alexierose Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Hey everyone! I am brand new to this board...so maybe I better give some info about myself. I am 23 and have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. He is also 23. I went the college route, graduated and have a great job. He went the "other route"...if you want to call it that, tried college, never went, wasted some money and now has a decent paying job with crappy hours and no benefits. We talk about the "m" word all of the time. Let me rephrase that, we used to. Now even the mention of the word is met with argumentative tones and a quick shut-off. It is like he has a switch. Anyways, there were many times during our relationship when it seemed to me that his buddies and the bar were a little more important than me. I do realize that I can be a bit "consuming" at times, and I don't want it to sound like he doesn't get his space. There were many nights in college (when I was in, not him) that he wouldn't call, call wasted, not answer, etc. Or we would go out with friends and they would ask me why I had been working last Friday (I am a teacher...we don't usually work at night!!!! Especially not a weekend!). Truth being, I wasn't working and he just didn't invite me. He said he was out with the guys, but their girlfriends happened to show up. This hasn't happened in a long time, like probably 2 years. Just this week, we joined a gym together. It cost a pretty chunk of change and our goal is to get fit by summer for a vacation together (first one ever). He said he was going to get healthy, stop drinking beer, etc. He doesn't drink very often...I don't want to make him sound like a drunk. (This point will make sense in a seck). Ok, so tonight I am sick. I am losing my voice, he knows this. He called me after work and said, "What are we doing tonight?" Like he wanted a set plan. I told him that I didn't know, it was only 5pm and I had a headache because of this whole voice/sinus deal. After 7 years, plans with him really aren't the first thing on my mind on a Friday when I have dealt with 50 10 year olds all day. I haven't really seen him this week and I really wanted to spend some time with him. He knew this. He tells me that he really doesn't want to do anything, that he is tired. I say ok, that is fine, I don't really feel good. So, he calls me an hour later and asks if I want to go to the bar. Gee, let me see, sinus/throat, ummmm a smoky bar is not the top of my list. I tell him no, let's think of something a little more sinus friendly He blows up and says that he is going to the bar and if I want to go, then I can meet him there. He then says the kicker, "I didn't think we were doing anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yeah, probably since we agreed that neither of us felt like going out. I immediately flip into my mode, like when he used to do this all the time in college mode. The let me dick my girlfriend for the buds mode. The let me blame my girlfriend to make me feel better about the crappy choice I am making mode. I FREAKED!!!!! Crying, cussing, telling him to shut up. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO mad!!!!!!! This hasn't happened forever. I hang up on him. So about 20 minutes later I cool off and call him back. He is already at the gas station pumping gas. Now this is huge....normally after work he HAS to take a shower, eat,etc. There has been many times he can't make family functions at 7:30pm, because of this ritual (he gets off at 7). So tonight, he can magically get ready in 20 AND already be pumping gas!!!!!!!!! He tells me that he doesn't know how much more of this he can take. Where in the hell does that come from. No "drama" has happened in a long time. I guess really I am just venting. I am sick of being 23, living at home, I am in a limbo. I want SOOOOOOO bad to be married. I honestly think things might be easier, not saying better, but easier. We both live at home...there are issues with that. I work 45 minutes from my house and I am afraid to move. I know he hates highway driving...GOD I feel like I am making excuses up. OK, enough from me, if you have anything to say about any of this psycho babble * I really am a great person* then reply. Otherwise, its going to be ok. I really just needed to type this. I am in the pissed stage now and can't wait for him to call me back "later" , as he said before he hung up on me the last time, because I am not answering!!!!!!!!!!
Groovy Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 Hi, sorry to hear what happened. Try to ask him why he got so upset you didn't want to go to the bar, because I am sure he is upset about more than that. But try to ask him in a way that won't be demanding or confrontational. Understand you started dating was a long time ago. People change over time and you may no longer be compatible. But maybe you are and just need to work out problems. And although you really want to be married, please do not stay with the wrong person. I am 32 and I wish I was married. When I turned 29 I hooked up in a relationship with someone who was not a nice person to me. I realized I put up with it because I didn't want to be alone. I promised myself to never do that again. Two men have proposed but maybe I am just demanding a lot, I felt they were not responsible enough for children or a husband. While you want marraige is he someone who can share responsibilities if you have kids or a home to take care of? And the fact is, most men aren't ready for marraige until they are in their late 20's. So the fact you are 24 and want to be married, don't get your heart set on feeling too hopeless with issues on him.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 15, 2005 Posted January 15, 2005 In my opinion there is a LOT going on here - I think it is way more than the symptoms you describe above. You need to ask yourself if the two of you are in the same place. You went to college, he didn't - it sounds like he resents this. Can he get over it? This can be enormously trying on a man's ego - it won't get any better unless you both deal with it openly and honestly. Additionally college is a tremendous growth experience, did he grow with you? Have the two of you grown apart because of your different experiences? If I were you I would not be in such a rush to get married, until you find the right person. The reasons you listed above, wanting to move out of your parents' house, etc are not reasons to get married. Please spend some time thinking about what you want in 5, 10 and 20 years - does he represent it? Can you truly see yourself building a life with this man and achieving these goals? Only you can answer these questions - and they are very heavy ones. I wish you the very best of luck with it!
tattoomytoe Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 so you teach 10 yr. olds, and you date one too? i agree with the other posters in saying that you two are just in different places now. he, after 7 yrs., probably hasn't changed too much. you, on the other hand, you sound like you are ready to go out and be an adult. you have a real job, (with huge responsibilities), you make good/ decent money(i hope),. i think you should think about moving out of your folks home, on your own, dump his butt, and get on with your life. otherwise you will only regret wasting this time.
Sukotto Posted January 16, 2005 Posted January 16, 2005 Rent an apartment on your own, get him to help you move in and then dump him You've most definately ready to move out, did you stay at home through college or did you move back in after your graduated?
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