Feeling less than a man ...

[deskjockey69]

i recently caught my wife of 10yrs(we have 3 children 9,8,& 5) having an affair with a MUCH younger man...she is a teacher and i caught her with a ex student who is 19, she is 32. when i caught her she eventually "came clean" but i have my doubts that she has given me the total truth tho! she claims it started due to needing to feel "needed" as in my attention wasn't enough for her, but she needed affirmation in the form of some teenager. i am older than my wife im 44 and she is 32. she has always told me that she was only attracted to older men like me and only attracted to men built like me. BUT this kid that i caught her with is nothing like me at all. so now i have ZERO self esteem because now i feel inadequate to keep her attention. she claims it was over a 6 month span and they only had sex 5-6 times and that there were never nude pictures involved. any advise on how i can move on from this mess...try to fix my marriage? try to feel like a complete man again? im so lost and i have no idea how to live with this all

[BHsigh]

I am so sorry that this happened to you. All I can say right now is to take your time, decisions to stay or go do not have to be made right away. File for divorce if you are leaning that way, divorces usually take a few months and can be canceled at any time.

 

About the OM (other man), don't feel down about the OP being different than what your wife has always professed to like. Many affairs happen between people that would never persue each other normally, and a lot of people even downgrade during an affair. My wife for instance went for a a skinny, small framed guy that dropped out of college with one semester left, didn't have a job and lived with his grandmother.

 

Just spend some time seriously thinking about whether you can forgive and rebuild a relationship with your wife, or if you would have to move on. It seriously can take years for you to feel ok again if you decide yo reconcile, 2 to 5 at least.

 

And take care of yourself, exercise, eat healthy, don't drink alcohol. All of this is important to help keep your head clear.

[road]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

[BHsigh]

Oh, and no joke, but nothing makes a man feel more like a man than physical activity and increased free testosterone levels. Do both at the same time by lifting free weights and taking up another physical activity, I like to cut down trees by hand with my 3 pound ax, it helps immensely.

[Bryanp]

You sound like a nice guy. Do you think that your wife allowed herself to have this affair because she knew that you would forgive her and there would be no consequences to her behavior? Do you think if she knew that you would have divorced her if she cheated she would have done this? It seems like she had nothing to lose since she probably thought you would forgive her anyway which you did.

 

If the roles had been reversed and you were screwing some young girl behind her back and putting her health at risk for STD's do you think she would be so forgiving and accepting as you have been?

 

I hope both of you have been tested for STD's. What has been the consequences to her cheating on you?

[yellowmaverick]

If you have been faithful to your wife and family, in my eyes you are TWICE the man than the child your wife is having sex with.

 

There is something seriously miswired for any adult of age 32 choosing to have sex with a 19-yr-old. This is gross on so many levels.

 

Your wife having sex with this child is HER shame to bear, not yours. Her affair is about everything that is wrong with HER, not you.

 

I am sorry for you and your children.

[harrybrown]

So is she remorseful? Has she been tested for stds?

 

Did she use protection? The cheating was all on her, there are faults in marriage, but she cheated several times over many months. If she is not trying to fix this, you need to do the 180. You can read about the 180 here on LS.

[xAkulax]

Just because he was younger doesn't mean he was better; young men have the energy yes but no skill in the art of sex so don't focus on it.

[PoopHappens]

Affairs are jack easy to be less than discriminating with. My WW picked a total dweeb as an AP, with characteristics that are completely opposite to what I know she finds attractive. Yet, the dude had the right elements at the right time. Strictly a good enough scenario.

 

I too struggled with my identity and it took quite a while to realize what a jack-ass she was making of herself. Dig in and take your time with whatever decision you make. Stand tall, not for her, but for yourself. You win, no matter how bad you think you may have lost. Dignity has a value far exceeding all the cheap orgasms a WS may ever achieve.

[Gerrykins]

i recently caught my wife of 10yrs(we have 3 children 9,8,& 5) having an affair with a MUCH younger man...she is a teacher and i caught her with a ex student who is 19, she is 32. when i caught her she eventually "came clean" but i have my doubts that she has given me the total truth tho! she claims it started due to needing to feel "needed" as in my attention wasn't enough for her, but she needed affirmation in the form of some teenager. i am older than my wife im 44 and she is 32. she has always told me that she was only attracted to older men like me and only attracted to men built like me. BUT this kid that i caught her with is nothing like me at all. so now i have ZERO self esteem because now i feel inadequate to keep her attention. she claims it was over a 6 month span and they only had sex 5-6 times and that there were never nude pictures involved. any advise on how i can move on from this mess...try to fix my marriage? try to feel like a complete man again? im so lost and i have no idea how to live with this all

An awful situation to be in.It doesn't matter if they had sex once or a 1,000 times;the fact is that they did.

From your wife's point of view, maybe she felt unappreciated and tired of being just a wife and mother(especially with three kids to look after). How would you feel in her place? This youngster offered her the opportunity to get away from that:- the age difference between you two is irrelevant,so don't worry about that.

Why not take a break just the two of you, if yoiu're able to get someone to look after the kids?

A quiet holiday, where you're able to sit and talk and unwind: discuss things and maybe have wild nights, or not. Just see how you both feel and enjoy just being a couple again and take it from there.

This could be a major turning point that actually brings you closer together.

[Tayken]

A quiet holiday, where you're able to sit and talk and unwind: discuss things and maybe have wild nights, or not. Just see how you both feel and enjoy just being a couple again and take it from there.

This could be a major turning point that actually brings you closer together.

 

@OP.....Read between the lines here to see where the problem might have stem from. This poster has offered you a perspective that you might have overlooked in this matter, and I concur with everything said here

 

I get that after three kids, you might not be able to look at her the same way you did back when, but it doesn't mean that tapping that once in a week should be ignored.

 

You created a void, and someone else was more than happy to fill it (no pun intended)

 

The vacation idea is a good one to try and rekindle the FIRE...I urge you to book somewhere nice (not crawling with young punks) and romantic, act like a gentleman throughout, and for crying out loud go at it like rabbits all day long

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

i recently caught my wife of 10yrs(we have 3 children 9,8,& 5) having an affair with a MUCH younger man...she is a teacher and i caught her with a ex student who is 19, she is 32.

 

It sounds like your wife has "issues." I've seen similar stories on the news, but I really don't think it's the norm. Far from it. In my opinion, this is not a "normal" affair (if there is such a thing) like you see in most of the other posts on here. The age difference and the teacher-student thing make me think there's something "off" about your wife.

 

What are the odds that this started while he was still her student?

 

How did she keep in touch with him? How did she get the affair going with this kid?

 

First thing I might do is tell his mommy and daddy about it. Except I'd be worried that it did, in fact, start when he was a student, and your wife would lose her job or worse.

[Tayken]

How did she keep in touch with him? How did she get the affair going with this kid?

 

Trick question? Try Farcebook and other social media nonsense outlets

 

Another reason am glad am not on any social media, still enjoy my rotary phone considering am a tech savvy person in his 40s

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Trick question? Try Farcebook and other social media nonsense outlets

 

Another reason am glad am not on any social media, still enjoy my rotary phone considering am a tech savvy person in his 40s

 

I'd like to hear his answer, not speculation. It's not a trick question.

[Zenstudent]

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

 

An awful situation to be in.It doesn't matter if they had sex once or a 1,000 times;the fact is that they did.

From your wife's point of view, maybe she felt unappreciated and tired of being just a wife and mother(especially with three kids to look after). How would you feel in her place? This youngster offered her the opportunity to get away from that:- the age difference between you two is irrelevant,so don't worry about that.

Why not take a break just the two of you, if yoiu're able to get someone to look after the kids?

A quiet holiday, where you're able to sit and talk and unwind: discuss things and maybe have wild nights, or not. Just see how you both feel and enjoy just being a couple again and take it from there.

This could be a major turning point that actually brings you closer together.

 

@OP.....Read between the lines here to see where the problem might have stem from. This poster has offered you a perspective that you might have overlooked in this matter, and I concur with everything said here

 

I get that after three kids, you might not be able to look at her the same way you did back when, but it doesn't mean that tapping that once in a week should be ignored.

 

You created a void, and someone else was more than happy to fill it (no pun intended)

 

The vacation idea is a good one to try and rekindle the FIRE...I urge you to book somewhere nice (not crawling with young punks) and romantic, act like a gentleman throughout, and for crying out loud go at it like rabbits all day long

Wait a minute.... Deskjockey, Your wife decided to get some strange from a stranger, you were not involved in that decission. Meaning your wife had/have some issues she should have a look at.

 

You didn't create any void, you can't create anything inside the head of another human being. What happens next time some other void appears from out of nowhere - will she cheat again to fill the void that you created?

 

No, you just concentrate on being the best man and partner you possibly can, you're good enough as you are. And then let your wife figure out why she needs to fill voids by the help of other men/teenagers instead of talking about them with you.

[BHsigh]

@OP.....Read between the lines here to see where the problem might have stem from. This poster has offered you a perspective that you might have overlooked in this matter, and I concur with everything said here

 

I get that after three kids, you might not be able to look at her the same way you did back when, but it doesn't mean that tapping that once in a week should be ignored.

 

You created a void, and someone else was more than happy to fill it (no pun intended)

 

Woah, woah, woah. You make it sound like the affair was partly OP's fault.

 

Deskjockey,

 

While the advice given to rekindle your marriage is great, and they are correct that your wife was missing something, please realize that you in no way caused her to have an affair. Her affair was all about her and had nothing to do with you.

 

When a person is missing something that they need, it is their responsibility to work with you to fix it, or leave. An affair is never an answer and is the cowards way.

[Tayken]

Woah, woah, woah. You make it sound like the affair was partly OP's fault.

.

 

I guess your interpretation of my post compared to how others see it, is at the complete opposite ends of the spectrum

[bubbaganoosh]

If anything, she's less of a woman. If she wansn't happy then she has a mouth and a voice box and she should have used it in the right way.

 

I hope that you have put her on notice that she's going to have to make some big time efforts to undo the mess she made. If you let her get away with it with nothing more than a "Tsk, tsk, tsk, and rubbing your two index fingers together and saying "Shame on you" then you going to get the same thin in the future.

[BHsigh]

I guess your interpretation of my post compared to how others see it, is at the complete opposite ends of the spectrum

 

Then it looks like you didn't read all of the reply's, there's one post before mine that said the same thing.

 

After all

 

I get that after three kids, you might not be able to look at her the same way you did back when, but it doesn't mean that tapping that once in a week should be ignored.

 

You created a void, and someone else was more than happy to fill it (no pun intended)

 

This says it all, it screams of "it's your fault". Your choice of the words "You created a void" support that opinion. And your unnecessary use of "someone else was happy to fill it (no pun intended)" is like salt thrown into his wound. Completely uncaring to say to BS, particularly when he just found out about her affair, his mind is going to punish him enough.

 

I apologize if I interpret that incorrectly, you are of course welcome to clarify the post so that OP doesn't read it like I did.

 

OP, again, this isn't your fault, your wife is the one that chose to have an affair. She could have worked to repair any problems she had, going after a 19 year old isn't seeking to work on your marriage.

[thummper]

i recently caught my wife of 10yrs(we have 3 children 9,8,& 5) having an affair with a MUCH younger man...she is a teacher and i caught her with a ex student who is 19, she is 32. when i caught her she eventually "came clean" but i have my doubts that she has given me the total truth tho! she claims it started due to needing to feel "needed" as in my attention wasn't enough for her, but she needed affirmation in the form of some teenager. i am older than my wife im 44 and she is 32. she has always told me that she was only attracted to older men like me and only attracted to men built like me. BUT this kid that i caught her with is nothing like me at all. so now i have ZERO self esteem because now i feel inadequate to keep her attention. she claims it was over a 6 month span and they only had sex 5-6 times and that there were never nude pictures involved. any advise on how i can move on from this mess...try to fix my marriage? try to feel like a complete man again? im so lost and i have no idea how to live with this all

 

 

Oh gee, only 5 or 6 times? Well, isn't that a comfort?! And no nude pictures. My, my. How very commendable. I'll tell you how to live with it, tell the adulterous b**ch to go and be with her boy toy, then go out and get yourself tested for STD's. I'd be willing to bet they didn't use any kind of protection.

[beach]

What if she never changes and you live the rest of your life justifying her constant bad behavior?

 

Is that the life you imagined?

Edited February 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Ap22]

I know what you mean about self esteem after an affair. Its tough for me sometimes dealing with my wifes affair.

 

You are a man. She is not a woman. She is a selfish little girl. What you do right now can show her and yourself what a man truly is.

 

You have to make the best decision for yourself. Make that decision for you, not for fear, not for her, not for anything other than whats best for you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If you have been faithful to your wife and family, in my eyes you are TWICE the man than the child your wife is having sex with.

 

There is something seriously miswired for any adult of age 32 choosing to have sex with a 19-yr-old. This is gross on so many levels.

 

Your wife having sex with this child is HER shame to bear, not yours. Her affair is about everything that is wrong with HER, not you.

 

I am sorry for you and your children.

 

He is 12 years older then her and she is 32 and they already have 3 kids including a 9 yo...... Now let's hope they dated 2 years before he knocked her up...... Making him 32 when he met a 20 yo. Doesn't seem much different to me.

 

Pretty obvious what happened. She never had a chance to enjoy her youth, marrying an older man and having children quick. She met a boy and wants to be 20 again imo.......

[William]

Looks like another drive-by. Thanks, folks.