I just don't care

[Musing]

When my ex and I split I felt pretty crappy. I cried for a few days but in ways it was a relief to me because I was unappreciated in the relationship and I felt that he wasn't really about being with someone (he was sort of like this from the start, but we really liked each other. For all I know, he could be with someone else now though.)

 

Anyway regardless of how I felt the past couple of months in the relationship, I still really miss him. If he were older or out of school, I feel like it would have lasted. I've been in a lot of relationships and I felt like this one was a keeper.

And I'm really upset that it ended as it did because it wasn't a bad relationship. But I was much more experienced in dating and relationships than he was..

 

I feel really down. I went from crying, to being fine for a few weeks, to feeling like nothing is worth it. I'm just not happy with anything. It's like the color was sucked out of my life. It isn't even intense crying, or begging or pleading. I feel very gloomy and depressed and empty. I am always tired, and when I think of him (which I am trying not to do) I feel defeated.

Nothing I do - not my looks, personality, anything will get him back.

 

I remain NC for my own sanity. But I ache.

[Xemyd]

It's the same for me.

 

Unfortunately I have this nagging feeling that if I talked to him now we could work things out, but I won't send that text. I'm stuck in this weird cycle; fine for a few days, completely miserable for a few days.

 

Almost 90 days NC, no breadcrumbs.

Almost 6 months post BU. It's not getting any easier for me.

[k10k]

Sorry you're feeling gloomy musing..

 

Don't feel defeated.. How about focusing on the future.. think of how you would like your life to look in a couple of years from now, write down all the things you want, plan your goals, write down all the wonderful qualities that you have that will make this happen. Imagine it, and start to feel good about it, believe in it..

 

"I now focus on what I want, NOT on what I don't want or what I think I've lost."

 

Remember, only you have the power to control and change your feelings, so choose your thoughts well x

[Musing]

Thank you guys, I always like hearing other perspectives.

 

Xemyd - Oh man, it feels like I'm reading something I wrote in your post. That nagging feeling, I have that too. That "I know something is there" feeling. And there may well be...but honestly I don't want to find out if there is or isn't...because if there isn't, I'll crash and burn harder than when I saw him (Oh yeah, there's that too. I get to run into him daily)

 

I genuinely hope it gets easier for you. How long did you guys date for?

 

k10k - The problem is (and probably what is perpetuating this feeling I have) is that I'm not even sure what interests me, and right now I am so lazy (or maybe overwhelmed as I graduate uni in 3 months) to find out. I kind of like some stuff but it's not enough to snap me out of how I feel. I am trying to believe in what my future could hold, but I suppose at this point it's a struggle.

The only long term relationship I had (a few years, longer than this last one) is one that I broke up. So being the dumpee of a LTR is a first for me, it's a drag. My mind is teetering between denial, anger, and acceptance.

[Xemyd]

We dated over a year. Yeah, in reality it's not very long, but it was honestly the best relationship I've ever had. He was perfect, everything I didn't know I wanted. I've never believed in marriage, thought it was a waste, but being with him changed my mind. I wanted that with him.

 

I know what you mean about running into him too, I don't see him, but I do have to drive past his house everyday.

 

I just feel like we rushed into the breakup, there's no distance between us anymore, I want to try again, I want a proper non-long distance relationship with him. But, he hasn't even tried contacting me, so now I'm stuck believing we should try again and maybe he just didn't want to be with me.

[Musing]

We dated over a year. Yeah, in reality it's not very long, but it was honestly the best relationship I've ever had. He was perfect, everything I didn't know I wanted. I've never believed in marriage, thought it was a waste, but being with him changed my mind. I wanted that with him.

 

I know what you mean about running into him too, I don't see him, but I do have to drive past his house everyday.

 

I just feel like we rushed into the breakup, there's no distance between us anymore, I want to try again, I want a proper non-long distance relationship with him. But, he hasn't even tried contacting me, so now I'm stuck believing we should try again and maybe he just didn't want to be with me.

 

My past RS was a little over a year as well. It was my second longest and while we were in different stages of our lives, I felt like it could have worked. He, as a person, is what I was looking for. But he said he didn't want to stay with his first girlfriend so I got screwed over due to circumstance.

 

It's really difficult. That last line in your post I totally relate to. Sometimes I feel like NC is a big comfy blanket protecting me from seeing or hearing about thing that will hurt me more. I think I'd rather stay NC than have him contact me all happy and in a new relationship. But it stings knowing they can just move on and be okay while we have these feelings.

 

If you ever need someone to commiserate with or just to vent or talk to, you can PM me (I think that's possible here, I haven't tried it yet!). I've been on here a lot lately.

[Redhawkk]

I dated my GF for 2.7 years, and while I'm only 20, I felt as if it was going to be Her and I against the world for ever. She changed, and our love for each other steadily dissipated over time--and it finally ended yesterday. I miss her terribly, but I know she doesn't miss me, and how I know that? She indirectly told me. I know she'll miss me to a degree, but like in all break-ups, one of the party will miss the other even more. That'll be me, as it will be for you--for basically everyone here. We are the heartbroken. The ups and downs will come and go like an emotional roller coaster. But soon enough, happiness will find it's way back into our lives. So I say this to everyone: Do not dwarf your path to happiness. Now's the time to change your life for the better, to improve yourself as a person, to focus on YOU. The next time someone comes along, you'll be happier and a stronger couple. Allow yourself to go through all stages of Grief, when you arrive to acceptance(hopefully sooner than later), you'll see the world will be yours to grasp. I'm all with you in feeling blue, I'm there now. As a wonderful band once sang: "Don't let the sun catch you crying" leave it for the night, but during the day. CARPE DIEM! Seize the day. Take all the time you need, but don't lose your focus on life. It moves on, and so will you

[Xemyd]

If you ever need someone to commiserate with or just to vent or talk to, you can PM me (I think that's possible here, I haven't tried it yet!). I've been on here a lot lately.

 

 

That'd be great. I don't really have people to talk to other than here. I don't like admitting to friends or family about this. We broke up on a Saturday and I didn't even tell my bestfriend until the Wednesday after lol.

[Musing]

Redhawk - Thank you for that. I know that right now it's all still fresh and the score will even out soon enough, it's hard for my mind to grasp that it's over when nothing was wrong on the surface, just bad timing. I keep reminding myself he doesn't care so I shouldn't either. Getting to that step is difficult though.

 

Xemyd - Telling people was pretty hard for me. I easily told parents and a few friends because they knew what I was going to prior for the BU and I called it a couple days in advance (he was acting distant with me for a week prior)

It was telling my friends at school, because if they saw him with someone else I didn't want them to be surprised and report it back to me.

Talking to people you know about what happened almost solidifies the break up even more and makes it more real. Plus I felt like I failed somewhere and didn't want to be pitied by friends or family.

[Xemyd]

Xemyd - Telling people was pretty hard for me. I easily told parents and a few friends because they knew what I was going to prior for the BU and I called it a couple days in advance (he was acting distant with me for a week prior)

It was telling my friends at school, because if they saw him with someone else I didn't want them to be surprised and report it back to me.

Talking to people you know about what happened almost solidifies the break up even more and makes it more real. Plus I felt like I failed somewhere and didn't want to be pitied by friends or family.

 

So many similarities. My guy was distant for a month before, and me being stubborn I didn't initiate contact thinking, if he wants to talk he can put in the effort. Eventually I called him out, he apologized for it but then started saying how he wasn't sure about his work situation, how he may have to work out of town again and be LD again. Then the break up happened, I pretty much let it happen, I felt like I couldn't say anything, I didn't cry in front of him. I now feel like maybe he thinks I didn't care.

 

I've never been very open with people, my personal life is fairly secretive I guess, I won't openly come out and talk to people about it unless they ask. I know how important communication is in relationships, but for some reason that was my biggest fault with him.

[Musing]

So many similarities. My guy was distant for a month before, and me being stubborn I didn't initiate contact thinking, if he wants to talk he can put in the effort. Eventually I called him out, he apologized for it but then started saying how he wasn't sure about his work situation, how he may have to work out of town again and be LD again. Then the break up happened, I pretty much let it happen, I felt like I couldn't say anything, I didn't cry in front of him. I now feel like maybe he thinks I didn't care.

 

I've never been very open with people, my personal life is fairly secretive I guess, I won't openly come out and talk to people about it unless they ask. I know how important communication is in relationships, but for some reason that was my biggest fault with him.

 

I am sure he knows you care, if you guys dated for awhile then it probably wasn't surprising to him that you didn't cry over it. My ex and I both cried, but it didn't change the situation any.

 

It's hard opening up to people. Sometimes it just feels safer in our own heads and with our own thoughts.

I hardly talked to my guy about the issues I felt and when I did I didn't feel comfortable because I didn't want to "rock the boat" so to speak, or risk losing him since I knew it was going to happen.

 

The good part is we know communication needs to be better the next time around, whether that "next time" is with them, or new people.

[Xemyd]

I am sure he knows you care, if you guys dated for awhile then it probably wasn't surprising to him that you didn't cry over it. My ex and I both cried, but it didn't change the situation any.

 

It's hard opening up to people. Sometimes it just feels safer in our own heads and with our own thoughts.

I hardly talked to my guy about the issues I felt and when I did I didn't feel comfortable because I didn't want to "rock the boat" so to speak, or risk losing him since I knew it was going to happen.

 

The good part is we know communication needs to be better the next time around, whether that "next time" is with them, or new people.

 

I want to reach out so bad, but I know I should wait for him to do it. My one friend told me to talk to him, my dad even told me to. My dad is friends with his dad, and they ran into each other recently, then my dad told me to stop being a brat and call him lol. Its funny how he thinks it's just that simple. I never did call.

[Musing]

I want to reach out so bad, but I know I should wait for him to do it. My one friend told me to talk to him, my dad even told me to. My dad is friends with his dad, and they ran into each other recently, then my dad told me to stop being a brat and call him lol. Its funny how he thinks it's just that simple. I never did call.

 

Just FYI I read your story and it sounds so scarily like mine, although instead of distance, it was more age and the fact I was the first LTR he's had.

But the whole "I was going to change my mind", "I can't expect you to wait for me", "If we keep going it could get worse so let's end it now" type deal. I got all of those too. And I don't think they are just lines because at one point when I was younger I was in his position (but I suppose I'll never know 100%)

 

Anyway, it definitely feels like the door is left open a crack but I don't want to just wait. I, like you, really want to reach out. But my parents told me not to talk to him. One thing I tell myself is that he left. Same with you. It's so sucky, too..because the reasons weren't infidelity, or abuse, or even incompatibility (on the surface, anyway...maybe in age or distance but not in personality) so for us, it's hard to just say "screw him" and walk.

It'd almost, dare I say, be easier to get dumped by a jerk then someone who you had a viable relationship with. It's almost like, "why would he want to throw away a good thing?" It's almost inconceivable.

 

I was a dumper once and had the dumpee constantly messaging me. I have also had guys interested in me that I wasn't feeling who were constantly messaging me after i told them how I felt. Honestly, having someone beg or plead with you is so unattractive it almost disgusted me after while.

 

So, when I want to reach out, I imagine myself being that begging, pleading person. How would I look to him? Weak, sad, pitiful...meanwhile, other girls are out there laughing, smiling, being their carefree and dramafree selves that he'd rather be with. Do I want to be perceived as the burden, or as the tired, boring, annoying ex? Hell no! And conversely, I would rather not dump my focus on waiting for replies or hanging onto his words. That's how it got when he distanced himself and it sucked.

 

You gotta think about that when you want to talk to your ex. How would he perceive you if you tried, and what would happen if you didn't get the reaction you wanted?

 

There is sexiness in confidence and mystery, and to me, NC does that. Even if he doesn't see it that way, I assume he does and it makes me feel powerful knowing I don't seek his validation (something his pre-relationship "flings "did with him) or that, gasp...I could have a better future now that he's gone. That hits a person..trust me.

 

But, of course - I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to reach out to me. There inlies the crux of our situations

Edited February 2, 2014 by Musing

[Xemyd]

Just FYI I read your story and it sounds so scarily like mine, although instead of distance, it was more age and the fact I was the first LTR he's had.

But the whole "I was going to change my mind", "I can't expect you to wait for me", "If we keep going it could get worse so let's end it now" type deal. I got all of those too. And I don't think they are just lines because at one point when I was younger I was in his position (but I suppose I'll never know 100%)

 

Anyway, it definitely feels like the door is left open a crack but I don't want to just wait. I, like you, really want to reach out. But my parents told me not to talk to him. One thing I tell myself is that he left. Same with you. It's so sucky, too..because the reasons weren't infidelity, or abuse, or even incompatibility (on the surface, anyway...maybe in age or distance but not in personality) so for us, it's hard to just say "screw him" and walk.

It'd almost, dare I say, be easier to get dumped by a jerk then someone who you had a viable relationship with. It's almost like, "why would he want to throw away a good thing?" It's almost inconceivable.

 

I was a dumper once and had the dumpee constantly messaging me. I have also had guys interested in me that I wasn't feeling who were constantly messaging me after i told them how I felt. Honestly, having someone beg or plead with you is so unattractive it almost disgusted me after while.

 

So, when I want to reach out, I imagine myself being that begging, pleading person. How would I look to him? Weak, sad, pitiful...meanwhile, other girls are out there laughing, smiling, being their carefree and dramafree selves that he'd rather be with. Do I want to be perceived as the burden, or as the tired, boring, annoying ex? Hell no! And conversely, I would rather not dump my focus on waiting for replies or hanging onto his words. That's how it got when he distanced himself and it sucked.

 

You gotta think about that when you want to talk to your ex. How would he perceive you if you tried, and what would happen if you didn't get the reaction you wanted?

 

There is sexiness in confidence and mystery, and to me, NC does that. Even if he doesn't see it that way, I assume he does and it makes me feel powerful knowing I don't seek his validation (something his pre-relationship "flings "did with him) or that, gasp...I could have a better future now that he's gone. That hits a person..trust me.

 

But, of course - I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to reach out to me. There inlies the crux of our situations

 

I know NC is the best thing, I have reached out to him twice but never about the relationship, just asking how he was doing, the conversation was always really short and he's too nice to not reply.

 

I've said a few times before how I wish I could hate him, it's always easier for me to drop people I'm mad at. Any bad relationship I've had I was never totally broken over it, it was more "well, so glad I'm out of that sh*t storm" and move on. But other than the distance, we were perfect. If it was just a line he was giving me, I would have rather him just tell me straight up that he didn't want me anymore. Now all I have is this annoying hope in the back of my mind that he'll come around someday. I realize he didn't say what he did to screw me over, but if you're going to break up with me don't tell me "I'd rather end on good terms in case things work out in the future". I don't want to be sitting around waiting for however long.

 

I honestly don't think I'll reach out to him. If he contacts me, of course I'd talk to him, but like you said, I don't want to be that naggy, desperate ex girlfriend. I'm just still so confused over the break up, and I know I'll never get answers, I just can't seem to completely cut him out of my thoughts.

[Musing]

I know NC is the best thing, I have reached out to him twice but never about the relationship, just asking how he was doing, the conversation was always really short and he's too nice to not reply.

 

I've said a few times before how I wish I could hate him, it's always easier for me to drop people I'm mad at. Any bad relationship I've had I was never totally broken over it, it was more "well, so glad I'm out of that sh*t storm" and move on. But other than the distance, we were perfect. If it was just a line he was giving me, I would have rather him just tell me straight up that he didn't want me anymore. Now all I have is this annoying hope in the back of my mind that he'll come around someday. I realize he didn't say what he did to screw me over, but if you're going to break up with me don't tell me "I'd rather end on good terms in case things work out in the future". I don't want to be sitting around waiting for however long.

 

I honestly don't think I'll reach out to him. If he contacts me, of course I'd talk to him, but like you said, I don't want to be that naggy, desperate ex girlfriend. I'm just still so confused over the break up, and I know I'll never get answers, I just can't seem to completely cut him out of my thoughts.

 

I got that too. I remember asking my ex "Do you think we can try again?" His answers were "I don't know what the future will hold" and "Probably, when I'm not all stupid" But he said he wanted a clean break so I'm not trying to wait around.

People get confused in relationships, I don't think any of it is devious and they probably try to calculatingly tell us in the nicest ways possible without being too committed to one answer or another (probably a reason we are broken up...these guys seem to not want to truly commit to the relationships we had)

The good news? It shows they also have hope, or don't feel the need to say "screw off" and shut the door totally.

The bad news? Could also mean they feel relief being single and could easily move on. That is what kills the most...knowing a great thing happened but because of a (seemingly) bogus reason, they left. And someone else could become a part of their lives in the same way we were, just with better timing.

So I see why you'd want him to say "I'm not into you and want you out of my life" I feel like I would have moved on quicker with this as well. Then again, they basically said this through actions. Admitting it hurts, though.

[Xemyd]

they basically said this through actions. Admitting it hurts, though.

 

That's what I struggle with. He broke up with me, he chose to walk away when I told him I didn't want to, over distance, something that is manageable, it wasn't that bad of a situation. I know he made a decision to break up and that should be enough for me to walk away right there, find someone else, be ok. I don't want to hang on anymore, I'd rather just let go and be happy but of course, I can't just hit a switch for that to happen.

[Musing]

That's what I struggle with. He broke up with me, he chose to walk away when I told him I didn't want to, over distance, something that is manageable, it wasn't that bad of a situation. I know he made a decision to break up and that should be enough for me to walk away right there, find someone else, be ok. I don't want to hang on anymore, I'd rather just let go and be happy but of course, I can't just hit a switch for that to happen.

 

I think that if you love someone deep down, it's not an easy switch to turn off. It's damn near scary to even think about sometimes too.

I don't know about you but I get really down when people say "there is someone out there better for you!" He was already great, it's was the situation that sucked.

 

It's nice to know I'm not the only one with these thoughts, though. But I wish I could help you with yours. You said it's been 6 months post breakup? Have you tried any coping mechanisms to help you?

[Xemyd]

I think that if you love someone deep down, it's not an easy switch to turn off. It's damn near scary to even think about sometimes too.

I don't know about you but I get really down when people say "there is someone out there better for you!" He was already great, it's was the situation that sucked.

 

It's nice to know I'm not the only one with these thoughts, though. But I wish I could help you with yours. You said it's been 6 months post breakup? Have you tried any coping mechanisms to help you?

 

 

Yeah, my mom is a fan of saying that to me. She didn't like him either for some reason, when he was the best boyfriend I've ever had. She even made comments while we were dating like "oh that waiter was flirting with you, you should get his number", really? But my ex was pretty much perfect to me, how can I find someone that good? He's probably going to end up being my gold standard.

 

I go to school, so I'm usually pretty normal during the day, I stay busy. But, I'm an introvert, so at night I generally don't go out much, I don't party. I like to keep to myself which also means being stuck in my own mind a lot. So, no, I guess I don't really do anything to cope. I started back into eating healthy, I cook a lot, but there's only so much you can do in a day. I've always worked out, so luckily I never gained any weight after the BU, but I always felt I should stop eating so horribly.

[Musing]

Yeah, my mom is a fan of saying that to me. She didn't like him either for some reason, when he was the best boyfriend I've ever had. She even made comments while we were dating like "oh that waiter was flirting with you, you should get his number", really? But my ex was pretty much perfect to me, how can I find someone that good? He's probably going to end up being my gold standard.

 

I go to school, so I'm usually pretty normal during the day, I stay busy. But, I'm an introvert, so at night I generally don't go out much, I don't party. I like to keep to myself which also means being stuck in my own mind a lot. So, no, I guess I don't really do anything to cope. I started back into eating healthy, I cook a lot, but there's only so much you can do in a day. I've always worked out, so luckily I never gained any weight after the BU, but I always felt I should stop eating so horribly.

 

Xemyd, you are me! Or, I am you

I am also an introvert and tend to ruminate with my thoughts. I'd gone to a counselor in the past and she asked me that question, "what do you do to get through tough times?" I basically told her I just...live. I drudge through it. And think. Thinking is my strength and my weakness. I can be intellectual but also very anxious from overthinking.

 

Do you feel any better after several months, or do you feel the hope is keeping you where you're at? I've had breakups before, but I wasn't so hung up as I am for this one - so I know what you mean by the gold standard comment.

[Xemyd]

Xemyd, you are me! Or, I am you

I am also an introvert and tend to ruminate with my thoughts. I'd gone to a counselor in the past and she asked me that question, "what do you do to get through tough times?" I basically told her I just...live. I drudge through it. And think. Thinking is my strength and my weakness. I can be intellectual but also very anxious from overthinking.

 

Do you feel any better after several months, or do you feel the hope is keeping you where you're at? I've had breakups before, but I wasn't so hung up as I am for this one - so I know what you mean by the gold standard comment.

 

It's funny the similarities in such a crappy time in our lives.

 

The hope is slowly eating away at me. I know there's a small chance that we'd ever get back together, but I definitely like that small chance better. I have days where I'll cry myself to sleep, the frequency just depends. Obviously being 3 months NC must mean I'm making progress.

[Musing]

It's funny the similarities in such a crappy time in our lives.

 

The hope is slowly eating away at me. I know there's a small chance that we'd ever get back together, but I definitely like that small chance better. I have days where I'll cry myself to sleep, the frequency just depends. Obviously being 3 months NC must mean I'm making progress.

 

Three months definitely is progress!

But I'm feeling that hope right now. This time last year I was watching the Superbowl with him, I am opting not to watch it at all this year because even that hurts (Plus I'm not one for football)

It seems that since I ran into him, I am having my second wind of the break up. And I really am just finding it hard to believe it's totally over.

[Xemyd]

Three months definitely is progress!

But I'm feeling that hope right now. This time last year I was watching the Superbowl with him, I am opting not to watch it at all this year because even that hurts (Plus I'm not one for football)

It seems that since I ran into him, I am having my second wind of the break up. And I really am just finding it hard to believe it's totally over.

 

That always sucks when you have to not do things because of the memories. I know how that feels. I can even remember days that we saw each other, all of January I was thinking "oh today last year we did this, today we did that", the memories just pull me right back in. That's usually why I tend to sleep a lot lately, but then I have dreams of him almost every night, no escape.

 

We seem to both be at the same stage and I'd say we're doing well enough.

[Musing]

We are doing well enough, especially not reaching out or turning to alternative means to cope.

 

What I hate is the helpless feeling that I am trapped in wanting someone who doesn't want me or is possibly happy with someone else. Many of my RS have been short and I could get over them easily enough. This one seems to be taking a toll on my mood. I hate that I had a taste of what life was like without him and was fine with it just to hit the ground mid-race.

[Xemyd]

We are doing well enough, especially not reaching out or turning to alternative means to cope.

 

What I hate is the helpless feeling that I am trapped in wanting someone who doesn't want me or is possibly happy with someone else. Many of my RS have been short and I could get over them easily enough. This one seems to be taking a toll on my mood. I hate that I had a taste of what life was like without him and was fine with it just to hit the ground mid-race.

 

Unrequited love is the absolute worst thing. I'm fairly sure my guy is still single, which I guess makes me feel a bit better about it, I don't think I'd be able to handle it right now if I found out he was with someone new. I have a friend settin me up with someone, and I honestly have no interest in it, just the thought of doing anything with another guy disgusts me.

 

I'm totally fine being single, I just have a real problem not being with him. I finally find a guy I genuinely want to be with forever, who I want to marry, and then I get this. Actual heartbreak.

[Musing]

Unrequited love is the absolute worst thing. I'm fairly sure my guy is still single, which I guess makes me feel a bit better about it, I don't think I'd be able to handle it right now if I found out he was with someone new. I have a friend settin me up with someone, and I honestly have no interest in it, just the thought of doing anything with another guy disgusts me.

 

I'm totally fine being single, I just have a real problem not being with him. I finally find a guy I genuinely want to be with forever, who I want to marry, and then I get this. Actual heartbreak.

 

I have no idea if mine is seeing anyone. But I like to assume he is, so that it keeps me grounded.

I had a friend going through the same thing as me (I have 3 guy friends going through break ups!) and he suggested a hookup. The other also hinted at it, and the third is a platonic friend who is also holding out hope for his ex. But I have 0 interest in hooking up and it actually makes me feel kind of sick.

 

I am okay with being single and actual prefer it, it's a good time to get space and some perspective on my life, which I am sure you'll probably get now as well. Sometimes these are mixed blessings, we learn most about ourselves in hard and painful times.