How can I learn to trust her again?

[DreamLost]

Hi, I am in a 7 year relationship which has been all good until last year's Valentine's day. After dinner my gf took me out to the park and told me she has been having an emotional affair with someone I don't know. She also emphasized that there is no physical contact at all. I ended up forgiving her and she also promised that she will not see this person again. But deep down inside I just can't bring myself to trust her like I used to - when she goes out for the evening I'd be wondering who she is seeing and such. She hates it when I ask who she is seeing and we ended up fighting a few times just because of that. I know it is not right to not trust her but I am having problems building up trust...I need help...

[anne1707]

She has to earn that trust by proving to you that she can be trusted. Not telling you who she is seeing goes completely against that. Her not understanding that she needs to be open and transparent with you is not good. Do you suspect she may still be cheating?

[TaraMaiden]

Hi, I am in a 7 year relationship which has been all good until last year's Valentine's day. After dinner my gf took me out to the park and told me she has been having an emotional affair with someone I don't know. She also emphasized that there is no physical contact at all. I ended up forgiving her and she also promised that she will not see this person again. But deep down inside I just can't bring myself to trust her like I used to - when she goes out for the evening I'd be wondering who she is seeing and such. She hates it when I ask who she is seeing and we ended up fighting a few times just because of that. I know it is not right to not trust her but I am having problems building up trust...I need help...

 

The onus is not only on you to trust again - the onus is also on her to earn that trust back.

 

Blame is proportional; she is 100% to blame for her emotional affair.

 

Responsibility for the state of your relationship, is a 50-50 thing:

 

You are both 100% responsible for your 50% of the relationship, and the way your relationship develops and works.

 

Cast your mind back: whether you can pinpoint it or not, I think there MUST have been something which pulled her away from you, to bask in the attention this EA was giving her.

She found something there, which was lacking between you two.

 

If this relationship is to get back on track, you two have to work on the three main supports to any relationship.

 

Trust, Communication and Respect.

 

Trust is obviously dodgy, that's a given; your Communication skills need honing, refining and healing with a Counsellor present, to steer and guide you guys towards a better understanding.

 

Respect:

 

Ask yourself, honestly: Have you lost Respect for her?

It may be risky for me to say this, but when she embarked on this liaison with this other man, she was dis-Respecting you....

 

I would suggest you broach the subject of counselling with her, and tell her - calmly and dispassionately - that you think this EA affected your confidence/Trust, more deeply than you at first thought.

You love her, you want to make this work, but you have to wor through your issues, and you'd welcome some kind of constructive dialogue with a Counsellor to help: Would she agree to this, please?

And see what her response is.

 

if she's at all reluctant, you have a choice:

 

You could attend Individual Counselling, but for my part, that would make me wonder why she would be reticent...Who wouldn't want to make progress towards healing?

Approach her with this idea, and go from there....

[thummper]

You need to know who this other guy is. If she really wants to rebuild your trust, she's going to need to be totally open with you. No secrets. Her being angry with you for asking is a red flag to me. Be careful.

[bubbaganoosh]

IMO, after having a nice Valentines Day romantic dinner she decides to spring this on you is a pretty rotten way to take the wind out of your sails.

 

If she gets pissed when you ask her who she's seeing, then you better sit her butt down and let her know that if she would have conducted herself in a better way and not cheated on you then you wouldn't be asking these questions. I would also let her know that she destroyed the trust in the relationship and it's up to her to earn it back and if she's having too much of a hard time doing that, then maybe she should move on and you can find a trustworthy woman.

 

Put the blame where it belongs and do it in a way that she understands that she has only one person to blame and that's herself.

[janedoe67]

True remorse means complete honesty. And it is not up to you to learn to trust her. It is on her to earn that trust should you decide to continue the relationship.

[xAkulax]

Simplest answer you won't. the trust you had with her before the affair is gone don't look for it. All you can do now is try and build a new sens of trust and make no mistake this may take years or my never develop at all.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Hi, I am in a 7 year relationship which has been all good until last year's Valentine's day. After dinner my gf took me out to the park and told me she has been having an emotional affair with someone I don't know. She also emphasized that there is no physical contact at all. I ended up forgiving her and she also promised that she will not see this person again. But deep down inside I just can't bring myself to trust her like I used to - when she goes out for the evening I'd be wondering who she is seeing and such. She hates it when I ask who she is seeing and we ended up fighting a few times just because of that. I know it is not right to not trust her but I am having problems building up trust...I need help...

 

When YOU go out, do you get upset if she asks you who you are going with and where you are going? It seems like a perfectly normal question to me. Why would there be the need for so much secrecy about where either of you are going or who you are going with?

 

BF

: "I'

m

going out. I should be back around 10."

GF

: "Oh, where are you going?"

BF

: "I'

m

going over to Mike's house to watch the Michigan State game."

GF

: "OK, have fun. Is it just going to be you and Mike?

BF

: "I'

m

not sure. I think Bill might be there, too."

GF

: "OK, tell them I said 'Hi.' Ask them if they want to come over Sunday to watch the Super Bowl."

BF

: "OK, see you later. I love you. Bye."

GF

: "I love you, too. Bye."

 

Does this type of conversation sound abnormal to you? Or do you think it should sound more like this?

 

BF

: "I'

m

going out. I should be back around 10."

GF

: "Oh, where are you going?"

BF

: "Out."

GF

: "Yeah, I know, 'out,' but out where?"

BF

: "Why do you always need to know where I'

m

going? I'

m

going out, OK? Why are you

so

damn controlling? You're like a darn stalker! It's creepy! I know what's wrong with you, why you're

so

controlling and stalkerish! It's from that emotional affair I had last year with that girl whose name I wouldn't tell you. Well, you said you forgave me already. I already told you that all we did was pledge our undying love for each other while we sat in her car, but nothing physical happened. Get over it already. It's none of your damn business where I'

m

going and who I'

m

going with,

so

stop asking!"

GF

: "I'

m

sorry, I know I'

m

too controlling and jealous. I'll never ask you again sweetums, I love you, please forgive me for asking, you know I trust you. I'

m

going to try to get some help somewhere to find out how to fix myself

so

I don't ask these kinds of questions anymore."

BF

: "Whatever. I'll probably be back real late,

so

don't wait up. I might be drinking a little, too,

so

I might not come home if I'

m

too drunk to drive. Bye."

GF

: "I love you. Bye."

 

Do you guys live together? Have kids together? Own a house together? Talk about getting engaged or married?

 

Why did she come clean to you about her emotional affair? But then not tell you who the guy was, how long it was going on, or any other details? Or did she tell you that other stuff?

 

How often does she go out and not tell you who she's going to be with?

 

Listen, there is an undertone to your post that is whispering, "She's a cheater, I'm a doormat." Go read your first post again and tell me if you can feel that vibe running through it. Do you hear it?

[DreamLost]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I have no experience with my partner having emotional affairs with someone and so I didn't know how to deal with it (I am not sure if this is stereotypical but I am sure my reaction will be much stronger if this involves physical contact). I have always had a soft spot for her and so I ended up forgiving her quite quickly. Little did I know the seriousness and the lasting effect that it can have on our relationship.

 

TaraMaiden, you are right about our relationship missing something. I was quite busy (with work and study) during that stretch and she has complained that I had no time for her. That's bad on my part but I didn't really have much choice. And to be honest, I had always portrait her to be an angel and my partner for life, so I was quite hurt when the EA happens. I have also lost some respect for her for doing this instead of letting me know this being a bigger problem than I thought.

 

You need to know who this other guy is. If she really wants to rebuild your trust, she's going to need to be totally open with you. No secrets. Her being angry with you for asking is a red flag to me. Be careful.

 

At that time I was under the impression that even if she tells me who he is it wouldn't do much as I don't know this person. My brain was shot and so I didn't press on her on it. I am not sure how I should bring this up now as this happens and has been put to rest almost a year ago. The trouble I am having now is that we are getting along quite well now and things might take a sharp turn if I am to bring this up again out of nowhere...

 

Do you guys live together? Have kids together? Own a house together? Talk about getting engaged or married?

 

Why did she come clean to you about her emotional affair? But then not tell you who the guy was, how long it was going on, or any other details? Or did she tell you that other stuff?

 

How often does she go out and not tell you who she's going to be with?

 

Listen, there is an undertone to your post that is whispering, "She's a cheater, I'm a doormat." Go read your first post again and tell me if you can feel that vibe running through it. Do you hear it?

 

My problem with long relationships is that I tend to let problems slide because I don't want to jeopardize all the effort I put in for the past 7 years. I was an easy going person and for that I ended up setting some bad precedence (i.e. be yes man) in our relationship. So in other words, I think I have spoiled her pretty badly.

 

We are not married yet but we have bought a house and are about to get married and move in together. She said the reason she told me about this is that she knows she is having a problem and she wants to fix this together. She was quite ambiguous in the details of the EA but back then I took it as her being herself as she is the type of person that avoids conflicts/direct accusation.

 

She goes out once or twice a week and I only know who she is hanging out when she tells me (or maybe through some indirect questions like "how was tea?" and then she might be like "oh tea is great. Me and Melissa had a great chat.")

[BHsigh]

Ok, two things from me;

 

(1) Trust can't be learned, it has to be earned. She has no reason in the world to no tell you who she is going to go out with, and why isn't she inviting you along anyways? After an affair of any kind she needs to be an open book. You should be able to tag along with her anytime that she goes out, whenever you feel like it.

 

(2) Avoiding problems doesn't fix anything, it only causes more problems. Do you continue to drive down the road with a flat tire, or do you get out and change it? The length of your relationship only stresses your need to handle problems head on, and not ignore them until it's too late.

 

The more you let her get away with not being open to you, the easier it will be for her to cheat again if she so chooses.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I have no experience with my partner having emotional affairs with someone and so I didn't know how to deal with it (I am not sure if this is stereotypical but I am sure my reaction will be much stronger if this involves physical contact).

 

I am not sure how I should bring this up now as this happens and has been put to rest almost a year ago. The trouble I am having now is that we are getting along quite well now and things might take a sharp turn if I am to bring this up again out of nowhere...She hates it when I ask who she is seeing and we ended up fighting

 

I was an easy going person and for that I ended up setting some bad precedence (i.e. be yes man) in our relationship. So in other words, I think I have spoiled her pretty badly.

 

She goes out once or twice a week and I only know who she is hanging out when she tells me (or maybe through some indirect questions like "how was tea?" and then she might be like "oh tea is great. Me and Melissa had a great chat.")

 

This is your life, man. Don't be afraid of expressing your feelings with the person you are planning to be with for the rest of your life. Is that the kind of marriage you want - where you can't talk about certain things because "things might take a sharp turn" if you bring up subjects she doesn't like.

 

In my opinion, and maybe you should ask other committed couples, romantically committed partners have no problem telling each other where they are going and who they are going to be with, what time they are going out, and what time they are coming home. All of this is common courtesy, I would tell it to my mom and dad when I lived with them long ago, and I would tell it to my roommates when I shared an apartment with people when I was young, and I certainly always have told my wife, especially if she asked. Has this not been your observation and experience? So why does she have such a problem telling you this basic information?

 

You are afraid of losing her, but she is not afraid of losing you, I guess. She can do and say what she wants, but you have to monitor yourself and not act normal, not ask normal questions, because it might anger her.

 

I think you should fix this before you get married. I think you should have fixed it before you bought a house with her. Sit and talk with her about this situation and work out a solution. And not the type of solution where she says you suppress all of your feelings so she can be happy. If it angers her enough that you brought it up that she would call everything off, then I think that is good to find out now rather than after you have kids to deal with, or a more complicated bunch of assets to divest yourselves of. If she can't take you expressing your honest feelings, then maybe this really wasn't meant to be.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

In my experience, women don't usually want or respect "yes men."

 

Start a thread in the general relationship section and ask and see what kind of replies you get.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You are getting along quite well now - as long as you don't ask her normal questions about who she is with - then you fight.

 

She "goes out for the evening" once or twice a week? Where does she go? For tea? With Melissa? And she gets mad if you ask about it?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

You have entered into a world of vast opinions. Unless you have some real reason to do so, i wouldn't suddenly go back and rewrite the meanong of the past to satisfy the appitite of a jealous monster, or worse, riding on the backs of advice of some pretty jaded BS's.

 

Which of he BS's that gave advice here are pretty jaded? I'd like to know so I can ignore what they say in the future.

[veritas lux mea]

My disclaimer here is all the posters think I'm crazy. Okay Now that you know I am an fWW and crazy here it goes:

 

How exactly do you ask her? Interested or attacking? Really think about it. Because if you ask her with just interested the she is being a biatch. And you can't rebuild trust that way. Trusting vague answers from someone who has poor boundaries is foolish. But if you ask in threatening or sarcastic or rude way you maybe putting her on the defense?

 

Have you asked her to help you regain trust? Have you really communicated how her EA made you feel. And just so you know some people don't thibk EAs are real cheating. Is your wife in this group.

 

So my crazy advice is get talking to her!

[BHsigh]

You have entered into a world of vast opinions. Unless you have some real reason to do so, i wouldn't suddenly go back and rewrite the meanong of the past to satisfy the appitite of a jealous monster, or worse, riding on the backs of advice of some pretty jaded BS's.

 

Two people can easily have some hidden contracts, especially unwed, about what is necessary to say on a daily basis about their social activities. To suddenly read THAT understanding as evidence of deception when you were a willing participant in establishing the space seems to me to be unfair.

 

That said, if you two are going to tie the knot, then maybe working on non threatening and open dialogue would be something to propose some time soon.

 

One way to rebuild some trust is to make a small leap of faith that she has been telling you the truth. You dont seem to be suggesting that she is sneaking around, only that you cannot get passed what happened a long time ago. If you are still struggling with your own demons, well, its going to be hard to see her as she really is!

 

Call me a jealous monster if you want, and I fully accept the jaded BS title, I admit that I am extremely jaded, I can even be crazy at times, just look at my past posts. I can be nuts when I let my emotions overrun me. But when I give advice to someone in pain, I try to be as clinical and unemotional as I can be.

 

But a leap of faith on his part? Wow, she wouldn't tell him who the AP was, she won't tell him where she's going, she gets mad when he even asks.

 

The wayward needs to be the one rebuilding trust, she's the one that broke it. You forcing yourself to trust her is another term for rugsweeping, and it will not do anything to make you more comfortable with her actions.

 

I give her major, major props for admitting the EA to you, that is a great sign when most BS's have to become a sleuth to catch the affair. If she went that far, she can go farther and do her best to make you feel better about what she's doing.

 

(Just be glad that no one's recommending that he GPS track her, that's what I would be doing at this point - disclaimer - OP, try your best to open up her communications with you before resorting to anything like GPS tracking)

[BHsigh]

A leap of faith that it is possible to trust her. And I disagree that the only person who needs to work on trust is her. ONE sided trust building is not nearly as effective as two. In order for me to trust someone, they have to be trustworthy, but the BS ALSO has to be OPEN to trust. This OP is suggesting that he is NOT. If he is NOT ready to be open to her attempts to prove to him, and if he is still treating this relationship as he talks about in his two entries, then she isnt going to be able to meet him in the middle. He has admitted his approach to his relationships is laissez-faire to be generous. He put her on a pedestal without necessarily asking her permission to do that, and then decided that his pedestal of her gave him permission to be emotionally absent. He did not make her decision to have an EA, but he didn't do anything at home, based on his own accounts, to prevent laying down the foundation THROUGH WHICH she made a wrong choice to solve.

 

He didnt actually say she WONT talk about who the EA is, he suggested that back then he didnt pursue it. So we really dont know the details.

 

From what he has said, it sounds like he didnt get the closure he needed, but forgave her the EA, didnt want any concrete details, decided she was authentic in saying she had finished it, and now, a year later, he is revisiting the question. It makes sense, but he is somewhat right in his assessment when he says, that maybe the time to deal with that was back then, and to raise it now might get ugly.

 

But I agree with you and others, he needs to get closure, and if she truly wants a good relationship with him she needs to help him get that closure so that they can both move on.

 

I dont see how GPS, detectives, etc. is going to solve this. He just needs to lay it out better for her to understand. But what do we know? Very little, almost nothing about this man's personal story. Even his OP is vague!

 

You would be correct if she was helping to work on it, since she was the one that broke the trust, she needs to show him that he can begin trying to trust her again. Asking him to trust her without any indication that she is trustworthy is just rugsweeping.

 

I was joking about the GPS at this point, I apologize that I didn't make it more clear. I think that he needs to work on getting her to be open and honest. And actually in his case, I would just skip the GPS period and just leave her if she didn't open up to him and try to work on regaining his trust.

 

She doesn't even bother to lie to him about going out, she just flat out refuses to give him details, that is very bad, she sounds very disconnected to me.

Edited February 3, 2014 by BHsigh

[BHsigh]

And you are correct that after the EA was the best time to work on it, but later is better than never , right?

 

To me, hiding anything, by lying or refusing to answer, is just the opposite of trustworthy, he would be a fool to trust her at all at this point.

 

And the groundwork of her affair has nothing to do with rebuilding trust, either she wants to try or she doesn't. He has no choice on whether to be open enough to accept trusting her when she's not giving.

[BHsigh]

I agree, and in my previous post you will see my real point. I think this partnership handled DDay rather lightly. She apologized, he accepted it, they moved on, it seems no discussion, no boundaries, no attempt to make sure nothing would happen again. And without details, but with his words, it seems like he just went BACK to NORMAL. He actually doesn't say she REFUSES to tell, he suggests that he doesn't ask, but only when he does, they "fight". Again, there isn't much to go there with! This could be a guy who is lazy or a guy desperate to know the truth but its impossible to say.

 

Im not even sure he has told her "look, because of your EA a year ago, I still feel I should know what you are doing when you go out." He's afraid, it appears, to admit to her that its still bothering him. For all we know he may have communicated to her for a year now that he is past it all, and she has no idea about any of this and doesnt even KNOW that trust hasnt been recovered!

 

Good point, it seems that I've focused solely on the part where he says that they fight when he asks about her going out, my mistake there.

 

OP, she does need to be aware of your lack of trust before she can help you rebuild trust. In a perfect world everything would fall into place, but it's not a perfect world. We could hope that after an EA she would jump right into line, but a lot of people still think that EA's are nothing.

 

You need to sit down and talk to her ASAP about what her EA has done to you and how it has destroyed your trust. You need to lay everything on the table and request that she does the same.

[Eau Claire]

You have doubts. You are not feeling secure.

 

The question to ask is...do I feel better than 6 months ago? Will I feel better 6 months from now?

 

Time heals many things but it doesn't heal betrayal for most people. My take on this is you will be in exactly the same emotional state this time next year...things racing through your mind. If you can accept that, then fine. If not, then move on in life.

[Eau Claire]

In fact that is his best solution, to give it time.

Its absolutely false that time doesnt heal betrayal for MOST people. Its the other way around.

 

At some point you will realise that the past is the past and that there is nothing you can do about it. What you CAN do is to change the meaning the infidelity has FOR YOU.

 

If youthought you would never survive such a betrayal well here you are, a year down the road. Where do you WANT to be another year down the road , five years down the road?

 

Just as you WS made her choices to wander, confess, and return, you make yours to forgive, find closure, and recover.

 

Not really. It's best to look in the mirror and fet a reality check. Decide what you are willing to live with or not live with. Time may work for some...not for others. Wouldn't work for me. I wouldn't spend a few years of my life wondering if I could get over a betrayal. Life is short...one shot at it...There are millions of nice people out there and I'd want to free to find one..

[DreamLost]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

...I think you should fix this before you get married. I think you should have fixed it before you bought a house with her. Sit and talk with her about this situation and work out a solution. And not the type of solution where she says you suppress all of your feelings so she can be happy. If it angers her enough that you brought it up that she would call everything off, then I think that is good to find out now rather than after you have kids to deal with, or a more complicated bunch of assets to divest yourselves of. If she can't take you expressing your honest feelings, then maybe this really wasn't meant to be.

 

I kind of thought about that too. At first I thought I'd be okay as time passes; I was thinking what's done is done and back then I didn't have much choice but to forgive and work it out together because I wanted to save the relationship. But you are right (and I know it too) about me 'yielding' too much as I tend to avoid conflicts. What I will do now is to get myself into a new position where I can at least speak my mind without angering her. The change will happen gradually, and I will plan for an occasion where I can bring this up with her. Thanks, Mickey_Fitzpatrick. This is exactly what I need.

 

 

...How exactly do you ask her? Interested or attacking? Really think about it. Because if you ask her with just interested the she is being a biatch. And you can't rebuild trust that way. Trusting vague answers from someone who has poor boundaries is foolish. But if you ask in threatening or sarcastic or rude way you maybe putting her on the defense?

 

Have you asked her to help you regain trust? Have you really communicated how her EA made you feel. And just so you know some people don't thibk EAs are real cheating. Is your wife in this group.

 

So my crazy advice is get talking to her!

 

I am not sure how I will do this yet. But I think telling her how I feel about this EA and its effect on me this past year will be a start. Back then we didn't actually agree on doing anything to regain this trust other than her agreeing not to see that person again. I think a part of my mind was in denial and I forgave her quite quickly because I just wanted things to be back to the way they were. After the EA, I didn't sniff through any of her phone, laptop, emails because I don't think it is right but at the same time I couldn't think of other ways that I could know what's going on without asking her or her friends (which as I've said before would make her mad).

 

So you can say I have basically taken my leap of faith and trusted her since the EA.

 

...He didnt actually say she WONT talk about who the EA is, he suggested that back then he didnt pursue it. So we really dont know the details.

 

From what he has said, it sounds like he didnt get the closure he needed, but forgave her the EA, didnt want any concrete details, decided she was authentic in saying she had finished it, and now, a year later, he is revisiting the question. It makes sense, but he is somewhat right in his assessment when he says, that maybe the time to deal with that was back then, and to raise it now might get ugly.

 

But I agree with you and others, he needs to get closure, and if she truly wants a good relationship with him she needs to help him get that closure so that they can both move on.

 

I dont see how GPS, detectives, etc. is going to solve this. He just needs to lay it out better for her to understand. But what do we know? Very little, almost nothing about this man's personal story. Even his OP is vague!

 

You are very observant. Most of the things you said above were right. I didn't pursue any details on the EA because I was shocked and didn't really know what to do. But now that I thought about it I also think I was too quick to forgive her and ended up not getting the closure I needed so badly.

 

 

I agree, and in my previous post you will see my real point. I think this partnership handled DDay rather lightly. She apologized, he accepted it, they moved on, it seems no discussion, no boundaries, no attempt to make sure nothing would happen again. And without details, but with his words, it seems like he just went BACK to NORMAL. He actually doesn't say she REFUSES to tell, he suggests that he doesn't ask, but only when he does, they "fight". Again, there isn't much to go there with! This could be a guy who is lazy or a guy desperate to know the truth but its impossible to say.

 

Im not even sure he has told her "look, because of your EA a year ago, I still feel I should know what you are doing when you go out." He's afraid, it appears, to admit to her that its still bothering him. For all we know he may have communicated to her for a year now that he is past it all,and she has no idea about any of this and doesnt even KNOW that trust hasnt been recovered!

 

You are right on most of the above. I didn't ask who she sees when she goes out because I didn't want to start any fights. I wasn't sure, as much as I wanted to get it right, what boundaries and rules I need to set after an EA. Should I really tell her that she has to tell me who she is seeing every time she goes out? She doesn't know about the fact that this EA is still bothering me and so I need to bring it somehow so we can put this behind us and move on.

 

A bit more background info about us: The reason I gave her so much room (laissez-faire as you called it) is because when we first dated she told me that she is the type of person that likes to have room - and she was telling me how some of her friends are constantly tracked by their bgs and how that would get on her nerves. I respected that and so for most part I was quite lenient (and I trusted her) when it comes to letting her doing things she like.