txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'm one of you! Yeah I wasn't looking ... But now I go back and remember ( and regret) the exact moment where I crossed the boundary .. I knew I'd dine wrong, I could have easily stopped there . I made the poor choice of continuing down that path. After my A, Sometimes I'm very observant of married peoples behavior. I recently had a friend delete someone on her fb because she said that she didn't like some of the comments on his pictures by other ladies and he seemed to be flirting with them . My friend said this told her that this married friend of hers has v loose boundaries and his wife should object . If u can read this and make sense of it.. lol ... Wha I'm trying to say is people who value their relationships have strong clear boundaries in place that they just don't cross . Just my opinion.. 2
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 i agree with the strong clear boundaries. however then there are people like me who don't have the guts to assert boundaries! i wasn't looking for it but when possibility arose, i didn't say no. even when i was very happy in my relationship(or marriage in this case), i always felt 'guilty' asserting my boundaries 1
Nothisgirl Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 i agree with the strong clear boundaries. however then there are people like me who don't have the guts to assert boundaries! i wasn't looking for it but when possibility arose, i didn't say no. even when i was very happy in my relationship(or marriage in this case), i always felt 'guilty' asserting my boundaries I really relate to this. Even if I know it's wrong or I should honour my own moral boundaries I feel the guilt doing so if I know it will cause the other person pain. In IC I am realizing this isn't because I'm a "weak" person (which is what I think-thought- of myself) its because of things that happened to me as a young child and quite possibly the way my 5 year old mind adapted to accept what was happening. 2
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Absolutely. I am still in that process, going for my first counseling session soon. Weirdly even when I am truly happy in relationship, I feel 'bad' to let someone down! Even when someone completed unrelated would ask if if I was single, I'd feel bad saying no?! Makes no sense at all! If you don't mind me asking, what kind of things happened as a child? If you are interested, please read my thread. It's several people down and called 'so messed up', I hope to find the kind of answers you have.
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I know exactly when and how to say no. It was my poor choice to not say it . I've read it so often here on the forum and I myself said it to myself and OM a couple if times . In retrospect, it was a choice, a decision that only I could make . 1
chelsea2011 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'm one of you! Yeah I wasn't looking ... But now I go back and remember ( and regret) the exact moment where I crossed the boundary .. I knew I'd dine wrong, I could have easily stopped there . I made the poor choice of continuing down that path. After my A, Sometimes I'm very observant of married peoples behavior. I recently had a friend delete someone on her fb because she said that she didn't like some of the comments on his pictures by other ladies and he seemed to be flirting with them . My friend said this told her that this married friend of hers has v loose boundaries and his wife should object . If u can read this and make sense of it.. lol ... Wha I'm trying to say is people who value their relationships have strong clear boundaries in place that they just don't cross . Just my opinion.. The bolded is so true. The biggest issue a person needs to address in an affair is loose boundaries. From what I've read here it seems there are different types of affairs though and some are more about loose boundaries than others. To name a few there are affairs where 1) both people are truly in love and do what they need to do to legitimize their relationship 2) it's a marital bandaid due to conflict avoidance/passive aggressive personalities and 3) a person simply has loose boundaries and can't help themselves. What ever the case, it is always good to observe someone's boundaries (or your own) if you are involved. A person with loose boundaries can tend to be somewhat wreckless with other peoples feelings - conscious or not. 4
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 i agree with the strong clear boundaries. however then there are people like me who don't have the guts to assert boundaries! i wasn't looking for it but when possibility arose, i didn't say no. even when i was very happy in my relationship(or marriage in this case), i always felt 'guilty' asserting my boundaries A very important key that is missing in learning about/having boundaries for some, is how do we ENFORCE them? People pleaders, conflict avoidant type personalities, struggle with this part. What does enforcement look like? Will I look like a bi&$h, azzhat? Learning a new skill can be difficult. However, it can be done. And learning to enforce your personal boundaries and self advocate are good ones to start with. 3
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'm one of you! Yeah I wasn't looking ... But now I go back and remember ( and regret) the exact moment where I crossed the boundary .. I knew I'd dine wrong, I could have easily stopped there . I made the poor choice of continuing down that path. After my A, Sometimes I'm very observant of married peoples behavior. I recently had a friend delete someone on her fb because she said that she didn't like some of the comments on his pictures by other ladies and he seemed to be flirting with them . My friend said this told her that this married friend of hers has v loose boundaries and his wife should object . If u can read this and make sense of it.. lol ... Wha I'm trying to say is people who value their relationships have strong clear boundaries in place that they just don't cross . Just my opinion.. You are correct. 1
carhill Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yep, rewinding about 30 years ago, I'd opine I wasn't looking either and when an apparently lovely single young lady walked through my door, I thought growing that mutual 'interest' would become a wonderful relationship. Later, a couple months later, marriage would intrude on that, her marriage, previously undisclosed. That's how it goes and I'd see other examples of that style of interaction over the interceding decades. It got me, once. Caught the rest in time. I still 'catch' them, even now, most recently in the last year. Trust but verify. I live by it now. 2
sunburned Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I'm one of you! Yeah I wasn't looking ... But now I go back and remember ( and regret) the exact moment where I crossed the boundary .. I knew I'd dine wrong, I could have easily stopped there . I made the poor choice of continuing down that path. After my A, Sometimes I'm very observant of married peoples behavior. I recently had a friend delete someone on her fb because she said that she didn't like some of the comments on his pictures by other ladies and he seemed to be flirting with them . My friend said this told her that this married friend of hers has v loose boundaries and his wife should object . If u can read this and make sense of it.. lol ... Wha I'm trying to say is people who value their relationships have strong clear boundaries in place that they just don't cross . Just my opinion.. Me too -- a day that will live in infamy. Epic fail. 2
cocorico Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I was looking. And I found what I was looking for 1
Got it Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I'm one of you! Yeah I wasn't looking ... But now I go back and remember ( and regret) the exact moment where I crossed the boundary .. I knew I'd dine wrong, I could have easily stopped there . I made the poor choice of continuing down that path. After my A, Sometimes I'm very observant of married peoples behavior. I recently had a friend delete someone on her fb because she said that she didn't like some of the comments on his pictures by other ladies and he seemed to be flirting with them . My friend said this told her that this married friend of hers has v loose boundaries and his wife should object . If u can read this and make sense of it.. lol ... Wha I'm trying to say is people who value their relationships have strong clear boundaries in place that they just don't cross . Just my opinion.. I agree and see my slippery slope/justification thinking all the way back in college. We were dating then and I remember thinking I wish I could freeze him, put him on a shelf, live my life and come back and take him off. I knew he was a great pick on paper but greatly minimized the core issues I/we had. I just thought it was the age, having been together since high school, and not much of a dating experience. I thought it, if not normal wasn't abnormal. Another huge red flag was walking down the aisle and the thought " well divorce isn't that hard" popped into my head. How I didn't appreciate that a lot more I have no idea. There were other things as well but those stand out for how far back they go. Divorcing was the right decision for us. But he didn't deserve me cheating on him.
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Exactly! If things are so bad in the M , go for a D, not an A . 1
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 An A will always blow your mind . This is why most A when become traditional relationships tend to fail . Whether your M is bad or ok or whatever , there are other ways of improving it , not an A .
Appreciate Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Is it the person, the affair or both? Is that person still going to blow your mind 5, 10, 20 years from now? Because the affair will have been long over by then, and someone else may come along who blows your mind even more. What then?
Author txgrl Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 'PurpleCardigan i feel the same way as you do...after experiencing and seeing our love transform a person i dont get how they choose to go back to the comfort and stability and mundane-ness of something that obviously didnt make them that happy to begin with.' This is from an OM( zeva? Or xeno?) on my first thread( maybe some answers from a MW to single OM) that the moderator moved to the infidelity board , not sure why . I thought it made more sense here . Anyhow, I jut wanted to point something out here because I realized it myself, but only after the A . Yes the A made me a better listener, more into healthy eating , hell I even exercised more while talking to OM etc etc But all this is within the A BUBBLE!! It's not within the context of real life with kids , step kids, stresses at work, illnesses, deaths, bills, cars breaking down , scraping snow off the car in the morning every day! even if we shared our frustrations or difficult times with OM, we don't 'live 'them with them . Would OM still be always bringing out my best or vice versa if we'd gotten yogether? I don't know. .... But then it would b another 'mundane' relationship with al the challenged and problems of real life ? I'm sure if that.
AlwaysGrowing Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 It seems, that affairs that turn into LTR or marriages that do indeed work, are the ones in which both parties acknowledge that the affair was wrong, seek IC or MC to address the issue/s that lead to the choice to engage in an affair......and....put stronger boundaries in place to protect the relationship. The ones that do not, are far more likely to be dealing with trust issues and infidelity in a few years, if not sooner.
Scott Thomas Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 How's your marriage working? Reconciling with your husband (I think he know that you had an EA but decided to 'remain in the dark' about the PA)?
Spark1111 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 It seems, that affairs that turn into LTR or marriages that do indeed work, are the ones in which both parties acknowledge that the affair was wrong, seek IC or MC to address the issue/s that lead to the choice to engage in an affair......and....put stronger boundaries in place to protect the relationship. The ones that do not, are far more likely to be dealing with trust issues and infidelity in a few years, if not sooner. From what I have read, the ones that do work are out of the shadows and into the open, very, very quickly. fiends and family not only know, but embrace the new relationship because they may have realized, before the APs do, how dead in the water the former marriage is. Every month, year, that passes in the secret bubble is NOT a good sign that a commitment to the future will be coming. 1
Author txgrl Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Its getting better . Were both working on some things that we talked about , we both appreciate each other more , more verbal about it, spending more time together and enjoying it . My feelings towards OM have changed dramatically over the past week or so, mostly because of this forum . I've seen the hurt in the betrayed spouses posts, I've cried reading some if their posts , and also the AP. what a gutwrenching experience for everyone involved . Yeah he doesn't know and decided to not ask me questions so I'm not going to twist the knife . Thanks for asking . I don't know if u were being sarcastic but I feel horrible today , really really sorry for my A .
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