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Posted (edited)

I wrote the email to both he and his wife to thank for their family photo blessing card, it did hurt when I first saw the card in front me, but then I was thinking writing the thank you back to show that I am polite to their kindness.

 

then exMM wrote me back a mail without the wife on it, he said, he really love me and think about me everyday, he said life is complex and he don't want hurt his wife and kids, he said why I can't be his secret lover and try to be his wife friend and enjoy the life with him, at the same time he will let me find my future husband and once I want to leave him, he will accept it.

 

honestly I still love this man, although many things did happen, if single OW like me, would you accept his offer be the lover?

 

I know he is not going to divorce, my plan is let him company me until I find my real bf.

Edited by vanellope
Posted

No. 10 char.

  • Like 3
Posted

Are you kidding me? Hell no I wouldn't even entertain the offer. You might as well charge him a fee for prostitution because he's basically asking you to be his full time whore. Sorry but that's the way I see it

  • Like 7
Posted

Did he say "Why I can't be..." or "Why can't I be..." Huge difference.

  • Author
Posted

he asked me why I don't want to be his lover if I love him.

Posted
I wrote the email to both he and his wife to thank for their family photo blessing card, it did hurt when I first saw the card in front me, but then I was thinking writing the thank you back to show that I am polite to their kindness.

 

then exMM wrote me back a mail without the wife on it, he said, he really love me and think about me everyday, he said life is complex and he don't want hurt his wife and kids, he said why I can't be his secret lover and try to be his wife friend and enjoy the life with him, at the same time he will let me find my future husband and once I want to leave him, he will accept it.

 

honestly I still love this man, although many things did happen, if single OW like me, would you accept his offer be the lover?

 

I know he is not going to divorce, my plan is let him company me until I find my real bf.

 

Why are you considering this?

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted

Hi Rick, l will not have sex with him because I want to find my real bf and I can't sex with two man. I just want him company me emotionally.

  • Author
Posted

Hi Peak, because I love this man, I know it's silly but I can't control my feelings.

 

I can just control my behavior that I won't have sex with him, I just need the emotional part.

  • Author
Posted

I was not the girl two years ago, before I do really want to marry him, have his baby and build the life with.

 

I know all this is not possible and I am dating others now, but no one I am serious with.

 

I plan to leave MM when I find my bf.

Posted
Hi Peak, because I love this man, I know it's silly but I can't control my feelings.

 

I can just control my behavior that I won't have sex with him, I just need the emotional part.

 

 

Sorry, I don't understand the idea that one can't control their feelings. It is foreign to me. What ever feeling you feed you control. When I we want to feel powerful we do things that add to that power. Sorry I don't think I will ever understand someone gives all their control to feelings.

  • Like 3
Posted

You want to be this wifes friend? Forward the message to her.

  • Like 5
Posted

I can't for the life of me understand why you would accept his offer of making you his mistress indefinitely.

 

As long as you are involved with him, you will never be fully open to exploring a relationship with a single man. You need to give your heart a chance to heal before you can be emotionally available for another relationship. So the choice for you is: 1) get your occasional "quick fix" with the MM while hurting in between contact; or 2) go NC with MM and take time to heal so you can truly move on with your life.

 

Personally, I would take door number 2.

  • Like 6
Posted

Okay, I can see why you seem to be confused. The MM has you believing you can be friends with his wife....this will never happen. Now go back to the contact you have had with just his wife alone. She still has the video and if she catches you two again..she will make your life hell. You are playing with fire. He wants to use you for sex. He wants you to be his lover not his friend. Do you want to be used like that? He wants you to agree to provide him with sex and expect nothing in return. It doesn't seem like that is what you want.

  • Like 2
Posted

If I'm not mistaken in Spain it is culturally acceptable to have a mistress that the wife knows about, and in some cases be friends with. Several European countries have this tradition.

Posted

Oh gee. The guy sounds like a real peach. He has already disrespected your love for him so what makes you think he will be a true friend? I'd tell him to quit trying to fit you into to HIS dysfunctional life in a way that only benefits him and tell him to take a hike. He would probably hit on other women right in front of you disrespecting your feelings even more.

 

I'd say no way. This guy has issues and they will only end up leaving you feeling depressed and not good enough. You will never be able to be fully present and available for someone new while this guy is hanging around jerking your chain. Get him out of your life for good. His marriage is his problem not yours. Why do you think so little of yourself that you would be willing to be a couple's marital bandaid? Tell them to deal with their own problems and leave you alone.

 

Sheesh. Some people really have b*lls don't they?

  • Like 2
Posted
If I'm not mistaken in Spain it is culturally acceptable to have a mistress that the wife knows about, and in some cases be friends with. Several European countries have this tradition.

 

You are mistaken. I know this first-hand. I can't say much more to protect my identity.

  • Like 2
Posted

How about you stop for ONE second and really THINK about exactly what he asked you.

 

He wants you to be FRIENDS with his WIFE while the two of you carry on an affair?? Can you not see how selfish and pond scum this man is?? Can you imagine the level of HURT and BETRAYAL this woman would feel from both of you when she found out?? Cause eventually she would. Guaranteed. And you're ACTUALLY considering, not only lowering yourself to the status of "side chick", but you're also considering being a lying, deceiving, and false friend to the woman that took vows with this man and bore his children?? Besides his own selfishness and you're confused emotional state, what did SHE do to deserve this?

 

How about you put your own cloudy, self-absorbed feelings to the side, and put yourself in this woman's shoes and imagine how you would feel if your husband and someone you befriended did this to you. And you want to MARRY and have your own children with a man like this?? WAKE UP cause if you do end up having any sort of future with this man, you WILL find out how it feels.

  • Like 5
Posted

I also thought that Spain was one of those countries that had a "quiereda" type of system. Where the wealthy (or not so wealthy) often have a discreet mistress.

 

I know, it may sound completely awful and one step from prostitution for many people here, but this could be a cultural difference.

 

Not all betrayed spouses, not all wealthy people, not all European countries.

 

Remember the line from Analyze This? "She kisses our children with that mouth!"

 

Keeping in mind the cultural differences...uh...there could be a great benefit to you to be a mistress. I just don't think he is one who is going to spoil you materistically, which is often the crux of the benefit. Being given a car, the deed to a nice place to live, being supported financially. I think he just wants sex and that leaves you alone, without a spring board to a better life when the affair ends.

Posted
I wrote the email to both he and his wife to thank for their family photo blessing card, it did hurt when I first saw the card in front me, but then I was thinking writing the thank you back to show that I am polite to their kindness.

 

then exMM wrote me back a mail without the wife on it, he said, he really love me and think about me everyday, he said life is complex and he don't want hurt his wife and kids, he said why I can't be his secret lover and try to be his wife friend and enjoy the life with him, at the same time he will let me find my future husband and once I want to leave him, he will accept it.

 

honestly I still love this man, although many things did happen, if single OW like me, would you accept his offer be the lover?

 

I know he is not going to divorce, my plan is let him company me until I find my real bf.

 

No I wouldn't.

 

But when I was an OW I thought it made sense. So I guess now in hindsight and being on the outside it is obvious that this makes no sense, but to the person in the situation they convince themselves into it.

 

9/10 times an OW doesn't meet her "real husband" or "real bf" while being embroiled in an A with a MM. Sorry. It usually doesn't work like that, yet many OW believe this is an actual life plan. Like MM is a placeholder and your "real" husband or bf will come around and you'll date and then say bye to MM graciously. No. Most times the OW is so inlove and caught up with MM and treats him as her bf and thus even if she dates around she is emotionally unavailable to other men and usually compares them to MM and usually starts wanting more from MM. It is hardly ever the case that if you treat a MM as your boyfriend and if you love him that you can be his secret lover and still get a real single relationship. Unless MM is just a man you sleep with, like a booty call or FWB where you truly are not inlove with him and don't want to be with him, then that's maybe the only way you can meet someone else while messing with him, but so long as you're expressing love and treat him like your boyfriend, you won't. So no...it's not a good plan and you shouldn't agree.

 

You especially shouldn't agree to being friends with his wife. This guy is really something else. Please get away from these people. Yes it hurts and you "love" him but trust me, with time life goes on and you get over it.

  • Like 4
Posted
Hi Peak, because I love this man, I know it's silly but I can't control my feelings.

 

I can just control my behavior that I won't have sex with him, I just need the emotional part.

 

:confused:

 

The emotional part is worse actually.

 

Hardly anyone has gotten caught up and hurt if they've just been having sex with a married guy that they have no feelings for or emotional investment in.

 

The emotional attachment is what causes the hurt and drama. Using him emotionally will get you hurt, it already has and NOTHING has changed. The sex part isn't what counts.

 

Please don't use a MM as an emotional crutch.

  • Like 3
Posted

Wow. Just wow. You obviously have no self esteem or self worth - and I'm not judging or saying that negatively - my MM left me in the same state. It's amazing how they can twist who we truly are inside.

I have to admit that at one point, I was having delusional thoughts that if we were honest with his W, things would be better, that it would erase the guilt he had that was turning him in to such a jerk to me. She would understand...I could make her see things as they were - that mm and I were friends who cared deeply for one another, but we would never have the kind of love she had with him. That he loved her and their family with all his heart...and that I was just providing things he can't get at home....but we have never slept together, so I'm no threat to their marriage.

We both understood what our relationship meant....she never would.

 

 

I got over that delusion very quickly - you need to do the same.

Several weeks ago his W was threatening to sue you because she found pics he had taken without your knowledge. You were advised not to sign anything, not to put anything in writing, to say nothing to her. Instead, you wrote her a letter apologizing for having an affair with her H. So, now she has her written proof.

Do you honestly believe she sent you a photo of their happy little family because she forgives you and wants to be friends ? Or, geeze....you think maybe she sent it to rub it in your face???? To try to hurt you back ?!

 

 

And now, all of a sudden....thinks are wonderful, he loves you and can't live without you. His wife doesn't hate you any more and you can all be friends. You only want the emotional part....he only wants to be able to have sex with you without any emotional drama.

 

 

Find the strength to stop talking to either of them. It is the most painful thing you will ever do...trust me on that one. But....you need to get away from this situation now...they both have big time issues and you don't need to be dragged along for the ride.

  • Like 4
Posted
I wrote the email to both he and his wife to thank for their family photo blessing card, it did hurt when I first saw the card in front me, but then I was thinking writing the thank you back to show that I am polite to their kindness.

 

then exMM wrote me back a mail without the wife on it, he said, he really love me and think about me everyday, he said life is complex and he don't want hurt his wife and kids, he said why I can't be his secret lover and try to be his wife friend and enjoy the life with him, at the same time he will let me find my future husband and once I want to leave him, he will accept it.

 

honestly I still love this man, although many things did happen, if single OW like me, would you accept his offer be the lover?

 

I know he is not going to divorce, my plan is let him company me until I find my real bf.

 

NO! I wouldn't accept his crappy offer!

 

In fact, I would forward his email to his wife - so she can understand what a scumbag she's married to!

  • Like 2
Posted

If you didn't lose all shred of respect for this man taping you in a sex act, without your permission, then YOU have no self-respect!

 

You're going to do this and we'll scrape you off the pavement when his wife sends something raunchy about you to your friends and family.

  • Like 5
Posted
I was not the girl two years ago, before I do really want to marry him, have his baby and build the life with.

 

I know all this is not possible and I am dating others now, but no one I am serious with.

 

I plan to leave MM when I find my bf.

 

V, please don't go there with him. He has shown you his true self, he has disrespected you and his wife. As long as you are tied to him emotionally you will struggle dating. Go NC, be.strong. You deserve so much more. You need to love yourself. LOVE YOURSELF AND WALK AWAY FROM THIS MESS!!!!

Posted

Remember how that MM selfishly took videos of you, and then didn't even protect them well enough so that his wife, who is out for blood, wouldn't find them? And then remember how he didn't even really care about the mess that caused you but instead threw you under the bus?

  • Like 1
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