First heartbreak worst?

[guest572]

My first boyfriend broke up with me after a 9 month relationship as he was not falling in love with me. We had a very good relationship filled with perfect "romantic" moments, or so I thought. Was he just kidding himself and trying to force it? He said he really liked me and wanted badly to make it work but didn't develop any feelings for me. Is it normal for someone to take so long to realise they are not in love? He had had concerns for a few months but kept trying, I was unaware of this so it was a shock.

 

Before breaking up with me he tried to blame me for why it wasn't working by saying I am unhappy with my life/career (had a tough year, didn't get much sympathy from him!) and don't have exciting hobbies/interests or charity work. He has known who I am from day 1 but suddenly it is as though he is too good for me. Why would the dumper blame the dumpee for the relationship failing? Is he too insecure to look at himself, arrogance? How do I stop blaming myself? His words have really damaged me as I now feel like I am not good enough in general.

 

I love him and really don't want it to be over. It's so unfair that overnight we go from a wonderful relationship to never seeing each other again. I struggled a lot to accept it but I am getting there after 3 weeks to absorb the shock. The hard part is taking my mind off him, when he appears in my dreams and is there in my mind as soon as I wake up. Every morning when my eyes open I just feel dread as though I am learning what has happened all over again and feel like I am back at square 1. I'm then left feeling depressed and lonely all day. Will this ever pass? Will I ever get over my first love? The thought of either of us moving on makes me feel nausea and panic.

 

I am here for some reassurance and support and people to talk to, I guess I am interested to hear other people's take on it. I have done a lot of reading which has helped me understand as I have never experienced this all before. But I am just feeling so alone. Please help me!

 

P.S. Sorry, I tried to keep it short.

[pickflicker]

Almost certainly. And the first one probably won't hurt the worst. I'm assuming you're younger than 25, if anything, age will provide a resilience that you'll wish you could recapture as you get older.

 

It gets harder, I'm afraid. Then it gets easier again.

[ayudorama]

Why would the dumper blame the dumpee for the relationship failing? Is he too insecure to look at himself, arrogance? How do I stop blaming myself? His words have really damaged me as I now feel like I am not good enough in general.

 

I love him and really don't want it to be over. It's so unfair that overnight we go from a wonderful relationship to never seeing each other again. I struggled a lot to accept it but I am getting there after 3 weeks to absorb the shock. The hard part is taking my mind off him, when he appears in my dreams and is there in my mind as soon as I wake up. Every morning when my eyes open I just feel dread as though I am learning what has happened all over again and feel like I am back at square 1. I'm then left feeling depressed and lonely all day. Will this ever pass? Will I ever get over my first love? The thought of either of us moving on makes me feel nausea and panic.

Hello there kindred spirit (: I can relate to most of what you said, especially the bold bits because I went through it 10 months ago. Although our circumstances are different, the pain is the same. At the end of everything, I find it sad that there had to be blame-shifting and finger-pointing. It hurts, more so to be blamed for the demise of the relationship when really, both sides are equally contributing to the falling out. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. It's cruel, heartbreak is.

 

I'll be honest with you. Ten months after our separation, his words still remain fresh in my mind. I used to shed tears every time these accusations came to mind. Now I rarely cry whenever a random conversation/accusation pops up in my head, the mean things he said to me. Of course there are weak moments, still. Like when I'm speaking to my Lord about the residual (still intense) feelings of sadness in my heart, and I just.. cry it out. These relapses are few and far in between now after some time has passed. I no longer blame myself, or him for what happened, I have no resentment or hatred for him or myself, and I have accepted whole-heartedly that we're just not meant for each other. However, the pain is still there. Arguably muted, but definitely still there. Quiet, dormant, but at times it comes to the surface.

 

Again, everyone heals differently. But I'm just sharing with you my road to recovery from a bad break-up, having no experience whatsoever, having to deal with these undulating emotions. Like you, he's my first. I loved him deeply (still do, minus the 'deeply' bit now after what has happened and some time has passed, but I know I will always love him). But I may be much older than you. I'm 28.

 

To perhaps attempt to answer those questions you had, the dumper blames the dumpee to alleviate some of his guilt. To reinforce his decision to leave. The case of my ex, I would also factor in his male ego and pride. How do you stop blaming yourself? With time, friend, you need to realise that it is not you. This is not about you. Sure, you need to take responsibility for the bits of the relationship where you stuffed up. We all mess up, we're human. But that's where it stops. Learn from these mistakes and look past the self-blame. There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome, because he walked away. He gave up. He didn't want to expend anymore energy to work on the problems. He made a decision to have a life without you in it. It hurts, but it's the truth we must accept in order to move on.

 

You also need to knock him off his pedestal. Realize that he too is flawed. He too made mistakes. He's not perfect. And he too had a share in the failure of the relationship.

 

About the mornings.. trust me on this one, I went through something very similar to this. It went on for at least a month or two. Mornings were a big deal for my ex and I. There were daily rituals we had grown accustomed to, like breakfasts and good morning calls and text messages. Every morning when I wake up I'd feel this unceasing need to vomit my guts out. Could even feel panic attacks each time I thought about how I've lost him and could never again talk to him. Ugh, I still remember how all of it felt like. Thankfully no more now after so much time has passed. It was horrible.

 

Will this ever past? Yes, yes it will. I'm speaking with much certainty because I saw how I healed throughout this ten months. Given more time, this too shall pass. I'm not near fully healed yet, but I've never been a believer in achieving 'complete acceptance'. One doesn't forget such a scarring life event. It becomes a part of you. This pain moulded my character, made me more resilient, both emotionally and mentally. It became part of who I am. Will you ever get over your first love? This, I cannot answer. I have seen countless of LS members saying how they have found love again, and I'm truly happy for them. There is always a possibility. I'm not averse to the idea completely, but I know for a fact that it is in my personality to love someone unequivocally. And that means that although I have high walls, once I let someone in, he's there to stay, for life. It differs from person to person. I have accepted that he's moved on, and will, at some point, be seeing someone new. Honestly, I feel that small sharp pain in my heart whenever I think of it. But not so much as before. If we're not meant to be, then we're not meant to be you know? I firmly believe that what's meant for me will not suddenly land into someone else's lap.

 

It's nice that you're reading about how to deal with things post-break up. I was equally lost like you, but I found LoveShack to be such a welcomed relief. The people here have such kind hearts.

 

Do hang in there yeah? And talk to me if there's anything.

 

/massive, squishy hugs.

[OhThatGirl]

Of course it will pass. The first time is usually the hardest.. I think.

 

Why? Because you don't know it will pass. You don't know you will heal up from this, take the lessons with you, and go on to have another happy fulfilling relationship that is (in all likelihood) even better than this one.

 

Without knowing this for yourself, and having experienced it firsthand, it's incredibly hard.

 

Don't let him blame you for not living up to his standards as being the reason he didn't have feelings. If you look on this message board you'll see that the people we have feelings for don't usually look great for us on paper. Meeting criteria doesn't equal falling in love. It's not because you don't do enough charity work. Trust me.

 

It doesn't mean he was faking it the entire relationship or that he didn't care deeply for you. The moments you had were legitimate. He had real feelings to keep it going for 9 months and to create those memories. But.. It just didn't work out. It's not what he needs for the long run. That's fair.

 

Doesn't sound fair BUT it is.. Because it gives you the chance to find someone who feels that you're everything and more. Someone that needs you for the long run.

 

You probably don't want to hear that you will be happy with someone else. You may think you'll only be happy in the relationship that is gone. It's a rookie mistake. Your feelings are real. The pain is real. Feeling you've lost the best thing in your life is not. Thinking you'll never feel like that again.. Not real.

 

Take this time to care for yourself. Do what other posters have recommended and look at your role in why it didn't work out. We always have some responsibility, but it's never "our fault".. How can you be better from this? You said you had a bad year with work.. Did you expect him to make you happy? To compensate for other areas you were not happy/fulfilled? Looking at these possibilities, determining what things you can do to make yourself happy as an individual will leave you a better person.. One that you might not have become if the relationship were to continue.

 

You'll get through this. Stay busy. Do things that make you feel great about yourself. Struggle towards something you want to achieve and get it.

 

You sound like you're coping well though you may not feel it. Just stick with it. It gets better.. Much much much better.

[bubblesbursted]

Hi there

 

I cant really give you great advice as I myself am new to this heartbreak thing. First heartbreak-ex dumped me a week back-blamed me. Similar story as yours. But I can tell you one thing , the thing I learnt here and been telling myself : A man who truly cared/loved/respected you wont have done this, wont have blamed you after dumping you. He would have been kinder. Trust me, you are better off him.

 

I know its hard, I know. I understand but let yourself mourn its just a phase of grieving. It will get better (from what I have read here). Its okay to miss him. And I know mornings are hard, missing those "good morning" texts and calls from him, makes me sick to my stomach. But then I realize, he didnt deserve me. I know its very hard but it will get better.

 

And about first heartbreak. I myself would like to know if we will get over it or not.

[guest572]

I'm assuming you're younger than 25, if anything, age will provide a resilience that you'll wish you could recapture as you get older.

 

It gets harder, I'm afraid. Then it gets easier again.

 

Thanks for your response. As long as it gets easier again, I am happy with that, it gives me some hope! I'm a bit over 25, it took me a while to find anyone and I guess I worry that because of that reason I will never find anyone else.

 

It hurts, more so to be blamed for the demise of the relationship when really, both sides are equally contributing to the falling out. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. It's cruel, heartbreak is.

 

Thanks so much for your comments and support. It means a lot and helps to hear from someone in a similar situation, we are about the same age too. It's amazing how people seem to go through the same emotions and stages. Although he tried to blame me, I am certain that I did nothing wrong, at least nothing worth breaking up over. He just didn't love me and that alone is enough pain to deal with than thinking that I have caused the breakup and "if only I did things differently..." it hurts to be criticised by someone you love, trust and respect. Whether he was angry or scrambling for excuses, the words came from somewhere and he must mean them.

 

A man who truly cared/loved/respected you wont have done this, wont have blamed you after dumping you. He would have been kinder. Trust me, you are better off him.

 

Hi bubbles, thanks for your message. I had been following your thread the past week too and it helps to chat with someone who is going through the same things. I still like to believe that he cares and respects me and that he is that kind, genuine person. But part of him must really feel that way. Our relationship was really healthy and we never had any issues so I keep thinking "why did he end it?" because he doesn't love me.. so "why did he date me for so long?" ugh!

[Conners]

I can relate to your pain. I am going through my first heartbreak too and I really hope that the first is the worst because I don't know if I can go through this again.

 

I was technically the dumper but my ex chose drugs rather than to be with me. So he made the decision for us to break up really.

 

I hope you feel better soon, we just need time to heal.

[guest572]

I can relate to your pain. I am going through my first heartbreak too and I really hope that the first is the worst because I don't know if I can go through this again.

 

I was technically the dumper but my ex chose drugs rather than to be with me. So he made the decision for us to break up really.

 

I hope you feel better soon, we just need time to heal.

 

Thank you, I hope you feel better soon too. I was doing ok but tonight has been tough and I finally gave in and made contact. I don't want a reply from him, I don't know what I am doing, I'm not coping at all and wish I was dead as dramatic and immature as it sounds.

[redbaron005]

I don't want a reply from him, I don't know what I am doing, I'm not coping at all and wish I was dead as dramatic and immature as it sounds.

 

Hang in there brightnight - you want yourself alive to experience life's beauty! I'm 27, and going through my first heartbreak so can relate a bit. Not sure I can provide advice - just encouragement. I'll be honest, its been one of the hardest things I've ever experienced however I've learned so much.

 

I seriously doubt he didn't have any feelings for you. I bet he is just trying to make it easier on himself to break up with you and probably jointly even easier on you (I've been there). As a guy, I can tell you that if he does still have feelings he needs space and time to reconcile them. Respect his decision and you will come out looking better in his eyes and feeling more confident in yourself for being able to do so.

 

If you love him, this love should be unconditional, which means that you want him to be happy, with or without you. I keep reminding myself of this, in the mornings after the dreams especially. If you do not feel this way its selfishness/addiction getting in the way, and that is not love.

[happykat]

I'm sorry op, I know it sucks.. only time will heal.. and you WILL heal..

something that has helped me move on is to delete ALL messages, emails, so you don't obsess over them. And just try to stay busy, focus on other things.

[guest572]

Because you don't know it will pass. You don't know you will heal up from this, take the lessons with you, and go on to have another happy fulfilling relationship that is (in all likelihood) even better than this one.

 

I'm so sorry, I didn't see your post yesterday! Thanks for your kind words and suggestions. I hear what you are saying, it is hard because I can't imagine getting better and moving on but you are probably right because most people seem to.

 

Do what other posters have recommended and look at your role in why it didn't work out.

 

I guess my conclusion is neither of us really had a role in it not working out, it just didn't. We had a very healthy relationship but I felt sparks that weren't there. Unless I am not getting the whole story and there was some other reason for it not working. But I really can't see any reason and from what he told me, he couldn't either. I guess speculating over that just causes more pain.

[guest572]

Its hard to focus on anything, i cant stop analysing it and although I have been provided with explanations I still don't understand or accept that it has happened. Cant eat, cant sleep, cant focus at work. Yes I want him to be happy and tried to be mature about it but he has hurt me so badly and I am angry, I wish I hated him believe me.

[EuTuBrute]

Sorry to be the black sheep here but I lost my first love 10 months ago after a 2.5 year relationship. You can say it gets easier but it really doesn't. You just have to learn to live with the pain.

[redbaron005]

Its hard to focus on anything, i cant stop analysing it and although I have been provided with explanations I still don't understand or accept that it has happened. Cant eat, cant sleep, cant focus at work. Yes I want him to be happy and tried to be mature about it but he has hurt me so badly and I am angry, I wish I hated him believe me.

 

You are being mature about it. I wish I had your resolve. Right now you do not need to understand or fully accept the situation. Being angry is a healthy, normal reaction. He has tried to soften the blow, and I think that's admirable. Leave him alone to figure things out and even regret his decision. I originally was the male dumper and came back when she started to ignore me - although the tables got turned instantly, she had someone new and dumped me (I would not recommend this, take time to heal).

 

Keep in mind that you are awesome - why do you think he "kept trying." Even though you may be hurting inside, portray indifference - it's clearly his loss and he will/should know it (without you telling him). Believe in yourself. Eat light food - some soup and crackers. Go buy stress relaxing teas and chamomile tea for the nights. Stay busy at work, take on some of those more boring, monotonous tasks everyone has been putting off. Don't go on social media. Really, don't. If your work provides counseling, take advantage (I did), its not a sign of weakness, its a sign of strength. Which, from the tone of your posts, you have plenty of.

[ayudorama]

Its hard to focus on anything, i cant stop analysing it and although I have been provided with explanations I still don't understand or accept that it has happened. Cant eat, cant sleep, cant focus at work. Yes I want him to be happy and tried to be mature about it but he has hurt me so badly and I am angry, I wish I hated him believe me.

 

Feelings, emotions - they belong outside the realm of rationalisation. We'll fail horribly when we attempt to rationalise the irrational. The brain just cannot comprehend. Which is why the brain and the heart is in constant conflict after a separation. Emotions are strange. People fall in and out of love just like that. Sometimes without rhyme or reason.

 

Even now I don't know if my ex loved me (at the point of separation). He never said it once even when I told him during our separation that I will always love him but I accept and respect his decision to walk away. Perhaps I'll ask God one day when I leave this world decades later.

 

Sorry to be the black sheep here but I lost my first love 10 months ago after a 2.5 year relationship. You can say it gets easier but it really doesn't. You just have to learn to live with the pain.

This. The pain becomes somewhat dormant, but it's just waiting to bubble over the surface. Maybe this is just characteristic of the ten-month mark. I'm experiencing this as well.

[guest572]

Leave him alone to figure things out and even regret his decision. I originally was the male dumper and came back when she started to ignore me

 

Keep in mind that you are awesome - why do you think he "kept trying." Even though you may be hurting inside, portray indifference - it's clearly his loss and he will/should know it

 

He ain't coming back, I know it, so I don't think it matters what he thinks of me. He doesn't love me, it doesn't get much worse than that. Thanks for your tips on recovering and kind words. I will take it all on board.

 

Sorry to be the black sheep here but I lost my first love 10 months ago after a 2.5 year relationship. You can say it gets easier but it really doesn't. You just have to learn to live with the pain.

 

I really hope you are wrong..

 

Feelings, emotions - they belong outside the realm of rationalisation.

 

It is so, so very confusing! Just when I think I understand and accept everything, I go straight back to square 1. The dread and anxiety come back.. What on earth just happened? Why? Is this real?

[ayudorama]

It is so, so very confusing! Just when I think I understand and accept everything, I go straight back to square 1. The dread and anxiety come back.. What on earth just happened? Why? Is this real?

I know! But it's okay. At some point you'll stop wondering. You just give up trying to make sense of the confusion.

[echo123]

Hang in there brightnight - you want yourself alive to experience life's beauty! I'm 27, and going through my first heartbreak so can relate a bit. Not sure I can provide advice - just encouragement. I'll be honest, its been one of the hardest things I've ever experienced however I've learned so much.

 

I seriously doubt he didn't have any feelings for you. I bet he is just trying to make it easier on himself to break up with you and probably jointly even easier on you (I've been there). As a guy, I can tell you that if he does still have feelings he needs space and time to reconcile them. Respect his decision and you will come out looking better in his eyes and feeling more confident in yourself for being able to do so.

 

If you love him, this love should be unconditional, which means that you want him to be happy, with or without you. I keep reminding myself of this, in the mornings after the dreams especially. If you do not feel this way its selfishness/addiction getting in the way, and that is not love.

 

I totally agree with this.

I'm 33 and my first relationship ended four months ago. It was so much pain and I don't know if I will find someone like him in my life but I tried to heal. Stay NC is helpful. Working out is helpful. Work as well.

What I learned from the breakup is to blame him is not helpful at all; thanking him for the nice things happening in the relationship, forgiving and moving on.

Wish you getting better soon.

[mirage12]

I went through the loss of my first love when I was 22, 4 years ago. Everything you've all been describing, I went through. I sank into a deep, deep hole that I didn't want to come out of. I thought there would never be anyone else like her. My confidence was crushed. I dreamt about her for months and thought about her every day, and each time it felt like the most horrible pain I had ever felt.

 

But it gets better. Eventually, you'll heal. You'll learn to live life like you did before them. You'll learn what it feels like to love and to lose, and I think that's a very valuable lesson because it will likely happen many more times, with other people. It took me more than a year and a half to fully get over my first love. But I did, and I was a better person afterwards. I learned from my experience. I dated new women, and I didn't make the same mistakes I did with my first. I went through a particularly hard BU 3 months ago with my most recent ex. We split because life/career got in the way, not because we didn't love each other, and that was particularly hard for me to accept because I felt it was out of my control.

 

I struggled with this most recent breakup for weeks. And then one day, I was on my iPhoto library. I came to an old album - a birthday album of pictures I took when I came out to CA to visit my first love and her parents during her birthday. It was one of the last great memories/times we had before things fell apart and I hadn't looked at the album in years.

 

I flipped through the pictures...but I didn't cry. I didn't feel sad or upset, but I actually smiled and thought back on the memory. It didn't hurt anymore...that birthday week is now just a fond memory that is a part of me and my past. That realization, that I could look at this album without it hurting, helped me accept my current BU.

 

People will say on this forum that all things heal with time. They do. The pain from the first one was the worst for me. I've never felt anything so terrible. But it gets better and so will you. And there will be many other, beautiful people who you'll come across after him or her, and they'll become part of your story too. Hang in there.

[guest572]

I totally agree with this.

I'm 33 and my first relationship ended four months ago. It was so much pain and I don't know if I will find someone like him in my life but I tried to heal. Stay NC is helpful. Working out is helpful. Work as well.

What I learned from the breakup is to blame him is not helpful at all; thanking him for the nice things happening in the relationship, forgiving and moving on.

Wish you getting better soon.

 

That sounds like good advice. At first it was as though I didnt want to do anything and didnt want to take my mind off things but I am ready now.

 

I tried to be mature and accepting and not blame or hold on to anger but go through weak moments where I want to contact him and show my emotions and how he has hurt me.. Which is unfair and a waste as he already knows that.

 

Thanks for your kind wishes.

[guest572]

But it gets better and so will you. And there will be many other, beautiful people who you'll come across after him or her, and they'll become part of your story too. Hang in there.

 

Thank you! I appreciate hearing your story and your words of encouragement. I hope I can look back and enjoy wonderful memories without that searing pain some day.

[Keii]

Everyday is another day! Another day full of possibilities, carpe diem the crap out of it!

 

I was like that too, every morning and night I thought of him and felt so drained and upset that he wasn't part of my life anymore. But then after a while, I did a lot of self reflection, and understood that I needed to be responsible for my own happiness. Life is so short, and each day I spend crying is a day where I could have done something else. I started to focus on the things I've always wanted to do, and made up a list of goals that I want to achieve this year.

 

I also did this 8 questions for success exercise, and it really helped me focus my energies into becoming a better, more improved me.

 

Time heals all, and remember, this too shall pass. If you ever need support, please come here! I'm here for you

[guest572]

Thank you! That is very inspiring and uplifting

[guest572]

Its been 2 months now since the breakup and i feel worse than ever. At the time I started this thread I was feeling ups and downs but now I am feeling depressed all the time. I still cant believe he is gone.

 

It feels like it has just happened and I think of him all the time. No contact for a few weeks but that hasn't made any difference whatsoever. I still really want to contact him and wish he would contact me. I still have hope that he will come back but I am certain he wont as he stated that and also because he never loved me anyway. It feels like he doesn't care at all, and he likely doesnt. He got over me long ago. I still have many questions. I am crying all the time.

 

Seeing a counsellor this week, hope it helps. I dont know..

[iDrumKing]

Its been 2 months now since the breakup and i feel worse than ever. At the time I started this thread I was feeling ups and downs but now I am feeling depressed all the time. I still cant believe he is gone.

 

It feels like it has just happened and I think of him all the time. No contact for a few weeks but that hasn't made any difference whatsoever. I still really want to contact him and wish he would contact me. I still have hope that he will come back but I am certain he wont as he stated that and also because he never loved me anyway. It feels like he doesn't care at all, and he likely doesnt. He got over me long ago. I still have many questions. I am crying all the time.

 

Seeing a counsellor this week, hope it helps. I dont know..

 

I know it sucks. I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. You're a couple of weeks ahead of me in terms of NC. If both you and I if were given a second chances in our relationships, we could make it the best relationship ever. But we have to face that it's over.

 

The pain sucks. It's hard for me to even write this because my gf left me when I need her most. She was my go to person. My support system. Hang in there. We can get through this.