Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Wow. After 5 months of analyzing my break up I think I was dating a commitment phobia person for two years. You know when you have an illness or think you do and you look it up online and to your amazement every symptom matches what you read. Well the same was when I found an article on commitment phobia and every sign matched my ex. I'm amazed. Almost felt like crying. Felt I found an answer and am so very tired tonight and like weight has been lifted off my shoulders. One thing that stuck was this had nothing to do with me. Advice given is to let the person go and don't look back. You can't change them. Its sad. These patterns will continue with them. My ex is doing some life coaching so I think she is aware she has a problem. Even though she hurt me very much the lesson is I will learn from it. And be cautious if I ever meet another commitment phobe again. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Oooh... I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but by and large, commitment phobia is a myth. And a whopping excuse. Googling symptoms online always ends in a cancer diagnosis. People who refuse to accept the simple truth - it's just a cough, their ex just wasn't as into them as they thought, stand in the way of their own healing. Sorry. Edited February 2, 2014 by pickflicker 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 All signs were perfectly identifiable to her and how she treated me in our relationship. But yes she wasn't that into me was on the list of signs. I accept that. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 All signs were perfectly identifiable to her and how she treated me in our elationship. But explain what u mean an excuse? She treated you a certain way because quite simply, you let her. If you love someone, you'll be with them. Come hell or high water, you'll make it happen. A phobia of commitment does not exist when you're with the right person. Commitment phobia is code for "I'm not as into you as you are to me." Unless you are completely and utterly traumatised by abuse and stay away from all relationships, you are not a commitment phobe. Your ex dated you for 2 years. She just fell out of love. Stop trying to diagnose cancer, when it's just a cough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Nicely said. I wont disagree with you. But I dated a girl who had relationship issues all her life, broke up with me twice, was indecisive during our whole relationship, never wanted to discuss the future, never could make plans... And broke up with me a day after a wedding. I see your point but there were commitment issues on her end. Doesn't matter anymore anyways. Its over. But if this helps take some weight off my shoulders with me blaming myself then I will believe it. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Nicely said. I wont disagree with you. But I dated a girl who had relationship issues all her life, broke up with me twice, was indecisive during our whole relationship, never wanted to discuss the future, never could make plans... And broke up with me a day after a wedding. I see your point but there were commitment issues on her end. Doesn't matter anymore anyways. Its over. But if this helps take some weight off my shoulders with me blaming myself then I will believe it. There most certainly were commitment issues on her end. "Issues" is the key word. But commitment-phobia suggests (in my opinion) someone who steers clear of all relationships. The same way I steer clear of rollercoasters. I don't ride one occasionally and call it a phobia. I never ride them because they scare the crap out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Commitment phobia by definition at least on the net are men and women who get into relationships but are afraid to seal the deal. Or when things get serious they run for the hills. They still date people and have relationships but in the back of their mind it will end someday. Point being issues or a phobia I knew up front that my ex didnt do well in relationships. Hate to say it she might have been dead honest to me and said I run when things heat up. She also never introduced me to her family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 The video that helped was by Donna Barnes. Go on you tube and search Donna Barnes how to recognize a commitment phobic. Its really helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
pickflicker Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I think you're ex had issues and it definitely wasn't your fault. Had your ex used the term "commitment-phobic" to describe herself, I would have called her out, citing that she simply wasn't into you enough. Anyone who describes themselves as commitment-phobic is in my opinion, making an excuse. In any case, she sounds like she's got way too much baggage and you're better off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 Pick your advice is on par with the donna barnes video. Check it out if you have the chance. Thanks for your advice. My ex did flat out say she had commitment issues. It was my ego trying to change it. Or my it won't happen to me belief. I was wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I think the whole "commitment phobe" thing is a bunch of crap for the most part, at least as a general behavorial pattern. I think it's just a fancy way to rationalize someone not wanting to commit to you. I've seen many people who would be classified as "commitment phobes" be anything but once they met the person that they really clicked with. I really don't buy it for the most part. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Commitment phobia is a real thing. Irrational fears? If someone can be scared of clowns, they can be scared of a relationship that'll last. However, that stuff's rare. Most of the people we label as "commitment phobes" are really: - not that into you - guarded and don't like letting people in - not ready to settle down, feel more comfortable having a "boyfriend/girlfriend" than a "f*ckbuddy" (hey, significant others buy you gifts!) Link to post Share on other sites
Conners Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I agree with the majority of the replies here. EVERYONE and ANYONE would be willing to "commit" when the right person comes along and they are head over heels for them. That is what love is. The reason someone would not commit is that they think something better could potentially come along or they do not truly love you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Never Again Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I agree with the majority of the replies here. EVERYONE and ANYONE would be willing to "commit" when the right person comes along and they are head over heels for them. That is what love is. The reason someone would not commit is that they think something better could potentially come along or they do not truly love you. Ehhhhh. BIG eh. It's a big stretch to say that anyone and everyone would commit to the "right" person. That's a big over-simplification of life and love. Love just isn't enough, and thousands of things end a relationship and stop commitment. Commitment phobia just doesn't happen to be one of those things 99% of the time. Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Love avoidant is as real as love addict Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) I think sometimes we generalize on this board that all relationships fall under the same category. It is possible some men and women are afraid of commitment. Its a simple fact. However, in my situation I do know my ex never truly loved me and was waiting for something else to come along but she did have commitment issues as well. Which is why my ex said she needed a shrink on our break up day because this happened to her several times. Even her friend called her the runaway gf.... Like the runaway bride. But if her perfect soul mate does find her she would marry him but I guarantee when he pops the question its not going to be smooth sailing. Like Donna Barnes said if they truly love you they will return. Mine won't be. Edited February 2, 2014 by Kermit76 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kermit76 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Share Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Also, my ex's sister has lived with her boyfriend for 10 years. She won't marry him. There are commitment issues in the whole family. Married to them means forever and that scares the living daylights out of them. He has proposed many times and she has turned him down. She loves him but doesn't want to marry him. Edited February 2, 2014 by Kermit76 Link to post Share on other sites
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