myname Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Ok, I'm pregnant by the MM who I've been involved with on and off for over 4 years. He has no other children and says he is happy about the pregnancy, but I'm 21 weeks gone now and he's not told his wife or any of his family, he's not making any plans to leave her and apart from coming to the first scan he is not being supportive at all. He says staying in his home means he will be able to better support me financially, but he's been in his home all this time and he has always struggled to make ends meet there so I can't see what will be different and very much doubt I'll get anything but the odd token amount. I also can't see how he can reliably be involved once baby's here as he'll still be hiding it from his wife and therefore likely to rarely see us or make very short term plans if he does which I don't think is going to be good enough. I'm feeling crap and stressed about all this and am resenting him as I want to enjoy the pregnancy and prepare. I'm considering telling him to get lost and he can forget he has a child coming, he thinks this is unfair of me, but i think he's had things his own way long enough. What do you all think? I'm struggling with the idea of cutting him off because he is the father and says he wants to be involved but he isn't helping with anything and I sometimes think I could be less stressed and prone to sadness if I just accepted I am doing this on my own and might be better off without his input. Edited February 2, 2014 by myname
sunburned Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 So sorry you are going through this. Yes, you can still go NC. Have your lawyer do what needs to be done to ensure child support. That's all you need from this guy and it won't be a secret from his W any longer either. I would make any future communication with MM go through your attorney as well. Best of luck.
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Thanks, I was thinking of not involving him at all if I go no contact as financially I'm not sure it would be worth the hassle to get barely anything. My main concern is that it's not fair to baby to make the decision to cut dad off.
Berkley Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Thanks, I was thinking of not involving him at all if I go no contact as financially I'm not sure it would be worth the hassle to get barely anything. My main concern is that it's not fair to baby to make the decision to cut dad off. It is 'worth the hassle' and his legal responsibility. Don't let him off the hook...no way, no how. You have to take care of this child for 18 years...you have no way of knowing that you won't need financial help down the road. Unless he gives up parental rights...you also can not just choose to cut him out of the child's life. He has every right to see his child if he so chooses.
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 The reason I'm thinking of cutting him off is because I am currently hurt and stressed by his contact and if he carries on as he is then baby once born will also end up hurt and stressed which I do not want. Also I do not think his financial support will amount to much. Do I have to let him do whatever he wants even if it will not be necessarily in the best interests of the child, for instance if he continues like he does now he will arrange visits and then change them or cancel them and be stressed when he's there and rush off if his wife calls.... I feel in a no win situation.
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 It is 'worth the hassle' and his legal responsibility. Don't let him off the hook...no way, no how. You have to take care of this child for 18 years...you have no way of knowing that you won't need financial help down the road. Unless he gives up parental rights...you also can not just choose to cut him out of the child's life. He has every right to see his child if he so chooses. This is interesting, if he doesn't support me through the pregnancy and he doesn't commit to any plans to support his child does he still have full rights to see the child whenever he feels like it?
veryhappy Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Don't allow your child to be a secret. This is where this is going. He either steps up and chooses to be a father or you can choose not to have him on the birth certificate. I think in that case he'd have to request a paternity test. It means intent, time, money and outing reality to his wife. I doubt you have to fear that. Talk to an attorney. You have to consider your child could go stay with him and the wife. He could fight you on moving out of state if you ever wanted. For what? What father would he be? I'd let the child decide when older if he wants anything to do with his bio dad, but for now I don't see the benefit. He's not involved with the child a secret and he won't become more cooperative if you make the situation public. He's just a selfish, coward little man. Edit to add that if he chooses to be a father and his wife is aware, put everything on paper. Money, visitations. Don't let him run your life. Make his presence well defined and predictable. Edited February 2, 2014 by cutedragon
Berkley Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 He has no legal obligation to support you. You were not married nor living together. He does have a legal obligation to support his child...and it is up to the courts to decide how much. He'll have no say in it. That money belongs to your child...even if you don't think it will be much, it could be a pretty good college fund in 18 years. It doesn't matter if he plans to support the child...he HAS to, whether he likes it or not. In most places , you can not withhold visitation. Unless you can prove that he is a threat - criminal, drug abuser, etc. If a father wants to see his child....he has that right. He can just go through the courts if you try to refuse. Being married, having an affair, not going to your Drs apt with you or being there through your pregnancy...none of them reasons to withhold visitation legally.
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 He automatically doesn't go on the birth certificate unless he actually comes to register the birth with me, that's the law in the uk. I don't want my child to be put thru being kept a secret, that's why it does seem better to have no involvement while he is intent on protecting his home and marriage. If he wants to be involved he needs to do it so it's best for the child regardless of whether he stays married or not. That seems like a reasonable thing for me to put to him doesn't it?
Berkley Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 He automatically doesn't go on the birth certificate unless he actually comes to register the birth with me, that's the law in the uk. I don't want my child to be put thru being kept a secret, that's why it does seem better to have no involvement while he is intent on protecting his home and marriage. If he wants to be involved he needs to do it so it's best for the child regardless of whether he stays married or not. That seems like a reasonable thing for me to put to him doesn't it? If you refuse to put his name on the birth certificate - he can still demand his parental rights. That remains to be seen...whether he wants to be legally named the father or not. Think long and hard about it before you give up your right to child support. It takes hundreds of thousands of dollars to raise a child. Either way, you child would still be kept a secret...as well as being denied by it's father. Better get that support for therapy for him/her. Unmarried parents ( UK ) An unmarried father can only get legal responsibility for his child in 1 of 3 ways: jointly registering the birth of the child with the mother (from 1 December 2003)getting a parental responsibility agreement with the mothergetting a parental responsibility order from a court
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I'm not talking about refusing him to go on the birth certificate if he wants to, but if he is not there to register the birth he simply won't be able to be put on it. If we are not involved with him the child will not be a secret, chasing him for money if he doesn't want to be involved could be more painful for the child than having nothing I think.
Berkley Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 If we are not involved with him the child will not be a secret, chasing him for money if he doesn't want to be involved could be more painful for the child than having nothing I think. The child will be a secret ! The identity of it's father will be a secret. You don't think that's going to affect the child ???
Author myname Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 The child will be a secret ! The identity of it's father will be a secret. You don't think that's going to affect the child ??? You have very strong views on this, is there a reason, do you have experience of something similar? If the father keeps the child a secret then is it better for the child for me to look after the child alone or for me to get in a battle with the father over what he does or doesn't do?
jellybean89 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 This is interesting, if he doesn't support me through the pregnancy and he doesn't commit to any plans to support his child does he still have full rights to see the child whenever he feels like it? Child support and visitation are 2 separate issues. Some facts: Both parents are legally financially responsible for the child. Courts will determine who much each parent is responsible after both parties have disclosed their finances. Judges lean towards joint custody unless a parent can be proven to be unfit (and unfit does not mean doesn't seen the child). You cannot terminate parental rights unless there is someone willing to adopt the child (you can't make the father's parental rights be terminated unless you have a husband who plans to adopt the child and become that child's legal parent). Non custodial parents are not obligated to see their child. No court can force visitation. A custodial parent is legally obligated to make the child available for visitation; but they can't force the other parent to visit the child. I personally know of cases where the court ordered visitation at a neutral location and the custodial parent had to bring the child to the location and the child had to stay until for the allotted time (as an example 1 pm to 4 pm on Sundays). The child had to stay there until 4 pm in case the non-custodial parent arrived late. The below are comments, not facts You cannot make someone be a father because their sperm created a child. You cannot make someone love their child and want to be in their life. You (general you) don't get to dictate how a man decides to parent...or decides to not parent. The father is under no financial responsibility to support you -- you are not his wife nor his girlfriend. Whether he tells his wife of your pregnancy or not, that isn't your business. Additionally, if he chooses to be an involved father with your child, you must also understand his wife will be involved (if they stay married). He will be allowed to have visitation at his home, without you there. He will be allowed to take the child on vacation (eventually) without you being there either. The child will be okay no matter what the father decides - as long as the child is loved and cared for. There are millions of kids out there without involved fathers. There are thousands of kids out there without involved mothers. Two close girlfriends of mine are married to men who have sole custody of their children and one of my girlfriends adopted the daughter of her husband and his ex wife (the ex wife gave up her parental rights). Kids will adapt to their surroundings. Millions of kids have divorced parents and it isn't a stigma like it once was. There are millions of step parents in the world - some good, some crappy. There are thousands of same-sex couples raising children children (2 mommies or 2 daddies). Kids adjust. Consult a lawyer before the child is born and find out what rights your child is entitled to.
Berkley Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You have very strong views on this, is there a reason, do you have experience of something similar? If the father keeps the child a secret then is it better for the child for me to look after the child alone or for me to get in a battle with the father over what he does or doesn't do? Yes...I have four children and one grandbaby, which is why my views are so strong. I did go through a court battle for custody/child support for my DD after my first M and I'd do it all again to protect my kids. The 'father' is going to be found out sooner or later. If not now, then when your child is older and wants to know their father. They will - regardless of the circumstances...they will want to know. So, the only question is - does MM tell his family now...or in 15 years ? I would hope that you will be honest with your child and tell them who their father is.
jellybean89 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I could not edit my comments above -- wanted to add that the above information is relevant to child & custody laws in the USA.
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You let a man knock you up that is not free to be your husband and a full time dad to your child. People living in a glass house..................I think it is time that you put down that stone.
chelsea2011 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Berkley is right in the sense that this child will feel a pull toward wanting to know the biological father. If this is indeed what you mean. Have you ever lost a parent? Biologically speaking it is all relevant. When you lose a parent you feel it in every cell of your being. It is very biological. Blood is blood whether they are present or not. Please don't take this so lightly. This will surface for your child eventually. Observe yur MM's reactions and then plan accordingly. Do what is right for your child, but do it with honesty and tons and tons of love. Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation.
Author myname Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 You let a man knock you up that is not free to be your husband and a full time dad to your child. People living in a glass house..................I think it is time that you put down that stone. What stone? I've not been throwing any accusations.
Author myname Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I could not edit my comments above -- wanted to add that the above information is relevant to child & custody laws in the USA. Thanks, I'm in the uk and I think it might be different. Contrary to what some replies on this thread are suggesting I do actually want to do the best for my child. I'm not imagining I can make a man be a father if he doesn't want to and all I plan to do is allow him to if he does and can and not get my child caught up in a battle if he won't.
Author myname Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Berkley is right in the sense that this child will feel a pull toward wanting to know the biological father. If this is indeed what you mean. Have you ever lost a parent? Biologically speaking it is all relevant. When you lose a parent you feel it in every cell of your being. It is very biological. Blood is blood whether they are present or not. Please don't take this so lightly. This will surface for your child eventually. Observe yur MM's reactions and then plan accordingly. Do what is right for your child, but do it with honesty and tons and tons of love. Best of luck to you. I'm sorry you find yourself in such a difficult situation. I'm not taking this lightly at all. I do know what it's like to not have a biological parent in your life as a child. My mother brought me up and I found my father when I was in my thirties. So I will not be lying to my child, and I will do what seems right for my child. That surely is not going to be a legal battle with the father.
Author myname Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Legal battles and just looking for making him pay financially is not what I think is the best way to approach this. Punishment and retribution is not going to be good for the child. If he wants to be a father of course I will welcome it, regardless of whether he is with me, his wife or anyone else, if he can't provide reliable contact and support to the child then is it fair for me to remove the child from being hurt in that situation. That was my question. I didn't ask about law in any country or what i should have done or not done before I became pregnant.
Berkley Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Punishment and retribution is not going to be good for the child. If he wants to be a father of course I will welcome it, regardless of whether he is with me, his wife or anyone else, if he can't provide reliable contact and support to the child then is it fair for me to remove the child from being hurt in that situation. That was my question. . Punishment? Really ? Having to help take care of a child that he had a 50% hand in creating is not punishment !!! He doesn't have to be reliable in providing support...the courts will make him be reliable. Is it fair to remove your child from the possibility of having some contact with it's father...no...it's not fair at all. If he wants nothing to do with being a father, that's his choice and there's no decision for you to make if you're not willing to fight for your child's rights - but it's not up to you to remove his child from any situation if he does want to be involved in some way
Author myname Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Punishment? Really ? Having to help take care of a child that he had a 50% hand in creating is not punishment !!! He doesn't have to be reliable in providing support...the courts will make him be reliable. Is it fair to remove your child from the possibility of having some contact with it's father...no...it's not fair at all. If he wants nothing to do with being a father, that's his choice and there's no decision for you to make if you're not willing to fight for your child's rights - but it's not up to you to remove his child from any situation if he does want to be involved in some way A court will not make him be reliable if he is not, at least not in the uk, they just don't have that much power, if he had a wage they could take money from his pay check but that is all and that does not make a reliable loving father. If his contact is sporadic, confusing to the child and upsetting for the child then where are the child's rights? It seems the father's rights are being treated as holding more weight than the child's, this doesn't make sense to me. Fighting a battle for the child to have a small amount of money and an angry father is not something I feel would be fighting for my child's rights. I would rather they were happy and loved and living in a stable situation.
Berkley Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 A court will not make him be reliable if he is not, at least not in the uk, they just don't have that much power, if he had a wage they could take money from his pay check but that is all and that does not make a reliable loving father. If his contact is sporadic, confusing to the child and upsetting for the child then where are the child's rights? It seems the father's rights are being treated as holding more weight than the child's, this doesn't make sense to me. Fighting a battle for the child to have a small amount of money and an angry father is not something I feel would be fighting for my child's rights. I would rather they were happy and loved and living in a stable situation. The courts can force him to reliably give you child support. The child has a right to know their father - good or bad. You really don't think that seeing good old dad once and a while is better than growing up never having even laid eyes on him ? You asked for advice....if you don't want to hear anyone else's opinions....then good luck to you...but mostly to this child
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