pete_z Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) Hi all, just created my account today. After looking on here for advice for years, I finally have an issue that I think is unique enough to post my own thread. I could write a huge story to bring everyone up to date on all that has happened, but no one wants to read all that...so I'll just do a quick summary on the vital info that y'all need. I broke up with my ex in August, 2013. We went NC for four months. Over that time, I really did a lot of thinking, studying other relationships, examining what I wanted in life, etc, and realized that I wanted to give it another shot. My ex, ironically the same week I was planning on contacting her (December, 2013), called me randomly and we talked for a few hours on the phone. We caught up, expressed current feelings for each other, but obviously quite a bit of hurt was still on her heart. She was very hesitant to try things again, and said she had moved on, but just wanted to be at peace with me. We continued texting/talking frequently for a month, and ended up meeting up (now across the country because of military commitments) over the Christmas holidays. Given our situation, I was only able to spend the weekend with her, and had to return to the opposite end of the country. The way it turned out, I think the meet-up re-kindled the fire in my heart for her, but not vice-versa. After I left (now 1000 miles away from her), I asked her what she wanted to do. She said she needed some time to think about it. So, just this weekend, after nonchalantly talking the last month, we had the first serious talk relating to our situation. She said the following crucial points: (1) She is pursuing other people, but isn't really looking for anything serious yet, just wants to be happy (2) She still loves me, but in the heart-broken love way (3) If I was in the same city, she would go on a serious date with me to see where that would go. I confirmed with her that this wasn't out of the "heart-broken love" she claimed, and she said that it would be an honest, serious date, to possibly see where things could go (4) She doesn't want to get back together long distance That's about all I can say about our conversation that y'all would find interesting. Because of my military commitment, I absolutely cannot move to the same city as her, and that will never be possible. The only way we could end up in the same city is if she decides to move to me (again). It is obvious that she has moved on, but not completely. I really just have one question: What's the BEST method to go from here? After talking with her on the phone on Friday, we initially decided to go NC until July, 2015 (when I'm done with training), but the next day, we decided we should stay as just friends, with the occasional text/phone call, just to stay connected in each other's lives. I'm NOT looking for a diagnosis on what our current status is, but advice on what the best way would be for us to reach a potentially fresh start. I'm aware that NC is a possible route, but would also cause her to completely move on and possibly never consider me again. (Likewise, I would move on, but I'm not sure I want to move on quite yet.) Whereas right now, she specifically stated that if we were in the same city, she would try things again with me. Lastly, I'm pretty sure I've lost her forever, but considering I honestly believe she's the one for me, I'd like to give it some effort to see if I can't win her back even being across the country. A little more information, I was the first love of her life, and we were engaged before I initially ended the relationship. So are there any suggestions on what I should do at this point? Thanks in advance. Edited February 3, 2014 by pete_z
AlexfromBoston Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Pete, she asked for time to think about it then give her time to think about it. You see, you are far too available for her and you're essentially holding her hand while she looks for another mate. Don't put a date on the NC, just go NC. Realistically, you will either A. go NC until 2015 and forget all about her or B. you will follow this temporary NC order, holding on to hope the whole time until she moves on...because chances are she will by July of 2015. Just skip to option A without putting a date on when you can break NC. But regardless, you need to follow NC and focus on your training(Im former USMC) and yourself. Hell, your routines and diet are all regimented for the most part(barring libo) so you should be in great shape...and busy. Just shift your focus to your training and put your ex on the back burner. If I was Pete, this is what I would do: Write a nice email, outlining all the good times(attach pics if possible), agree to her decision for the breakup and wish her well. Ask that she give you space while you move on. Now go NC for at least 4 weeks. If she texts you, respond late, be brief and remind her that you need space. Now, if you feel slightly better about the situation after these 4 weeks, you can break NC and maybe ask how things are...again, seem confident, cool and slightly preoccupied. Always terminate contact first and after initiating this contact, go NC until she texts you. Again, don't be too available and make her seem like you are putting her in your back pocket. If you can't handle LC after 4 weeks, just remain NC until you heal. If you are feeling positive and really want to fix things, be confident and almost unavailable to her. Don't let her play you.
AlphaC Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Pete_Z Quote "I broke up with my ex in August, 2013. We went NC for four months. Over that time, I really did a lot of thinking, studying other relationships, examining what I wanted in life, etc, and realized that I wanted to give it another shot. (1) She is pursuing other people, but isn't really looking for anything serious yet, just wants to be happy (2) She still loves me, but in the heart-broken love way (3) If I was in the same city, she would go on a serious date with me to see where that would go. I confirmed with her that this wasn't out of the "heart-broken love" she claimed, and she said that it would be an honest, serious date, to possibly see where things could go (4) She doesn't want to get back together long distance Pete, you broke this girl's heart. She is doing the right thing by moving on, not bothering you, no contact is how she heals. Sounds to me like you broke up with her to pursue other women, things didn't go according to plan and now you want what you once had. I'm a guy, believe me, I've been in your shoes many times. I wouldn't keep in contact with her, from your post it sounds like she still cares for you and you might have a shot in the future. I think the only way you will get her back is to let her go, let her realize what a great catch you are. You can't expect her to give you another shot to break her heart again after one date and a month or so of phone calls/texts, especially when you are living in the other side of the country. I would wait until you are back in her region for good and evaluate the situation.
Author pete_z Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I think the only way you will get her back is to let her go, let her realize what a great catch you are. You can't expect her to give you another shot to break her heart again after one date and a month or so of phone calls/texts, especially when you are living in the other side of the country. I would wait until you are back in her region for good and evaluate the situation. Couldn't agree more. That's exactly what I was thinking. And I plan to do exactly what you said. Just my method of "letting her go" is telling her that we should just stay friends and pursue other people, and see if life leads us back together at some point in the future. That's basically what I told her yesterday. I honestly don't think NC would be good right now, after going NC with her already. However, if while we're trying to just stay friends and it's not going well, i.e. too much emotion is hidden behind texts, or phone calls lead to stressful arguments, then I will definitely not hesitate to initiate another NC period. Thanks for the input guys. Although I haven't replied until today, I've utilized the previous two posts in my thought process and what I told my ex yesterday.
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