egalew Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 For those of you who have ended your relationship with your AP, either by a D-day or because the situation ran its course, how do you feel about him or her now? When you look back on your affair, what are your thoughts? Also, how long has it been since the affair ended?
MissBee Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 For me the A ended around 6 years ago, there was no dday. However, about 3 years after it ended we did get a chance to try at an open relationship, which also didn't end up working out. How do I feel about him? I will always have love for him, but there are lots of things I don't respect him for in terms of the A and that I came to realize were manipulative and self-serving. Some things that I didn't think much of while in the A, as I look back with more awareness and distance I'm like wtff??!! So that's what he was doing/meant etc. In our single R, it didn't last because I felt he displayed some of the same behaviors from the A, the main one being acting like his hands were tied when it came on to taking the initiative to do certain things. I also saw some cake-eating ways and avoidance. All of which do not work for me. While I will always have love for him and we had good times, and I don't harbor ill feelings towards him, I definitely do not romanticize and idealize him and see his flaws clearly and I feel like I can do better.
herself Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 My EA was 13 years. It fell apart a few days after Thanksgiving and then LC and us wavering trying to be friends which I now realize is impossible. NC for almost a month and will remain for life. I feel numb, hurt, betrayed, used but still miss him due to length of time we were associated I can't perfectly shut down feelings that quickly. Its too fresh to say how I feel toward him but mostly anger right now. 1
wanting more Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 My 3-1/2 yr A ended a year and a half ago after a 2nd d-day How do I feel about him now? Indifferent. For months after it ended I was so confused. Hurt. Lonely. Guilt ridden. (there was also a d-day with my BSO about 2 months after 2nd d-day with his BW). How could I have been so wrong about him? I believed him when he said he was leaving her. I believed him when he told me he loved me. After the 2nd d-day, xMM threw me under the bus and said horrible things about me. I couldn't believe it but I knew it was true. There was so much going on, end of the A and the end of my relationship with my BSO. I had one man who wanted to work things out with me that I didn't want and one that completely stopped talking to me that I wanted to work things out with. I think it was like a slap in the face when I realized that 3-1/2 yrs that I thought meant so much and would have a future actually was almost like a game to xMM. he had his family and happy life on one hand and then me on the other. My mind overtook my heart and made it clear he wasn't worth the crying and loneliness nor was he worth the hate I had for him. If took a while but then i got to the point of indifference. And I like that I feel that way. xMM contacted me months after d-day. Leading on that maybe we could start things up again. It didn't work. And I did see him about 3 months ago at an event for the industry we work in. He tried talking to me, kinda cornered me and I let him know there was nothing we needed to talk about and no need to speak again.
wasntlooking Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 My lasted 3 months NC initiated by me four months ago.....strict NC by both since......i ended it after we slept together partly because my feelings for him were so strong and because it was wrong period. Today i feel better than day one but i miss him dearly. I would love to be able to talk again with him but know it wont change and a waste of time. Im not mad at him, it ended well, we both know lifes timing is off and we should be together but somehow it got messed up. Maybe someday who knows but for now we both have families to take care of. There was no d day either. I miss him like crazy and dont knkw if it will ever go away but its better than day one.......baby steps.....
Lady2163 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 For those of you who have ended your relationship with your AP, either by a D-day or because the situation ran its course, how do you feel about him or her now? When you look back on your affair, what are your thoughts? Also, how long has it been since the affair ended? I was really trying to think of how many unavailable men I've been with. The number is depressingly high. 1) I despise the married man who seduced me when I was 16 and babysat his kids. 2) The married man who started divorce proceedings and then dumped me to reconcile with his wife back in 1989...he broke my heart...and today I never think about him. 3) I had a relationship with a man in the Philippines in 1987. We remained friends and pen pals until his death a few years ago. I miss my friend everyday. From 1985 to 1991 I had a lot of sex with married men. The number is probably close to 50. I rarely think of any of them. The memories are thankfully fuzzy. I don't know the last time I contacted any of them. Best guess is 2001, when I relocated back to my home state. I tracked down several of them to see if they were single. None were and I moved on. None have made any effort to reconnect with me.
Author egalew Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Why sex with so many married men? Were you deliberately seeking them out? 1
Lady2163 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Why sex with so many married men? Were you deliberately seeking them out? I know this is hard to believe, but at 16 years old, I had the sexual maturity of today's 12 year old. At that point in my life, I'd had exactly three hours of sex education in school - two hours of that would have been two different films on "what every girl can expect from her changing body". I'd never been kissed, never had a date. But I feared the dreaded "boys who blab". A married man sure as hell wasn't going to tell. Once again, kids today are a lot more savvy. I was seduced and manipulated. And it warped my development. Profoundly. You know how they say and science has proved your brain isn't fully matured until your early to mid 20s? I always figured I was stunted a couple of extra years. It isn't that I don't hold myself accountable for my actions during that time, but i don't think I was 'wide awake' in a lot of my personal decisions until my late 20s. I wouldn't say I was ever raped or assaulted, but I was coerced a few times. I just didn't know how to say, 'NO'. I was too worried about hurting THEIR feelings. I was too worried about consequences of rejection. Coercion, manipulation, seduction. Oftentimes victims can signal their next abuser by their actions. Regrettably, I was signaling married men that I was available. Don't ask me what I did, this is just an idea I have.
Recommended Posts