Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I stay out of big cities as much as possible lol. I might visit one here and there, but I'd be miserable living in one. Well then this is probably something you will keep struggling with. In big cities we have anonimity. Meaning we have more of a choice when it comes to lifestyle. People don't stick their nose in your business because they don't know you. In smaller places everyone knows everything and you are expected to conform.
Author hotpotato Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 Well then this is probably something you will keep struggling with. In big cities we have anonimity. Meaning we have more of a choice when it comes to lifestyle. People don't stick their nose in your business because they don't know you. In smaller places everyone knows everything and you are expected to conform. I don't think I'd like the anonymity plus all the things that go with living in a big city.
Emilia Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 I don't think I'd like the anonymity plus all the things that go with living in a big city. It must be difficult to be a very private person in a small community. Maybe you need to find a way to build trust with people better or perhaps just pretend that you open up. Just be friendly, laugh but not say all that much of significance. Most people don't want to hear the story of your life anyway, they just want something to chew on. I agree that women get offended if you seem to close yourself off. 1
Author hotpotato Posted February 12, 2014 Author Posted February 12, 2014 It must be difficult to be a very private person in a small community. Maybe you need to find a way to build trust with people better or perhaps just pretend that you open up. Just be friendly, laugh but not say all that much of significance. Most people don't want to hear the story of your life anyway, they just want something to chew on. I agree that women get offended if you seem to close yourself off. No! I find it quite peaceful overall. The nearest big city is New Orleans. I'm sure I wouldn't want to live there. I think most people would consider me nice but reserved. 1
Targetlock Posted February 12, 2014 Posted February 12, 2014 Good, to me it sounds like you have been badly treated but these men that to me sound like jerks that simply weren't incompatible, and this has left its mark on you from the sound of it. you sound like a really interesting woman and i hope you find what you are searching for. never try and be something you are not for a relationship, be yourself. 1
Author hotpotato Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 Good, to me it sounds like you have been badly treated but these men that to me sound like jerks that simply weren't incompatible, and this has left its mark on you from the sound of it. you sound like a really interesting woman and i hope you find what you are searching for. never try and be something you are not for a relationship, be yourself. I would say the first guy and I were very compatible, but too compatible. The problem is we get together and work out FOO issues. We were either very happy or very unhappy. We were like Juan Antonio and Mary Elena! He at one time asked to marry me, but I don't think we could stand more than 3 years of each other... He is very much like Juan Antonio. He needs the approval of a woman. If our relationship gets rocky he will start cheating or talking to other prospective mates. He would jump straight from me to someone else. I don't think he has single for the past 10 years.
Targetlock Posted February 13, 2014 Posted February 13, 2014 sounds like a jerk, rather than confronting the issue he decides to be a coward and flee to the arms of someone else for his own selfish needs. not worth the trouble.
Author hotpotato Posted February 13, 2014 Author Posted February 13, 2014 sounds like a jerk, rather than confronting the issue he decides to be a coward and flee to the arms of someone else for his own selfish needs. not worth the trouble. Well, it's not different from the other guys I get stuck with.
Author hotpotato Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Someone suggested what my issue may be. I need to learn how to need men. The problem is I'm curious and like to learn. I do not need a man for entertainment. I change oil and alternators, I do this, I do that. The hot tater machine runs fine without a man. The problem compounds itself because men tend to drop me suddenly. It's hard for me to justify needing someone who could leave at any moment. So far pretty much any guy I date will leave suddenly. I've said here before that the best thing a woman can be in the dating world is average in looks and smarts. Anything above average and the number of men who find her attractive goes down.
Emilia Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 Someone suggested what my issue may be. I need to learn how to need men. The problem is I'm curious and like to learn. I do not need a man for entertainment. I change oil and alternators, I do this, I do that. The hot tater machine runs fine without a man. The problem compounds itself because men tend to drop me suddenly. It's hard for me to justify needing someone who could leave at any moment. So far pretty much any guy I date will leave suddenly. I've said here before that the best thing a woman can be in the dating world is average in looks and smarts. Anything above average and the number of men who find her attractive goes down. Reading your posts recently I'd say you have major trust issues. I don't know where they come from but those guys may have felt that they weren't getting anywhere and gave up.
Author hotpotato Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Reading your posts recently I'd say you have major trust issues. I don't know where they come from but those guys may have felt that they weren't getting anywhere and gave up. First guy definitely wouldn't say that. I told him everything, and still do! The second one didn't give that as a reason for leaving. He even said I was opening up to him. He did say I was intimidating though. That being said, dumping me isn't going to make me trust a guy, so I would just assume he didn't care to know me.
Emilia Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 First guy definitely wouldn't say that. I told him everything, and still do! The second one didn't give that as a reason for leaving. He even said I was opening up to him. He did say I was intimidating though. That being said, dumping me isn't going to make me trust a guy, so I would just assume he didn't care to know me. Have you only had a relationship with two men only? Not a big enough number to draw conclusions from.
Author hotpotato Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Have you only had a relationship with two men only? Not a big enough number to draw conclusions from. There were attempts at dating as well as casual dating inbetween. Reistically, I will only have two or 3 boyfriends per decade.
Emilia Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 There were attempts at dating as well as casual dating inbetween. Reistically, I will only have two or 3 boyfriends per decade. Ah! That should have been in the original post, I think the responses would have been different. You need to talk to men more and date more. Not enough data points.
gaius Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I don't know you well enough to make any concrete suggestions. Do you call these guys if they don't call you? Follow their lead at all? Do they have a solid role and purpose in your life that they know you really enjoy having them fill and can't do on your own? One of my ex's would bitch a bit about not being taken out before I pursued her so I knew I had a purpose I could fulfill and felt useful when we started dating. And she would make it abundantly clear after I did take her out how much she enjoyed it. If she really didn't care and was just as happy doing it on her own I would have been greatly bummed out. I think you were referring to me when you restarted this thread which is impersonal, as flattering as it is to be referred to and mentioned. One woman I've talked to who frequently gets dumped actually had the gall to tell me she totally forgot my name and just wanted to see what I was up to, and we had interacted quite a bit to the point she should have easily remembered it. Why she frequently got dumped became remarkably clear. She was not good at making a guy feel special and useful. Terrible ego management. But maybe that has nothing to do with you and I'm just projecting. I just don't know you well enough to say. 1
Woggle Posted February 17, 2014 Posted February 17, 2014 I don't know if need is the right word but learn how to relate to men and truly understand us. So few women truly understand men and what makes us tick and the ones who do tend to have more successful relationships. 1
Author hotpotato Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 Ah! That should have been in the original post, I think the responses would have been different. You need to talk to men more and date more. Not enough data points. I would if I could find more I were interested in. I think maybe I'll date someone for six months then end it.
Author hotpotato Posted February 18, 2014 Author Posted February 18, 2014 I don't know you well enough to make any concrete suggestions. Do you call these guys if they don't call you? Follow their lead at all? Do they have a solid role and purpose in your life that they know you really enjoy having them fill and can't do on your own? One of my ex's would bitch a bit about not being taken out before I pursued her so I knew I had a purpose I could fulfill and felt useful when we started dating. And she would make it abundantly clear after I did take her out how much she enjoyed it. If she really didn't care and was just as happy doing it on her own I would have been greatly bummed out. Yes, in my relationships I have always done the bulk of the work. I decided that I will no longer do the bulk of calling or texting. If a guy likes me, he will call and text. I wont have to make him. Next time, if a guy doesn't call or text me we just wont talk and our relationship is over. I guess a boyfriend could fulfill an important role by not cheating on me? lol The older I get and the more I am single, the more I actually like doing things by myself. I think you were referring to me when you restarted this thread which is impersonal, as flattering as it is to be referred to and mentioned. One woman I've talked to who frequently gets dumped actually had the gall to tell me she totally forgot my name and just wanted to see what I was up to, and we had interacted quite a bit to the point she should have easily remembered it. Why she frequently got dumped became remarkably clear. She was not good at making a guy feel special and useful. Terrible ego management. But maybe that has nothing to do with you and I'm just projecting. I just don't know you well enough to say. The last relationship I did a lot to make him feel good-compliments, doing the bulk of calling and texting, asking for advice (i think he really liked that). He did complain that he I didn't text him randomly, even though I already did most of the texting, calling, and carried our conversations. He never randomly texted me either. Looking back our relationship was very one sided. He gained a girlfriend who was up his butt, and I gained a chore. It really was almost like having a second job.
Author hotpotato Posted February 22, 2014 Author Posted February 22, 2014 I don't know if need is the right word but learn how to relate to men and truly understand us. So few women truly understand men and what makes us tick and the ones who do tend to have more successful relationships. I figure making a man feel like a man is important. That can be tricky as a strong, capable woman. I notice that the more average high school girls get swept up and married quickly. I dont think that's a coincidence. I'll have to stick to dating alpha males and older men who are more secure in their masculinity.
Author hotpotato Posted March 26, 2014 Author Posted March 26, 2014 So..I got an "I love you" out of one of the guys! lol
Pineappls Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 What i see is alot of insecurity and you doing thing so they can stay or like you more Stop dating, work on your self esteem. Be who you are, stop looking for what they want so you can adapt yourself. Low self esteem attract loser that want to take advantage of you. And abuse you! If you stand for noting you will fall for anything. Be you stand for something and work on your self esteem and you will see the difference . Men are some way very flexible. They often go by how you are. Beside its sad to sit and see that you have been doing what men want,never your own wishes and what you love . And at the end none of them are with you or putted a ring on your finger. 1
topaMAXX Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I am convinced that men just do not like me. No matter what I do or don't do, it's always the same ole nitpicking leaving out of the blue. No matter if we have a smooth or a rocky relationship, it's always the same at the end. If a guy says he is scared of having kids, he will turn around and date a woman who has kids. If a man says he wants me to dress like X, he will turn around and date a woman who doesn't dress like X either. I think they do this to get back at me. A previous ex finally admitted he did this to make me angry. So...I'm not sure what else to conclude. Men dont want me, and dont like me. Maybe you give off a certain vibe. I was talking to a girl for a little while. She gave me mixed signals of interest (which means, in my experience, that I had a shot). She's very attractive, but comes off a bit cold. I ultimately decided not to pursue her, mostly because of her coldness...not the mixed signals. This is coming from a relationship-minded man. 1
Iguanna Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 You remind me of the joke with the guy who is driving on the highway and he listens to the radio "there is a crazy man driving on the wrong side of the road, drivers be careful!" and he turns to the radio and yells "only one crazy man? hundreds of them!". When something goes wrong with an aspect of our lives over and over again, we should start considering the possibility that it may be OUR fault instead of blaming it to everyone else. After all, the only common thing these guys have is: YOU.
FrostBlaze Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 (edited) Date more would also be my advice, to get more options. You seem like a strong willed woman, you hold your own however you also seem rather cooped up. What i mean is, you don't let someone else help you, don't open up emotionally either, trust issues, that's the vibe i get from you. You also victimize yourself. I could be that you just attract the wrong kind of men, but i also think that you are at fault, i don't know you enough if at all, just a few forum posts here and there. You just seem to have a really high guard up. Mean? maybe. I like the way you think, read some of your post on different topics, including one opened by me, had similar opinions and i generally liked your behavior. So you don't seem like a bad person at all, i'd probably like you. Honestly, you sound, think and act almost exactly like my ex-girlfriend, introverted, might come of as cold, mean to strangers, doesn't get along with other girls, etc. You just need a really tough alpha guy to put you in place, the average Joe ain't for you, they probably feel they can't satisfy you. Deep down you want a man to take away all the manly atributes, even if you can do them yourself. You would feel relieved to have someone else do it so you can be more feminine. Cuz hey, men like feminine women ^^, not another "man". Keep looking . Edited March 26, 2014 by FrostBlaze 1
KathyM Posted March 26, 2014 Posted March 26, 2014 I haven't read the whole thread, since it is long, but it sounds like you are meeting pretty low quality men who are just interested in using women and then moving on to the next. You probably need to adjust your screening process if the only men you are meeting are like this. I can't think of any man I know IRL who would be so fickle, except for those who have cheated on a spouse and are now divorced. Who are more into using women and don't value women.
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