I broke up with her. Was I wrong?

[TheBathWater]

I joined this forum last year, complaining that I was tired of being single, and that after abandoning my player ways some years ago, I was now really desiring a long-term relationship.

 

I was lucky enough to meet a kind, compassionate, sensitive woman, who for the last 3 months I have been in a serious relationship with. She brought me to meet her family for the holidays, and has made a sincere effort on her part to work through some bedroom issues that we were having early on.

 

Tonight I broke up with her. We had been arguing a lot for the last few weeks, pretty much every time I saw her. I started to realize that although we were both good people who wanted good things, we were not compatible because of our personalities. I do love her very much, but I know who I am and what I need to be happy in a relationship, and she just wasn't able to meet my emotional and sexual needs (not her fault, just a difference in personality).

 

Now, I understand that conflict is a normal part of a relationship, and I welcome the opportunities for growth and deepening intimacy that conflict can provide. However, every time we would have a significant difference with each other, she couldn't see it this way, but instead she would see it as being a bad thing, and she became defensive and hostile. I began to not want to talk about anything that was bothering me anymore at this point, and would shut down on her. Not a good way to deal with things, but I knew if I spoke it would lead to a blow-up.

 

She told me on the way out tonight how awful of a person I am - that I will always be alone because no woman is good enough for me, that I think I am above other people, and that no one will love me like her. Part of me feels like she is right, because I do have high expectations as far as communication goes, but I definitely don't think I'm above anyone. I do worry though that I will be alone forever, and that maybe really I am the jerk here. I told her that I still loved her and would miss her deeply, but that I knew in my heart we were not going to work out, and it was time to let go. I told her if she wants to call me in a week or two to get some additional closure, we can talk. She was pretty pissed. Understandably so though; her heart is broken right now.

 

Did I do the right thing? Or am I really a jerk here? I know I am not perfect, and I think I could have ended things sooner, but I feared that this was my only shot at love in a long time and had to go for it. Now, I see that in this relationship I was able to learn more about myself, and just want to be alone for some time now until I recover. Am I wrong?

Edited February 3, 2014 by TunaInTheBrine

[ja123]

Ultimately only you can say, but it seems you weren't very happy. So, in that sense, you're not wrong.

 

 

It's good to let her go, so she can find someone who is more compatible for her.

 

 

Good luck!

[Versacehottie]

Your post explaining your breakup was one of the most mature and rational, well-thought out and sufficiently sensitive break ups that I have heard about. Guessing that you made the right decision. Sounds like she is saying those sorts of things to you out of anger, hurt and disappointment, which is also understandable to an extent. I would take it with a grain of salt. Stick to your promise of offering her another chance to talk through the breakup when and if she is ready. Looks like you are on your way to finding the best person for you and that's the right and fair thing to do--for both of you. Good luck!

[soccerrprp]

I joined this forum last year, complaining that I was tired of being single, and that after abandoning my player ways some years ago, I was now really desiring a long-term relationship.

 

I was lucky enough to meet a kind, compassionate, sensitive woman, who for the last 3 months I have been in a serious relationship with. She brought me to meet her family for the holidays, and has made a sincere effort on her part to work through some bedroom issues that we were having early on.

 

Tonight I broke up with her. We had been arguing a lot for the last few weeks, pretty much every time I saw her. I started to realize that although we were both good people who wanted good things, we were not compatible because of our personalities. I do love her very much, but I know who I am and what I need to be happy in a relationship, and she just wasn't able to meet my emotional and sexual needs (not her fault, just a difference in personality).

 

Now, I understand that conflict is a normal part of a relationship, and I welcome the opportunities for growth and deepening intimacy that conflict can provide. However, every time we would have a significant difference with each other, she couldn't see it this way, but instead she would see it as being a bad thing, and she became defensive and hostile. I began to not want to talk about anything that was bothering me anymore at this point, and would shut down on her. Not a good way to deal with things, but I knew if I spoke it would lead to a blow-up.

 

She told me on the way out tonight how awful of a person I am - that I will always be alone because no woman is good enough for me, that I think I am above other people, and that no one will love me like her. Part of me feels like she is right, because I do have high expectations as far as communication goes, but I definitely don't think I'm above anyone. I do worry though that I will be alone forever, and that maybe really I am the jerk here. I told her that I still loved her and would miss her deeply, but that I knew in my heart we were not going to work out, and it was time to let go. I told her if she wants to call me in a week or two to get some additional closure, we can talk. She was pretty pissed. Understandably so though; her heart is broken right now.

 

Did I do the right thing? Or am I really a jerk here? I know I am not perfect, and I think I could have ended things sooner, but I feared that this was my only shot at love in a long time and had to go for it. Now, I see that in this relationship I was able to learn more about myself, and just want to be alone for some time now until I recover. Am I wrong?

 

Sounds like you made a solid, mature decision that best fits your needs. Not wrong. We don't know exactly what occurred during your relationship and what was said, but now it's time to move on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This isn't the entire relationship in a nutshell, it doesn't really explain depth and dynamic or true cause (which could have been something unsaid or just compounded even though it really was the main reason pretty much in itself) that resulted in the break-up and how it was done...I can see you being a bit aloof and self-serving in your decisions from what I'm gauging from your general attitude here, you clearly seem to lack some insight.

 

You're being a bit callous for someone who's broken up with someone you really love, a bit entitled and pragmatic about an "emotional" situation.

 

I'm trying to get you to understand something with the above, a bit about her perspective.

 

I've ended my share of relationships, it wasn't an easy thing to do and mostly based off mentally rational decisions..but that doesn't make it any easier for the other person, judging by her level of relationship experience this might have been a serious investment...is 3 months serious to me? not in the slightest in the big picture...it doesn't mean it can't gradually become a serious relationship down the road...but people who make big decisions in the beginning have a certain mindset while entering that relationship in the first place...even subconsciously that they may be unaware of, or at least in denial of....because of course it was "true love", of course that's the main reason...some would like to think or say, but there's always more going on than simply that.

 

Think of your personal perspective and attitude/feeling in engaging in this kind of relationship...in essence it sounds like mostly a learning experience for you, something you wanted to take a chance with but were still emotionally/detached/reserved from to kind of "see where that road ends up" and you chose to do so with this person...someone who've you likely seen as very trustworthy...it was a "safe" gamble at "love".

 

Her perspective and agenda...possibly and even likely presented in the opposite light initially, but ultimately would have likely been to get involved in a "serious relationship" and the good ole "reformed player" maybe you were ready to get serious about your romantic life...she invested, took you to meet her family...you probably sold her on the long-term potential and commitment while being on cloud 9 that reassured her in her mind of that things weren't "moving too fast".

 

The good news is this only did last 3 months...something I'd consider a whirlwind romance, I think it's good that you broke away at this point without getting too deep and taking advantage of her and wasting her time, now whether you made that decision for you, her, or both of you is probably a bit smudged at this point.

 

Right now she's going to be emotional and hurt, even angered...first thing you said was she was sensitive, so I'd expect an emotional response to say the least, and most women don't enjoy being broken up with by men they "love". But she will get over this in time, and eventually be over the moon for some other man down the road...so is the course of life.

 

I think what she needs (not wants) right now is for you to walk away from this completely, even if he tries to contact you and try to bring back the relationship, which she likely will if you keep in contact...it's easy to feel alone and remember that closeness after your breakup with someone and miss that, it's easy to fall back into some pseudo kind of relationship agreement or even come to terms with the way things were and try again...I would suggest for you to disconnect and go no-contact on her for at least 3 months before speaking with her again.

 

Of course she's going to scorn you and feel like you've hurt her by leaving, a lot of women have abandonment/self-esteem issues on top of their feelings that leaves them feeling rejected and dismissed...essentially "not good enough" and that's unfortunately how a lot of women feel about men when they move on, they think it's a reflection on them somehow negatively...even if you just saw the writing on the wall and incompatibility and decided to end it based on that....a lot of women don't see it that way, a lot of women do not think logically/rationally about love, many believe you shouldn't "give up" on it no matter what, they may understand/hear and get your perspective but in the end many will still take in that emotionally and make decisions based on that regardless of the warnings...and if they have any emotional issues that will feed right into why you left them...peoples issues always cloud the "reality" or make things less transparent.

 

"Did I do the right thing? Or am I really a jerk here? I know I am not perfect, and I think I could have ended things sooner, but I feared that this was my only shot at love in a long time and had to go for it. Now, I see that in this relationship I was able to learn more about myself, and just want to be alone for some time now until I recover. Am I wrong?"

 

I'll call you out on this here...I know you know why broke up with her deep down and it wasn't just because of these rational thoughts, maybe you saw things moving too fast and had to abandon ship or things were getting too serious/risky emotionally, but this is more of a ploy to garner sympathy and validation for your actions, it sounds like you knew from the beginning this wasn't going to work in reality but went with it anyway (don't worry, most guys do)...but I'm not going to grill you too hard because you're not the player type, just kind of the typical guy who is just simply scared of being hurt yourself...you're too sensitive and insecure, but you did say "player-like" which you probably meant you wouldn't invest with women.

 

It's a good decision to stay alone for a while, you didn't make the "wrong" decision...just make sure you stand by it in the end, or you'll be "one of those guys" in my book...which I think you'll reconnect with her in the future if things don't go so well for you and you think she's the best you can get after all because you've lost your mojo or don't have any better options and lost the support in your life...that's the true test, and I see a lot of guys fail there and then end up married/long-term relationship down the road with women they initially left.

 

But after only 3 months, doesn't sound like a serious enough investment on your part emotionally...if this had lasted years then I could definitely see you going back and forth, I don't think you're ready for a relationship though and I think you should be more honest and transparent with your feelings as you go along in your relationships instead of just mentioning the positive things or things that women want to hear...any guy can do that.

[MrMeh]

If you are constantly arguing at only 3 months in, then I believe you made

a rational choice. You actually knew the conflict between your personalities

was the problem and acknowledged that your differing personalities

would not last in the long-run.

 

Don't be pessimistic about your standards on terms of communication.

You simply know what you want, therefore the people meeting your

personal needs and desires will be small, only due to the fact that you know

what will happily last, and not what will simply myopically suffice.

[TheBathWater]

I do love her and will (do) miss her, and I feel now what I suppose are the normal regrets of calling things off. She had a lot of the qualities I look for in a person in terms of values and heart.

 

Unfortunately, I think we just couldn't deal with conflict properly. I always wanted to treat conflict as the enemy, not her, and I don't think she experienced this the same way. When I expressed my feelings and needs, it was to communicate to her what was happening privately inside of me so we could work with it rather than have it work us. She personalized this though and saw it as an attack on her, became defensive, and would then attack me. It became impossible for us to resolve anything at this point. My only option in resolving conflict then became to shut down/withdraw and repress my feelings.

 

Her personalizing things makes sense to me, given her history and upbringing. I was willing to wait things out, but when someone is getting the help that they need and this kind of thing is still happening, it doesn't look very promising. I guess I lost hope for our future and decided to leave. I think I did the right thing for the both of us, but man, I am going to miss her.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

If I'd had the same pragmatic and mature approach as you had in deciding to end your relationship, I would be in a very different place right now. My ex and I also could not handle conflict well. He would get defensive and blow up far too easily when I opened up to him about my feelings. Early on in the relationship, I knew we weren't working out but I stayed waiting/hoping/wishing that things would change. I stayed for the "what ifs." I stayed so that I wouldn't have any regrets. In fact, I stayed until he broke up with me. I believed I couldn't do any better.

 

In other words, you could've been me. Miserable and hurt, desperately hanging on to a hopeless and dying relationship.

 

Seems to me you have a strong sense of self worth and know what you want and don't want.

 

I say, good for you.

 

 

I do love her and will (do) miss her, and I feel now what I suppose are the normal regrets of calling things off. She had a lot of the qualities I look for in a person in terms of values and heart.

 

Unfortunately, I think we just couldn't deal with conflict properly. I always wanted to treat conflict as the enemy, not her, and I don't think she experienced this the same way. When I expressed my feelings and needs, it was to communicate to her what was happening privately inside of me so we could work with it rather than have it work us. She personalized this though and saw it as an attack on her, became defensive, and would then attack me. It became impossible for us to resolve anything at this point. My only option in resolving conflict then became to shut down/withdraw and repress my feelings.

 

Her personalizing things makes sense to me, given her history and upbringing. I was willing to wait things out, but when someone is getting the help that they need and this kind of thing is still happening, it doesn't look very promising. I guess I lost hope for our future and decided to leave. I think I did the right thing for the both of us, but man, I am going to miss her.

[TheBathWater]

If I'd had the same pragmatic and mature approach as you had in deciding to end your relationship, I would be in a very different place right now. My ex and I also could not handle conflict well. He would get defensive and blow up far too easily when I opened up to him about my feelings. Early on in the relationship, I knew we weren't working out but I stayed waiting/hoping/wishing that things would change. I stayed for the "what ifs." I stayed so that I wouldn't have any regrets. In fact, I stayed until he broke up with me. I believed I couldn't do any better.

 

In other words, you could've been me. Miserable and hurt, desperately hanging on to a hopeless and dying relationship.

 

Seems to me you have a strong sense of self worth and know what you want and don't want.

 

I say, good for you.

 

Thanks for your response. The sad part is, she is a wonderful woman, and I don't believe her intentions in arguing with me were ever 'bad'. She can be a very kind and compassionate woman. It seems that she imagined that what was being communicated though was that she was 'bad' when I would bring something up, and so I would try to reassure her, but it didn't get very far. It does hurt me, because I love her and did not want to end things. But I had to for the very reason that it would have turned into the relationship experience you described that you had. I can only hope she works through her harsh self-judgments enough one day so that in her next relationship she does not internalize so much of the conflict that comes up and instead uses it as an opportunity to deepen the intimacy in the relationship. I will have to think a little longer myself about why I ignored the red flags early on and got this involved. Maybe I need to work on my self-esteem as well so that I pick a more appropriate partner next time. Just wish it would have worked out with her

Edited February 4, 2014 by TunaInTheBrine