ladydesigner Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 OMG yes, I was on a warpath against both my WH and the MOW. I know for a fact I would have physically harmed MOW (right after DDay) if we were face to face. It took a year for my anger to subside. With the help of therapy, medication and a great support system (my girlfriends) I worked on my anger one step at a time. Today I feel indifferent towards MOW and other days I feel pity, but for a time yes I absolutely wanted to harm the MOW. 1
TheBladeRunner Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I wanted to rat both of them out as it all started at work. In the beginning I was furious but it didn't take me long to realize that hurting the WW and/or the OM would do absolutely nothing for ME and MY own well being. I left her and dreamboat to their own demise. Being cheated on is horrible, it has changed my entire outlook on relationships and I know it will be sometime before I heal enough to try another, but in this awful situation there was nothing I could have or should have done to either one of them that would make the situation any better. Don't get me wrong, I had some evil plans (muh-ha-ha-ha-ha:lmao:) but the moment I thought of executing them I would always ask in the end would it really make things better? And the answer was always no. 1
Confused48 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Presuming your behavior was addressed privately FIRST and you/MOM refused to stop your illicit relationship immediately, church discipline is and was entirely appropriate. Your pastor was brave and I hope one day you and your family apologize to him for going on a crusade to punish him and eventually getting him removed from the church for doing his job protecting his congregation from YOUR behavior and standing up against evil. If I recall correctly, Lilmiss's affair was over and NC was in place when the "brave" pastor decided she needed to be punished, publicly. That is why he was removed. 2
experiencethedevine Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 I was very angry when I discovered my husband had involved himself with a psychopathic other woman, but conversely, she hated me with such vehemence because as far as she was concerned, I was the only single obstacle (our children, according to her, would 'eventually' get used to her) to overcome so that my husband would 'see the light' and leave me to live her fairy tale with her. This resulted in her showing her true colours and not only 'threatening' me and our children with all manner of violent ends and tortures, but actually carrying out some very dangerous and frightening displays of her psychopathy that resulted in her temporary loss of liberty with time to 'reflect' on her own behaviour. Quite the reverse for me, while I wanted her to fade into obscurity rather rapidly, she was fiercely hell bent on harming us all..............
peaksandvalleys Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 Yes I want to hurt OW. Right now I feel as if everything that has happened to her isn't enough. I want her to hurt more, physically. I want ex to hurt more. I want them to have years of pain to equal the years of lying to me. But I know that won't happen nor can it give me the years back. I still want her to hurt to the core of her nasty being. 1
peruano99 Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 No because the one responsible is the WS and not the other person. For all we know, the OM/OW didn't even know the WS was in a relationship.
Owl Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 After d-day, I had some serious revenge fantasies on OM. You can look up my posting history in 04-05 if you're interested, but let's just say I gave real thought to doing something, and could have easily carried it out had I opted to. I didn't. Figured it was better to focus on rebuilding my marriage and family. Pretty quickly I came to the realization that frankly, I don't care about OM. In truth, I understand why he was attracted to my wife...I certainly am/was. I wish him a long and happy life...as long as he stays the heck out of mine/ours. Truthfully....hope he found someone, and has a good life. As long as he remains out of my life...he's welcome to it. If he comes back and things go south in my life...all bets are off. 2
peaksandvalleys Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 No because the one responsible is the WS and not the other person. For all we know, the OM/OW didn't even know the WS was in a relationship. The AP in my case did know and knew for several years. So yeah I want her to hurt for her part in destroying my life. And I want him to hurt for his part. But I get some people do not feel that. 1
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Not in my case....She knew, very much knew. She contacted me on FB and used to like all my photos and talked with him about our son etc. The bitch definitely knew. She also knew she was married with three children...two of them very young children. QUOTE=peruano99;5508919]No because the one responsible is the WS and not the other person. For all we know, the OM/OW didn't even know the WS was in a relationship.
i am gutted Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 I wanted to hunt her down and smash her face in fkn huckmole 1
jnel921 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Of course it doesn't help, but I'm sure confused already knows this. For goodness sake, the woman is entitled to be angry with whomever and for however long it takes for her to get a handle on it! We don't all process things the same way and in the same time. She doesn't want to shut her out at this moment, and if she rages and rants but does not risk REAL injury to the other woman, then let her have that to process her intense anger. I have clients in both my refuges who have been a darn sight more furious than confused, really, and with a great deal less control! She is R with her H. Why spend energy on anger. It only revives the negative energy and sparks emotions that have no place in R. I have been there, done that...those emotions if you hold onto them long enough gets you behind bars.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Wish I could be perfect like you apparently are. So what should I do...rug sweep? Tht will help my anger a lot too. She is R with her H. Why spend energy on anger. It only revives the negative energy and sparks emotions that have no place in R. I have been there, done that...those emotions if you hold onto them long enough gets you behind bars.
Raena Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 (edited) Wish I could be perfect like you apparently are. So what should I do...rug sweep? Tht will help my anger a lot too. I didn't write the post you responded to, but I do have something to say to you. I basically said the exact same thing in my response earlier. Hating the OW/OM is only hurting YOU. It doesn't do anything to them, unless of course you act out your anger and then it will affect you. I know exactly how hard it is. It hasn't been easy for me either. The only conclusion I've come to after going through a few months of pain and anger was that they couldn't hurt me if I didn't let them. I had to let it go. I told myself over and over again, I hope they are happy, I hope it was worth it, I can move on from this, I'm better than this. Does thinking this way make me perfect? Oh heck no! I'm far from perfect. But... I refuse to waste any of my energy on either one of them. They are NOT worth it. Is that rug sweeping? NO. I now what they did. I see it clear as day. I am not running from it or pretending it didn't happen. I'm simply saying that I had my time to be angry, now it's time to move on. Are you in R with your wandering spouse? If you are then I can understand a little better why it would be hard to let go of the anger towards the other person involved. It's still in your face. Edit: Ok I had to go back and look at your OP. I get it better now. Yes, you need to stop looking at her stuff online and the sooner you do that and the sooner she stops ranting about you on there, the sooner you'll be able to move on from that stage. Oh and by the way... I finally let it rip online. For me, that's what I needed to do. I let her have it on Twitter, where she had steadily been running her mouth about me for months. I think she finally got the hint that what she did wasn't cool, nor was it ok to bash me. She has since stopped running her mouth about me and it helped. I am not bothered by why she has to say anymore. She can run her mouth until she is blue in the face, nothing will change. I'm done focusing my energies on someone who doesn't deserve a moment of my time. You'll get there too. I promise. But you have to WANT it. Edited February 7, 2014 by Raena
whatatangledweb Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Was your d-day less than a year ago? I wanted to do all kinds of things to the OW because of what she said about me. I was just as pissed at my husband. I fantasized almost everything you can think of doing to her. It's a very good thing I never came face to face with her. I thought I saw her in an airport and I felt this overwelming rage come over me. It frightened me. By around 6 months after d-day it died down. When it came close to two years I did't care what happened to her. Some people have flashes of it, some it last months, some years, and some never seem to have it happened at all. In hindsight I can say that it took too much head space , energy, and time, to fantasize . Yet I needed it in order to heal. So do it until it is do longer needed or until it starts to hurt you.
underwater2010 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yep....I wanted to smack her upside her head to knock some sense into her. How dare she throw away a good husband and create any pain in my family. How dare she participate in anyway, shape or form with near destruction of my children's home. And then I got smart and hit her where it would hurt. I exposed her to her BH. And let it rest at that. A year and a half later...she holds no room in my head or heart. She is simply a stranger that had no morals or ethics and became the type of person I will NEVER associate with, nor support. And before the rest of the people jump up, shouting....I felt the exact same way with my FWH. So far he has proven himself to be remorseful and grateful of my forgiveness. And the only reason he got that....was our kids. If not for them I would have left the moment I found out.
Scott Thomas Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Yes, I want to hurt the OM. I've tried to persuade him to meet with me. He is afraid, refuses. We both know I could and would hurt him if we met. Because of the sissy-type legal system we enjoy, I will not touch him without his consent. Not going to accept the legal risk. It is no real consolation, but he is in fear of me. With reason. You're missing the point where you have to be found guilty of assaulting him in a court. Hypothetically, if he gets assaulted by someone while you're in a different city, you'll have a good alibi. I'm not suggesting that this is right, merely pointing out that those who hide behind a legal system while ruining other people's lives often find that the tables do turn at times. 1
Scott Thomas Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You're missing the point where you have to be found guilty of assaulting him in a court. Hypothetically, if he gets assaulted by someone while you're in a different city, you'll have a good alibi. I'm not suggesting that this is right, merely pointing out that those who hide behind a legal system while ruining other people's lives often find that the tables do turn at times. Again, I would urge you to refrain from getting physical. However, I might look the other way if you punctured the man's car tyres when he's late for office in the morning...
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 I'm sorry about my angry response from last night. Thank you for your response. I know you meant well and are correct. I'm just...*sigh* angry, which you are right..is not helping at all. I'm trying to deal with it, but right now he is not helping the situation. He is a work in progress as I am. Thanks again. She is R with her H. Why spend energy on anger. It only revives the negative energy and sparks emotions that have no place in R. I have been there, done that...those emotions if you hold onto them long enough gets you behind bars.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 thank you. I appreciate your thoughtful response. I will think long and hard on it today. Thanks again. I didn't write the post you responded to, but I do have something to say to you. I basically said the exact same thing in my response earlier. Hating the OW/OM is only hurting YOU. It doesn't do anything to them, unless of course you act out your anger and then it will affect you. I know exactly how hard it is. It hasn't been easy for me either. The only conclusion I've come to after going through a few months of pain and anger was that they couldn't hurt me if I didn't let them. I had to let it go. I told myself over and over again, I hope they are happy, I hope it was worth it, I can move on from this, I'm better than this. Does thinking this way make me perfect? Oh heck no! I'm far from perfect. But... I refuse to waste any of my energy on either one of them. They are NOT worth it. Is that rug sweeping? NO. I now what they did. I see it clear as day. I am not running from it or pretending it didn't happen. I'm simply saying that I had my time to be angry, now it's time to move on. Are you in R with your wandering spouse? If you are then I can understand a little better why it would be hard to let go of the anger towards the other person involved. It's still in your face. Edit: Ok I had to go back and look at your OP. I get it better now. Yes, you need to stop looking at her stuff online and the sooner you do that and the sooner she stops ranting about you on there, the sooner you'll be able to move on from that stage. Oh and by the way... I finally let it rip online. For me, that's what I needed to do. I let her have it on Twitter, where she had steadily been running her mouth about me for months. I think she finally got the hint that what she did wasn't cool, nor was it ok to bash me. She has since stopped running her mouth about me and it helped. I am not bothered by why she has to say anymore. She can run her mouth until she is blue in the face, nothing will change. I'm done focusing my energies on someone who doesn't deserve a moment of my time. You'll get there too. I promise. But you have to WANT it.
Tripz Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 What does it say about me that since dday, I have yet to feel anger toward the OM or my soon to be XW? I've even been friendly towards him and asked him to help when she moved out. He was a close friend, so perhaps that has something to do with it? It confuses me though, because the betrayal I feel seems much more severe, knowing who the OM is vs it being some stranger. Even the OM can't believe I'm being this mature about it. My wife even commented once that maybe getting mad would be good. The thing I do feel is crushed by the level of betrayal, but I just can't muster anger. That actually has me very concerned. I've considered therapy for just this issue. Everyone knows I'm a very nice and fair person, but I don't want to be in this case. So to the OP, no....strangely.
Author confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Seven months ago. The level of betrayal is deep and lasted at least two years. My husband is an emotional manipulator and he is continuing that path now. Today I want to harm them both....by sending him to live with her so they can feed off each others disgusting behavior and child-like mentalities. They can have each other for all I'm concerned. Was your d-day less than a year ago? I wanted to do all kinds of things to the OW because of what she said about me. I was just as pissed at my husband. I fantasized almost everything you can think of doing to her. It's a very good thing I never came face to face with her. I thought I saw her in an airport and I felt this overwelming rage come over me. It frightened me. By around 6 months after d-day it died down. When it came close to two years I did't care what happened to her. Some people have flashes of it, some it last months, some years, and some never seem to have it happened at all. In hindsight I can say that it took too much head space , energy, and time, to fantasize . Yet I needed it in order to heal. So do it until it is do longer needed or until it starts to hurt you.
manticore Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 As a rule when an affair is discovered the BS does not want to divorce the WS. This is proved out by that 78% of marriages survive an affair. How can a BS stay married if all they are going to do is hate their WS. There is no motivation for the BS to forgive the AP. People can not see the forest for the trees. Road it seems that you keep spreading lies, even when you and me already had this discussion, I don't know if you try to delude yourself or if you just like to convince people to ronconcile with their WS. I have nothing against BS who reconcile under the right circunstaces for them, but telling everybody that studies prove that 4 of every 5 betrayed spouses reconcile is a lie, and you know it, this make seems as if infidelity is a minor offense and that humans have learned to forgive it, which is a lie, and it also depict thse who don't forgive infidelity as intolerants, which is also a lie. so here is what I answer you the last time you put that fake %: "I don't know where you got your information, but is wrong. most statistics i have read performed by serious organization says the other way around. Acording to suzie Johnson; Co-funder of the marriage wellness institute "less than one-third of marriages survive extramarital affairs." Acording to Associated Press, Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, the Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered is 31% the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago revealed that only 35 percent of the marriages can survive the trauma associated with it. I found the information you are quoting and came from woman who had no studies related to infidelity, she herself have not made the researches and she claims she got to this number by compiling all the information on internet: "Surprisingly, this means that 78 percent of marriages in the USA manage to survive an affair and save their relationships. If you look specifically at physical affairs – The survival percent drops drastically – Just over half of the divorces were initiated because of sexual infidelity." her name is Lisa Penn and is a blog. please confirm your quotes before misinforming people."
Scott Thomas Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Manticore, 1. I believe the phrase is 'you and I', not 'you and me'. 2. I agree with you.
manticore Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 LOL, sorry, english is not really my native language, and there are not pages as useful as TAM or Love shack in my native language
Timmos Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 Would I like to harm him? Anyone read A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones)? Remember Theon Greyjoy? Yeah... that.
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