brighterside Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Hi everyone. I guess I'll start off with a little background... Sometime in the summer of 2013, I felt like I've lost all motivation to keep contacts with everyone I knew. I was tired of trying to be friends with everyone. I didn't want to talk about it. I guess I was just tired of being the middle person of my friends. Two of my closest friends had some misunderstanding. They would both vent to me. One of them hated the other... Though the other one wanted to be friends, she was tired of trying. Inevitably, I gave up as well. Seeing that they were moving on with their lives, I decided I would move on, too. As junior year rolled in, I was on the mindset of keeping my grades up. I gave little attention to my friends and unfortunately my bf. He seemed to be busy with school and his life.. so I avoided bothering him. A month or so passed with little to no contact, I told him that I felt very disconnected from him. He didn't say anything. I was frustrated. I hated how he would always keep silent to things he doesn't know how to respond to. As with everyone, in my eyes, he was perfect... Too perfect for me. haha. I was always told I was lucky to have him. It's nice to be reminded once or twice but I feel degraded when every new person I meet tells me so. He's handsome, smart, athletic, nice, funny, caring. There's nothing more I could have asked for. I find it funny that he's so insecure even though every girl is falling head over heels for him. A few days passed. He brought up conversation about what I had said. I felt it coming. My insecurities and worries were becoming true. The following day was the end of us... We were very different people to begin with... at least that's what I thought. To me, that was was the day when we were finally both on the same page but unfortunately that was the last page of our story. Just like that... our almost two years was gone. We decided to stay friends but eventually it hurt too much to keep talking... After I came back from break after New Year's, I started to pretend he did not exist. I put away everything that he gave me. I stopped greeting him when I saw him during passing period... I gave in a couple of days ago when a friend invited us and a couple of others to hang out after school. We talked a little... we were in a group of course. I was quite happy that day. I was happy that we were friends. I wished to continue to be like this... I thought that if we weren't able to be couple, it would be nice if we were still friends... However a few days after that I felt sad again... It's been about 5 months and I still haven't gone a day without thinking about him. It seems that he has moved on. 2 months ago, he announced on his ask.fm that he liked another girl. Through my sources, I've found out who he likes. She's everything I could never be... I know I should stop comparing, but it's hard. It definitely feels wrong when he's talking about someone else when it used to be me... He talks about how pretty her smile is and how funny her lame jokes are.. when all that used to be me. My friend told me he said he's pretty much over me. He feels sad at times when he thinks of me because after all, it was nearly 2 years... When I see other couples still happy together, I think to myself, "why didn't I try harder?" He was my first. I was insecure about myself and still am. I thought letting him go was the right choice. I felt as if he was being held down by me... On top of everything, my initial goal to keeping my grades up slipped through my mind. All that was on my mind was him. Even up to today, I cannot focus on homework without thinking of him. Doing things that require less thinking is easier to get by with but unfortunately that's not homework. I don't know what to do. I still miss him and I really want to talk to him but I don't want to drag him into my mess. I don't want to talk to anybody about my problems and what I'm thinking. I even fear of being judged by my once trusted best friend. I wish I had someone to talk to about my feelings... But I'm afraid of being judged. I wonder if I had severe depression, but I don't want to talk about it because what if I really don't and this is just a phase? I'm scared. I want to move on but I can't. I hate being like this... don't get me wrong. I still have some good days... but it always seems as though I return to this lethargic mood. Sorry that was a long read, but thank you for reading...
Philosoraptor Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You need to start living for you and not for the ghost of the past. Focus on the positives in your life, develop new hobbies, spend time with the people who care about you, and break this obsession you have for your ex and the past. If you need to open up then do so to someone you trust. If you feel you may be depressed then get help for it. I promise you that being judged (not that anyone would judge you) would be well worth getting the help you need to bring happiness back into your life. Understand that you are young, this will pass. Life is way too short to spend any of it unhappy. Do what it takes to bring happiness to yourself. If it takes seeking professional help, then do so.
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