youcanever Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 My ex broke up with me 8 months ago. Told me to get out of her life. I was so in love with her. It was the biggest pain I have ever lived. I kept my promise, then 3 months later she contacted me as friend. I didn't refuse her because I still had feelings but I had girls in my life so I was better. She started writing me once a week. It started to disturb me. I told her to get out of my life. She said she is hurt etc. Anyway, I felt bad but moved on. Now it has been 4.5 months after that message and she contacted me again last week. Told me she is so sorry she lost me. She wants me back. I told her I don't want to have a relationship with her. But if she wants to just hang out and have casual sex, she is very welcomed. She said okay. We were going to meet lastnight at my place for dinner and casual sex. She told she can't do it 2 hours before meeting. She told, my past with other girls disturb her, she wants a normal relationship with me, not a FWB situation. Otherwise she will feel so bad for herself. She said if I want to meet her outside, she is okay with it. I said "no and I don't want a relationship. I hope you never contact me anymore. Adios!" She didn't reply. I felt good lastnight because it was over and I was glad I didn't meet her. But now I feel miserable and feel so bad because I wanted her only as a sex partner and it hurt her. I hate hurting people. I just want to apologise and move on or even maybe meet her. On the other hand I miss her, I want a relationship with her too but it scares me that she wil abandon me again and I will have same misery. I will get crazy when she is in another country to study for a whole year. Should I just apologise? I feel really down and it disturbs my mind so much.
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 You can: Either commit to having a full-on relationship with her, exclusively, and get counselling to find ways to trust her again (because if you go out with her again, she will have to earn your trust just as much as you will have to learn to forgive) or leave her alone, and go your separate ways and ignore all attempts at contact from now on. How old are you guys?
Author youcanever Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 You can: Either commit to having a full-on relationship with her, exclusively, and get counselling to find ways to trust her again (because if you go out with her again, she will have to earn your trust just as much as you will have to learn to forgive) or leave her alone, and go your separate ways and ignore all attempts at contact from now on. How old are you guys? I am 24 and she is 20. I know that if I have a relationship with her I will get hurt again. But I feel bad because I talked to her carelessly in this last week. I didn't care about her and was a little mean because of what she put me through. And invited her to my place only for sex. Should I just move on and not apologise? Would I feel better? Or feel worst because I will seem vulnerable in her eyes and she will get cold at me again?
TaraMaiden Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I am 24 and she is 20. Okay, I thought maybe you were in your teens.... I know that if I have a relationship with her I will get hurt again. Then don't engage with her at all.... there is no need. But I feel bad because I talked to her carelessly in this last week. I didn't care about her and was a little mean because of what she put me through. Vindictiveness and 'being bitchy' are not admirable qualities. You sacrificed your dignity to behave this way. Not cool... And invited her to my place only for sex. That's really quite stupid considering how emotionally involved you still are. Should I just move on and not apologise? Would I feel better? Or feel worst because I will seem vulnerable in her eyes and she will get cold at me again? How about looking at it the other way? How about apologising and being dignified, acting like a man and being mature. "I am sorry I said those things. I was only trying to hurt you because you hurt me. I can't think about going out with you again, because I am too hurt right now and afraid to trust you. Perhaps it's better we just don't speak any more, Please don't contact me again. When I feel better I might contact you, but it's not a good idea to put our lives on hold for each other. We both have some growing up to do. Take care." She is extremely young and far too young, certainly, to commit to a permanent relationship. Let her be, she deserves to live a little. You too. You're a bit older, but really, you need to think logically with your head, not your heart. A heart in pain will make you say stupid things. 3
Author youcanever Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Okay, I thought maybe you were in your teens.... Then don't engage with her at all.... there is no need. Vindictiveness and 'being bitchy' are not admirable qualities. You sacrificed your dignity to behave this way. Not cool... That's really quite stupid considering how emotionally involved you still are. How about looking at it the other way? How about apologising and being dignified, acting like a man and being mature. "I am sorry I said those things. I was only trying to hurt you because you hurt me. I can't think about going out with you again, because I am too hurt right now and afraid to trust you. Perhaps it's better we just don't speak any more, Please don't contact me again. When I feel better I might contact you, but it's not a good idea to put our lives on hold for each other. We both have some growing up to do. Take care." She is extremely young and far too young, certainly, to commit to a permanent relationship. Let her be, she deserves to live a little. You too. You're a bit older, but really, you need to think logically with your head, not your heart. A heart in pain will make you say stupid things. You are right. I should apologise. But on the other hand the images of her and new guy keeps coming to my mind and it hurts. At least I want her to know that I am doing okay without her. And if I apologise she will think I am a loser. Can't even stand on my words.
seekingpeaceinlove Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Forgive yourself, it's normal to lash out in anger when you're hurt. You've learned that acting an *ss made you feel like one, right? So, learn from this. If it were me, I would apologize for my behavior. You don't need to grovel but just say sorry. That's it. In the future, simply stay silent if she contacts you and if you don't want anything to do with her. It's not ok to treat someone badly even if they hurt you. You can't control others but you can control yourself. If you're provoked, hurt, angered... Walk away, stay silent, block her, and move on. Negative energy is always wasted energy IMO.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Two wrongs don't make a right. If she was ignorant and said to stay out of her life, then I would do just that. That means no FB friends or any of that stuff. Just move on and find someone else. I don't know why she would say something like that but I do know that everyone has the right to be angry but no one has the right to be ugly. Words can't be taken back. Once they roll off your tongue and hit the other person in their ear, they may forgive but those words will always be stuck in their memory bank. You both did that. If you don't feel like she's trustworthy then why keep her around. 1
Author youcanever Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Two wrongs don't make a right. If she was ignorant and said to stay out of her life, then I would do just that. That means no FB friends or any of that stuff. Just move on and find someone else. I don't know why she would say something like that but I do know that everyone has the right to be angry but no one has the right to be ugly. Words can't be taken back. Once they roll off your tongue and hit the other person in their ear, they may forgive but those words will always be stuck in their memory bank. You both did that. If you don't feel like she's trustworthy then why keep her around. I thank everyone of you who supported my question and give me ideas. I apologised, told her I was in that kind of mood because I still have feelings for her, and kind of not sure if she really wanted a real relationship. I am the same guy as before 8 months. Still caring about her and told her to remember that way also leave a peaceful goodbye for both of us. Told her to be always as cute as she was before. That is it. I feel peaceful right now. Maybe this feeling change tomorrow and I regret sending message due to my ego but **** the ego. I want to feel good longterm. Thanks for advices.
Author youcanever Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Actually i am writing this for myself to check it when i feel confused by my ex in future. It has been a 8 months journey and here are the highlights of my learned lessons. Oh and this is a list for you if you have been dumped and your heart shreaded. But i guess you can implement it if you are a dumper too. It is a very short list. I must add that when she broke up, she told me to get out of her life. Kept that promise and moved on. Then she contacted me couple of months later as a friend and started writing me but told she doesnt want a relationship. I told her to get out of my life. She said she is hurt, now she can move on, her karma is clean now. And after 4 more months, last week she contacted again. Told she is so sorry to lose me, she hasnt been with anyone for 8 months and wants me back, she changed. If i dont want, she will move on with her life. Because i still had a lil feelings i thought she really changed and told her to be my fwb not gf. She accepted but ditched me the day we were supposed to meet. I wrote and didnt even reply my messages. And i left one last nice message to feel peaceful and move on. Still no reply. So.. 1. To heal yourself you should absolutely go no contact. Do not write even a word. Started to feel more confident about myself and not writing to her gave me power and increased my self-respect. 2. Meet other girls, bang, makeout, have a new gf. It helps but what really help is self-improvement. Focus on yourself. Develop aspects in your life that you need to. Hit the gym, focus on career or studies. 3. If your ex contacts you, do not reply. It doesnt help anything at all. Delete message without reading. 4. People dont change. Do not hope that second chance will work. Behaviour of her that disturb you will always be there. It is not worth to keep them in your life. 5. If she contacted you and you reply her and things didnt go as well as you thought. She started to become annoying again. Do not send a nice message as i did and try to show her you are doing fine without her. Your silence and indifference will show it for you. Move on. Bottom line is, if a relationship ends and your heart broken, that person should be out of your lifr. No excuse. Otherwise it is only a prolonging pain you are giving to yourself. Focus on yourself, respect yourself and move on. Hope these little lessons help you too and you can implement into your life. 1
notthathard Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 4. People dont change. Do not hope that second chance will work. Behaviour of her that disturb you will always be there. It is not worth to keep them in your life. This might be targeted to your individual experience. People actually do change! A good example of this is many people here change themselves after a breakup once they realise what is wrong in the life or how they were acting in their relationship. Another good example is when you do something wrong in your job, your boss tells you what you did wrong. You then go and change that behavior or how you went about that task. People don't change overnight, but they do change when they want to or have to. 1
sportzhl24 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Yeah I agree. People change all the time. Everyday sometimes. We are all constantly learning and adapting to our surroundings.
Author youcanever Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Last week she contacted me after 4 months saying she is so sorry losing me and wants me back. I told her to be my fwb, she accepted but ditched the meeting day. Told she doesnt want fwb. I wrote her messages but she answered none of them. I feel worthless to be tricked into her game. So angry to her, want to write so bad things like how hard i ****ed her how slut she is. I am full of anger. My last message was that i want to have a relationship with her not fwb, and i miss her and loved her. And if she wont contact me i will always remember her with good memories.
notthathard Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 It sounds like you fell into her trap. She wanted to see if you were still into her, she got that and left again. Never mind mate, as you said you have good memories. If you take anything from the relationship take just that. Relationships come and go, if it was meant to be forever it would have been, but she left so it wasn't. You have been at LS since Jun 2013, now is the time to let that relationship go. There is a woman waiting out there for you, but until you let go and heal you won't experience them.
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