Did you want to harm the OW/OM?

[confusedandhurt2002]

I want to and she doesn't live anywhere near me anymore. Once a day, at least, lately anyhow, I picture grabbing her by her hair and bouncing her head off the ground several times. I've also imagined punching her square in the face (makes for a great workout when I imagine that) and ripping her stupid long hair out until she cries like a little b.itch. Luckily, this is as far as the imagining goes. I've never imagined killing her, running her over (only once, but I only got as far in my mind as driving toward her ..and..er..her flying over the hood, but she's always OK afterwards), or anything else too violent. still, i'm not proud that she occupies any part of my mind, especially a violent part that didn't use to exist.

 

You can ask why i don't feel this way about WS. I do sometimes, but she methodically went after my husband for four years. Yes, he finally caved and didn't tell her to get lost, but she continually called, emailed, texted, wrote and always seemed to need him to bail her out of some kind of jam. Rightfully I should be just as pissed as him for never telling her to go jump off a bridge. So why would I rather bash her head in right now? Maybe because after Dday, WS started trying to change himself and fix the damage in some way but she, instead, took to social media and started whining about how he wouldn't talk to her and she missed her friend and blah, blah, blah, blah. she started flaunting "I'm fat and beautiful and everyone loves me so kiss my ass, b.itch." It was odd.

 

Some days I want to be really childish and write on my walls, so she can see (because I totally know she's looking too) "you might be all that, but I've got the man you wanted, so who is the awesome b.itch now! Booyah!":laugh: But I'm not that confident and really don't want to draw her out.

 

What bothers me? She has never tried to contact me or cared enough about me as a person to even acknowledge I was a factor. One time on social media she put up that I was looking at her page and she thought that was funny because "as if she cared anything about this person". she said it all without naming me and had obviously looked at my page to know I was pissed at her. Well, thank you...try to steal my husband and she doesn't even have the decency to feel an ounce of guilt. THAT is what really pisses me the hell off.

 

As the months have gone by, though, she's gotten quieter and quieter. Maybe her HUSBAND finally got pissed because he was sick of reading about her love of another man. I know I would have.

 

So, yeah, I feel like I'm in freaking high school and I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I really hope I can move on and not wish some kind of harm on her soon.

[jnel921]

Once you are in R I don't see the necessity to stalk someone's social media or even care about what they say. This is ridiculous.

 

Its seems you should be more concerned as to why your H never completely shut the door on her. That would be an automatic deal breaker to me.

 

While my H has only received one trick phone call from the OW, he has never received prior emails, texts or calls from her and I would expect him to react the way he did when he did. He was upset and called me right away to tell me about it.

 

Why do you expect her to care or acknowledge you? They both didn't when they were in their A.

 

If your H stayed and wanted to work his M out, he should have left that memory behind. Listening and helping her is only reinforcing the OW's belief that your H still wants to be a part of her life.

 

Shutting the OW out completely has been the best thing we ever did. She is non important. We have worked too hard to fix the damage.

 

You need to focus on your M. This anger is not going to help you.

[Fluttershy]

Jnel's reply confused me... But her emailing nd reching out and him

Helping was pre affair right? If not, yikes that is another huge issue.

 

 

I had fleeting thoughts of harming her. And my H but mostly nor physical just emoionaly. I didn't at first because as I was/am

Convinced she is a narc I couldn't have effected her at all.

 

Then she became anon entitity.

 

One thing i never didwas over dwell. That is not healthy to fantasize a while story.

[bubbaganoosh]

Get the thought out of your head because there might come a day when by accident you may see this OW, do something stupid and then you'll be wearing striped jammies sitting in a jail cell. Not worth it.

[dichotomy]

Of course I have thought about harming OM.... scenes fit for a Quentin Tarantino movie.......but mostly thats all fantasy and in the past now....

 

Living well, making a difference, and being loved - is how I get my "revenge"

[painfullyobvious]

Of course I have thought about harming OM.... scenes fit for a Quentin Tarantino movie.......but mostly thats all fantasy and in the past now....

 

Living well, making a difference, and being loved - is how I get my "revenge"

 

 

 

Nothing upset my ex more than seeing me happy without her. Funny how they really didn't care about your feelings when they were cheating but become angry and curious about you when they find out you are happy without them.

 

 

I too thought of the OM but when I thought clearly about it, my ex is the one that made the choice to cheat. I think our first instinct is to go after the OW/OM because we are angry, hurt and disgusted at the WS/WP but we still care for them and do not want to harm them physically. Although I do not advocate violence I understand the notion of wanting to bring a beat down on an affair partner. I had my chance and just screamed and yelled and rolled over a table. No good could really come of smacking an affair partner around. You will probably get charged with assault and a persons anger could take over and really bad things could happen. Let cooler heads prevail and focus on what needs to happen in the relationship.

[experiencethedevine]

I want to and she doesn't live anywhere near me anymore. Once a day, at least, lately anyhow, I picture grabbing her by her hair and bouncing her head off the ground several times. I've also imagined punching her square in the face (makes for a great workout when I imagine that) and ripping her stupid long hair out until she cries like a little b.itch. Luckily, this is as far as the imagining goes. I've never imagined killing her, running her over (only once, but I only got as far in my mind as driving toward her ..and..er..her flying over the hood, but she's always OK afterwards), or anything else too violent. still, i'm not proud that she occupies any part of my mind, especially a violent part that didn't use to exist.

 

You can ask why i don't feel this way about WS. I do sometimes, but she methodically went after my husband for four years. Yes, he finally caved and didn't tell her to get lost, but she continually called, emailed, texted, wrote and always seemed to need him to bail her out of some kind of jam. Rightfully I should be just as pissed as him for never telling her to go jump off a bridge. So why would I rather bash her head in right now? Maybe because after Dday, WS started trying to change himself and fix the damage in some way but she, instead, took to social media and started whining about how he wouldn't talk to her and she missed her friend and blah, blah, blah, blah. she started flaunting "I'm fat and beautiful and everyone loves me so kiss my ass, b.itch." It was odd.

 

Some days I want to be really childish and write on my walls, so she can see (because I totally know she's looking too) "you might be all that, but I've got the man you wanted, so who is the awesome b.itch now! Booyah!":laugh: But I'm not that confident and really don't want to draw her out.

 

What bothers me? She has never tried to contact me or cared enough about me as a person to even acknowledge I was a factor. One time on social media she put up that I was looking at her page and she thought that was funny because "as if she cared anything about this person". she said it all without naming me and had obviously looked at my page to know I was pissed at her. Well, thank you...try to steal my husband and she doesn't even have the decency to feel an ounce of guilt. THAT is what really pisses me the hell off.

 

As the months have gone by, though, she's gotten quieter and quieter. Maybe her HUSBAND finally got pissed because he was sick of reading about her love of another man. I know I would have.

 

So, yeah, I feel like I'm in freaking high school and I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I really hope I can move on and not wish some kind of harm on her soon.

 

 

Please don't feel awful about the way you FEEL now. My goodness, I am reminded of those awful feelings too.

 

 

Unlike yours though, our OW was single, desperate and very insecure.

 

 

Things will get better, and you will eventually view her as a minor irritant. No more.

 

 

We still have the occasional 'peep' in from the psychotic individual my husband chose to have an affair with, but its all a bit of a giggle now frankly.

[experiencethedevine]

Once you are in R I don't see the necessity to stalk someone's social media or even care about what they say. This is ridiculous.

 

Its seems you should be more concerned as to why your H never completely shut the door on her. That would be an automatic deal breaker to me.

 

While my H has only received one trick phone call from the OW, he has never received prior emails, texts or calls from her and I would expect him to react the way he did when he did. He was upset and called me right away to tell me about it.

 

Why do you expect her to care or acknowledge you? They both didn't when they were in their A.

 

If your H stayed and wanted to work his M out, he should have left that memory behind. Listening and helping her is only reinforcing the OW's belief that your H still wants to be a part of her life.

 

Shutting the OW out completely has been the best thing we ever did. She is non important. We have worked too hard to fix the damage.

 

You need to focus on your M. This anger is not going to help you.

 

 

 

 

 

Of course it doesn't help, but I'm sure confused already knows this.

 

 

For goodness sake, the woman is entitled to be angry with whomever and for however long it takes for her to get a handle on it!

 

 

We don't all process things the same way and in the same time.

 

 

She doesn't want to shut her out at this moment, and if she rages and rants but does not risk REAL injury to the other woman, then let her have that to process her intense anger.

 

 

I have clients in both my refuges who have been a darn sight more furious than confused, really, and with a great deal less control!

[Steen719]

I never thought about hurting the OW, physically or emotionally, but one time when my XH walked behind my van, I had a fleeting thought of putting my car in reverse and saying "oops". HA! I didn't, of course, but I am really a non-violent person and this sort of shocked me. I got over it!

[krazikat]

I want to and she doesn't live anywhere near me anymore. Once a day, at least, lately anyhow, I picture grabbing her by her hair and bouncing her head off the ground several times. I've also imagined punching her square in the face (makes for a great workout when I imagine that) and ripping her stupid long hair out until she cries like a little b.itch. Luckily, this is as far as the imagining goes. I've never imagined killing her, running her over (only once, but I only got as far in my mind as driving toward her ..and..er..her flying over the hood, but she's always OK afterwards), or anything else too violent. still, i'm not proud that she occupies any part of my mind, especially a violent part that didn't use to exist.

 

You can ask why i don't feel this way about WS. I do sometimes, but she methodically went after my husband for four years. Yes, he finally caved and didn't tell her to get lost, but she continually called, emailed, texted, wrote and always seemed to need him to bail her out of some kind of jam. Rightfully I should be just as pissed as him for never telling her to go jump off a bridge. So why would I rather bash her head in right now? Maybe because after Dday, WS started trying to change himself and fix the damage in some way but she, instead, took to social media and started whining about how he wouldn't talk to her and she missed her friend and blah, blah, blah, blah. she started flaunting "I'm fat and beautiful and everyone loves me so kiss my ass, b.itch." It was odd.

 

Some days I want to be really childish and write on my walls, so she can see (because I totally know she's looking too) "you might be all that, but I've got the man you wanted, so who is the awesome b.itch now! Booyah!":laugh: But I'm not that confident and really don't want to draw her out.

 

What bothers me? She has never tried to contact me or cared enough about me as a person to even acknowledge I was a factor. One time on social media she put up that I was looking at her page and she thought that was funny because "as if she cared anything about this person". she said it all without naming me and had obviously looked at my page to know I was pissed at her. Well, thank you...try to steal my husband and she doesn't even have the decency to feel an ounce of guilt. THAT is what really pisses me the hell off.

 

As the months have gone by, though, she's gotten quieter and quieter. Maybe her HUSBAND finally got pissed because he was sick of reading about her love of another man. I know I would have.

 

So, yeah, I feel like I'm in freaking high school and I'm angry at myself for feeling this way. I really hope I can move on and not wish some kind of harm on her soon.

 

Yes, I did want to hurt her. It was a very good thing that I did not have any face to face interaction or I could have ended up in jail after beating her ass.

 

I was nearly blinded with anger.

 

This wasn't just because she had an A with my husband. It was because of how she talked to me and what she said. She proved to be disgusting and vile and basically sent me over the edge.

 

My h also got this anger. Well, he had to deal with me face to face, so he experienced much more anger than the ow could even imagine.

[xAkulax]

I don't understand why hate the OM/OW your WS is the one who allow them self's to be in that situation. The OM/OW did not put a gun to there head and say affair or die they made the decision to lie and carry on a secret life behind your back not the POSOM/OW. If there anything you should hate it should be the thinking of your WS.

[BHsigh]

My fantasies about harming the OM generally revolve around reacting to him goading me into it, I would never really just attack him.

 

It did give me great pleasure that as soon as I found out about the affair he went directly to the POSOM cop friend and tried to get a restraining order against me, but he couldn't afford the $40 court fee required to do so, and he lacked any evidence of needing a restraining order against me without admitting that he had an affair.

 

Now I generally hope that he becomes seriously injured and disabled while deployed, I hope he stops a bullet from harming a real man that is serving our country, thus giving himself some worthwhile purpose to life.

[No Limit]

I always fancied this technique they did in the Middle Ages; binding someone to a pole or forcing them into pillories for public humiliation.

The ordinary citizen was then allowed to even physically assault or throw stuff at them, spit on them and goodness knows what someone might have done with them if they had a bad day.

 

It's a psychological punishment with severe social aftereffects. The person lost all its reputation and respectability. People didn't even dare to come near them, fearing they might influence them like a dark spell.

 

Doing this to a person I hate; in mind, sure. But I think not even brutal rape could drive me to demand this punishment for anyone.

Not even branding like "I'm a cheater!" straight across the face, it just leaves a person too exposed to harassment.

[BHsigh]

I don't understand why hate the OM/OW your WS is the one who allow them self's to be in that situation. The OM/OW did not put a gun to there head and say affair or die they made the decision to lie and carry on a secret life behind your back not the POSOM/OW. If there anything you should hate it should be the thinking of your WS.

 

Hmm, I understand this point, but I disagree unless the OM/OW were lied to and honestly believed that the WS was single. It takes two, and the AP is just as guilty, particularly if they were supposedly friends with the BS before the affair. You can argue that the WS would have just found someone else, but that would make someone else just as guilty. Without a willing party an affair would never take place (except of course when the WS convinces the AP that they are single).

 

I honestly think that more states should re-institute the alienation of affection laws to hold AP's responsible for their part in an affair.

 

So yeah, in a nutshell, you should hate the AP, they took a willing part in causing you this pain, and it is highly unfair when they can just walk away like nothing happened while the BS and WS is fighting to put their life back together.

[xAkulax]

True they did take a willing part in causing this pain but they are not the only participant in the affair. If its about placing hate,blame, and anger then both party deserve it equally.

[experiencethedevine]

My fantasies about harming the OM generally revolve around reacting to him goading me into it, I would never really just attack him.

 

It did give me great pleasure that as soon as I found out about the affair he went directly to the POSOM cop friend and tried to get a restraining order against me, but he couldn't afford the $40 court fee required to do so, and he lacked any evidence of needing a restraining order against me without admitting that he had an affair.

 

Now I generally hope that he becomes seriously injured and disabled while deployed, I hope he stops a bullet from harming a real man that is serving our country, thus giving himself some worthwhile purpose to life.

 

 

 

Oh my goodness BH, that really made me laugh! Couldn't afford the money to restrain you!

 

 

Okay, I admit, I've had a glass of wine, sorry but it was funny!

 

 

You have maintained your decorum. Admirable indeed.

[BHsigh]

True they did take a willing part in causing this pain but they are not the only participant in the affair. If its about placing hate,blame, and anger then both party deserve it equally.

 

You are absolutely correct, and I'm not arguing that point at all as I agree with you.

 

But the BS that is reconciling gets to see their spouse everyday, and hopefully they see some ways that the spouse is trying to change and rebuild their marriage, perhaps they have even seen the WS break down and feel really bad for what they did. They see the WS paying for their actions.

 

While many times the AP disappears into the sunset without a single repercussion for their actions, particularly if they are single. It's just highly disjointed to me and it's easy to understand why the BS's mind wanders over to revenge, or fantasizes about harming the AP in any way, after all, to many of us, our lives were destroyed while the AP payed for nothing and can continue on with their life like nothing ever happened.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am sorry you are experiencing such anger but I don't understand why you think she is the only one that pursued him and he caved? I am not going to presume that I know your situation, but I can tell you in my case my xmom pursued me as much as I pursued him. I understand you wanting to tear her apart, but your husband was not forced into this situation.

 

I have been on both sides as I am a BS also - I don't have the desire to rip the xmow apart - in fact I ran into her recently - said hi and moved on. It is possible that she saw an opening when my husband was so upset and heartbroken after my affair and she used that to her advantage - in fact I have a close friend that puts the blame on her solely - but I can't do that - my husband was equally culpable - he made the choice to have an affair.

 

My advice would be to stop looking at her social media. In fact my advice to anyone in these situations is to get off social media completely - it hinders - it doesn't help recovery at all. Your focus should be on your reconciliation if that is what you have chosen. She is not a factor anymore - and if she is you need to find out why.

[Woggle]

No but I did enjoy seeing him run out of my house half naked after I caught him in bed with my ex. I never seen somebody run so fast.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I always fancied this technique they did in the Middle Ages; binding someone to a pole or forcing them into pillories for public humiliation.

The ordinary citizen was then allowed to even physically assault or throw stuff at them, spit on them and goodness knows what someone might have done with them if they had a bad day.

 

It's a psychological punishment with severe social aftereffects. The person lost all its reputation and respectability. People didn't even dare to come near them, fearing they might influence them like a dark spell.

 

Doing this to a person I hate; in mind, sure. But I think not even brutal rape could drive me to demand this punishment for anyone.

Not even branding like "I'm a cheater!" straight across the face, it just leaves a person too exposed to harassment.

 

This pretty much happened to me as our names were read in a worship service publicly - believe me when I tell you this did not help reconciliation or healing - it delayed it. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[road]

I don't understand why hate the OM/OW your WS is the one who allow them self's to be in that situation. The OM/OW did not put a gun to there head and say affair or die they made the decision to lie and carry on a secret life behind your back not the POSOM/OW. If there anything you should hate it should be the thinking of your WS.

 

 

 

 

 

As a rule when an affair is discovered the BS does not want to divorce the WS.

 

 

This is proved out by that 78% of marriages survive an affair.

 

 

How can a BS stay married if all they are going to do is hate their WS.

 

 

There is no motivation for the BS to forgive the AP.

 

 

People can not see the forest for the trees.

[xAkulax]

I merely answer the question based on my personal opinion just like you if you disagree fine I have no problem with that but to insinuate I cant see the forest for the trees is rather rude.

[Raena]

I don't understand why hate the OM/OW your WS is the one who allow them self's to be in that situation. The OM/OW did not put a gun to there head and say affair or die they made the decision to lie and carry on a secret life behind your back not the POSOM/OW. If there anything you should hate it should be the thinking of your WS.

 

I can explain a little bit of this...

 

For me it wasn't about her so much until she MADE it about her. I would have probably reacted in a completely different manner had she not gone out of her way to compare herself to me, to bash me incessantly, to make DARN sure I knew all about her and what they did while they were cheating to be with each other. She went out of her way to rub it in my face. THAT is when I started to hate her. Her actions made me not like her. Period. It wasn't even so much about what went on during their affair. It was her behavior afterwards that really annoyed the crap out of me.

 

Did I expect her to be nice to me? Not really. But she kicked me when I was down and I will never respect her for that. It was childish and immature.

 

As for the OP... well, I have a feeling you will eventually get past those feelings. For me, it has been the idea that I need to forgive her, forget her and move on. If I continue to hate her, then I'm only hurting myself (and my son too if you dig into it). My best friend thinks I'm nuts when I say this considering all this hateful woman did to hurt me. But I say.... I will never really be able to move on and be happy if I continue to hang on to hateful feelings. It isn't easy to do, trust me, but in the end I feel like a better person knowing that I'm not allowing that person to hold any headspace. It will come to you. Just give it time.

 

I'm still working on it myself. It isn't easy.

[yellowmaverick]

I have never had the urge to physically hurt her. However, when she continued to stalk me and my children, even after being warned by our local police department to stop, I outted her as a MOW to everyone. I had warned her that I would do this if she contacted or attempted to contact any of us again....yet, she still chose to do it.

 

While I don't feel the need to see her physically hurt, I don't feel one iota bad for outting her to work colleagues, family, friends, and professionals in her community. It's funny how she said she felt no shame for the affair but then was appalled that everyone knew.

 

Nobody messes with me or my children!!!

[imperfectangel]

I don't understand why hate the OM/OW your WS is the one who allow them self's to be in that situation. The OM/OW did not put a gun to there head and say affair or die they made the decision to lie and carry on a secret life behind your back not the POSOM/OW. If there anything you should hate it should be the thinking of your WS.

 

^ THIS

 

and for the record just b/c you don't think they're in contact doesn't mean they aren't