CalmandCarryOn Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ex broke up with me. Struggling to stay positive and keep moving up. Story: My girlfriend and I were talking for 9 months before deciding to take our relationship to the next level-dating. We're both in college-I'm a junior and she's a sophomore. We started dating in October and everything seemed grand. My girlfriend would be studying abroad in France the next semester, and we talked about how we would overcome/navigate through her being overseas and away in the Spring. I told her that I could wait before we went "official" until she returned from France to see where things were at-but she said would be able to handle it and felt ready to date now. Everything seemed to go great-until France entered the picture. As the semester started to end and France came up more-I started getting weird vibes from her, but would brush them off thinking I was overreacting and wanted to respect her-especially knowing she would be studying abroad, I didn't want to put pressures on her. I did my very best to respect her and show selfless love. She even told me that besides her parents, I had shown her more respect than anyone else in her life. I spent Thanksgiving break with her and her family, and all seemed well. I poured much into her to make her feel special and comfortable, always making sure she didn't feel pressured or stressed. I wanted her to be able to her herself. A week before we left school for Christmas break (this is the beginning of December) we were talking one night and she shared with me that she had "fears and doubts" She said that she worried about leaving for France and being away for so long, she worried about "us" and our "hearts", she didn't know when she would see me again, she was concerned about us being able to "see other people". Early in our relationship we had planned ways to communicate while she was away in France, but now she shared how she wasn't going to communicate as much as she had originally intended to because she wanted to "experience everything in France". The way she explained it was a little foggy, because I read it COMPLETELY WRONG. I thought that it was the end of the semester, she was tired and exhausted, and was emotional with everything hitting her (leaving for France, not seeing friends and family for a semester) and I tried my best to make her not be fearful and addressed any doubts that she had (i.e. how I WOULD see her as SOON as she returned). That night I texted her a bunch of things explaining anything she shared with me and to not be fearful of the future. She thanked me profusely and shared how great I was and how she felt much better after I tried to calm her fears. A couple days later I surprised her with her Christmas presents and in the middle of opening them she said "Now I feel bad". I was confused by this comment. We had a great date that night and then entered into finals. The last day on campus that semester was great-and she acted like everything was great between us. I had to fly out to Arizona for Christmas break and brought my car up to her house later that weekend for her family to look over-as well as get dropped off/picked up from the airport. All seemed perfect. I would get to see her when I returned right before she left for France. When I arrived at her home that night, I received some cold vibes from her, and was feeling a little uneasy by the way she was actin around me (not very reciprocal, didn't seem very excited to see me). She took me to the airport and handed me a letter when she dropped me off. << This was my Christmas gift. The letter was 3 pages of things that she loved about me and what I did in our relationship. She addressed the letter "My dear" and said that she would "terribly" miss me when she was in France and couldn't wait to get back to catch up with me. She ended the letter with "In Love". Along with the letter, she included pictures of us together from the semester. 2 days after I arrived in Arizona-we were texting and she was coming across cold and like it was a hassle to talk to me. Circumstances led me to ask her what was wrong and she said that she "felt unsure about some things". I asked her if it was about us and she replied "Yes.". The next morning she called me and said "I just don't think it's going to work out between us." I was crushed. Her reason for breaking up-she didn't feel like her "silly, crazy" side she had with her girl friends could come out around me. She said she struggled to bring it out. She said "It's not you, it's me-but we can still be friends". We talked on the phone almost an hour. She was very cold in her responses to me. She told me that I didn't do anything wrong, and to "not feel bad because it's not me.". After we broke up I fell into depression. I couldn't understand why in 11 months that was the FIRST time I had heard about her not being able to bring out her "silly" side around me-let alone why she never talked to me about it. I was confused why she put everything she did in the letter, as well as INCLUDE pictures of us together. She shared that she had planned to break up with me when she picked me up from the airport when I returned home-everything was planned and she had led me on like nothing was wrong. I feel so hurt because I poured a lot to make her feel special, and was left like dirt. She broke up a week before Christmas. The rest of break we had NC, but then I had to return home and get my car from her home. It was a horrible day. Her mom drove their car and she was in the passengers seat when they picked me up. After 2.5 weeks of NC-I thought she would want to talk, but no. The ENTIRE drive from the airport to her house, she didn't say a SINGLE WORD to me. Completely ignored. Her mom tried to make some small talk to break the awkwardness, but it didn't help. When I got to her home, I thanked the mom, got my car and left to return to school. 5 minutes down the road back my phone died and I had a 2 hour drive back in bad weather (snow had fallen,very icy roads). I had to GO BACK to her home to charge my phone. It was awkward to say the least. I sat in her kitchen for ALMOST AN HOUR charging my phone, and she was in the kitchen-ignored me the whole time. The only thing she asked was if I "wanted a drink" and if I "had a lot to do when I got back to school". Other than that-straight silence and acting like i wasn't there. It felt like knives being stabbed in me. I can understand if I treated her like crap, was selfish, didn't respect her, but did none. I treated her like a princess and that's what was returned to me. Why would she do this, or act this way? The way she treated the breakup is insane because I know she's better than that. And the way she treated me is a shock - I never would take her to act this way. It's been a month, I'm better-but I'm still struggling with missing her. I fell in love with this girl the past year, and it hurts to feel taken advantage of. Need advice on overcoming-it's hard when I pass her friends at school or certain places where we would spend time together-because I'm flooded with memories. I'm crushed.
d0nnivain Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 She had a vision in her head, probably since she was a little girl of going off to France & having some grand romance with this exotic foreign guy. She never counted on a BF but you just didn't fit into the dream. She's acting so cold because holding in all of her emotions is the only way she could get through breaking up with you so she can have her once in a lifetime French adventure. I think she genuinely cares about you but she cares about this more & wanted to be free to experience everything of her fantasies without being tied to a BF back home. Look at it this way . . . as much as it hurts at least she didn't go to the other side of the world & cheat on you. I don't know what will happen when she comes home. She will have changed. You may not be fully healed, willing or able to forgive her. For now, assume it's over. Take time to heal & grieve. Do something anti-France & cathartic (I'm thinking running over a container of French fries with your car -- visually effective, not expensive & not destructive). I am sorry you are hurting but this really has very little to do with you.
Inviv_girl Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 She had a vision in her head, probably since she was a little girl of going off to France & having some grand romance with this exotic foreign guy. She never counted on a BF but you just didn't fit into the dream. She's acting so cold because holding in all of her emotions is the only way she could get through breaking up with you so she can have her once in a lifetime French adventure. I think she genuinely cares about you but she cares about this more & wanted to be free to experience everything of her fantasies without being tied to a BF back home. Look at it this way . . . as much as it hurts at least she didn't go to the other side of the world & cheat on you. I don't know what will happen when she comes home. She will have changed. You may not be fully healed, willing or able to forgive her. For now, assume it's over. Take time to heal & grieve. Do something anti-France & cathartic (I'm thinking running over a container of French fries with your car -- visually effective, not expensive & not destructive). I am sorry you are hurting but this really has very little to do with you. I agree with this! the bold letter is hilarious but you can try I'm sorry you feel this way, now focus on You and only You. Do anything to make you feel better and indifferent. Go NC and thats the only way for you to heal. I'm sorry but you have to let her go! it's over and let her have the "French" dream and you should also pursue your own dream and living a life without her.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I agree with this! the bold letter is hilarious but you can try I'm sorry you feel this way, now focus on You and only You. Do anything to make you feel better and indifferent. Go NC and thats the only way for you to heal. I'm sorry but you have to let her go! it's over and let her have the "French" dream and you should also pursue your own dream and living a life without her. Definitely laughed at the French fries idea haha I guess my head and mind are conflicted-my mind says exactly what both of you have with moving on, but my heart still cares for her.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I agree with this! the bold letter is hilarious but you can try I'm sorry you feel this way, now focus on You and only You. Do anything to make you feel better and indifferent. Go NC and thats the only way for you to heal. I'm sorry but you have to let her go! it's over and let her have the "French" dream and you should also pursue your own dream and living a life without her. It's also definitely a huge mental battle
Inviv_girl Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Definitely laughed at the French fries idea haha I guess my head and mind are conflicted-my mind says exactly what both of you have with moving on, but my heart still cares for her. Yeh I know, but sorry she doesn't care about you! she cares about herself only. In term of break up, one self only care about their self only thats why they want to break up. Safe your heart, take care of yourself. It hurts when someone we care so much doesnt care about us but it left us no choice but to leave them be!
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Yeh I know, but sorry she doesn't care about you! she cares about herself only. In term of break up, one self only care about their self only thats why they want to break up. Safe your heart, take care of yourself. It hurts when someone we care so much doesnt care about us but it left us no choice but to leave them be! Yeah thanks man. I guess focusing on working out will help
herself Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 It will get easier with time, you will be surprised. Why dont you speak with your college guidance counselor about any opportunities to spend a semester abroad. Maybe you need to think outside the box and have something bigger than an ex to consume your thoughts. I used to meet my ex bestfriend at a coffee shop often & my heart was so brokem when he bailed that I couldnt bear to walk past it. Now after a month NC i go in. Its gonna be ok, let her friends see you smile.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 It will get easier with time, you will be surprised. Why dont you speak with your college guidance counselor about any opportunities to spend a semester abroad. Maybe you need to think outside the box and have something bigger than an ex to consume your thoughts. I used to meet my ex bestfriend at a coffee shop often & my heart was so brokem when he bailed that I couldnt bear to walk past it. Now after a month NC i go in. Its gonna be ok, let her friends see you smile. Hey thanks-it really does help to think about bringing in something bigger than an ex to consume my thoughts. The memories hit like waves, but if I guard myself with bigger thoughts than her, I can break through those waves.
OhThatGirl Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Hey thanks-it really does help to think about bringing in something bigger than an ex to consume my thoughts. The memories hit like waves, but if I guard myself with bigger thoughts than her, I can break through those waves. I know it's painful now and you're struggling with the emotional side when the rational side knows what to do. That being said, you will be just fine. The quote in this post shows that you have great insight and effective coping skills. I wish we could do more for you but it seems like you're doing all the right things. It's just an unfortunate situation. You're both young, in school, both needing to make experiences for the rest of your lives. It's infortunate this is one of those experiences. Just from the basic information you've given I know you'll be just fine eventually. Ride it out, keep on the same track. You got this.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I know it's painful now and you're struggling with the emotional side when the rational side knows what to do. That being said, you will be just fine. The quote in this post shows that you have great insight and effective coping skills. I wish we could do more for you but it seems like you're doing all the right things. It's just an unfortunate situation. You're both young, in school, both needing to make experiences for the rest of your lives. It's infortunate this is one of those experiences. Just from the basic information you've given I know you'll be just fine eventually. Ride it out, keep on the same track. You got this. Thanks. A really good lesson we learned in my psychoanalysis class today was that "Mature love is not possible until you are able to resolve your identity."
David87 Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Thanks. A really good lesson we learned in my psychoanalysis class today was that "Mature love is not possible until you are able to resolve your identity." Of course first of all you should learn to love yourself then others.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Of course first of all you should learn to love yourself then others. Definitely. Do you guys think my ex was going through G.I.G.S.?
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Definitely. Do you guys think my ex was going through G.I.G.S.? or is just psycho??
Scott Thomas Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 (edited) She wants to meet a French guy while she's there, carry out their little sordid romance and them come back to you. By ending the relationship with you, she won't feel guilty. Once she comes back, after her sordid french fling, she'll declare that she needs you again (for the sake of having a boyfriend back home). She'll come running back, say that she had a short relationship with someone in France, realized she loved/ wanted you, and now wants you back. Plays out like this a lot. Unfortunately, you're the 'chummy home-grown boyfriend'; a back-up plan after she's had her fun in France. My advice: you're still in college. Find someone else. If I were you, I would regain my self-esteem, realize that there are millions of girls out there. Enjoy your break and date someone else. Why would you accept a girl who doesn't give a rats-arse for you? Buy and read some PUA books. Move on with your life. Google some articles about this scenario. Don't take her back when she returns. I've been in your shoes, and am trying to save you from getting your heart broken by this lady. Focus on your life! You're the catch here, not her. Cheerio! Edited February 5, 2014 by Scott Thomas 1
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 She wants to meet a French guy while she's there, carry out their little sordid romance and them come back to you. By ending the relationship with you, she won't feel guilty. Once she comes back, after her sordid french fling, she'll declare that she needs you again (for the sake of having a boyfriend back home). She'll come running back, say that she had a short relationship with someone in France, realized she loved/ wanted you, and now wants you back. Plays out like this a lot. Unfortunately, you're the 'chummy home-grown boyfriend'; a back-up plan after she's had her fun in France. My advice: you're still in college. Find someone else. If I were you, I would regain my self-esteem, realize that there are millions of girls out there. Enjoy your break and date someone else. Why would you accept a girl who doesn't give a rats-arse for you? Buy and read some PUA books. Move on with your life. Google some articles about this scenario. Don't take her back when she returns. I've been in your shoes, and am trying to save you from getting your heart broken by this lady. Focus on your life! You're the catch here, not her. Cheerio! Thanks man. Means a lot
bubbaganoosh Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 My advice? Move on. She is. What I don't agree with is her sudden coldness towards you. There was a better way to handle this but IMO she held on and gave you hope to the very end and then left. Not cool at all. I'm sure there are a lot of other girls at school and if it was me, I would look in another direction and let this relationship fizzle out. LDR are hard to keep and sooner or later one of you gets tempted and to go to the "other side" if you know what I mean. Then the lies start and sooner or later you see the change and it only gets worse. Just chalk it up as a relationship that ran it's course and be glad that it didn't get to a point where real damage was caused. If she texts you, keep it short and cut back on the communication and go your own way.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted February 15, 2014 Author Posted February 15, 2014 My advice? Move on. She is. What I don't agree with is her sudden coldness towards you. There was a better way to handle this but IMO she held on and gave you hope to the very end and then left. Not cool at all. I'm sure there are a lot of other girls at school and if it was me, I would look in another direction and let this relationship fizzle out. LDR are hard to keep and sooner or later one of you gets tempted and to go to the "other side" if you know what I mean. Then the lies start and sooner or later you see the change and it only gets worse. Just chalk it up as a relationship that ran it's course and be glad that it didn't get to a point where real damage was caused. If she texts you, keep it short and cut back on the communication and go your own way. Not cool at all indeed. I don't think she'll contact me again so it's now trying to train my mind to not trust in a false hope when she returns. Trying to push on.
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted May 24, 2014 Author Posted May 24, 2014 My advice? Move on. She is. What I don't agree with is her sudden coldness towards you. There was a better way to handle this but IMO she held on and gave you hope to the very end and then left. Not cool at all. I'm sure there are a lot of other girls at school and if it was me, I would look in another direction and let this relationship fizzle out. LDR are hard to keep and sooner or later one of you gets tempted and to go to the "other side" if you know what I mean. Then the lies start and sooner or later you see the change and it only gets worse. Just chalk it up as a relationship that ran it's course and be glad that it didn't get to a point where real damage was caused. If she texts you, keep it short and cut back on the communication and go your own way. Thanks all. Feeling much better a few months later.
I'mOldgreg Posted May 24, 2014 Posted May 24, 2014 (edited) You sound like you suffer from nice guy syndrome, nothing wrong with that, there is an earnestness in your posts that gives that impression, you are the perfect boyfriend, non confrontational, attentive, caring, sometimes that can put girls off, especially when they feel there is more to experience in life, it's not you at all, life is essentially all about experiences, no offence but I think it is a bad idea to be tied down so early in life anyway. She has an image in her head of France, probably from watching Moulin Rouge or any other hollywood film that depicts France as a romantic Mecca, where bronzed Gallic hunks with open shirts sit around sipping Bordeaux while discussing Sartre and Balzac, while they paint another impressionist masterpiece. I've been to France, it's beautiful, but she may be disappointed. She didn't handle herself too well i will agree but it sounds like she was craving excitement, you have to let the bad boy inside you come out slightly, not too much but just enough to keep them interested. You are single now and in college by the sounds of things, be foot loose and fancy free, I know you loved this girl but you will find that again, just enjoy your youth, this could be a blessing in disguise, you can turn it to your advantage. Believe me. Edited May 24, 2014 by I'mOldgreg
Author CalmandCarryOn Posted September 27, 2014 Author Posted September 27, 2014 She wants to meet a French guy while she's there, carry out their little sordid romance and them come back to you. By ending the relationship with you, she won't feel guilty. Once she comes back, after her sordid french fling, she'll declare that she needs you again (for the sake of having a boyfriend back home). She'll come running back, say that she had a short relationship with someone in France, realized she loved/ wanted you, and now wants you back. Plays out like this a lot. Unfortunately, you're the 'chummy home-grown boyfriend'; a back-up plan after she's had her fun in France. My advice: you're still in college. Find someone else. If I were you, I would regain my self-esteem, realize that there are millions of girls out there. Enjoy your break and date someone else. Why would you accept a girl who doesn't give a rats-arse for you? Buy and read some PUA books. Move on with your life. Google some articles about this scenario. Don't take her back when she returns. I've been in your shoes, and am trying to save you from getting your heart broken by this lady. Focus on your life! You're the catch here, not her. Cheerio! Yeah back in a new school semester. Feeling crushed again because of memories popping up.
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