone to share my life with. I'm pretty happy with everything else, but sometimes it gets lonely. On the other hand, I'm a bit upset about the end of the online relationship. I really miss the guy, even as a friend, and go through phases where I just don't feel like meeting anyone new for fear of ever feeling like this again.

 

This is a bit problematic as of late for two reasons:

1) One guy I started talking to on a dating site around 2 months ago would like to meet up but I go through phases of wanting to and not wanting to - and I don't want to mess him around.

 

2) Another guy, a friend of a friend (who recently came out of a 4 year relationship), seems interested and we've been on 2 dates but don't seem to have much of a 'spark' - but I'm not sure if it's due to the "break-up" (if you can call it that) or just not much chemistry.

 

So a couple of questions:

 

a) is this a "normal" feeling after a break-up?

b) what's the best way to move on?

c) Guys - what do you find most attractive about women? (specific looks, personalities, interests, etc.?)

[PegNosePete]

a) is this a "normal" feeling after a break-up?

Yes absolutely.

 

b) what's the best way to move on?

Keep busy, look after yourself, concentrate on other things.

 

c) Guys - what do you find most attractive about women? (specific looks, personalities, interests, etc.?)

That's a bit of an open ended question isn't it? Not sure how this is going to help you? Obviously every person is looking for something different.

[Ninjainpajamas]

a) is this a "normal" feeling after a break-up?

 

Look around the forum, do you see people ecstatic when their relationship comes to end...especially women, even if the relationship was "bad". It's still difficult emotionally regardless.

 

It's always easy to look back on the positives, but this relationship never materialized in person so I think it'll be easier to move on from because of that.

 

b) what's the best way to move on?

 

Most people choose to move on by getting on somebody else...so to speak.

 

Personally I wouldn't consider this a very critical relationship in general life, but since you have no other real comparison of experience this must in a way feel bigger and more magnified to you...unfortunately there is a lot lacking here that you won't see until then.

 

The best way for you to move on, is just give yourself some time to stop thinking about this person, don't communicate with them even as a "friend" and then later on down the road when you're less emotionally vulnerable you can reconnect...the problem is most men exploit a woman's emotions when they know they are vulnerable to still try to get what they want for their own needs, they can be territorial and do this yo-yo thing because they don't really want to be exclusive but they don't really want you with someone else either.

 

So they either find someone else that's new (grass is greener) or go backwards in defeat rekindling an old flame (aka "I made a mistake...baybe")

 

c) Guys - what do you find most attractive about women? (specific looks, personalities, interests, etc.?)

 

I always hate this question...it's so vague and general and just comes off insecure.

 

What I like is different than someone else attractive wise...and personally pretty different than most men so we won't even go there, but if you're talking about "attractiveness/desire" for men, it's mostly physical/sexual desire for men, that makes up a large chunk of it and that's about it...it's not really about your personality/interests.

 

If he's looking for a relationship and is a bit more mature (not age but mental/experience), then that'll be more specific to what he is interested in the long-term after learning what works for him and what doesn't...assuming that he's even in that mindset to begin with, men will date women they know they aren't compatible with just for the above paragraph. But what men are typically more looking for is compatibility, someone that serves their needs in terms of looks, personality and an interest here and there but it's not typically as important to men.

 

Generally someone whom they find beautiful/attractive and someone they can get a long with, who enriches their lives and makes the day to day things more enjoyable, someone they can spend time with but also isn't too dragged down by the neck with so they can still be who they are without you attached to their hip all of the time (for independent men at least).

 

The more stereotypical attractiveness you have...the less those other qualities may matter to men, the less stereotypical attractive you are, the more those other qualities will matter...of course this level of desirability depends on the man in question on top of his options.

[Eternal Sunshine]

whatever you do don't listen to ninja. His advice sucks as usual

[FitChick]

If you don't have dating experience, dating is the way to get it. Don't go looking for Prince Charming, but just meet a lot of different men. You don't have to see them again afterwards. Either tell them you aren't ready to date now or you are concentrating on dating someone else you just met. I think it will get easier in time and you will eventually find someone you like. Otherwise you are comparing fantasy to reality and fantasy always wins.

[the_entertainer1]

Otherwise you are comparing fantasy to reality and fantasy always wins.

 

This is so true! And it's something I'm very aware of! This guy would always tell me the same thing; he'd emphasise that a real life thing is just so much better, but that I'd probably think the 'fantasy' was better.

 

I suppose, initially, it was easy. I was more open and honest with him than I've ever been with anybody else in my life before. Not that I'm deceitful and keep secrets! I just felt like I was really able to completely be myself and initially didn't matter because he was just a 'random guy on the internet'. After a while, when he was more than just a random guy, whatever I told him (however embarrassing, lol) still didn't matter because by that stage, he liked me for who I am.

 

PegNosePete Yes - my third question about what men are attracted to is a little superficial, I suppose. I know everyone's different and has different preferences. It's just that even though it was a mutual decision to end the relationship, I still sometimes feel a bit inadequate, or just like I won't attract anyone. I've mentioned this before, but I'm generally what most people would consider a "good catch". I know that sounds terribly arrogant but it's not meant to be. It's just - I'm a generally happy and fun person. I care about others. I'm well educated, have a stable job and a steady income. I keep in shape and have been told that I'm 'beautiful'. I have a variety of hobbies and a circle of friends. These are generally qualities that I look for in a partner - but I wouldn't look for them if I couldn't offer them in return. Basically, I have a lot to share with a potential partner - I just can't seem to actually 'get into' a relationship, despite going on multiple dates with a few different guys.

I think I've gone off on a tangent but the point is - the end of this online relationship has knocked my confidence a bit when it comes to being open to new relationships (as well as the fact that the guy would give me the best dating advice - and I've lost that too! lol)

[PegNosePete]

PegNosePete Yes - my third question about what men are attracted to is a little superficial, I suppose. I know everyone's different and has different preferences.

No I don't think it's superficial. You did mention interests and personality after all, not just looks. I just think it's the wrong question to be asking.

 

It doesn't matter what most guys are looking for in a woman.

 

What matters is that you find a guy who likes what YOU have to offer (and you also like what he has to offer of course).

 

As the cliche goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. I also regard myself as a "good catch", and I've been on a lot of first dates which have led nowhere. You can't let it get you down, just pick yourself up and try again. The next one might be a keeper, and the only way to find a keeper is to keep on trying.