What have you learned from your separation/divorce?

[RonaldS]

- to be grateful for all that I have in my life

 

- that nobody can take what I don't give them.....my happiness, my identity, my goals, my confidence. Those things are mine.

 

- not to sign anything that legally contractually binds me to a romantic relationship with another person. Still not sure who came up with that moronic idea.

 

- that I'm a tough cookie

[Got it]

Tell us short: what have you learned that you will apply/have appied to future relationships?

 

Enlighten us!

 

That it can be done with little drama, little stress, amicably and with respect for each other. It doesn't have to cost a lot, have attorneys, or leave either party in a bad state. And it can be the the closing of a chapter but the start of a whole new life.

[trippi1432]

I've learned not to depend on anyone other than myself.....

 

I've learned that unconditional love is only between a parent and child, it does not exist between a wife and husband....or only one person believes it does.

 

I've learned that people do not change....what you see is what you get.

 

I've learned to leave what is hurting me....(and learned to check under the rug for the other woman/agenda)

 

I've learned to run from men who propose too soon, chase too hard....etc.

 

I've learned to depend on me....I think I already said that................

[keepontruckin]

Do you think marriage in general is a joke, or did you just meet the wrong person? And why?

Marriage in general is a joke to most people, my stbxw included.

 

Look at the stats: 50% failure rate for first marriages. Second and third marriages have even worse odds.

 

Now, I am a firm believer that marriage could and should have value (even though I am not religious). However, it seems that to the majority (knowing the stats), marriage is a joke.

 

I have been studying this for many, many months... I have come to the conclusion that marriage, or people committing themselves to just one person, doesn't work for 50%+ of the population, judging by the stats. I believe this is due to human nature at work, and I predict marriage failure rates will only climb over time. This is my prediction.

[blombox]

- to be grateful for all that I have in my life

 

- that nobody can take what I don't give them.....my happiness, my identity, my goals, my confidence. Those things are mine.

 

 

I really, really like those lessons! Especially the second one! Nobody should be able to remove those things from you.

 

Marriage in general is a joke to most people, my stbxw included.

 

Look at the stats: 50% failure rate for first marriages. Second and third marriages have even worse odds.

 

Now, I am a firm believer that marriage could and should have value (even though I am not religious). However, it seems that to the majority (knowing the stats), marriage is a joke.

 

I have been studying this for many, many months... I have come to the conclusion that marriage, or people committing themselves to just one person, doesn't work for 50%+ of the population, judging by the stats. I believe this is due to human nature at work, and I predict marriage failure rates will only climb over time. This is my prediction.

 

In the early days marriage was more about having social security. Now we don't need that anymore. It also has become way more easy to get a divorce. America especially is high in the divorce rates. About marriage, I think:

- you should not marry to early

- Know who you are and what you want

- Have the right standards for selecting a life partner.

 

This will increase the chance, but then its still hard.

[melell]

I was in an 8 year defacto relationship. Legally still entitled to half.

 

I would say what I learned was nobody can let me down but me. I have the responsibility to make my own judgments- like figuring out when to walk away, and what my standards are, and what I want from something- or what I am willing to give, expecting etc.

 

Plenty of times I had the opportunity to object to things and walk away. For me it is less about trust and more about realizing that every individual is free to make any choice for any reason, so when it comes down to it the only person I should really ever rely on is myself.

[2.50 a gallon]

1. That I would never marry again.

 

 

2. Married women are easy pickings

[RedRobin]

1. I invested way too much emotionally on one person. Since then, I've never let a relationship or a pursuit of one swallow up my life. My life is much better balanced now. I'd like to think this would make me a better partner too.

 

 

2. Never get attached to someone who views relationships primarily through the lens of power or control versus mutual sharing and support. It's a good suggestion for friendships, business, and all kinds of relationships. Really makes life a lot more pleasant.

 

 

3. Only people who are healthy as individuals can have a healthy relationship.

 

 

It's something worth striving for, no matter where we start out in life or what gets handed to us. I still believe life is better with a partner. Ok without one... still better with one... is my preference.

[RedHawk08]

I have learned these things for the future,

 

* To NEVER underestimate anyone's ability to do a complete 180 on you. Wife/friends/family

 

* The vast majority of people are out for themselves.

 

* To watch for the gossip mongers and drama queens that seem like they want to help. But only use that opportunity to treat your life like an interactive soap opera.

 

* That marriage is not held sacred to most people, as I have always held it, in this disposable and "Me, My Needs, What I Want" society.

 

The thing is, unlike many posters, I will NOT become someone who puts them self first at all times.

I refuse to become the kind of person I can't stand.

 

I'll just be far more careful who gets any closer than arm's length in the future.

It sucks. It's not the way I want to live. However, I would rather that than a repeat performance of the last 12 months of my life.

[SadNLonley]

1. trust your instincts

 

2. Don't play games. You may get burnt

 

3. There is a fine line between love/hate

Edited February 3, 2014 by SadNLonley

[Tayken]

- Have the right standards for selecting a life partner.

 

This will increase the chance, but then its still hard.

 

You got that right....I think the problem for *most* especially first timers, and *some* second timers, is that they never pause for a second to look past the what they consider "love".

 

If I love you is the only tangible thing a potential partner is bringing to the table....I don't want none of it personally.

 

Everyone especially those of us that have been around the block once, need to have a "list* of uncompromisable things that stem from your lessons learned

 

For me, it's in this order:

 

1. Mutual respect

2. sincerity

3. equality i.e. am not paying 70-100% of the bills etc

4. partnership

5. honesty

6. a good career (so I don't have to end up paying spousal support)

7. no pets

8. non smoker / drug user / heavy drinker

9. clutter queen

10. classy dresser / nice scent

11. most like travel...not talking resort type here

 

To name just a few...I'll not compromise on any of these

[blueskyday]

Good list. Honesty and kindness top mine.

 

I learned that you can never really know (some) people. Nothing surprises me anymore. I'm skeptical. He's a pillar of the community? A great guy? We will see.

He may get arrested in a year.

 

I don't take anything at face value anymore.