lucky_penny Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Hello everyone, I'm new here and I suppose I have a unique story and would love some help figuring things out. I'm sorry if this gets long! I started dating a coworker over the summer, after about a year and a half of us hanging out all the time. Feelings grew. Unfortunately, about a month into dating I started the process of buying a home in the area (previously apartment living). I have no family or close friends in the area and things got really difficult for me. I was really unhappy, felt like I was going through the process alone. I wasn't happy with things at work (not related to him). And then here I was dating someone I worked with! I really lost myself. And not knowing it, I apparently took it out on him. I was really negative, would snap, and was just an overall bitch. But I was so outside myself that I didn't realize it. He distanced himself from me. About a month later, once I was settled in, he sat me down and told me what he was feeling. I was shocked, and apologized for my behavior, and told him I just didn't realize what I was doing. He said he understood where I was coming from, but since he's taken abuse from previous girlfriends, when he saw it coming again he was prepared to break it off with me. Instead, he let it cool off and said he would try to get over it. We continued dating but things weren't the same... There was this THING over our heads and I was walking on eggshells around him. We both planned dates and still had fun together. He left for a month-long vacation (planned for months in advance) and two days after getting back, he broke it off with me. He was extremely gentle and told me that his feelings had changed because of my move, and that he wasn't angry with me or hated me, and he thought about it a lot over his trip. I accepted it and told him I understood his feelings although while he was on his trip I had also thought a lot about things and wanted us to start over, since I really felt like we got off on the wrong foot. Hindsight is 20/20, as they say. I took everything that happened and started working on myself. I felt TERRIBLE that I had unknowingly been such a bitch for a while. It was very unlike me anyway, but I realized I needed to look at myself from the outside. It was a wake-up call. I also didn't want to be the crazy ex-girlfriend, because he didn't deserve that, I wasn't angry with him, and I still needed to work with him. I wanted to go back to being the fun, care-free girl he knew in the beginning. I liked that person a lot better too!! I have been so totally awesome at work and even to strangers, and I've actually had positive feedback from people. I felt better about myself. I started contacting my friends and making plans. Even recently I signed up for online dating just to get back out there. So the break-up was about 2 months ago. Since then, obviously things are fine at work, we don't have any issues at all. It's like....how things were in the beginning. He's started texting me every now and then, very light-hearted. Sometimes he brings up old inside jokes and memories of our time together. We laugh together, have a good time. He called me when he had car trouble, but I was not available as I was with friends. He heard I was out sick for a few days, and called me, left a message, and showed up at my door with soup and other food. A few days ago, he gave me a gift of something that was personal to me. I don't know why he did this, but it was very sweet and made me smile. He would do things like this prior to us dating, which I always took as signs that he had feelings for me, which obviously ended up to be true. He asks me a lot about what's going on in my life, and has repeatedly offered to help me with stuff in my new home, but I have not taken him up on it. It seems he still really cares about me. I know he isn't angry or anything, but I don't understand what this all means. If he was cool with me, we could just be friendly in a professional sense. Other than us working together, I have not initiated anything outside of the workplace, including texts. I'm not interested in being friends with him, we are just coworkers at this point. Sadly, the relationship ruined the friendship, but I don't like being friends with an ex. It never turns out well. I also don't like taking guys back for a second chance, as it often ends up in more heartache. Do I need to talk to him about his actions? Is he stringing me along, or have his feelings been rekindled? If he wanted to give "us" a try again, would that be a smart decision?
Letmeknow Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 If you can see a future with this guy then it is always worth it to give it another chance. Just don't be a "bitch" to him like you said you were in the past. Things should work out just fine! You will regret it if you don't give him another opportunity. Try to find out what he is feeling and tell him how you feel. Good luck!
redbaron005 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Do I need to talk to him about his actions? Is he stringing me along, or have his feelings been rekindled? If he wanted to give "us" a try again, would that be a smart decision? From a guy's perspective, it sounds like he is still interested. And he is being a gentlemen about it. You do not "need" to talk to him, however that might be a healthy move to be clear on boundaries and where you stand once you have made a decision about where you would like to take it.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 A few more details I forgot to mention: We dated about 4 months, and we are both in our early 30's. I don't have much dating experience, in fact I was single for the last 7 years. I'm also a virgin, which he apparently knew about prior to dating me (I guess I am transparent!), so we only fooled around. He had said he didn't want to pressure me, however I don't know if that factored into the breakup. I am simply waiting for the right guy. And if things hadn't gotten messed up with my attitude pushing him away, he may have been the one. While he is an amazing man and I get along with him great, he is very critical and difficult. I have seen him get annoyed at people for the smallest things, and it worries me for the long run. While we were friends, he had said that when his life gets busy, the first thing that gets cut is the relationship. Hearing that made me feel like I could get kicked to the curb at any moment - not good. He also has trouble opening up and talking about his personal life. While he can be VERY sweet and caring, he can also be really cold and unemotional. For someone like me, looking for a man to make a connection with in order to have sex, that was an issue. But he admitted it's a flaw and it's been a problem in prior relationships. I did not want to judge him for this, just as I wouldn't want someone to judge me for my issues. In terms of what I want? I am torn. I do think we can work out, but there are things, mentioned above, that need to be discussed. I am concerned with how I could fit into his life as a girlfriend long-term. Can he let me in? If he's willing to work on things together, than absolutely I would give us another try. But I understand that you cannot just jump back into things, and we'd really need to talk about stuff and truly start over.
redbaron005 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 A few more details I forgot to mention: We dated about 4 months, and we are both in our early 30's. I don't have much dating experience, in fact I was single for the last 7 years. I'm also a virgin, which he apparently knew about prior to dating me (I guess I am transparent!), so we only fooled around. He had said he didn't want to pressure me, however I don't know if that factored into the breakup. I am simply waiting for the right guy. And if things hadn't gotten messed up with my attitude pushing him away, he may have been the one. While he is an amazing man and I get along with him great, he is very critical and difficult. I have seen him get annoyed at people for the smallest things, and it worries me for the long run. While we were friends, he had said that when his life gets busy, the first thing that gets cut is the relationship. Hearing that made me feel like I could get kicked to the curb at any moment - not good. He also has trouble opening up and talking about his personal life. While he can be VERY sweet and caring, he can also be really cold and unemotional. For someone like me, looking for a man to make a connection with in order to have sex, that was an issue. But he admitted it's a flaw and it's been a problem in prior relationships. I did not want to judge him for this, just as I wouldn't want someone to judge me for my issues. In terms of what I want? I am torn. I do think we can work out, but there are things, mentioned above, that need to be discussed. I am concerned with how I could fit into his life as a girlfriend long-term. Can he let me in? If he's willing to work on things together, than absolutely I would give us another try. But I understand that you cannot just jump back into things, and we'd really need to talk about stuff and truly start over. I would wait a week to put your thoughts together and then decide/set up a talk with him. From a guy who can be cold and unemotional/has a hard time expressing feelings I would say his actions speak louder than his words. I think he can let you in (this may take time) and in this case I would give him a second shot. That's just my humble opinion.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks redbaron. I appreciate your advice and perspective, it's actually good to hear something positive. I have been trying to see things from his perspective, because I think so often in relationships, people fail to see the other side. And especially in break-ups, you're so focused on YOUR emotions, not your ex's. I just think we had bad timing. Working together, and then the stress of my move. I often wonder if things could have been different had we gotten together at another time. But it saddens me to think I may not get that second chance for a first impression. I have so much more clarity now.
StGeorge22 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Agree with the above posts, seems like he is keen again but can't come out and say it. If you approach it with him, just be really light. Last thing you want is to scare him off with any heavy talk. But if you just kind of bring it up in a non threatening way, you should be able to get a decent answer
redbaron005 Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Thanks redbaron. I appreciate your advice and perspective, it's actually good to hear something positive. I have been trying to see things from his perspective, because I think so often in relationships, people fail to see the other side. And especially in break-ups, you're so focused on YOUR emotions, not your ex's. I just think we had bad timing. Working together, and then the stress of my move. I often wonder if things could have been different had we gotten together at another time. But it saddens me to think I may not get that second chance for a first impression. I have so much more clarity now. Of course . Wish I had tried to see things from my ex's perspective during my most recent breakup - that's the right move and very disciplined. Not sure you need to make another first impression, clearly the original one was significant enough for this guy to stay interested.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Wow you guys are really getting my hopes up! A few questions... - What makes you think he's still interested and might want me back? His actions? The fact that I've pretty much gone NC as much as I can, and that I treated the breakup maturely? My attitude changing for the positive? Are these things....enough? - We've been broken up for a little over 2 months now. Is that really enough time for him to feel remorse and want me back? He's pretty stubborn with decisions - once it's done, that's it. So I have a hard time believing he may actually regret this as it seems he really thought about it. - I read a lot of stories regarding breakups and it seems so many people either have really bad breakups (lots of anger and nasty words exchanged) or can't seem to remain civil afterwards because of raw emotions. We've had none of that. He broke it off, I expressed my feelings and that I didn't want it to end, and there was no harshness. We both have not spoken about it at all since the breakup happened and have been completely civil. Because we've been so mature, does that help with reconciliation? Or does it make him think "okay so it ended, she's cool with it, we can just move on and be good coworkers"?
redbaron005 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 ...What makes you think he's still interested and might want me back? His actions? The fact that I've pretty much gone NC as much as I can, and that I treated the breakup maturely? My attitude changing for the positive? Are these things....enough? I do believe his actions and your positive attitude make reconciliation plausible, should you so decide to go that route. This coupled with the facts that both of you took mature approaches to the situation and both are old enough to handle it well. Additionally, playing into my humble opinion above was the fact that one of my female friends had a four month relationship, was acting bitchy during a move of hers, essentially forcing the guy to break up with her to give her the space she needed to get things strait. He pursued later after she broke NC. They got back together successfully (after a two-week "trial relationship") and are still going strong, so I've seen it work out in a similar-ish situation first hand. We've been broken up for a little over 2 months now. Is that really enough time for him to feel remorse and want me back? ... I am not sure, however I would say since the healing time was half of the relationship time in very well may be. Because we've been so mature, does that help with reconciliation? Or does it make him think "okay so it ended, she's cool with it, we can just move on and be good coworkers"? It's possible it could go either way, a risk you would have to take if you would like the chance at reconciliation. I think its a fairly low risk, since you said you wisely do not want to end it in the friend-zone. Frankly, as a guy, I would not show up at your house with soup when you were sick if I just wanted to move on and be a good coworker. I would show up if I cared about you, thought you were someone special, and had interest in you. Hope that helps, would be interested to see what others think.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Wow thanks redbaron, it's good to hear similar situations can work out. I think I will give him a little more time, and see what happens. Perhaps we are growing closer again, but I will leave it to him to make the first move. Especially since we work together, and he broke it off with me, I feel like it needs to come from him. Would it be terrible of me to meet other guys? On one hand, we're broken up so I am free to do as I want, even though I'd prefer to be with him... I actually set up a date tomorrow night with someone from a dating website. I don't necessarily plan on starting another relationship, but I feel like I need to work on my confidence, get some dating experience, and just be around other guys. Worst case I meet no one, but maybe I make a new friend or something. I just feel the need to "get out there", as they say. A mutual coworker of ours is a girl that I talk to sometimes about dating. She doesn't know anything about me and my ex (NO ONE at work knows, we are very very good about that which speaks volumes of our maturity, I think). I know that if I talk to her about me going on dates, it may get back to him in passing. Now, he knows how I am with guys, and that I don't hook-up or serial date or do the whole "rebound" thing to make him jealous. I don't know if will make him upset and feel like he truly is losing me and that he needs to act now...or if it will make him say "yup, we're over" and be done with me. So it could either work to my advantage, or not, and I don't know if that's a risk worth taking.
redbaron005 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Would it be terrible of me to meet other guys? On one hand, we're broken up so I am free to do as I want, even though I'd prefer to be with him... I actually set up a date tomorrow night with someone from a dating website. I don't necessarily plan on starting another relationship, but I feel like I need to work on my confidence, get some dating experience, and just be around other guys. Worst case I meet no one, but maybe I make a new friend or something. I just feel the need to "get out there", as they say. A mutual coworker of ours is a girl that I talk to sometimes about dating. She doesn't know anything about me and my ex (NO ONE at work knows, we are very very good about that which speaks volumes of our maturity, I think). I know that if I talk to her about me going on dates, it may get back to him in passing. Now, he knows how I am with guys, and that I don't hook-up or serial date or do the whole "rebound" thing to make him jealous. I don't know if will make him upset and feel like he truly is losing me and that he needs to act now...or if it will make him say "yup, we're over" and be done with me. So it could either work to my advantage, or not, and I don't know if that's a risk worth taking. Of course it's okay if you go out with other guys. However, if you are doing so to coerce him to initiate contact that, in my opinion, is not okay. Sparking jealously is a dangerous game, and it this is not a risk I see as worth taking. As a man, I react very poorly to women trying to insight jealousy and view it as cowardice. Most men like/react better to direct statements of intent - ones portraying your confidence, and that is the way I would suggest going when/if you talk to this guy. It seems you need more time to think. You say you want to get more experience and get out there. Why do you want this? From a neutral perspective I see this as one or more of the following: (1) Because you think your original relationship failed partially due to your lack of relationship experience (eh, probably not); (2) You think your innocence drove him away (nope, not true); (3) You're not sure if your feelings toward the guy in question are real b/c you don't have enough experience in your background to reconcile them (been there, this is a bad game to play with yourself - if you're feeling something it's there, but don't try to force something that is not); and/or (4) You genuinely want to move on and date others (go for it). Reconcile your feelings, understand your intentions, build confidence with friends and then you'll be in a better position to date others and move on or fall back to this co-worker of yours.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 I'm really enjoying your insight, redbaron. Thank you so much for your comments. I'm hoping more folks will chime in with their thoughts too! I probably do need more time to think. I've been thinking SO MUCH over the last 2.5 months. I guess, most of all, I'm worried about waiting around for something that might not happen. I'm worried that even if we do get back together, it'll fail a second time and I'll be a fool. To respond to your points: (1) Because you think your original relationship failed partially due to your lack of relationship experience (eh, probably not); Part of wanting to go out on dates is to work on myself. Sometimes I really lack confidence, and I think that affected how I was with my coworker. I had trouble transitioning from "friends" to "more than friends" even though it's what I wanted. I couldn't open up physically, similar to how he couldn't open up emotionally. I couldn't figure out what we were. Because we were friends/coworkers it was hard to put a label on it. I don't think we were just "fooling around", there were feelings there and effort was put in from both sides. We never exchanged "I love you" and we never said we were bf/gf. But I didn't see anyone else during that time, and in the very beginning he said he might, but later said he never saw anyone else even though women were interested in him. I didn't truly know how he felt about me and how he saw me. I know he is a man of few words at times, but I never knew what he found attractive in me. I prodded once, and he said he found me "interesting". He's known me for a long time but never thought anything would happen since we worked together. When we were dating he actually never complimented me on anything. Girls like to be complimented!!! But again, his actions would speak volumes, and perhaps that's simply how he shows his feelings. But it was very hard to understand, and many times I thought "maybe he doesn't like me anymore..." (2) You think your innocence drove him away (nope, not true); I struggle with this so much... Not having a lot of sexual experience in your early 30's is difficult. He was very good at what he did, and of course I liked it, but it made me feel extremely inadequate. I felt like I couldn't reciprocate at his level. I felt like maybe he would get tired of this and say he can't deal with it. I also didn't want to have sex while we still worked together, and especially since I didn't know "what we were" in terms of a relationship. Perhaps I could have vocalized this better, but I also didn't want to seem like I was an emotional basketcase. (3) You're not sure if your feelings toward the guy in question are real b/c you don't have enough experience in your background to reconcile them (been there, this is a bad game to play with yourself - if you're feeling something it's there, but don't try to force something that is not); This is a good point. As I said before, I had trouble defining what we were. But I know I have feelings for him. I can't deny that we have some sort of connection. But I have been asking myself if he's truly right for me in the long run. Is our connection enough to warrant a relationship? Or are we better as friends? I have been trying to look back without the rose-colored glasses and I do see there are things I have issues with in regards to him. These are things I know I need to discuss if we are ever to have a second chance. I don't know if I've ever been in love and I don't yet know how to figure that out. (4) You genuinely want to move on and date others (go for it) I guess what I want to do is to move on without really moving on. See what else is out there, because I don't have a lot of experience, but keep the door open for him. Be more social. I don't have the opportunity to meet new people that much, and I need to change that. Perhaps I will end up making new friends instead of a new boyfriend. And who knows, he might be dating around as well, or just meeting/talking to new women. (Although, if he's buying me stuff and bringing me food, he can't have a girlfriend yet because that would really seem odd). He is much more social at times than I am. I feel like I need to work on this more. Is it weird or wrong of me to go on a bunch of first dates but not really have them amount to anything? Of course I would hate to "use" the new guy but it's not unheard of to date around to help build your confidence. I definitely do not want to make a new guy into a rebound relationship, I feel like that's even worse to end up committing yourself as bf/gf to someone you don't really want. But to just go on a few dates and get to know someone new, that is okay right? Gosh, it feels really good to put these thoughts into words on a page. Maybe I need to start writing up some pros and cons!
CaliGypsy Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Just a comment on the sexual inexperience. It's totally ok. It doesn't matter if your partner has more experience than you. ( or he could have very little ) You find the right guy and that WILL take care of itself. The mechanics can all be learned... It's the passion you need. What I'm saying is...just find someone you feel passionate about..( and that feels the same way about you) I'm kind of sensing that maybe this guy isn't the one? I personally think it would be great if you dated more. Give yourself the chance to explore some new relationships. You did break up.. You wouldn't be doing anything wrong.
Author lucky_penny Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 When we were getting to know each other, I thought we would be great for each other. And we were, until some things got in the way. But they are things that I believe can be overcome, which is why I'm doing a lot of reflecting and working on myself. But I can't be the only one that feels that way, or makes efforts to change. A person can't be the right one for you if they don't want to be with you in the end. I understand his reasons for calling it off, but a breakup changes everything. Until I know how he's feeling, I'm sort of in limbo.
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