Bizarre date story

[ktya]

Ok so met this girl. She is a mom, divorced, two kids. We talk on the phone for a few weeks then connect for a date, goes well. Then she has me come over to her house, kids are at granparents place for the night. Great sex, we get up in the morning call in sick hang out and have drinks all day, more great sex, frank open talk. She calls me every night before she goes to bed. Girl is super hot.

 

Few more hookups she goes out and buys me all this stuff. Cologne that matches her perfume, shoes, clothes. I ask her what i owe she says nothing my love. Im seeing her and another girl and ive been honest and things are going so well that im inches from asking her to go exclusive.

 

We have incredible sex, she is the hardest girl to get to O ive ever been with (normally i score 6-12 on the first round), i actually get her off during intercourse.

 

Night goes well enough, we start talking about the school system. My ex had a kid and i had to deal with it and i was explaining how the teachers brains are blown out because of so many individualized education plans so if your kid needs extra help you gotta take matters into your own hands dont rely on the teachers or the school system. She disagrees and starts taking it personal and i try to calm it down by explaining that im just really politically engaged. I try to switch the topic.

 

Later we go to bed and just as we get hot and heavy again she starts balling her eyes out, crying, talking about her divorce and some guy who knocked her up and disappeared leaving her to go through the abortion herself. I try to calm her down, hold her she pushes me away and goes into the bathroom for a while. Comes back, i get up and hold her she tells me she would normally walk away now that ive seen her like this but that im special so she wont. The crying ebbs and flows. She alternates between letting me hold her and pushing me away blurting out sht like "you guys are all the same".

 

Eventually the sobbing mellows out, i tell her im going to get up for a bit, she needs to get up early and i need to spin down to fall asleep. She accuses me of planning on leaving her, i reassure her and leave my clothes in her room and go sit on her couch in my underwear, text my ex gf (were friends) asking for some help in what to make of this gong show. She gives me some advice but its late and can only relay so much through text and calling her was out of the question.

 

Next morning girl is somewhat cold. Again comes up how she would normally just walk away but im special so she wont. I try to explain to her she needs to not bottle up these feelings, talk to me, your mom, a therapist, something. Then after hanging out for a while its time for me to go and she wants me to stay (bear in mind this was now the second morning in a row i woke up at her place). Given the previous night im ready to just go home. She says lets have an afternoon nap and sex. I make up something about being responsible for my animals and she drops me off. She kisses me full on as i get out of the car.

 

Now before you go "DaMAGED GOODS!" which im sure some of you will, she admitted to being damaged early on.

 

Im not sure if the weird behavior is because shes falling for me and is scared of being hurt like in the past, or if shes just stocked up on crazy.

 

I spent the day thinking about it and texting with her. Luckily the other girl im seeing went out on a date and totally didnt like the guy, showed up ripped her clothes off and wanted to just cuddle all night. No drama or crying with that one.

 

Any thoughts? I like the girl she is pretty cool, rockstar in bed, body of a porn star. I didnt get around to going exclusive with all the crying (thank god) so its still casual dating. Just the behavior is getting weird. On the 8th time sleeping with her to have her ball her eyes out and cry about these tragic experiences with previous men and mix into the blubber how special i am is hard to decrypt.

[TaraMaiden]

What do you want, exactly?

[ktya]

What do you want, exactly?

 

Im trying to figure out whats going on. She was so nice buying me all this crap and then in the same day falls into this episode. Looking for opinions.

 

My ex says i suffer from white knight syndrome and that i should probably walk and get serious with the other girl im seeing because she seems more stable.

 

I really like them both, but this episode threw me for a total loop. I dont like to give up on people because they have a bad day, were all human. Dont want to be with another crazy like my ex either

[StanMusial]

I missed the "date" portion. Where did you take her?

[ktya]

I missed the "date" portion. Where did you take her?

 

First date was at a restaurant. The other dates were at her place ordering delivery

[Grumpybutfun]

I don't know how old you are or your maturity level so I will go at to his from the vantage point of what you described in this one post since I don't think I have read anything by you before. This woman is starting to get attached to you. She has been through some major life transitions with an ex husband and two small children. She is carrying around baggage that has baggage inside of it. She has been hurt and disappointed and when she felt herself start to attach to you she couldn't keep it deep down inside due to emotions and it exploded. You say this hookup is casual and you are honest about this to her but from her actions and her outburst, I think she is looking for a Prince Charming to fix her life and make up to her what she feels she didn't get from previous relationships. You sound like you are in for a casual sexual relationship and since you didn't say much about who she and what she believes aside from getting upset with you about your views on education politics, I think you like to bang her and it is fun. For her, she is interviewing you for her future and trying to view you as that Prince Charming. I am not trying to be harsh but she needs to deal with some of that bitterness and anger before she gets serious with anyone. You may be getting way over your head with someone who needs major healing, stability and steadiness. You two are not compatible.

There isn't a bridge made that could close the he gap between what you want and what she needs. You sound like a great guy who just wants to date someone and have fun as expressed by your ability to just go get in bed with your other gf after this blow up happened. She sounds like someone who needs A man who can help her heal and put to rest some of the ghosts from her past. Not compatible. Might be best if you let her go.

Good luck,

Grumps

[TaraMaiden]

I suggest you sit her down and ask her exactly what she wants from a relationship.

Go to a neutral location - not your place, not hers.... somewhere 'public' but secluded, like a cafe, or a park...

 

Lay your cards on the table.

Tell her exactly what your friend said - but couch it in terms of "people have told me I have 'white Knight' syndrome...." and tell her what your tendencies are, but remind her about this other girl too...

 

How serious are you getting with her?

Can you see yourself becoming more committed in either case?

 

I think you need to determine in your mind, what kind of a relationship you definitely want, then find out from her what she feels she needs.

 

If she's a bird with a broken wing, it's not always a good idea to wilfully adopt the position of 'vet wing-mender'...

 

You are not a therapist, and there's no reason why you should be, or she should expect you to be.

Partners actually make terrible 'therapists' because the responsibility becomes personal - and so do their anxieties, and problems. They hang them on YOU to shoulder. And if things then go wrong, why....! Of course YOU'RE to blame....!

 

Think of how much you want this, or need it, right now.

 

If 'men always leave her'... do they have a point....?

[StanMusial]

First date was at a restaurant. The other dates were at her place ordering delivery

 

I know this is not easy to do, but take out all of the sex stuff and ask yourself is this someone you want to deal with in your life.

[ktya]

Well i broke up with my ex three months ago and i was gloriously happy about it and went nuts dating. I narrowed down the field to two girls i really like and this girl was one of the two.

 

Im kind of getting tired of just dating now and want a bit more. Not ready to get into cohabitation yet with anyone again but it would be nice to have something a bit deeper. Im ready to go exclusive and take the next baby step. Ive been dating two girls seeing one 3-4 nights a week and the other 3-4 nights a week which if you add it up means i only get a night "off" by fluke.

 

I was doing my own thoughts and figured that i would be more comfortable with this girl given how open and frank our conversations are and how relaxed we are together. That was before this meltdown however.

 

My own experience and maturity? Im 37 have been engaged once in an 9 year relationship have had a slew of others ranging from 4 years to 3 months.

 

Grumps has a point in that she may be falling for me hard and scared to death that its going to blow up in her face. This girl is so sweet making me homemade lunches for work when i stay over on a weeknight the whole gambit. She alluded in a text afterwards that she falls hard and tries so hard to take care of everything but that method hasnt worked for her in the past so she is trying to stop.

 

TBH the talk about the education system was weird, i was actually taking her side of the matter and it just seemed lkke she was trying to take it oppositional.

[Radu]

I met one like this last yr, thank God i listened to my gut [formed through reading LS and looking back in life] and walked away from the disaster.

 

The good sex, the fantastic looks, the gifts, you need to get them all as a part of something greater.

And that part is of her desire to have you in her life.

This is the moment when your ego should rise, so i'm gonna tell you, it's not a good thing.

It is an extreme version of the ideal person we put out there for others to see, when we try to atract, and this is why your ex-gf warned you about her.

It's normal to improve yourself a little when you are trying to attract, but for this woman, it sounds like it was over the top.

It became over the top, when this divorced mother of 2 bought you gifts.

And it doesn't sound like they were expensive gifts.

That has a double role, both to present an ideal image of her, and to guilt-trip you a little in a passive-agressive way [she won't mention it, but every decent man counts this stuff and feels some guilt].

 

But what happened next is what is even more worrisome.

The emotional push-pull, that pretty much proves she has massive baggage after her.

And i do not believe that her baggage comes solely from the point of view of a victim; maybe she was once one, but i doubt it she is now.

 

She is looking for a white-knight, as your ex said, but beyond this she has serious issues with men.

Even if she was great and did not have these problems, the two children might be a deal-breaker anyway.

Together ... it's a totally different order of magnitude.

 

Do not walk away, run away.

Do not feel guilt over her, she is incredibly damaged goods.

[Radu]

My own experience and maturity? Im 37 have been engaged once in an 9 year relationship have had a slew of others ranging from 4 years to 3 months.

 

Grumps has a point in that she may be falling for me hard and scared to death that its going to blow up in her face. This girl is so sweet making me homemade lunches for work when i stay over on a weeknight the whole gambit. She alluded in a text afterwards that she falls hard and tries so hard to take care of everything but that method hasnt worked for her in the past so she is trying to stop.

TBH the talk about the education system was weird, i was actually taking her side of the matter and it just seemed lkke she was trying to take it oppositional.

 

She is doing her best to hook you in, the argument is how your relationship with her will be forever.

It won't matter what side you will take, the quest is not to debate, but to win arguments [in general, not an argument in specific].

 

She will feel safe only when you completely and constantly start validating her point of view, no matter what that is.

[ZackSteele]

@ktya

 

Sounds like amazing sex! lol

 

Thats to be expected with these type's of girls though

(not judging, just previous experiences tends to dictate)

 

However,

What you have to be careful about here is this:

 

1.) You have to portray yourself to her in a way that your just "the cool guy"

or "sex partner"

 

2.) You can Not be painting her a type of "consoling guy" picture

 

These type of single mom girls are looking for that type of "provider" that can come into their life and fix, and/or, help out the current situation

[CarrieT]

Baggage aside, everything you describe is way too much way too early; gifts? Meeting the family? Stuff like that shouldn't happen for four to six months and *after* you have agreed to exclusivity. You did none of that.

 

And the incredible sex? That rarely lasts as it is obvious you are in the honeymoon stage.

 

I would step back and reassess who she is, what she is, and what the BOTH of you want long-term. Sounds like she doesn't know either and is grasping at the first nice guy to come along.

[ktya]

One thing i was also finding weird was that she refuses to come to my place. I havent met her kids, they were always overnighting at her parents or on daddy night when ive come over, but she says she wants to stay in the area in case something comes up. But if were drinking she cant drive anyway and i doubt anything too terrible is going to pop up that the extra 15-20 mins would make much difference.

 

The gifts were actually pretty expensive. Bottle of armani cologne (male verson of the perfume she wears so we could match) brand new pair of running shoes, a nice top and a pair of designer pants. Initially seeemed like she was just being nice because my running shoes were old, but then didnt let me oay her for them. I was entirely surprised at the pants top and cologne.

 

Being just before her period i thought that maybe hormones might be at play or something. Which is why i texted my ex to try to decrypt wtf was going on. The previous dates were nothing like thursday night. That meltdown of epic proportions just came right out of left field.

[FitChick]

Let me take a wild guess here: If she didn't have a porn star body, would this thread have even progressed beyond 'I had a wild one night stand with a crazy chick'?

[ktya]

Yes actually. We have a lot in common we even lived in the same building at the same time, used to hang out in similar social circles, do the same crazy stuff when we were in our 20s, and have similar business interests. The porn star body and sex made her absolutely irresistable on top of all of that stuff. Talking to her has been nice, feels like im hanging out with a very old friend. We skipped work one day and just hung out bull****ting drinking and after even 20 hours together didnt feel like it was time to end things and get back to normal life. She scores 97-100% on her exams i saw the papers when she was looking for something so shes not only screaming hot but also very smart and fiercely independent.

 

I thought that i hit the jackpot but that one night was so f-ing bizarre i just dont get it. We were naked and about to go at it when it started with he crying and push pull

[Poppygoodwill]

I think it's moving really quickly and that she is trying - probably unconsciously - to make herself invaluable to you so that you will stick around. The sex. The gifts. The pulling you so close so quickly.

 

That probalby means she has cripplingly low self esteem and lives in fear the she will be unloved unless she makes herself useful. A result, perhaps, of her hard times.

 

Which means she believes, at the heart of it, that no matter how loving and reassuring and into it you seem to be, at any moment she will be discovered as 'unlovable'...you'll have an AHA! moment when you realize she's not worth the trouble and then walk out the door. So she lives in fear of abandonment.

 

All this tracks with the instability of sudden extreme outbursts of that sort of pull-pull emotion, and drama.

 

She probably can't help herself.

 

I'm not saying she's a bad person, or that she doesn't deserve your time and attention. But buyer beware, my friend. She has shown you the lay of the land.

 

If this drama is a result of her getting attached to you and her growing insecurities, then *this is just the beginning of the drama*. The more attached, the mroe drama.

 

Be sure you're up for it before you carry on. Otherwise you will just be a guy who proves her own sad point by leaving her a few weeks or months down the road becuase you've run out of energy to reassure her and deal with her self-imposed drama.

[ktya]

I had a BPD girlfriend once. Not the same as this but maybe some similarities. BPD girls (people i guess) live in fear of abandonment. Maybe BPD?

 

The bpd girl i was with a while back made it super magic, it felt like i was walking on sparkles for the first few months. Not that way with this girl but she sure does treat me well, sans the meltdown.

[TheBlingRing14]

You know the old adage, "Show me a team with two quarterbacks, and I'll show you a team with no quarterbacks."

 

I think you get the analogy.

 

I think the fact that it is so difficult for you to decide, that you like both of them, like sex with both of them, and have to come on here for help to make the decision shows that you don't really care about either of them.

 

If you truly cared about, and I mean head over heels crazy about can't live without, either of them, you'd be able to cut things off with the other one in a heartbeat. You'd cut things off, and wouldn't even give it a second thought. The fact that you are second guessing which one you should be with, probably means you shouldn't be with either of them.

[SYLLPalmer]

I had a BPD girlfriend once. Not the same as this but maybe some similarities. BPD girls (people i guess) live in fear of abandonment. Maybe BPD?

 

The bpd girl i was with a while back made it super magic, it felt like i was walking on sparkles for the first few months. Not that way with this girl but she sure does treat me well, sans the meltdown.

 

I will just throw this out there for your consideration.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder simply because you mentioned her period.

 

The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts.

 

Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:

 

No interest in daily activities and relationships

Fatigue or low energy

Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts

Feelings of tension or anxiety

Feeling out of control

Food cravings or binge eating

Mood swings with periods of crying

Panic attacks

Irritability or anger that affects other people

Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain

Problems sleeping

Trouble concentrating

 

This is a very rare disorder. 3-8% of the population of menstruating women experience it. It is a serious as syphilis BUT can also be treated. Link and post FYI in case you would like to explore.

[FitChick]

The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. This is a very rare disorder. 3-8% of the population of menstruating women experience it. It is as serious as syphilis BUT can also be treated.

 

Do you even know what syphilis is?

 

Sounds like bad PMS, in which case it can be treated by balancing the hormones. Not a big deal. It may be as simple as using progesterone cream from Whole Foods.

[Radu]

I had a BPD girlfriend once. Not the same as this but maybe some similarities. BPD girls (people i guess) live in fear of abandonment. Maybe BPD?

 

The bpd girl i was with a while back made it super magic, it felt like i was walking on sparkles for the first few months. Not that way with this girl but she sure does treat me well, sans the meltdown.

 

Poppy said it better than i could have.

 

OP, there are 2 separate issues here, that may or may not be related.

1 - single mothers of 2 kids are not exactly known to have lots of disposable income.

You probably have an idea of her financial situation, so where did the money come from ... and why didn't it go to the kids ?

2 - her possibly hysterical bonding and the fact that it may be an indicator of abandonment issues.

Her blowout hints at this possibility.

 

In my case, she had 2 kids, the gifts were mostly symbolic in my case [insanely low value], but they were followed the next day by her mentioning money problems and mounting legal problems.

I believed her on the legal problems, i knew what she was talking about, but she was desperately looking for a white knight.

She was slightly older than me, and better looking and in better overall shape than many 18yr olds.

At the time i was reading a lot into BPD, and i dropped some hints about her ex-husband; she ended up describing him ... she was married to this guy for almost a decade, and he was probably pretty strong on the spectrum.

I don't think she had it, but after a decade with a guy like that ... you have to wonder about things.

 

Funny stuff, after she realized i had my own issues [i made sure to point them out as a way of escaping the situation], i was moved into the friendzone.

And that's when i found about the drug-dealer bf who is doing hard prison time, and who was supporting her ... obviously completely innocent. She had his picture as her wallpaper; this while she was playing me.

I was sooooooo happy when i found out.

 

PS: I remember hearing her actually say 'money is not that important to me, i do everything for my friends' when it came to something concerning a few dollars ... only to later complain about her financial situation.

[SYLLPalmer]

Do you even know what syphilis is?

 

Sounds like bad PMS, in which case it can be treated by balancing the hormones. Not a big deal. It may be as simple as using progesterone cream from Whole Foods.

Actually yes. I am a pharmacist. It is a figure of speech. People have a tendency to minimize the morbidity of hormonal swings. This is why I say it is as serious as Syphilis. I could go on about why I like this phrase and find it fitting by running threw the stages of Syphilis. Instead I will use the example of babies born to mothers with syphilis because it will suffice and it is quicker to explain. Babies born to mothers with syphilis suffer from what is known as Hutchinson Triad: saddle nose, serrated teeth and low mentation. I would say it is serious.

 

BTW. PMDD is clinically different than PMS. And the treatment is not progesterone cream.

[lollipopspot]

Ive been dating two girls seeing one 3-4 nights a week and the other 3-4 nights a week which if you add it up means i only get a night "off" by fluke.

 

Do they both know that you're seeing the other one that much?

 

That may be at least part of what is making her a bit crazy. If she's attaching to you, but you are sleeping with someone else 3 days/week, that can bring out a lot of insecurity.

 

The gifts are not really a problem I think. Was it $150 worth of stuff? $200? Someone can spend that on their date for a really nice evening out. I like to be generous with my partner too, and there are no strings behind it.

 

Anyway, that night sounds very intense and I would sit down and explain exactly where you are with everything, and find out what she is hoping for. I would not like being held up against the standard of a bunch of bad partners, I'd wonder if the person would be looking for me to fail too.

[ktya]

Well on the upshot she was talking to me by text about how i had booked a hotel room for my stepdaughter as a present and she asked nicely if i could shoot her some $ for the stuff because she realized she is lower on funds than she thought. So i zapped her $280 for the shoes pants shirt and cologne she figured that was a fair number and she has it now.

 

At least now i dont have to worry about feeling guilty