the hottness Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ive been with my fiancee for 5 years. We dated for 2 years and i asked her to marry me 3 years ago. The plan was to marry last year, but it never happened. Ill get to the meat of the details and then see if anyone can relate or give me advice >Early in our relationship, she has always chatting on messenger with other guys. I became aware to this about 9 months in. I told her it upset me and she said it would stop. >Around the 2 year mark, i went to work but was told i could go home. When i came home she was in bed with another guy. She cried and begged for forgiveness. I forgave her. >We decided after that, we should try an open relationship. She told me that she wasnt the type of person who could be with just one guy. I obliged and our sex life was pretty awesome. We hooked up with other couples and she was honest with me about every communication with other guys. Or atleast i think. I do have very good reason to believe she didnt tell me about a few other guys she fooled around with. >She was getting attention from guys left and right while i was having problems finding girls who wanted to fool around with an attached guy. >2 years into our open relationship test, we hadnt really seen anyone sexually. She flirted with a ton of guys online though. I constantly begged her to give me the details about her conversations but she would change the subject or lie. >One day, I came home from work early and she was blowing some guy in our house. She cried again and i forgave her because of the type of relationship we where in. Even though i never gave her permission to meet with him( a stipulation for our relationship), i forgve her because it is a crazy type of relationship and stuff like that is bound to happen right? >Finally i found my swag and met a bunch of girls in my area(im an introvert but once i warm up people tend to like me). I hit it off with two of them and started hanging out with them. My fiancee got super jealous and called off the open relationship. I had sex with both of the girls several times but she didnt know. >I told her i had to work one day but ended up having sex with one of the girls, she found out and we broke up for a month. We still had sex on occasion though. >We both moved in with her sister after having both been laid off. We made up and then found out she was pregnant. We decided to move to another state for a fresh start. 2 days before the move, i told her about having sex with one of the girls. I didnt come out and say it but i did tell her. So this is what brings us to my current situation. Our baby is now 5 months old(my daughter means everything to me) Right now she is chatting with an ex boyfriend from years ago. My fiancee has always worshipped this guy. He treats her like **** and she comes back for more. She knows i HATE this guy, but for some reason she cant stop talking to him. I have access to her FB page and see her texting him. In the past she has told him lies about me. She told him that i tried to whore her out so she could get a ride home from a firends house. That night he picked her up and they made out in his car...while i was inside watching her son! She also convinced him recently that i beat her. Ive never laid a hand on her. Shes slapped me several times and i just walk away. They are both in an intense online relationship and i just dont know what to do. I love her sooooo much. I love the daughter she gave me and the family we have. I confronted her about her recent relationship with him and all she did was unfriend him, she still chats with him though. she tells him that she doesnt want to marry me and that she loves him. It hurts soooooo much to read her write those lines. I dont know why i force myself to eavesdrop on her texting but i cant help myself. I dont know what to do so i came here hoping that atleast telling someone all this would help me feel better. I left out alot of stuff but i think i covered the major stuff. Sorry it was long but i'm hoping to get some good advice or a new perspective on my relationship. I think it;s still worth saving but i dont think she feels that way. She tells me to my face that she loves me and still wants to marry me but she says the opposite to her ex. Who should i believe, the person telling me she wants to marry me, or the person telling her ex that she doesnt want to marry me?
BetrayedH Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 If you want to marry someone that is serial cheating on you, I think you should just set a date on when you'll divide your assets in the divorce. Then go see a divorce attorney (free consult) on your way home from getting the marriage license. Oh, and you're cheating on her, too. Does this sound like a marriage made in heaven to you? 3
Author the hottness Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 If you want to marry someone that is serial cheating on you, I think you should just set a date on when you'll divide your assets in the divorce. Then go see a divorce attorney (free consult) on your way home from getting the marriage license. Oh, and you're cheating on her, too. Does this sound like a marriage made in heaven to you? Yeah, i get your point, i just still love her so much and dont know if i can give up on us yet. Maybe im a glutton for punishment but i guess i figured if we get all this out of the way now it wont happen again
BetrayedH Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yeah, i get your point, i just still love her so much and dont know if i can give up on us yet. Maybe im a glutton for punishment but i guess i figured if we get all this out of the way now it wont happen again Marriage is incredibly hard and you can't go into it with both of you displaying such a level of dishonesty. Maybe if you're honest then she'll reciprocate but I sure wouldn't count on it. She's doing whatever she wants (you caught her giving a BJ to some dude AFTER you'd forgiven her before) and lying about it (all of which you're accepting) and to top it off, you're returning the favor.
beach Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yeah, i get your point, i just still love her so much and dont know if i can give up on us yet. Maybe im a glutton for punishment but i guess i figured if we get all this out of the way now it wont happen again That's not how it works - this IS how you should always expect it to be if you stay. Please, get a paternity test done. And don't marry her.
BetrayedH Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I would focus on what's best for your daughter: shared custody between two exes that split amicably.
Leelou Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Your girlfriend sounds like she needs to be in control of everything. And everything is played by her rules, her time, to her advantage. She smacks of selfishness and shallowness. She sounds like a person who doesn't know how to love anyone, and constantly is bored with the people she's with. That is very damaging to you. Of course you are going to feel crazily obsessed with her -- she plays the hot/cold, push/pull that drives normal people crazy and makes you bond every more tightly with her. She's no good for you. And since she sleeps with whomever she pleases, how do you know she didn't make that baby with another man? Find out now, before she 'surprises' you with some truth about your daughter in the future, when it suits her, and she blindsides you. By all means go ahead and be with her. For now. But know in your heart that it is NOT a permanent relationship. And definitely not a safe one. 2
Leelou Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Who should i believe, the person telling me she wants to marry me, or the person telling her ex that she doesnt want to marry me? She tells each person the information she thinks will best manipulate him into giving her what she needs. She will suck each man dry to get her ever-empty needs met. When she is done with each one, she will spit him out, and move onto the next. Stay and enjoy her, but know she is incapable of truly loving you. As long as you are serving her needs for now, she will keep you around. When you have lost your novelty, or use, she will move on. Expect this. She may or may not marry you, that has nothing to do with any 'truth' of what she is saying. It's all a matter of convenience for her. If marrying you will give her a leash to keep you down, and in service to her, so you can obey her as your wife, then yeah, sure, she may marry you. I would watch out the things she tells her ex may inflame him to harm you - and he would believe he is the good guy in knocking you off. You might want to set the record straight with him. Or do you want to keep looking over your shoulder at her henchman, coming to dispose of you when she's done with you? 1
Fluttershy Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Marriage doesn't magicaly change a person. It doesn't make problems go away. If you have that expectation it actually makes everything worse. If you really love your daughter and don't doubt she is yours... Don't paternity test. Because if you do and find out she isn't yours it will destroy you. Save it for a later date when you know you will see her as a human being that nothing not even dna will change your feelings. Some May disagree but imo, child support to a child that was concieves randomly during an open marriage is not too of a high price to pay. Your fiance has issues and isn't willing to change. You have issues... Are you willing to change? Perhaps pre marriage counseling will help you clear your head and see how dysfunctional and terrible life this is for you and your daughter. 1
Radu Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Ive been with my fiancee for 5 years. We dated for 2 years and i asked her to marry me 3 years ago. The plan was to marry last year, but it never happened. Ill get to the meat of the details and then see if anyone can relate or give me advice >Early in our relationship, she has always chatting on messenger with other guys. I became aware to this about 9 months in. I told her it upset me and she said it would stop. Red flag. >Around the 2 year mark, i went to work but was told i could go home. When i came home she was in bed with another guy. She cried and begged for forgiveness. I forgave her. This is where you could have changed things. Either as ending your relationship because she failed the tests [you should not have forgiven her so easily], or saving your relationship because she changed her ways. >We decided after that, we should try an open relationship. She told me that she wasnt the type of person who could be with just one guy. I obliged and our sex life was pretty awesome. We hooked up with other couples and she was honest with me about every communication with other guys. Or atleast i think. I do have very good reason to believe she didnt tell me about a few other guys she fooled around with. If it's true, it's cheating. >She was getting attention from guys left and right while i was having problems finding girls who wanted to fool around with an attached guy. >2 years into our open relationship test, we hadnt really seen anyone sexually. She flirted with a ton of guys online though. I constantly begged her to give me the details about her conversations but she would change the subject or lie. Massive red flag. >One day, I came home from work early and she was blowing some guy in our house. She cried again and i forgave her because of the type of relationship we where in. Even though i never gave her permission to meet with him( a stipulation for our relationship), i forgve her because it is a crazy type of relationship and stuff like that is bound to happen right? WRONG Ppl in this lifestyle try their best so that feelings are not hurt, so what is practiced is actually full disclosure; what you wrote above, is pretty much complete and utter proof she is incapable of being faithful in any type of relationship. >Finally i found my swag and met a bunch of girls in my area(im an introvert but once i warm up people tend to like me). I hit it off with two of them and started hanging out with them. My fiancee got super jealous and called off the open relationship. I had sex with both of the girls several times but she didnt know. And this is why she's incapable ... she is not looking for an open relationship. She is looking for an open relationship for her, with you providing the backup male at home. She is looking to be a hotwife, which most of the time implies the husband is a weak cuckold. >I told her i had to work one day but ended up having sex with one of the girls, she found out and we broke up for a month. We still had sex on occasion though. >We both moved in with her sister after having both been laid off. We made up and then found out she was pregnant. We decided to move to another state for a fresh start. 2 days before the move, i told her about having sex with one of the girls. I didnt come out and say it but i did tell her. You told her for your own reasons, i suspect you wanted her to end it [as you felt incapable of ending it on your own]. So this is what brings us to my current situation. Our baby is now 5 months old(my daughter means everything to me) Right now she is chatting with an ex boyfriend from years ago. My fiancee has always worshipped this guy. He treats her like **** and she comes back for more. She knows i HATE this guy, but for some reason she cant stop talking to him. I have access to her FB page and see her texting him. In the past she has told him lies about me. She told him that i tried to whore her out so she could get a ride home from a firends house. That night he picked her up and they made out in his car...while i was inside watching her son! She also convinced him recently that i beat her. Ive never laid a hand on her. Shes slapped me several times and i just walk away. They are both in an intense online relationship and i just dont know what to do. I love her sooooo much. I love the daughter she gave me and the family we have. I confronted her about her recent relationship with him and all she did was unfriend him, she still chats with him though. she tells him that she doesnt want to marry me and that she loves him. It hurts soooooo much to read her write those lines. I dont know why i force myself to eavesdrop on her texting but i cant help myself. I dont know what to do so i came here hoping that atleast telling someone all this would help me feel better. I left out alot of stuff but i think i covered the major stuff. Sorry it was long but i'm hoping to get some good advice or a new perspective on my relationship. I think it;s still worth saving but i dont think she feels that way. She tells me to my face that she loves me and still wants to marry me but she says the opposite to her ex. Who should i believe, the person telling me she wants to marry me, or the person telling her ex that she doesnt want to marry me? See a lawyer, get paternity test done. Know your rights, make your baby the center of your life. Don't go cheap on the lawyer, you'll need it.
Trep Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I know it's probably a touchy subject, but are you sure you're daughter is actually you're daughter? You could be fathering her ex's baby :/
Author the hottness Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Thanks for the responses so far. Didn't really like to hear a lot of what was said, but that doesn't make it any less true :/ As far as paternity goes, im 98% she is my daughter. I had considered a paternity test before the baby was born, because my fiancee was chatting with her ex(same ex shes talking to now) around the time the child was conceived. Im fairly sure she slept with him but she told me pretty convincingly she hadnt. I could just be paranoid. That being said, just looking at my daughter makes me think she is mine. Her ex has black hair and i have brown with a slight hint of red. My dad has red hair and so does my nephews. My daughter has red hair as well. My daughter also looks like i did and my nephews did as a baby. People tell me she looks like me all the time. All that being said, she could have been fathered by another, i just think that maybe ignorance is bliss on this issue. I dont know what i would do if she wasnt mine.
veggirl Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Dude your relationship is beyond repair and your "fiance" has no respect for you because you let her do whatever the f*ck she wants. What is wrong with you....have some self respect!! Ugh so sad a baby was brought into this sh*tstorm. 1
thummper Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 With all you've said, I guess my question to you is, WHY is she still your fiancé? Drop this toxic babe and move on with your life! 1
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 - you've caught her in the act of cheating in your own home multiple times. Wanna make any guesses how many other times have she hasn't been caught? - she has admitted to your face that she can not be monogamous....and then backed it up with actions. - continued to lie, cheat and deceive you even though she had permission to be with other people via an open relationship. - was jealous and tried to restrict your activities with other people. - has sworn her love for another man and has told him she does not want to marry you. Please tell me which ONE of these things is not a perfectly valid reason to break this off and move on. Pick just one of these things and tell me why it is not justification to leave her and we'll throw that one out and discuss the other reasons. This is actually a self-esteem and self-image issue on your part. This is actually a personal dysfunction on your end. There is something about you that is making you accept this abusive and exploitive situation and allowing you to be used and manipulated and exploited by her. Something inside of you is telling you that this is your one chance at love and that you will never be able to love again and there for you must accept all her abuse and psycho behavior and find a way to endure it because if you lose her you will never again find love. You need to seek some kind of professional help to help you find what part of you makes you even for moment think that this is acceptable. You need to fix yourself so that you are able to save your own hide and save your daughter by both of you getting away from this psycho-hose-beast. 3
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 ...and one more thing, this IS the way she is and this is a glimpse into how your life is going to be with her. This IS the reality. What you are seeing and experiencing is how it is. This is not a fluke. This is not her having a bad day. This is not her reacting to a one-time event. This is her character and this is her persona. She is not going to change and there is nothing in the world across all time and space that you can do or say that is going to change anything about her or changer her thoughts, feelings, actions or behaviors in any way shape or form. All you can do is fix yourself and address your own dysfunctions so you can get away from her and live a healthy and happy life without her. 1
theothersully Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 At least all of this was evident before you were married! Run!!!!!! 1
lolablue17 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 What is love? Love is the will an ability to put your beloved before yourself. (at least sometimes) You agree to give up a lot for her, you are willing to give up your ego, your serenity , you agree to take a lot for her, so she will be happy even though it's on your account BUT she is not doing anything for you. she thinks only of herself. She lies, she constantly cheats, this one time you could be happy too with those 2 girls, - she gets jealous and breakup with you. your love to her is one-sided love!
road Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 The hotness, hell no the hot mess. You are bad at writing fiction. Even if this mess was true you have to be nuts to marry a girl that has been banging every OM that she can. You only know the tip of the iceberg, if this story is true. Dollars to doughnuts that child of yours. Well your are not the father. DNA test time. 1
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 and yes, definitely get a paternity test ASAP. It's important to get it done ASAP. Some courts don't care who the bio father is. If you marry the mother and raise the kid as your's, many courts will stick you with the child support after the divorce even if later paternity tests show the child is not yours. ...and make no mistakes, you WILL be getting a divorce if you marry her. Get the paternity test Monday and you may stand a chance of not having to support some other man's afternooner for the next 18 years.
thummper Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Hotness, didn't you also post this thread on the Talk About Marriage site? Some guys over there are starting to label the whole story as a "troll." I hope it isn't, and I hope, if this is indeed a serious thread, that you'll take the advice of some of the very experienced people here.
Fluttershy Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Get the paternity test Monday and you may stand a chance of not having to support some other man's afternooner for the next 18 years. Good god what a terribly cold and greedy statement. Te op stated he loves the child and would rather not know. So let him be. He was sexually active with his wife. He enabled a messed up situation. If he wants to love and raise a child who may not be his by bad luck then leave him be. Calling a living breathing human being an afternooner or by blow or anythin else is cruel and archaic. OP don't let the ego, greed (all aboit child support) and callius words of other men shame you into doing someting you don't want to do. If you love your child and what the child to be yours he, she will be. And the fact that at a young age there is a Resemblance is good. i'd say build a case, splurge on a good lawer if you can and get the custodial custody. As i said and others this marriage is a toxic enviroment and needs to end. 1
Author the hottness Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Hotness, didn't you also post this thread on the Talk About Marriage site? Some guys over there are starting to label the whole story as a "troll." I hope it isn't, and I hope, if this is indeed a serious thread, that you'll take the advice of some of the very experienced people here. Yeah, i posted this on Talk About Marriage site, under the same screen name. Its the same original post, i just cut and paste. Im not trying to troll. Everything ive said was true :/ ive had the feeling i should break it off for a while but i havent gone through with it. I just cant bring myself to leave her. Maybe i have issues with co-dependency. Im not real sure why i posted my story, a part of me wanted to see how other people view whats going on and another part just wanted to get it off my chest. I dont talk to many people so ive kept this all to myself and i couldnt do it anymore. Ive gotten pretty much the same responses on both boards. To answer the numerous people saying i should get a DNA test...no, i cant do that. Id rather just spend my whole life assuming the baby is mine. 1
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