Men do not like me

[Emilia]

Why do you think that? I'm too old for the ups and downs, that's why I'm single so much.

Because of your two posts below, they say powerstruggle and drama to me. You are saying you are single so much because you are too old for ups and downs, is it that you aren't capable of having relationships without the rollercoaster ride?

My most drama filled relationship actually lasted the longest. With the last guy I did everything I could to make him feel good. Instead he dumped me days after saying he wanted me to go see him and after he told me how great he thought i was.

 

One of my exes actually did say he dumped me for another girl to retaliate against me. This isn't something I made up.

 

Women are naturally drawn to befriend other women. Women tend to be more open and emotionally available to each other than guys are to other guys. Female friendships are often characterized by intimate alliances, strong bonding, open communication, implicit trust and lots of emotional support. As a guy who has been around the block a time or two, I have learned to recognize the absence of female friendships as a red flag. If that isn't happening then there is likely to be something awry. Not a given necessarily, but something to pay attention to. The likelihood of that being completely unrelated to the issue of short-term relationships is low.

 

More information as to the nature and type of interactions you tend to have in both the female friendships and dating relationships might help illuminate things a bit.

I agree with the gist of it and I do have female friends but there are a couple of guys I'm closer to. Not everyone needs explicit emotional support. I get less overt emotional support from my close male friends and they are good at giving advice about men (better than most women) which is where most of us older need more support I think. Generally I find that women who almost exclusively have female friends are often more reliant on others while those with more male friends tend to be more independent and perhaps introverted. That's certainly my case. I take time to trust someone and female inquisitiveness can feel intrusive a lot of the time, men are more discreet and tactful (believe it or not) therefore I often prefer their company.

 

This could be one explanation.

[hotpotato]

It would seem that you have no problem initiating dating relationships but are questioning why they don't last. If men didn't find you attractive you'd be asking why they won't ask you out to begin with. The reason they leave is almost surely related to the feeling they have while in the relationship... assuming you aren't choosing hit and quit types to begin with.

 

How long do your dating relationships usually last? What is the longest relationship you've been in (recently and ever)?

 

Longest was about 3 years, the last one 8 months. There's a guy I have been dating casually for a few years.

 

 

Do your relationships tend to be characterized by conflict?

 

Only the first one.

 

 

 

 

Women are naturally drawn to befriend other women. Women tend to be more open and emotionally available to each other than guys are to other guys. Female friendships are often characterized by intimate alliances, strong bonding, open communication, implicit trust and lots of emotional support. As a guy who has been around the block a time or two, I have learned to recognize the absence of female friendships as a red flag. If that isn't happening then there is likely to be something awry. Not a given necessarily, but something to pay attention to. The likelihood of that being completely unrelated to the issue of short-term relationships is low.

 

More information as to the nature and type of interactions you tend to have in both the female friendships and dating relationships might help illuminate things a bit.

 

From what I've seen female relationships are more alliance and less friendship. Not all, but a lot of them.

 

Guys do think me not having female friends is a red flag. The last bf did.

 

But he left for a girl who also didn't have female friends. Go figure.

 

That's why I believe men nitpick me.

[hotpotato]

Because of your two posts below, they say powerstruggle and drama to me. You are saying you are single so much because you are too old for ups and downs, is it that you aren't capable of having relationships without the rollercoaster ride?

 

I'm fine with having a drama free relationship. I'm not the one who does the dumping.

 

 

 

 

I agree with the gist of it and I do have female friends but there are a couple of guys I'm closer to. Not everyone needs explicit emotional support. I get less overt emotional support from my close male friends and they are good at giving advice about men (better than most women) which is where most of us older need more support I think. Generally I find that women who almost exclusively have female friends are often more reliant on others while those with more male friends tend to be more independent and perhaps introverted. That's certainly my case. I take time to trust someone and female inquisitiveness can feel intrusive a lot of the time, men are more discreet and tactful (believe it or not) therefore I often prefer their company.

 

This could be one explanation.

 

I have issues with women picking on me, even though they dont know me.

 

Some women think i'm snobby and stuck up because I dont tell all my business to people I dont know.

 

I am definitely more introverted and introspective.

[hotpotato]

I think in my last relationship, I was too cerebral. This was in part due to the distance.

[Tayken]

@OP....

 

If it's any consolation, am sure I'll like you if we met...something tells me so

[ltjg45]

I don't really see anything wrong. All I can tell is that her ex boyfriends got bored and left. It is not like they are stalking her or doing anything weird during the relationship or afterwards. They simply moved on.

 

OP, my best recommendation is to just keep looking. So far, your strategy is working because you keep getting into long-term relationships and you aren't getting these "players" that most women have issues avoiding.

 

The only issue, like you have noticed I'm sure, is that the guys you want will have some sort of a shield on so you will have to initiate more often than not.

 

I should know. I am one of them. Still trying to break out but it is not easy.

[Emilia]

I have issues with women picking on me, even though they dont know me.

 

Some women think i'm snobby and stuck up because I dont tell all my business to people I dont know.

 

I am definitely more introverted and introspective.

You need to soften how you come across. I put that on too sometimes for some women though I have good female friends who accept me the way I am.

[joystickd]

In some ways I would be better off having male friends.

 

That would potentially create a new set of problems

[joystickd]

I am convinced that men just do not like me.

 

No matter what I do or don't do, it's always the same ole

 

nitpicking

 

leaving out of the blue.

 

No matter if we have a smooth or a rocky relationship, it's always the same at the end.

 

If a guy says he is scared of having kids, he will turn around and date a woman who has kids.

 

If a man says he wants me to dress like X, he will turn around and date a woman who doesn't dress like X either.

 

I think they do this to get back at me. A previous ex finally admitted he did this to make me angry.

 

So...I'm not sure what else to conclude. Men dont want me, and dont like me.

Sounds like you need to take time away from dating and figure out what is it about you that make these men make up excuses and dump you. It's easy to blame men but this seems to be happening on a consistent basis so the person to blame is YOU!!

[hotpotato]

I don't really see anything wrong. All I can tell is that her ex boyfriends got bored and left. It is not like they are stalking her or doing anything weird during the relationship or afterwards. They simply moved on.

 

OP, my best recommendation is to just keep looking. So far, your strategy is working because you keep getting into long-term relationships and you aren't getting these "players" that most women have issues avoiding.

 

The only issue, like you have noticed I'm sure, is that the guys you want will have some sort of a shield on so you will have to initiate more often than not.

 

I should know. I am one of them. Still trying to break out but it is not easy.

 

I'm actually in contact with one, and boredom was not the reason given for the breakup. I can't say about the other one though.

 

When an ldr guy dumps you, to date someone else in your state who looks like you, something is wrong.

 

Towards the end the conversations became trite. If I ever were in another ltr, I would know how to avoid that.

[hotpotato]

That would potentially create a new set of problems

 

I have male acquaintances, but I'm not deluding myself that theyare friends.

 

Every time I try to be friends with a guy, I get a stalker. I know better now!

[hotpotato]

Sounds like you need to take time away from dating and figure out what is it about you that make these men make up excuses and dump you. It's easy to blame men but this seems to be happening on a consistent basis so the person to blame is YOU!!

 

Actually, first guy was a really bad cheater. Most of our issues were his fault. He has admitted that he left in part as retaliation.

 

I think the last guy was intimidated by me. I'm just gonna have to learn how to play stupid better. The new girl definitely us not...well read. I don't think most guys will find it attractive if you know more about guns or auto mechanics than they do. I guess he needed the less intimidating version of hot tater.

 

I think the second guy will come back in a few years and tell me the real reasons.

[OhThatGirl]

Hmmm.

 

Let me tell you what I see. From a woman's point of view.

 

You use the word "nitpick" often. You compare yourself to other women you're being left for. You say you don't have female friends because they think you come across as snobbish or stuck up. Also that you don't have anything in common with them. Then the next comment you bash the women you've been left for (less attractive, less intelligent.. That you need to dumb yourself down etc)

 

So, without trying to cause you any pain, this is what I get:

 

Your happiness with life in general needs to be reclaimed from the garbage, dusted off, and worked on. You do come off as bitter, feeling like a victim ("men don't like me" and "men nitpick about things with me and then leave to find the same thing in other women")

 

Yeah they do. Why? Because those women are likely happy, energetic, accepting people who don't view themselves as a victim or targeted when things don't work out for them.

 

The common denominator here is you. This thing about not having anything in common with women because you have primarily "male" interests/hobbies I'm willing to bet is far from what the real situation is. I get a feeling that you simply don't like women. Maybe you see them as competition or a reminder of what you're not. You don't like generalizations of the things they do, the way they communicate, the stereotype of the weaker sex. I don't know. Not having anything in common with women is not an excuse. The only thing that all women have in common is a vagina. The rest is left to a million + variables.

 

There is not some huge conspiracy to pick on you and leave you. Trust that it is likely much more to do with your attitude than any particular trait. Are you judgmental? Elitist? Dismiss anything that is different from what you think highly of? Roll your eyes often?

 

Ok I'm going to come on out and say it. Your attitude sucks. That's why they're leaving. It's not about looks or intelligence or kids. It's because you have a victim mentality, you can't play nice with others, you criticize (way more than you are criticized yourself.)

 

Open up. Soften up. Make some friends. Work on developing mutually beneficial relationships with members of both sexes. Stop feeling as though you're targeted. You're not. And likely this feeling stems from how you view others (targeting them for your own criticism!) Remember, we often project onto others what we ourselves do.

 

So give it a chance. Be happy. Do nice things. Give people the benefit of the doubt. See the beauty of others. Then you (and others!) will be able to see the beauty in you.

 

And stop with the bad attitude already. Its a relationship killer.

[joystickd]

Actually, first guy was a really bad cheater. Most of our issues were his fault. He has admitted that he left in part as retaliation.

 

I think the last guy was intimidated by me. I'm just gonna have to learn how to play stupid better. The new girl definitely us not...well read. I don't think most guys will find it attractive if you know more about guns or auto mechanics than they do. I guess he needed the less intimidating version of hot tater.

 

I think the second guy will come back in a few years and tell me the real reasons.

guns or auto mechanics. Lol! I live in a rural and a lot of women like that. It's something else.

[hotpotato]

Hmmm.

 

Let me tell you what I see. From a woman's point of view.

 

You use the word "nitpick" often. You compare yourself to other women you're being left for. You say you don't have female friends because they think you come across as snobbish or stuck up. Also that you don't have anything in common with them.

 

Then the next comment you bash the women you've been left for (less attractive, less intelligent.. That you need to dumb yourself down etc)

Well, it's true. They do nitpick on me and search for reasons to leave. Someone asked about my attractiveness, which is in part why it was mentioned.

 

Dumbing myself down isn't very pc, but it's true. I should dumb myself down. It's another way of saying I was emphasizing the wrong traits. In fact, the last guy said it was intimidating.

 

So, without trying to cause you any pain, this is what I get:

 

Your happiness with life in general needs to be reclaimed from the garbage, dusted off, and worked on. You do come off as bitter, feeling like a victim ("men don't like me" and "men nitpick about things with me and then leave to find the same thing in other women")

 

Which is true, guys do nitpick on me. For example, I had one guy say he didn't want to date me because I would text "U" instead of "you." Yes, that is nitpicking. This is the same guy who complained I didn't dress like X then turned around and dated someone who didn't dress like X either.

 

Yeah they do. Why? Because those women are likely happy, energetic, accepting people who don't view themselves as a victim or targeted when things don't work out for them.

 

LOL and I am, except for being moody sometimes. No one is perky, happy 100% of the time. The last ex described me as smart, big hearted, etc.

 

 

The common denominator here is you. This thing about not having anything in common with women because you have primarily "male" interests/hobbies I'm willing to bet is far from what the real situation is. I get a feeling that you simply don't like women. Maybe you see them as competition or a reminder of what you're not. You don't like generalizations of the things they do, the way they communicate, the stereotype of the weaker sex. I don't know. Not having anything in common with women is not an excuse. The only thing that all women have in common is a vagina. The rest is left to a million + variables.

 

Really? And with how many females am I going to debate the pros and cons of a g17 vs a g19? I'm interested in weightlifting, knots, guns, edged weapons, automobiles. Tonight I'm going beer tasting. I'm naturally not going to have a lot in common with most women. I'm just a big tomboy on the inside.

 

I'm reserved, and most women aren't going to like that. I don't tell all my business to people I dont know.

 

 

There is not some huge conspiracy to pick on you and leave you. Trust that it is likely much more to do with your attitude than any particular trait. Are you judgmental? Elitist? Dismiss anything that is different from what you think highly of? Roll your eyes often?

Actually, no. I'm one of the nicest people you'll meet. I cant say the last time I rolled my eyes at anybody.

 

Actually, I did have a man say he dumped me to hurt me, as I've said several times.

 

 

Ok I'm going to come on out and say it. Your attitude sucks. That's why they're leaving. It's not about looks or intelligence or kids. It's because you have a victim mentality, you can't play nice with others, you criticize (way more than you are criticized yourself.)

Actually, I do play well with others. I'm just reserved. In fact, in the last relationship there were 0 arguments. Excuse me for letting off steam...

 

 

Open up. Soften up. Make some friends. Work on developing mutually beneficial relationships with members of both sexes. Stop feeling as though you're targeted. You're not. And likely this feeling stems from how you view others (targeting them for your own criticism!) Remember, we often project onto others what we ourselves do.

Actually, I have been target at least once. See above. I have male acquaintances. I'm open to friends but not 'frenemies.'

 

So give it a chance. Be happy. Do nice things. Give people the benefit of the doubt. See the beauty of others. Then you (and others!) will be able to see the beauty in you.

 

And stop with the bad attitude already. Its a relationship killer.

 

Presumptive much? I very much enjoy doing nice things for others, like donate to charity, and I also volunteer for the USO. Once I even got called a "good Christian woman" around the holidays. So I'm doing something right. Charity is one of my passions. You have no idea how I am in relationships with men. I can be depressive, but I've never fussed or been mad a man without due cause.

[hotpotato]

It felt good to let some steam off. I feel better!

[hotpotato]

guns or auto mechanics. Lol! I live in a rural and a lot of women like that. It's something else.

 

Lucky you! he he

I'm sure more of the rural women here are interested in those things,too.

 

The last guy who dumped me said I was probably a better mechanic than he was!

[hotpotato]

The common denominator here is you. This thing about not having anything in common with women because you have primarily "male" interests/hobbies I'm willing to bet is far from what the real situation is. I get a feeling that you simply don't like women. Maybe you see them as competition or a reminder of what you're not. You don't like generalizations of the things they do, the way they communicate, the stereotype of the weaker sex. I don't know. Not having anything in common with women is not an excuse. The only thing that all women have in common is a vagina. The rest is left to a million + variables.

 

If I'm not dating 90% of the time, who am I and this hypothetical friend in competition for?

 

There are a lot of reason to avoid frenemies as I've seen this phenomenon first hand-blackmailing each other, being nice because the other has Xanax or some other happy pill, screaming, yelling making each other cry, threatening legal action against each other.

 

Many women are not friends, they are allies, there is a HUGS difference.

 

Keep you friends close. Keep your frenemies closer.

[xxoo]

Really? And with how many females am I going to debate the pros and cons of a g17 vs a g19? I'm interested in weightlifting, knots, guns, edged weapons, automobiles. Tonight I'm going beer tasting. I'm naturally not going to have a lot in common with most women. I'm just a big tomboy on the inside.

 

I'm reserved, and most women aren't going to like that. I don't tell all my business to people I dont know.

 

How much do you need in common to be a friend?

 

I'm not a person with a lot of friends, but I have a few close female friends. They happen not to share many interests with me at all. One is an avid knitter, very sedentary, and likes horror movies and velveeta products . I'm a health nut, into the outdoors, and hate crafts. But we have gotten to know each other through proximity (we were neighbors), and have developed a true friendship: the supportive, share anything kind, like I have with my sisters (one of whom shares many of your interests!).

 

Do you have that level of caring and sharing with at least a few individuals in your life, disregarding shallow interests and focusing on true friendship? If not, people (men and women) may have trouble connecting with you. Maybe you've got walls up and aren't letting people "in".

[hotpotato]

How much do you need in common to be a friend?

 

I'm not a person with a lot of friends, but I have a few close female friends. They happen not to share many interests with me at all. One is an avid knitter, very sedentary, and likes horror movies and velveeta products . I'm a health nut, into the outdoors, and hate crafts. But we have gotten to know each other through proximity (we were neighbors), and have developed a true friendship: the supportive, share anything kind, like I have with my sisters (one of whom shares many of your interests!).

 

Do you have that level of caring and sharing with at least a few individuals in your life, disregarding shallow interests and focusing on true friendship? If not, people (men and women) may have trouble connecting with you. Maybe you've got walls up and aren't letting people "in".

 

I would like someone I can do activities with.

 

I do have a bff.

 

I open up, just not on the timetable most people want me to. Some people have wanted me to open up when it simply isn't warranted. I don't tell all my personal business to people I don't know, and women especially find this difficult and take it very personally.

 

Some guys have wanted to talk about very person topics on the 2nd date. Nope.

[hotpotato]

I guess I'm different. I've never had much of a desire for female friends. Any potential female friends would have to be cool with my life style - no kids, no ltr.

[Emilia]

I guess I'm different. I've never had much of a desire for female friends. Any potential female friends would have to be cool with my life style - no kids, no ltr.

Do you live in a small town? Because in a city your lifestyle wouldn't be unusual at all.

[hotpotato]

Do you live in a small town? Because in a city your lifestyle wouldn't be unusual at all.

 

Yes, i live in a small-ish area. Most people around me are paired and churning out babies.

[Emilia]

Yes, i live in a small-ish area. Most people around me are paired and churning out babies.

There lies the problem. A very different lifestyle and mindset. Maybe a larger town/city would suit you better. Have you thought about moving?

[hotpotato]

There lies the problem. A very different lifestyle and mindset. Maybe a larger town/city would suit you better. Have you thought about moving?

 

I stay out of big cities as much as possible lol.

 

I might visit one here and there, but I'd be miserable living in one.