Unhappy with current relationship, missing an ex from long ago.

[SillySilly]

For context, my current girlfriend and I have been together about 7 months. We met on a dating site, and we each entered the relationship in a particularly trying time: one of her parents passed away, and I was on the rebound of a short but intense relationship with a girl who had recently lost a family member to suicide, and who had ultimately moved away to escape everything and left me quite lonely.

 

The "ex" mentioned in the title of the thread is a different girl, my first long-term relationship which lasted for about a year. I loved her very much, but we broke up because of some grass-is-greener-syndrome problems on my part. We broke up almost three years ago now, and only have contact when we are at gatherings of mutual friends. I came to deeply regret the breakup, naturally, after I learned that the grass is not greener. We are friendly, but not friends. I'm pretty sure she is seeing someone, so that door is closed.

 

I remember how I felt in the beginning months of my relationship with her (my ex). It was my first love (though I had been in relationships before) and I had never felt so strongly about anyone in my life. It actually came as quite a surprise to me, I didn't know that I could connect to someone so well. She was extraordinarily kind and warm, and very empathetic. Life started to make sense, and I felt like her very happy outlook on life was a good counterbalance for my occasional pessimism and depression.

 

I know that, in some sense, it's impossible to feel that level of intensity in the same way again. But in my current relationship, I don't (and I never have) felt anything even close to that. So I'm wondering, is this normal? Should I want to be with someone I feel more passionately about, or is that unrealistic? Am I just looking at it all rosy because it's now in the past? True, passion fades, but shouldn't there be some amount of passion spurring on the dedication?

 

So that's one issue with my current relationship. A lack of passion on my part and confusion as to whether that's normal, and what that means.

 

Another issue is that we are in different places in our lives. We're both in our late 20s, but she managed to get through college and graduate school as quickly as possible and has a job that she really enjoys and finds fulfilling. She just bought an apartment and is thinking of settling down. Meanwhile, I am preparing to apply for graduate programs, but I won't be starting graduate school for almost two years. In the meantime I am working a minimum wage job that gives me enough time to work on my portfolio for my applications. Moral of the story: I'm working towards something better, but still very unsatisfied with my life and very uncertain of where it will be going. Many of the graduate schools I'm applying to will require me to move.

 

A third issue is that I have been feeling quite depressed and anxious lately, and it is hard for me to tell whether it is my depression that is causing me to see things so bleakly, or whether my relationship troubles are causing my depression and anxiety. It has been three times now that I've had a dream where I got back together with my ex and woke up either crying or almost there. I've felt like that before, but not for a while, so it seems to have just come out of the blue.

 

A fourth and final issue is that I feel like the seed of the relationship was not planted on fertile emotional ground. I was pretty unhappy when we met, dealing as I was with such loneliness (and a few other poor circumstances besides). I feel like I didn't take the time to fully heal from the short-but-intense relationship I described in the first paragraph.

 

She and I have actually already talked about all of this. She was very hurt to hear much of it but was glad that I was honest about it. The relationship is in crisis right now. I have asked her for space, but she was hurt by my asking, and I feel she doesn't fully understand my need for space and what I'm going through; and she is very afraid of losing me. Part of me really wants to be single, celibate and on my own, to take time and really work through these things without having to worry about how my depression is affecting others, and to be free to grow in whatever direction I need to grow in order to become more happy and whole. Part of me is afraid of regretting this breakup, much like I regretted my previous breakup. Part of me wants to save her from the pain of breaking up, and myself from the guilt of having caused that pain.

 

Apart from these issues, we do have a lot in common, and our values are quite similar. And she's very dedicated to me, and wants to work everything out. And we used to have a lot of fun together, especially at first. But more recently, these anxieties have been underlying all of my time with her. It doesn't feel very good.

 

I'm hoping that this community's wisdom can bring me some perspective. I'm very confused, and I feel very guilty about it all. I'd appreciate any help in sorting this all out!

[CarrieT]

I remember how I felt in the beginning months of my relationship with her (my ex).

You know what? You are mourning that euphoria of the first blush of love - what we call the honeymoon period - and neither that nor those endorphins of your first relationship ever, EVER last.

 

You are romanticizing what that was all like and that is what you are missing. Not the Ex herself, but those fantasized feelings that only occur in the burgeoning of the first love.

 

And guess what: It is not really and can't ever be reclaimed - partly because you are romanticizing it. Don't ever try to get it back, because you won't. Just file it away as a lovely memory and move forward.

[SillySilly]

You know what? You are mourning that euphoria of the first blush of love - what we call the honeymoon period - and neither that nor those endorphins of your first relationship ever, EVER last.

 

You are romanticizing what that was all like and that is what you are missing. Not the Ex herself, but those fantasized feelings that only occur in the burgeoning of the first love.

 

And guess what: It is not really and can't ever be reclaimed - partly because you are romanticizing it. Don't ever try to get it back, because you won't. Just file it away as a lovely memory and move forward.

Thanks for the perspective That would definitely explain the dreams I've been having, and one of the issues I'm facing. Any advice (or links) for how to move forward from this?

[Musing]

Hey Silly,

 

Carrie is right...the euphoric feeling in the relationship always fades. They come and go but typically do not last with anyone. Kind of sucks, but usually when people opt to dip out, they feel there is nothing much to the relationship and would want incentive (i.e. the "honeymoon period") to stay.

It's fun and all but the real legwork is just beginning.

 

Honestly though, my ex was having wishy washy feelings of wanting to be single too. And I've had those myself.

If you're wanting that, or are having those feelings, in my experience they are only going to get more intense. A part of you simply is in a different stage of your life and you want to focus on you. I was just dumped because my ex no longer wanted to focus on the relationship. And I've dumped others for the same reason. It happens...but unless you suppress it, that little voice could get louder.

 

If I were in your shoes, I'd cut it off and work on myself. I say this as a dumpee. I'd hate if my ex was still with me, having thoughts like that. Right now is a time for you to as yourself what you want and what you have to do to achieve it.

 

As for your ex, well...if you're just now getting these feelings, it could just be for nostalgia's sake. I wouldn't act on anything unless you're single. From what you're saying, it seems like all of the underlying issues in your relationship are exacerbating these rose-tinted memories and feelings you have for your ex (who has now changed probably) so I wouldn't look into it with her.

Also you could be feeling anxious and depressed from being in your RS. It seems you have a lot on your plate and are trying to work at the RS...which does take time, work and energy. I know my last one was making me anxious because I wanted to be the best I could be for him..but I was so worried about the relationship that nothing substantial could get done. my focus was shot. And this made me depressed. So in some ways, it's a welcome relief for me.

 

I know you say you don't want to regret this break up and want to save her pain, but how would you feel if she was the one feeling all of this? Sometimes it's best to walk away before things get worse, then there is always a chance for reconciliation or friendship.

That's what happened in my situation...things were bound to get worse because he was starting to have doubts, was confused, wanted to be single or maybe explore around etc...and I felt those vibes from him and worried all the time.

If you are starting to count issues in your relationship at 7 months in, it's like a ticking timebomb.

Edited February 2, 2014 by Musing

[SillySilly]

As for your ex, well...if you're just now getting these feelings, it could just be for nostalgia's sake. I wouldn't act on anything unless you're single.

 

Oh, trust me, I wouldn't dream of it! That would be really messed up to my current gf, and I'd never do that. I decided to write my ex a "letter" in my journal that I will never send, just to help me sort out my feelings. But I know that, even if I were single, that door is more or less closed for good--I think it would be unhealthy for me to act on it or foster the attachment/desire.

 

Thanks for the perspective here. I think that's definitely what's going on here--current problems are making me cling to a memory/fantasy of what was.

 

Also you could be feeling anxious and depressed from being in your RS.

Sorry, I'm a total newbie here, what does RS stand for?

 

And in response to your whole post, thank you so very much for a compassionate and experienced response. The situation is still very unpleasant but you have been very helpful. I'm planning on spending most of the day in meditation tomorrow, to try to reach a calm enough place that I can really think about what I want and need at this point in my life

[Musing]

No problem SillySilly! Helping others is also helping me cope and move on with my situation. It is not pleasant at all but knowing others are going through it, or are on the opposite side of the coin is always nice especially to get a new take on things.

 

And RS is just shorthand for relationship

 

Meditation sounds just right, it is good to clear your mind and get some inner perspective without the presence of noisy thoughts.

[SillySilly]

I spent a long time thinking it over, and I came to the conclusion that it was best to end it. I ended it today. She was very angry with me, and basically told me to F off and never come back. She was obviously in a lot of pain, so I am trying not to take her words to heart. I'm hoping that she will forgive me someday. I feel guilty, but I know that the pain was inevitable one way or the other. I will miss her even though we can't be together.

 

When I look at my dating history, I see very few gaps. I need to learn to be comfortable on my own. I need to make more friends, and learn to connect with people better. I spend too much time alone. I want to join a meditation group. I want to start exercising again. I want to develop some self-discipline. I need to learn to love for real.

 

I decided not to contact my ex. I set myself a six-month goal: no dating, no hookups, nothing. Ideally, I won't start dating anyone until I leave for grad school and/or I'm more ready to love and commit. I can't keep breaking people's hearts, for their sake or for mine.

 

I came to terms with what these feelings about my ex meant. I forget that when I broke up with her, I had my reasons. I can't keep putting myself down because of what happened three years ago. This is a different situation.

 

Part of the reason I was so happy then, in my first real relationship, was that I was continually ready to forgive and overlook, to work things out. I had just spent about a year being single and working on myself, and I was able to share my happiness with her, and she shared hers with me. I feel as though I've lost touch with that part of myself. But as the saying goes: "If you lose something, it is hidden nearby. If you find something, it was there all along."