Does this really work with men?

[Shosh]

I have a crush on one of my closest friends. I've said and done all kinds of things to show him how I feel, but either he does not get the hint or he is not interested.

 

Recently I was at a party, had a bit to drink and when conversation came to relationships I told a room full of strangers about my dilemma. Embarrassing, I know. Anyway, 80% of all men at the party said that I should just kiss him the next time I see him. That will tell him how I feel and his reaction will let me know how he feels about me too.

 

I was a bit shocked and surprised to hear that advice. As a girl, I really don't want to be kissed by a man I am not interested in. And even if I am interested in him, if we have never kissed before I would be taken aback and probably not too happy about it. It might even turn me off. But maybe that is the whole 'Mars-Venus' difference thing.

 

Guys, how would you feel if a woman you were just friends with suddenly kissed you? Would you suggest I do that in order to find out what he feels about me or do you think talking to him about it would be better? And if so, what should I say?

 

Thanks for your advice!

[Grumpybutfun]

How old are you? How long have you been friends? Are you really friends or are you like almost every other girl on this forum who thinks if a guy hangs out with you he is your friend? Has he ever shown any interest in you? Has he talked to you about other girls? Are you introverted and shy? Have you ever had a bf?

This might help with answers,

Grumps

[Shosh]

Hi Grumps,

thanks for taking the time to reply, here are my answers:

 

How old are you?

mid 30ies

 

How long have you been friends?

for over a year

 

Are you really friends or are you like almost every other girl on this forum who thinks if a guy hangs out with you he is your friend?

We really are friends. At least we both say so and he acts like a friend.

 

Has he ever shown any interest in you?

Yes, when we first met. But after two dates we decided to be friends instead. I instigated that conversation because he 'put the moves on me' and I was not comfortable with it. It felt too soon for me.

 

Has he talked to you about other girls?

Sometimes, mostly when I press him about it. He has dated a few girls in the last year. Currently he is single.

 

Are you introverted and shy?

Not really.

 

Have you ever had a bf?

Aww, cute! Yes, many!

[Emilia]

Yes, when we first met. But after two dates we decided to be friends instead. I instigated that conversation because he 'put the moves on me' and I was not comfortable with it. It felt too soon for me.

 

Sometimes, mostly when I press him about it. He has dated a few girls in the last year. Currently he is single.

He is not interested, move on OP.

 

And please don't refer to yourself as a 'girl'. You are a woman, you are in your mid-30s. Please strive to act like it by being more decisive and assertive. Thanks.

[Shosh]

He is not interested, move on OP.

 

And please don't refer to yourself as a 'girl'. You are a woman, you are in your mid-30s. Please strive to act like it by being more decisive and assertive. Thanks.

 

Hey Emilia,

thanks for the reply. English is not my first language. To me 'girl' is simply a different word for 'woman' but if it has negative connotations I will stop using it. Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

If you were still in college, I'd say go ahead & plant one on him. The technique does work on BOYS. It's not a great idea with a 30 year old man. I would pick up the phone call him up & ask him to go on a date with you. If he says yes, then, in private at the end of the night you can make the 1st move for the kiss. If he declines your invitation, you know he's not interested & you can move on.

[Grumpybutfun]

Thank you for answering. In your case, I would say do not kiss him because at your ages things should be more natural and organic. You say he made a move on you in the beginning and you dated and decided not to date. Usually after a guy has had the brush off, he will stop putting any effort into a woman unless he is a desperate fellow or is socially awkward. I apologize for asking you if you have ever had a bf before but from your question,I thought you might be a high school student so I wanted to make sure you had experiences to compare this to.

Stay friends,

Grumps

[BradJacobs]

My friends who have stayed friends with a woman that initially rejected them were all still hoping for their chance one day. The problem is that type of friend never knew how to take things further. Add to it months to years of emasculation and you have a man that has no idea what is an opening for romance and what's just being friendly.

 

You're going to have to take the lead.

 

This bloke may not be like my friends but what harm is there in being direct and taking this where you hope it will lead?

[salparadise]

Grumps asked, has he ever shown any interest in you?

Yes, when we first met. But after two dates we decided to be friends instead. I instigated that conversation because he 'put the moves on me' and I was not comfortable with it. It felt too soon for me.

 

You friendzoned him! He was interested and did exactly what you're wising he would do now and you shut him down. I doubt seriously that he only has friend feelings, but guys aren't typically good at mind reading, and it would be ten times more traumatic for him to make another move now and get shut down than it was the first time.

 

You're the one who created this little standoff (a more accurate description than friendship), and you're the one who needs to take the initiative to put it back on track to a normal male/female attraction-based interaction. The chances of him no longer being interested are pretty close to zero unless you've exhibited some fickle behaviors during the friendship that make him realize that he'd just get burned. Of course, even if that's the case you may be able to overcome it by appealing to his natural instincts.

 

My suggestion would be to set up a situation where it's safe and private (on the couch watching a movie, etc.) and progressively move further into his space. Talk about personal stuff, touch him, hold hands, etc. until he can't possibly mistake it for anything else but your desire to be kissed. If he still doesn't make the move then you do it. If he gets up and tries to escape it still may not be that he doesn't want it to happen. Fear of rejection is the obstacle you have to overcome now, and since he has two years invested rather than ten minutes, you're simply going to have to use whatever force it takes to pull him over that wall that you created. Good luck!

[Shosh]

I would pick up the phone call him up & ask him to go on a date with you. If he says yes, then, in private at the end of the night you can make the 1st move for the kiss. If he declines your invitation, you know he's not interested & you can move on.

 

Here is the thing, I do that all the time! Call him up (or more via email/text, we both prefer that) and say 'Hey, I miss you, do you want to go to dinner?" And his reply will be something like: 'I'd love to. Are you free on Saturday?'

 

Are you saying I need to actually use the word 'date' for him to know I want more than friendship? It feels so awkward, and knowing him he will probably make fun of it. Usually when I say I miss him and can't wait to see him again, he will say something like: 'That's the reaction I have on all women. ' I am not sure if he is actually NOT getting the hint, or he does, but he is trying to defuse the situation with humor since he does not want to make it more than platonic.

[Shosh]

My suggestion would be to set up a situation where it's safe and private (on the couch watching a movie, etc.) and progressively move further into his space. Talk about personal stuff, touch him, hold hands, etc. until he can't possibly mistake it for anything else but your desire to be kissed. If he still doesn't make the move then you do it. If he gets up and tries to escape it still may not be that he doesn't want it to happen. Fear of rejection is the obstacle you have to overcome now, and since he has two years invested rather than ten minutes, you're simply going to have to use whatever force it takes to pull him over that wall that you created. Good luck!

 

Thanks. I am scared of rejection. But I think I will have to do it if only so that I won't have to ask myself 'What if' down the line.

 

But getting back to my original question, you think it would be better to just plant one on him (or get physically close) instead of talking about it? I was thinking about saying something like:

 

'I know we have been friends for a while and I really appreciate your friendship. But my feelings for you have gotten stronger and I want more than that now. If you feel the same, I'd love to go on a proper date with you. If not, that's cool, but maybe let's take a little break, just so that my feelings 'cool down' and things go back to the way they were before.'

 

What do you think?

[somedude81]

Thanks. I am scared of rejection. But I think I will have to do it if only so that I won't have to ask myself 'What if' down the line.

 

But getting back to my original question, you think it would be better to just plant one on him (or get physically close) instead of talking about it? I was thinking about saying something like:

 

'I know we have been friends for a while and I really appreciate your friendship. But my feelings for you have gotten stronger and I want more than that now. If you feel the same, I'd love to go on a proper date with you. If not, that's cool, but maybe let's take a little break, just so that my feelings 'cool down' and things go back to the way they were before.'

 

What do you think?

Way too many words.

 

"Hey Bob, lets go on a date."

 

If he doesn't say yes right away or asks, then tell him that your feelings for him have grown since then.

[ExpatInItaly]

Here is the thing, I do that all the time! Call him up (or more via email/text, we both prefer that) and say 'Hey, I miss you, do you want to go to dinner?" And his reply will be something like: 'I'd love to. Are you free on Saturday?'

 

Are you saying I need to actually use the word 'date' for him to know I want more than friendship? It feels so awkward, and knowing him he will probably make fun of it. Usually when I say I miss him and can't wait to see him again, he will say something like: 'That's the reaction I have on all women. ' I am not sure if he is actually NOT getting the hint, or he does, but he is trying to defuse the situation with humor since he does not want to make it more than platonic.

 

Perhaps I am reading too much into one comment, but that's something I might say if I'm trying to fend off someone's advances. If a guy I were interested in told me he missed me, I'd reply quite differently and more enthusiastically.

 

You say you've dropped other hints - for example?

 

In any case, I think randomly kissing him is really not a good idea. At all.

[BradJacobs]

What do you think?

It's cowardly. It reads like you want all of the rewards with none of the risk.

 

Do as Sal suggests. That's a good plan but it requires courage on your end to execute.

 

Do not do as your friends suggest. The stage needs to be set where there can be no mistake what your intentions are at this point and just planting a kiss on an unexpected recipient could spell disaster.

[ktya]

I have a crush on one of my closest friends. I've said and done all kinds of things to show him how I feel, but either he does not get the hint or he is not interested.

 

Recently I was at a party, had a bit to drink and when conversation came to relationships I told a room full of strangers about my dilemma. Embarrassing, I know. Anyway, 80% of all men at the party said that I should just kiss him the next time I see him. That will tell him how I feel and his reaction will let me know how he feels about me too.

 

I was a bit shocked and surprised to hear that advice. As a girl, I really don't want to be kissed by a man I am not interested in. And even if I am interested in him, if we have never kissed before I would be taken aback and probably not too happy about it. It might even turn me off. But maybe that is the whole 'Mars-Venus' difference thing.

 

Guys, how would you feel if a woman you were just friends with suddenly kissed you? Would you suggest I do that in order to find out what he feels about me or do you think talking to him about it would be better? And if so, what should I say?

 

Thanks for your advice!

 

Yes it would work although might not guarantee the result you want. If you want a relationship with him it might work or he might think "hey this girl is really into me and i can have sex with her".

 

Worth a try though. I had a girl do that to me and i ended up dating her for 2.5 years

[Eau Claire]

You can do a little thing can send a guy wild if he is at all in to you.

 

If he does some little gesture, tell him thank you and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Don't look at him and keep on doing whatever you were doing.

 

He won't be able to resist thinking of you.

[Shosh]

You say you've dropped other hints - for example?

 

Saying things like: I like you, I miss you, I can't wait to see you again, I always smile when I hear from you, you are so funny, using terms of endearment like 'Sweetiepie', 'Handsome', 'Champ', etc.

 

Doing things like: giving him long hugs when we say hello and goodbye, kissing him on the cheek as thank you when he does anything for me (like open a door), constantly touch him, contact him and ask him to hang out every few days, etc.

 

And most of those things I've only started doing in the last few months. He MUST notice that I've changed, doesn't he? Before that most of our get-togethers were initiated by him, there would be no physical contact other than hugs when we say hello and goodbye, and while being nice and friendly I wouldn't call him nicknames or terms of endearment, just by his name.

[Shosh]

If he does some little gesture, tell him thank you and give him a quick kiss on the cheek. Don't look at him and keep on doing whatever you were doing.

 

Hah! I've already started doing that recently!

[carhill]

Guys, how would you feel if a woman you were just friends with suddenly kissed you?

 

Happened more while married than at other times but I never gave it much thought, as it's what friends do. However, when they'd sneak in a little wet wiggly thing amongst the otherwise benign friendly kisses in front of their spouses, I started to wonder a bit. I guess it all depends on the man's natural response to affection and people being in his personal space. If he's normally huggy and kissy with his friends, I wouldn't expect a marked reaction, no matter how he feels. If he's kind of standoffish, it might by upsetting.

 

Does it 'work'? If he's unattached and has a modicum of 'like' for you, it certainly could. We men deal with this stuff every day, as few of us are blessed enough to know all women like us. We have to guess and take risks and be wrong sometimes. Good luck.

[salparadise]

Thanks. I am scared of rejection. But I think I will have to do it if only so that I won't have to ask myself 'What if' down the line.

Yes, exactly. So now that you've decided that he definitely needs to know how you feel it should take some of the pressure off. It's just a matter of how to go about it. Put that fear in a box and set it aside. You seem like an intelligent, confident woman. What's the worst that can happen? Even if he freaks out on the initial advance it's still likely that he'll start feeling it again and come back ready to rock and roll. The only unacceptable outcome is never knowing––the what if.

 

But getting back to my original question, you think it would be better to just plant one on him (or get physically close) instead of talking about it? I was thinking about saying something like:

 

'I know we have been friends for a while and I really appreciate your friendship. But my feelings for you have gotten stronger and I want more than that now. If you feel the same, I'd love to go on a proper date with you. If not, that's cool, but maybe let's take a little break, just so that my feelings 'cool down' and things go back to the way they were before.'

 

What do you think?

 

I think that having that conversation is too cerebral. Make if flow, make him feel you. Personally, I think you save that conversation for after the kiss, when you're all snuggled up and whispering in his ear. I'm a little surprised that he hasn't taken the lead on this given all the things you said you've been doing in the subsequent post. But you've already laid the groundwork and that's good. But getting into his space, cuddling up and so forth is important because what you want is to stimulate his nervous system to the point where he's thinking, "omg, I think she wants me to kiss her - should I risk going for the kiss," just as you're ready to pull him close and lay a wet one on him.

[Shosh]

I'm a little surprised that he hasn't taken the lead on this given all the things you said you've been doing in the subsequent post.

 

Exactly! And that makes me wonder if he just does not see me that way? I mean, the last time we hung out I pretty much said I wanted to see him more and talk to him more often and his reaction was one of surprise and defensiveness, as in 'But we've always just hung out 1-2 times a month and talked every 1-2 weeks, why do you suddenly want to change that?'

 

I've stopped short from saying that I have a crush on him, but I did say that he was one of my favorite people in the world and I love spending time with him and would love to do that more frequently. Since his reaction was not one of 'Yes, I feel the same way!' I initially took it as rejection and figured he was just not that into me. But since then he has already texted me a few times and now I am doubting if I made it really clear to him that I want more than friendship.

 

Gosh this is so frustrating! I just want to know, and I am looking for the best way to make it 100% clear that he knows how I feel. I figured SAYING something was the best bet, but it looks like most men feel that DOING something is the right move here.

[carhill]

One question which comes to my mind after decades of experience with women is when was the last time your closest male friend experienced you clinching with another man and, further, when you have been dating other men, how visible was that to him?

 

This might be irrelevant to your case but reading your postings reminded me of my ongoing 'experiment' and the results of which can be pretty amazing, where a particular woman, for all intents and purposes, *appears* unattached but is in fact anything but, in the case of the experiment, quite married. Sounds dumb, right? Nope. My first affair started that way 30+ years ago. Nice ostensibly single lady with a little girl she doted on. Yep, a lot of flirting; a lot of intimacies. Probably a lot more than you've offered this man you're interested in. That's one potential, and one I've personally seen a lot of in my life.

 

It's hard to know what's in his mind. The reverse is true as well. If you take a risk and 'plant one on him', you may know a bit more. Maybe not. Things go like that sometimes. Part of the risk of intimate relations.

[FitChick]

Since you've already rejected him, I am willing to bet that anything you've said and done up until now is interpreted by him in a negative light, i.e. She doesn't really like me romantically, we are just friends. He doesn't want another humiliating rejection.

 

Next time you are together, talk about that date where you rejected him. Tell him that what you said was true, that you needed time to get to know him better before getting physical. You've since had that time and are attracted to him as more than a friend. However, be prepared to get physical rather quickly after this revelation. For some time afterward you will have to be very reassuring about your affections because he will still be looking for rejection.

 

I had a friend in his thirties who was very shy. He had a crush on a coworker but never did anything about it. She had a crush on him so at the Christmas party she got drunk and gave him a big kiss in front of everyone. YET he still called me afterward to ask, "Do you think she likes me?" I told him yes and he was emboldened to ask her out. They lived together for several years.

 

Some men are clueless.

[salparadise]

Exactly! And that makes me wonder if he just does not see me that way?

You know that he initially saw you in that way... he's probably spent the last two years fantasizing about you. You are underestimating the power of your feminine wiles, and overestimating the ability of a guy to be attracted to a woman one day and not the next. The chances are 99.99% that he's still attracted to you in a sexual way, although it's possible he may have consciously repressed these feelings in order to preserve the friendship––which really means preserve the opportunity for a more opportune time.

 

 

...his reaction was one of surprise and defensiveness, as in 'But we've always just hung out 1-2 times a month and talked every 1-2 weeks, why do you suddenly want to change that?'

And your response: because I'm hot for you - kiss me you fool!

 

I am doubting if I made it really clear to him that I want more than friendship.

It's possible that he has relegated his erotic thoughts of you to the fantasy realm and that after your prior rejection/frendzoneing it just doesn't seem tangible in the here and now. If he's a sensitive guy then double that probability.

 

Gosh this is so frustrating! I just want to know, and I am looking for the best way to make it 100% clear that he knows how I feel. I figured SAYING something was the best bet, but it looks like most men feel that DOING something is the right move here.

 

I think you can do both, but opening him up to the feeling is what you really want to do first. For instance, let's say that he took it kind of hard when you f/z'd him and he had to find a way to deal with it, and accept friendship in hopes of retaining the opportunity for what's happening now (which would probably have been subconscious). He may have played a little switcheroo in his own head and convinced himself that while he found you quite attractive, you were somehow an inappropriate choice for him anyway and that the friend status, which he had no choice but to accept, was actually the best thing that could've happened. Well, if that happened to be the case (it's purely hypothetical), appealing to him rationally, the cognitive channel, is not the odds-on favorite because it would've been an emotionally driven delusion.

 

I'm telling you... put your big-gurl panties on, soften him up awhile, dose him with 6.3 oz of premium tequila, and kiss him like you mean it!

Edited February 2, 2014 by salparadise

[Shosh]

Haha, I like your posts. Thank you all! I am going to put on my big-girl pants and the next time I see him I will make it darn sure he knows how I feel about him.

 

Will keep you posted about any updates!