How do I let go?

[elevenbot]

So me and my wife are going through our second separation. During our first separation I found out after we got back together that she and a good friend of ours(the best man at our wedding) had been sleeping together. I managed to forgive her for it but now that we are separated again insecurities and trust issues over what happened last time have risen. Yesterday I noticed that she was still friends with the guy on facebook. She had told me she had deleted himand dropped all contact with him. So I asked her why and she blew up at me. She said she's tried unfriending him and for some reason it won't work. She then accused me of stalking her and then blocked me from her facebook page. She said if I forgave her then why do I bring up stuff from the past and throw it in her face. She said she's learned from her mistake and wants nothing to do with anyone else right now. I do forgive her for what happened but how do I just forget it and let go? Especially when she was so quick to block and unfriend me yet can't unfriend him.

[anne1707]

So she manages to block you on Facebook but she cannot unfriend him???? This really is an insult to your intelligence.

 

If she was truly remorseful and wanted to make this work, she would do what you asked. You are being perfectly reasonable (especially considering he was your best man ). In fact I would say you are being too easy on her (and that is coming from a fWS).

[oldshirt]

What's the purpose of your separation?

 

 

Separation really only serves two practical purposes - one is very temporary and serves as a means to let the dust settle and the emotions calm down after a big blow-out so that cooler heads can prevail and seek out a solution to the problems.

 

 

And the other is prepare for and start transitioning to a new life following a divorce.

 

 

If your separation is the former, then certain ground rules need to be establish such as not starting to see other people etc until a declaration of termination has been made.

 

 

But if your separation is simply a step in the divorce and moving process, then there really isn't much you can do and it's probably inevitable that she is going to start being involved with other people.

 

 

Yes, it's kind of crappy that it's the best man within such a short period of time not everyone is cut out to take the high road or demonstrate class and dignity in a divorce.

[harrybrown]

Was she ever remorseful? How would she feel if you had an affair?

 

If she is not remorseful, you are wasting your time. She does not respect you, she is blocking you.

 

If this separation is so she can play again, you should file for divorce.

 

Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. Tell her with her track record, you have doubts.

 

I think you should file. She will only break your heart again.

[elevenbot]

What's the purpose of your separation?

 

 

Separation really only serves two practical purposes - one is very temporary and serves as a means to let the dust settle and the emotions calm down after a big blow-out so that cooler heads can prevail and seek out a solution to the problems.

 

 

And the other is prepare for and start transitioning to a new life following a divorce.

 

 

If your separation is the former, then certain ground rules need to be establish such as not starting to see other people etc until a declaration of termination has been made.

 

 

But if your separation is simply a step in the divorce and moving process, then there really isn't much you can do and it's probably inevitable that she is going to start being involved with other people.

 

 

Yes, it's kind of crappy that it's the best man within such a short period of time not everyone is cut out to take the high road or demonstrate class and dignity in a divorce.

 

I'm not sure what kind of separation this is. We had a fight over her thinking I'm content with where I'm at in life and that I don't want to do better for her or our kids(which isn't true, we've been having financial troubles and I've been seeking better employment and I'm about to start college again in the fall) she wanted a divorce at that time but before we were about to tell our oldest son what was about to happen she had a change of heart and just wanted to separate for a while. She didn't want to jump into something she would regret. Just a couple of days before this happened she wanted to start working things out and she told me she still loved me. As far as being remorseful its hard to tell, I had forgiven her within hours of finding out. I think I was to easy on her and to quick to forgive that she may have thought it wasn't as big of a deal as it is.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I'm not sure what kind of separation this is. We had a fight over her thinking I'm content with where I'm at in life and that I don't want to do better for her or our kids(which isn't true, we've been having financial troubles and I've been seeking better employment and I'm about to start college again in the fall) she wanted a divorce at that time but before we were about to tell our oldest son what was about to happen she had a change of heart and just wanted to separate for a while. She didn't want to jump into something she would regret. Just a couple of days before this happened she wanted to start working things out and she told me she still loved me. As far as being remorseful its hard to tell, I had forgiven her within hours of finding out. I think I was to easy on her and to quick to forgive that she may have thought it wasn't as big of a deal as it is.

 

So, you're separated because you don't make enough money?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

How does other man compare to you in the making money department?

[elevenbot]

So, you're separated because you don't make enough money?

 

Pretty much. For better or worse, richer or poorer eh?

[elevenbot]

How does other man compare to you in the making money department?

 

Not much more than me I think. Were both managers at different restaurants in our area of town.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Personally, I wouldn't want to stay with my wife if it was only based on how much money I made.

 

Your original question was "I do forgive her for what happened (sleeping with the best man from our wedding for about six months) but how do I just forget it and let go?"

 

What is your assessment of the situation? Is it really about money? Is she just using the money issue to justify her cheating?

 

My guess is she's still cheating with him, that's why she doesn't block him.

 

My advice is to have a talk with her to find out what this really is all about. The purpose is to find out what really is going on, AND to let her know what is and is not acceptable to you in your marriage. If I may be so bold as to suggest, her continuing to be facebook friends, or have any contact, with other man should be unacceptable.

 

What do you think?

[road]

You need the book Surviving AN Affair by Dr Harley.

 

 

Whenever a WW wants a separation it is because she is already having an affair and just wanted her husband out of the way to bang the OM.

 

 

Is the OM married? Does the OMW know about the affair? How did the OMW find out?

 

 

Have you exposed the affair?

 

 

Have you asked your WW how she is rebuilding the trust that you had for her after she broke it?

 

 

See this is why you need that book.

[elevenbot]

Personally, I wouldn't want to stay with my wife if it was only based on how much money I made.

 

Your original question was "I do forgive her for what happened (sleeping with the best man from our wedding for about six months) but how do I just forget it and let go?"

 

What is your assessment of the situation? Is it really about money? Is she just using the money issue to justify her cheating?

 

My guess is she's still cheating with him, that's why she doesn't block him.

 

My advice is to have a talk with her to find out what this really is all about. The purpose is to find out what really is going on, AND to let her know what is and is not acceptable to you in your marriage. If I may be so bold as to suggest, her continuing to be facebook friends, or have any contact, with other man should be unacceptable.

 

What do you think?

 

I don't think she is seeing him anymore, I found out about the affair because she left her Skype messages open one day, from what I read he broke off the affair with her. He's remarried now and I don't think anythings going on again, but I do have suspicions about other guy friends I've noticed she's been talking to lately since our second separation began. But the fact that she would still remain friends with the other man on facebook while lying to me about it really upsets me, yet it took her seconds to block me.

[Zenstudent]

I assume you're both adults? I would divorce her based on her blocking you on Facebook alone - married people don't do that, it's a teenagers game.

 

This sounds to me a lot like a test drive of other men untill she is ready to divorce you. Separated because you don't earn enough, what happened to in sicknes and health, for better and worse... pffttt...

[janedoe67]

It sounds to me like she wants to separate so she can fool around and use the old "we are separated" excuse. Deleting a FB friend is not that hard. I would do some investigating.

[Tayken]

I managed to forgive her for it but now that we are separated again insecurities and trust issues over what happened last time have risen.

 

@OP....think for a second if the metaphorical shoe had been on the other foot, would she have done the same i.e. forgive you? You know what they say, "once a cheater, always a cheater"....and to do it with your best man, ouch!

 

I think this song was written for you.....

 

If you don't act now, you only have yourself to blame. Personally, I won't sign up for that nonsensical move.

 

The first thing every relationship needs, and I mean absolutely 1st.....MUTUAL RESPECT. If this is missing, nothing else matters and you are better off not even embarking on a relationship with someone

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

So me and my wife are going through our second separation. During our first separation I found out after we got back together that she and a good friend of ours(the best man at our wedding) had been sleeping together. I managed to forgive her for it but now that we are separated again insecurities and trust issues over what happened last time have risen. Yesterday I noticed that she was still friends with the guy on facebook. She had told me she had deleted himand dropped all contact with him. So I asked her why and she blew up at me. She said she's tried unfriending him and for some reason it won't work. She then accused me of stalking her and then blocked me from her facebook page. She said if I forgave her then why do I bring up stuff from the past and throw it in her face. She said she's learned from her mistake and wants nothing to do with anyone else right now. I do forgive her for what happened but how do I just forget it and let go? Especially when she was so quick to block and unfriend me yet can't unfriend him.

 

It will be hard to have a good relationship if you have to suppress your true feelings, won't it?

 

How do you forget? From what I've observed, a lot of drinking and certain types of drugs could screw you up enough to make you forget certain things. Or at least make your memories less clear, more hazy. I wouldn't recommend it, though, there are a lot of other undesirable consequences.

 

How about looking at it this way - why can't she just block this guy on facebook if it makes you feel better?

 

Why do you want to be in a one-sided relationship?

 

It sounds like she says "jump" and you ask "how high?" Well, not exactly, maybe, but definitely you put up with way more sht from her than she does from you. Is that OK with you?

 

She's got a lot of personal problems, doesn't she? So the best man she was sleeping with is out of the picture now, but she's got a couple of others to replace him with? And she keeps him as a "friend" in case he changes his mind?

 

If you are doing this for your kids, I completely understand, but if you are going to stay for the kids, it can't be this lopsided. No way it can work this way.

 

"How do I forget it and let go?" you ask. It's kind of like asking, "how do I eat this big sht sandwich?"

 

What are you willing to put up with to make this relationship work? Is it OK with you if she doesn't block him like she said she would? Is it OK if she lies to you about other men she's talking with and tells you stuff like you don't make enough money for me to love you? If so, just go to see her and beg. Tell her you love her so much, you will put up with anything from her. I know it sounds terrible the way I wrote it, you will have to say it in such a way as to make it sound more romantic, like it's your destiny to be together, you understand how you haven't been trusting enough, you realize your mistakes, you are willing to do anything to make it up to her, you can't live without her, she is your destiny - stuff like that. Then when you are back together again, you can make a reassessment of the situation and see how you feel. It's not the path I would take, I don't think it will work long term, but you don't seem willing to take any more confrontational step.

 

Why would she keep him as a friend and block you? Because she knows you will put up with it, and he will say "f her" and never speak to her again. She can get away with it with you, but not with him. And she wants BOTH OF YOU as possible future options. If you force her to choose, she may choose him, or she may not believe you really will ever leave her. What is your past history with her like when it comes to "drawing a line in the sand" type issues?

[drifter777]

It seems like your wife want out of the marriage. You can't make her love you and it seems as though this is what you are looking at. To find out if this is the case just call her and ask if she want a divorce. If she doesn't then you need marriage counseling ASAP.

 

Regarding her previous cheating, you haven't forgiven her because she isn't sorry. You can try to keep telling yourself this but your heart isn't buying it. Get into counseling or get into court.

[kalimata]

RUN, do not walk, but RUN away from this woman.

 

She is a piece of crap who is a low-life. When you un-friend someone on facebook, they can simply send another "friend request" and voila. However when you block someone they are prevented from further contact with you. SHE IS OPENLY IN CONTACT WITH THE OM, UNDERSTAND THIS.

 

You need to kick her to butt out of the house, and file for D. Move on with your life instead waiting around for this piece of crap to come to her senses.

[Scott Thomas]

I think it's very likely that she's having an affair.

 

You found out that she was sleeping with the BEST MAN at your wedding via her skype account. She did not confess. How do you know that she was not sleeping with him before the separation? Cheaters lie and hide.

 

She wanted to reconcile. The other man remarried. Rather convenient, isn't it? They stop sleeping and he marries someone else. I'm not an expert but my compass points towards 'he didn't commit to her so she wanted her back-up man back'.

 

There were no consequences for her indiscretion. Big Mistake.

 

She's blocked you on facebook but is still friends with him? How do you know that she isn't seeing him again? Or any other man for that matter?

 

Set a boundary and demand that reconciliation will only occur of she cuts him off. Meet the OM's wife and tell her everything. Do not compromise on this (and don't tell your wife that you're about to tell the OM's wife).

 

Your wife no longer wants to remain married and will only string you along until she finds someone else. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. Either she cuts off all contact with the OM, works to earn your forgiveness, faces the consequences of her affair and attends MC, or you file for divorce ASAP. PERIOD.

Read the 180 and start practicing it (I'm copying and pasting someone else's 180 advice):

 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

No frequent phone calls.

Don't point out "good points" in marriage.

Don't follow her around

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.

Don't ask for reassurances.

Don't buy or give gifts.

Don't schedule dates together.

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.

All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!

Don't be overly enthusiastic.

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."