ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I recently went on 3 dates with a really great woman. While I feel like we would be great friends, I'm just not really physically attracted to her. We went out for some dinner and drinks last night. Unfortunately, I agreed to go back to her place with her. We made out for a while and I stayed at her place, but no sex or anything. I had just enough to drink to make a bad decision. She seems like a great lady, but she just doesn't excite me from a physical attraction standpoint. She expressed that she liked me last night and I sort of just transitioned out of the conversation without expressing a mutual interest. No one likes awkward confrontations regarding this type of thing. I am sort of new to my area and would love to have her as a friend, but I'm really just not interested in her romantically. I am not sure how to let her down gently. I'd like just to text her with a short explanation but I feel like a prick doing that. However, its not fair for me to lead someone on. How can I easily let her down?
soccerrprp Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 1. You have to do it. This is the most important thing right now. 2. If it's easiest to do this by text, then go for it. You've only dated 3x, but she may and will be pissed and may have even less respect for you if you text. 3. Being friends is likely not going to happen, if that's what you really want. One good thing for you is that you didn't go all the way. Best scenario...call her and tell her. I wouldn't inject the "friend" thing. It can be offensive and insulting to some. 3
BradJacobs Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I wouldn't inject the "friend" thing. It can be offensive and insulting to some. It's not her job to be your tour guide since you are new to the area. Also, do the rest of soccer's post and do it quickly. If you really liked a girl, professed this to her while making out, she ends up sleeping over at your place without sex what would you be thinking the next morning? Man up and do the right thing.
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 It's not her job to be your tour guide since you are new to the area. Also, do the rest of soccer's post and do it quickly. If you really liked a girl, professed this to her while making out, she ends up sleeping over at your place without sex what would you be thinking the next morning? Man up and do the right thing. She just sort of casually said she like me, it wasn't very serious in nature. I'm just not sure how to put things in words so that I won't hurt her feelings.
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Texting her will be easier but it's amount the crassest ways you can break up with somebody. Telling in person is the classy, kind thing to do. Arrange a casual meeting at a neutral location & just tell her that you don't feel the right chemistry with her. Wish her well & move on. Don't say lets be friends. If you must spew a cliché, go with "It's not you, it's me." 1
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Texting her will be easier but it's amount the crassest ways you can break up with somebody. Telling in person is the classy, kind thing to do. Arrange a casual meeting at a neutral location & just tell her that you don't feel the right chemistry with her. Wish her well & move on. Don't say lets be friends. If you must spew a cliché, go with "It's not you, it's me." So, you think the in person approach is the best for the situation I described? I really had a near instant sense of regret regarding this situation.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Don't text. That's a cop out. You need to either phone her or tell her in person, it's the right way to do things. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Texting her will be easier but it's amount the crassest ways you can break up with somebody. Telling in person is the classy, kind thing to do. Arrange a casual meeting at a neutral location & just tell her that you don't feel the right chemistry with her. Wish her well & move on. Don't say lets be friends. If you must spew a cliché, go with "It's not you, it's me." Agree with the last part. But, you don't know her. You don't owe her a face-2-face for sure. I would be annoyed to meet someplace only to be dumped. Waste of time, energy and money especially considering you've only met her 3x. I would call. More reasonable and believe me, many wouldn't even expect that much. Do what feels most comfortable for you and do it soon. 6
deathandtaxes Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 You can't be concerned with letting her down gently or not. You can't control how people react. She may be relieved, you never know! And I think it's perfectly ok to do it by text. I know others disagree, but it happens all the time. No explanation is needed. You only need say you don't wish to see her again. And as others have said - no friends. Put yourself in her shoes in that regard. That would be a killing blow.
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Agree with the last part. But, you don't know her. You don't owe her a face-2-face for sure. I would be annoyed to meet someplace only to be dumped. Waste of time, energy and money especially considering you've only met her 3x. I would call. More reasonable and believe me, many wouldn't even expect that much. Do what feels most comfortable for you and do it soon. I agree a call seems appropriate. However, what can I say that won't be offensive? I really want to minimize the amount I upset her. I wish I could change the past.
BradJacobs Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'm just not sure how to put things in words so that I won't hurt her feelings. It's impossible so get those thoughts out of your head. "There's something missing between us so I've decided to see other people. Thank you for being such a gracious host. Best wishes." 1
Shosh Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I am not sure how to let her down gently. I'd like just to text her with a short explanation but I feel like a prick doing that. However, its not fair for me to lead someone on. How can I easily let her down? I'd suggest saying something like: 'Hey [name], I just wanted to say that I really like you and enjoyed getting to know you. I would love to keep hanging out, but just as friends. I hope you feel the same way, but understand if you'd rather focus on meeting someone you have a romantic connection with. All the best, Brick.' 2
deathandtaxes Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'd suggest saying something like: 'Hey [name], I just wanted to say that I really like you and enjoyed getting to know you. I would love to keep hanging out, but just as friends. I hope you feel the same way, but understand if you'd rather focus on meeting someone you have a romantic connection with. All the best, Brick.' Way too much. A simple "I don't think we're a fit. Thanks for the few dates we had." should suffice. The less info the better. The only idea you MUST get across is that you will not see her again. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'd suggest saying something like: 'Hey [name], I just wanted to say that I really like you and enjoyed getting to know you. I would love to keep hanging out, but just as friends. I hope you feel the same way, but understand if you'd rather focus on meeting someone you have a romantic connection with. All the best, Brick.' I like this! It's not too lengthy. I mean, nobody actually WANTS to be friends, but having someone let you down by saying they want to be friends is sure a lot easier to take than someone saying a firm goodbye as though they don't want your company even platonically ever again. She probably won't take you up on it but I think it's the classy thing to do. I've said to guys 'I had a great time meeting you! I think you can tell that there isn't much of a romantic spark between us but if you want to meet up as friends sometime soon that'd be great' Then the ball is in her court. She gets to feel as though she has some control in deciding to meet as friends or not, and it gives somebody a way to 'save face' if you say 'I'm sure you felt it too'. They can say 'yes, I agree' and feel less rejected. Personally after three meet-ups I'd be happy to receive a text. Meeting up in person to get told that is a little overkill for somebody you're not actually with, and it's a total waste of time. Plus it's not nice to get rejected, and being able to handle it privately away from the person is a lot easier than having to respond in the moment, face to face. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I agree a call seems appropriate. However, what can I say that won't be offensive? I really want to minimize the amount I upset her. I wish I could change the past. I missed the part of you being new to town and sincere interest in having her as your friend. Still, a little sensitive. You can give her the option of being friends, but I think some are right in that she is likely not interested in being a friend or host to someone new who just dumped her. And there's always the "so, why don't you want to be with me?" Why am I not good enough to be your gf, but you want to be friends? Why did it take you three dates to see that I am not physically attractive to you? Why did you come over to my place?.....maybe she won't be thinking all this. If it makes you feel better to do it this way, DO IT. Just do it sooner than later. Just be prepared for a nasty/sarcastic response.
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I missed the part of you being new to town and sincere interest in having her as your friend. Still, a little sensitive. You can give her the option of being friends, but I think some are right in that she is likely not interested in being a friend or host to someone new who just dumped her. And there's always the "so, why don't you want to be with me?" Why am I not good enough to be your gf, but you want to be friends? Why did it take you three dates to see that I am not physically attractive to you? Why did you come over to my place?.....maybe she won't be thinking all this. If it makes you feel better to do it this way, DO IT. Just do it sooner than later. Just be prepared for a nasty/sarcastic response. It does make me raise the question if I need to "lower my standards" regarding physical attractiveness. Is there any way to determine this? I really enjoy her personality and I thought by giving her a few dates I'd be able to overlook some less than ideal physical qualities. I felt like I was just going through the motions kissing her though. I have been able to date women I find physically attractive in the past. Is it wrong to want a mate to have some level of physical and mental attractiveness? I feel like these things are mostly subjective.
soccerrprp Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 It does make me raise the question if I need to "lower my standards" regarding physical attractiveness. Is there any way to determine this? I really enjoy her personality and I thought by giving her a few dates I'd be able to overlook some less than ideal physical qualities. I felt like I was just going through the motions kissing her though. I have been able to date women I find physically attractive in the past. Is it wrong to want a mate to have some level of physical and mental attractiveness? I feel like these things are mostly subjective. ExposedBrick, Of course you have every right to determine what characteristics appeal to you! Almost every person on LS or anywhere else would expect that you do have some preferences that appeal to YOU. Nothing wrong with that. A lot of our personal preferences are subjective. Subjective and relevant to our personal needs and desires. Shallowness comes in other ways, but not in expressing your preferences. What was it that you discovered about her that turned you off? It's a good thing that you discovered this before forcing yourself to accepting something, that, in the long-term, would have bothered you. You spare yourself and your potential gf from pending heart-ache. I used to exclusively date fit/slim/athletic women. No exceptions. Then I met a so-called average woman. I am with her now and wouldn't change a thing. We have same healthy-life style outlook, so that helps. But we all have preferences and often times they change in time. Nothing wrong with that....
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 ExposedBrick, Of course you have every right to determine what characteristics appeal to you! Almost every person on LS or anywhere else would expect that you do have some preferences that appeal to YOU. Nothing wrong with that. A lot of our personal preferences are subjective. Subjective and relevant to our personal needs and desires. Shallowness comes in other ways, but not in expressing your preferences. What was it that you discovered about her that turned you off? It's a good thing that you discovered this before forcing yourself to accepting something, that, in the long-term, would have bothered you. You spare yourself and your potential gf from pending heart-ache. I used to exclusively date fit/slim/athletic women. No exceptions. Then I met a so-called average woman. I am with her now and wouldn't change a thing. We have same healthy-life style outlook, so that helps. But we all have preferences and often times they change in time. Nothing wrong with that.... I wouldn't say she is horribly unattractive. I usually find most women I date to have and least one or more physical qualities that I find attractive. She is actually a fairly athletic woman, maybe too athletic for my taste. She also doesn't necessarily present herself in the best way. Even though I'm not the most attractive guy, I do try to put my best foot forward and I like to see the same in my women. I have such a dilemma since I really enjoy her personality and sense of humor. I can't help but feel shallow to judge a person of such character on her physical appearance. She is a very nerdy chick, which I am also but not to that extent.
Thegreatestthing Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I've always been suprised by who I lust after,I've talked with some really hot guys and just felt nothing for them,sexually or otherwise,then some weird looking guy comes along and If the energy or connection is right I'm just full of desire for them. But I don't think it works the same way for boys honestly. It does make me raise the question if I need to "lower my standards" regarding physical attractiveness. Is there any way to determine this? I really enjoy her personality and I thought by giving her a few dates I'd be able to overlook some less than ideal physical qualities. I felt like I was just going through the motions kissing her though. I have been able to date women I find physically attractive in the past. Is it wrong to want a mate to have some level of physical and mental attractiveness? I feel like these things are mostly subjective.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I think it's nice to suggest being friends, if you can see yourself really being friends with her. She can accept or decline that. If she really has romantic feelings for you, she probably won't want to put herself through that. But she might also be fine with being friends, if her feelings aren't too strong.
deathandtaxes Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I've always been suprised by who I lust after,I've talked with some really hot guys and just felt nothing for them,sexually or otherwise,then some weird looking guy comes along and If the energy or connection is right I'm just full of desire for them. But I don't think it works the same way for boys honestly. Oh be most assured it works the same way for men.
Author ExposedBrick Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I think it's nice to suggest being friends, if you can see yourself really being friends with her. She can accept or decline that. If she really has romantic feelings for you, she probably won't want to put herself through that. But she might also be fine with being friends, if her feelings aren't too strong. I've never really wanted to be friends with someone I dated. We only went on three dates. Despite our conversations flowing smoothly and having a good time. I feel like she is probably a great match for me looking at things objectively but I'm frustrated because she just doesn't excite me. I've had two other relationships where I was very interested in the women. From the onset, I was very infatuated and excited about each step.Obviously the relationships didn't work out. Is it wrong to expect a certain degree of excitement from the early stages(i.e. honeymoon phase) or is that not a realistic expectation? I've also wondered if maybe I'm just disenchanted with dating in general at the moment from some recent disappointments. Is it good to take breaks or immediately get back on the horse when things fizzle?
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