snappytomcat Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 hello all on my dday last june,I was upset,furious,devastated,my husband said a lot,but I think the first few months I was walking around like in a daze,or a fog,dont know how to explain it. anyways one of the things he told me,was during the affair,the ow kept accusing him of cheating on her,with me his wife,first they only saw each other 4 times,because we live on opposite coast,did she expect him not to have sex with me when we slept in the same bed?please forgive me im starting to ramble,the question is,is do most ow/om feel like your ap is cheating on you with their spouses?just curious is all thank you for taking the time to read this
MissBee Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I felt jealous imagining him sleeping with anyone who wasn't me, but I didn't think of it as cheating. However, had he found a new OW, I would have felt it was cheating. His partner who existed before me though was "part of the package" so to speak and I knew already that they would be sleeping together and chose to accept it (although I was never happy with it).
Author snappytomcat Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 I felt jealous imagining him sleeping with anyone who wasn't me, but I didn't think of it as cheating. However, had he found a new OW, I would have felt it was cheating. His partner who existed before me though was "part of the package" so to speak and I knew already that they would be sleeping together and chose to accept it (although I was never happy with it). thanks missbee,that does make sense,i think the ow in our case is unstable,i actually had to go charge her with harassment,a few weeks ago,i think it might have worked haven't heard a peep out of her,so glad she lives on the opposite coast
wanting more Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I've seen a few OW say that he's cheating on them with his wife. I, myself do not understand that. I never thought of him having sex with his wife nor did we ever talk about it. I assumed they were but I didn't ask, he didn't tell. 1
glow worm Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I think it is really unreasonable for the OW to think of the MM as "cheating" on her by sleeping with his own wife. I am aware that my CM has sex with his partner, we've discussed it, and he's never tried to tell me that he doesn't have sex with her (like alot of MM tell the OW). Although I don't enjoy thinking about it, I'm aware that it happens. He told me that when our A started several years ago that he initially felt extremely sexually awakened and was having sex with her all the time, but as our A has continued and deepened over the years, he has gradually lost interest in sex with her, and that she has asked him several times recently for more sex. I actually told him that if he was going to stay in the relationship with her rather than leave her, he should have more sex with her, because she is the innocent party in this situation and doesn't deserve to have her sex life taken away. I'm really sorry that you're having to go through the tough time that you are going through. I hope things start to feel better for you soon. Hugs! 1
whereamigoing Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I agree with the others, an OW getting upset and referring to typical marital relationships as cheating on her is ridiculous. However, is there something that has triggered her to react this way? Did your husband tell her that the two of you weren't intimate while they were together, basically roommates? Does she have concerns over STDs, giving or receiving? Did he tell her she couldn't sleep with anyone else because he wasn't? I'm sure there are several other scenarios that could be at least, in part, at fault for her reaction. Though, she could just be a bit unbalanced in general or emotionally upset because she was made promises, she was in love, and/or she was thrown under the bus by a man she thought she loved and who she thought loved her. Of course that's a whole lot of speculation. During the majority of my affair MM and his wife were not intimate but I assumed they were the whole time, it wasn't until later that I found out the truth. It did not particularly disturb me as I was free to do what I wanted as well.
goodyblue Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 No. He hadn't slept with his wife in ages when our affair began so it was never an issue. His children had all left home and he took one of their rooms. Then, he left. But if he had been intimate with her, I would have felt betrayed ONLY if there was an agreement that there would be no intimacy between anyone except the two of us. But it's still not cheating. Not really.
bentleychic Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 But if he had been intimate with her, I would have felt betrayed ONLY if there was an agreement that there would be no intimacy between anyone except the two of us. I agree completely.
Realist3 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 No, not at all. They are in the same bed every night. They are going to have sex. Here is the thing, while she says it is out of duty, she still strongly seeks it from me.
Rollercoaster Rider Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 In the high of our affair...I had MOM tell me that if he had sex with his wife, he felt like he was cheating on me. He told me they had sex once a month, which to me I never asked and really didn't care to know. I never felt like he was cheating on me with her, that was his wife. He did harass me about BS and I having sex, especially when we went away together. Odd dynamic...
proseandpassion Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 My MM has sex with his wife, and sometimes it bothers me, but I knew it going into this, so it's part of the package, as someone said above. If he were sleeping with another OW, though, I'd feel betrayed - especially since he has begged me not to see any other men. 1
cocorico Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 do most ow/om feel like your ap is cheating on you with their spouses? It would depend on the agreement between the partners. If the MM had promised the OW he would be sexually exclusive with her, then presumably she would consider it a betrayal if he allowed the BW access to his body - just the same way a BW whose partner has promised her sexual exclusivity often feels betrayed if that promise is broken. It is not about who has the "right" to make, or expect, such a promise. It is that a proem, freely made and given, which gets broken elicits a feeling of betrayal. Additionally, many WS transfer their primary love R to the AP, and so any sexual contact with the BS feels _to the WS_ like a betrayal of the primary love R. There are many WS on these boards who have reported this, and I saw it during our A, too. 1
oldshirt Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 ,the question is,is do most ow/om feel like your ap is cheating on you with their spouses? My recommendation is to not care one flying frog"s fat @ss what the OW thinks or feels. 3
Author snappytomcat Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 My recommendation is to not care one flying frog"s fat @ss what the OW thinks or feels. I love your advice old shirt,it was just my curious mind
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