txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 It's nice to have a place like this. I find that perspective interesting as its so different from mine. My one affair was to escape my emotional issues, and what a epic fail that was. It made everything just so much worse.
wanting more Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 As are very similar once they start. People get involved for different reasons. I had a great childhood with loving parents. I wasn't abused physically or emotionally. I took full responsibility at home. Financial and emotional. I was cook, maid, chauffeur, tutor, and bank. My A was my fantasy world. No responsibility. Just fun.
yellowmaverick Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents Interesting. This is almost exactly what my WH said. He said that he "knew" that I would always be there for him. He was wrong.
PurpleCardigan Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents As I'm struggling with grief and letting go of what was a toxic relationship, reading threads of like this remind me of why I'm letting go. I am a single xOW to my xMM. In other words the opposite of txgrl who is married and was with a single man (so maybe this should be in infidelity section rather than here, but it doesn't matter.) When I read stuff like this I'm reminded that there is a great chance that I was convenient, and used by my xMM. The married person had safety and security and someone to fall back on...so who cares if the married person runs the single person's heart through the ringer because, well, they have safety and security someplace to land. They want their cake and be able to eat it, too. I'm not attacking you, txgrl, as I've seen this in other threads, too, yours was just a trigger for me today. The waffling of going back and forth to the marriage -- and typically staying for safety and security. Well, for me it tanked my self-esteem and I'm left alone (without the safety and security of someone to fall back on) to sort out the mess. Before I get snipped at, I've previously stated that I do own my responsibility of staying with xMM once I knew he was married...I could have walked away so part of my emotional fallout is my fault. It just makes me so angry to read this and reminds me while NC/LC (we work together) is hard...I must do it for me to become healthy again. 4
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 No sweetie( and I say it with love and my heart breaks for u) Ure not attacking me . I had become a cake eater , Ure right! And just like I said, it's just a thought that I had today . I may b wrong and yr MM might have very diff thoughts about this .
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ppl I'm on a roll here and they told me I couldn't write.. Lol Not sure how to say it exactly but sometimes I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Had I been in a difficult position financially or emotionally , I wouldn't even have the time or inclination for an A . I would be too busy dealing with real issues . Just my 2 cents Yeah I've begun to think that married people who have affairs (especially the kind that dont or won't leave their M) are some of the most greedy people on earth as far as relationships go. I guess they will never be content. They have to have more than what they already have. 1
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Yes, I was selfish and greedy and not at all considerate of my M or the OM's feelings . No, after the things that have dawned on my after the A, I'm slowly and painfully reaching a place where I'm quite content and appreciative of what I have . 1
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Although some would flip that perspective and say some of these single people are extremely selfish , greedy for pursuing an A with a MAP knowing full well they're taken having full capability of walking away from it and finding soneone unattached? 1
sunburned Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yeah I've begun to think that married people who have affairs (especially the kind that dont or won't leave their M) are some of the most greedy people on earth as far as relationships go. I guess they will never be content. They have to have more than what they already have. Hmmm ... I was a cake eater too though I would have denied it at the time. We were both married and enjoying a cakefest. I just don't think -- when it comes to cheating -- a married AP is any "worse" or any "better" than a single AP. Popsicle makes a fair point about greed when the parties are married. But the flip side is we weren't out to wreck anyone's family or "steal" anyone's spouse, whereas a single OW/OM often has precisely that goal. I mean that's kinda selfish too, don't ya think? Honor among thieves and all that ... 3
sunburned Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Although some would flip that perspective and say some of these single people are extremely selfish , greedy for pursuing an A with a MAP knowing full well they're taken having full capability of walking away from it and finding soneone unattached? Yes, exactly what I was trying to say. I must have been working on my reply while yours came in. You said it better.
twosadthings Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I think you should look much deeper. To have something worth having at home and being willing to blow it to shreads can't just be because of some perceived sense of security. Didn't the thought of losing what you had come to rely on ever cross your mind? You don't mention your current state much. Do you now still feel secure in your marriage, does your husband? I don't remember if he has been told. Just sayin' Twosadthings
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 That's what 's called being in the 'affair fog' . Clarity comes in hindsight . Husband had caught on I was talking to someone when A started . He told me twice that our best bet was to stay together and address our marital issues . He even told me one time that if I went and remarried , my second marriage would most likely b a disaster . He never ' confronted' me , never asked me abt OM so no, I'm not going to go volunteering info that would burden our M unnecessarily . Were at a much better place than I expected , we bith feel pretty secure . Some issues have been resolved, some we're still working on . Progress is being made every day , even if it's baby steps. Thanks sunburned !
Got it Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Hmmm ... I was a cake eater too though I would have denied it at the time. We were both married and enjoying a cakefest. I just don't think -- when it comes to cheating -- a married AP is any "worse" or any "better" than a single AP. Popsicle makes a fair point about greed when the parties are married. But the flip side is we weren't out to wreck anyone's family or "steal" anyone's spouse, whereas a single OW/OM often has precisely that goal. I mean that's kinda selfish too, don't ya think? Honor among thieves and all that ... I disagree. There are many MAP who start at with the belief they are going to divorce and be together so I don't see it as any different. And while the SOP may have the idea of wanting to "steal" a spouse (though again there are many SOP who have no interest in their AP divorcing) as a MOP you have no future plans are literally blowing up your home life for what? A little fun in the sun? Seems like a lot to gamble on for almost nothing than a little side action. How does one gamble all of that for something that they have nothing really invested in it? Sorry but as a fMOW I think that the MOP is far more selfish. They are literally trying to blow up both worlds and have more at stake and have far less regard. To me, it is the ultimate selfishness.
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Although some would flip that perspective and say some of these single people are extremely selfish , greedy for pursuing an A with a MAP knowing full well they're taken having full capability of walking away from it and finding soneone unattached? Selfish, yes. Greedy, no.
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I was hoping to divorce and end up riding off in the sunset with OM ( literally , were both into horseback riding ) and live happily ever after . Reality set in much later on . I m not trying ti gauge the 'selfishness and greed' levels of any party here . I only point fingers at myself and hope and try to make myself a better person , wife and mother thru lessons learned . 1
blue963 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Sorry but I dont think that is quite accurate. Many people have A's because they aren't received what they need from their marriage.
Got it Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 That's what 's called being in the 'affair fog' . Clarity comes in hindsight . Husband had caught on I was talking to someone when A started . He told me twice that our best bet was to stay together and address our marital issues . He even told me one time that if I went and remarried , my second marriage would most likely b a disaster . He never ' confronted' me , never asked me abt OM so no, I'm not going to go volunteering info that would burden our M unnecessarily . Were at a much better place than I expected , we bith feel pretty secure . Some issues have been resolved, some we're still working on . Progress is being made every day , even if it's baby steps. Thanks sunburned ! Until you come clean you the affair is still the elephant in the room. There is still so much your husband doesn't know but knows. And there will still be a disconnect between you guys until you are completely honest. Because at this point you still do not have to own your actions. You may be regretful but are you completely remorseful? You still need to keep peeling back the layers to figure out your thought process and how you started on the slippery slope. Recognizing you did it because you had a safety net is a good first step but the big question is why did you gamble and try and destroy something that you say you prioritized? Why were you selfish? When did the thinking start?
Ruffian1 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I think that I had the A because I did have the safety and security of a pretty good M at home . I had sonething to fall back on . Txgrl I just have to say what a refreshing breath of air you are in this forum. Thank you for speaking honestly. Most of the MOW-MOM always qualify their A by blaming their BS or some reason that “pushed’ them into cheating. Kudos to your integrity in admitting you had a pretty good M and not blame-shifting.
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Blue , regardless of how justified we feel in having an A at the time , my bigger lesson is that IT IS ALWYS WRONG !!! Charles was wrong, CAmilla was wrong, lady Diana was wrong . Affairs are wrong! Got it, and I know many ppl on this forum will rip me apart for this, I don't believe that I have to confess to heal or to make our M better . I've stopped the A, an repentant and am trying to make amends . It's bringing peace and happiness to me and H is very happy . The kids are in a health happy household . Why should I open Pandora's box?? Again , ppl have their own circumstances and personalities and choosing to confess or not confess is a v personal decision . H decided not to ask me , if he ever asks , I'll answer all questions as honestly as I can . Ruffian, that is the truth . I wish I hadn't indulged in an A to come to that conclusion .. Thanks 1
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Sorry but I dont think that is quite accurate. Many people have A's because they aren't received what they need from their marriage. Then get a divorce. 5
miguelcervantes Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 That's what 's called being in the 'affair fog' . Clarity comes in hindsight . Husband had caught on I was talking to someone when A started . He told me twice that our best bet was to stay together and address our marital issues . He even told me one time that if I went and remarried , my second marriage would most likely b a disaster . He never ' confronted' me , never asked me abt OM so no, I'm not going to go volunteering info that would burden our M unnecessarily . Were at a much better place than I expected , we bith feel pretty secure . Some issues have been resolved, some we're still working on . Progress is being made every day , even if it's baby steps. Thanks sunburned ! If you have not told him and given him the courtesy and respect of being honest with him so that he can decide for himself, then you are living a lie! This is far from over I am afraid and it will come back to bite you - even 20 years later - it will come back! But to each their own.
miguelcervantes Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Txgrl I just have to say what a refreshing breath of air you are in this forum. Thank you for speaking honestly. Most of the MOW-MOM always qualify their A by blaming their BS or some reason that “pushed’ them into cheating. Kudos to your integrity in admitting you had a pretty good M and not blame-shifting. She is in a position to be a "breath of fresh air" because she hasn't told her husband yet - maybe more like a squirt of air freshener! 1
wanting more Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 IMHO I'm sure you have learned a lot about yourself and why you had an A. But I still think without fessing up to your H, you don't really see the effects of the A.
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