rollercoaster of contact, no contact- 8 year relationship broken

[allcriedout1]

My ex broke up with me suddenly after over 8 years together the middle of October, I am 45 he is 49. I went to his house for our usual Friday night hang out. Before I got there he asked if I would pick up potato chips. I said you want me to go to the store. He texted back, "I have to ask?" Then I asked if he had any dip and no response. I walked into his house with 2 bags of chips, no dip and asked again, do you have dip then he just unloaded on me for an hour straight telling me how unimportant I make him feel, how he hasn't been happy, calling me selfish, manipulative, etc... It caught me WAY off guard. I sat there the entire hour bawling my eyes out because I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Then I left his house. I didn't hear from him Sat, Sun, or Mon. I came home from work on Tues and on my kitchen counter was a break up letter and my house key. I was devastated. His letter was more of the same, which was he didn't feel like I treated him like he was important. That he was tired of people making him feel that way. That he felt like the fool, he had wanted to break up with me for the past 4 years but didn't want to hurt me so that's why he kept putting it off. That the time spent with me was the better part of his life. None of it made sense to me. I know he is not cheating on me. That is not the case here. So of course I did the whole, email him that same day saying that I didn't understand and telling him how important he was to me. I heard nothing back from him. I texted him that weekend that I missed him and he said "I don't mean to sound like a jerk but dragging it out is not going to make it any easier" So then I went NC.

 

About 10 days after the break up, tragedy hit my family. My youngest son attempted suicide. My friend told my ex and of course he texted me to say we were in his thoughts and prayers. While I was out of state with my son, I turned to my ex via email for support (after all he had been my support for 8 years and we were newly broken up) but I didn't really receive any support from him. So I went NC again. Then after 15 days NC, he texts asking how my son was doing. That opened the contact via text flood gates again. I tried to get him to see me so we could talk in person but he wouldn't. I left him alone again then he contacts me day before Thanksgiving to say, "hope you have a good holiday". Flood gate of contact opens up for me again... again more of the same. I send him a text telling him how much I miss him... more of the same from him. Then I go NC, a week passes and I get a "hey" from him. Here we go again... then that Monday he said he thinks we should get together to talk, that we owe it to one another because we were important to each other, to talk with no expectations. So I saw him Friday, Dec 20th but it was more of the same on his end. I didn't cry this time but he cried a few times. As I was leaving I said I love you and he was crying and said I love you too. I texted him the next morning saying that there were other things I wish I would have said to him and told him no need to respond. Later that night he texts asking me if I want to go to breakfast the next morning. I go and we go to "our" place, a special place we always went together for breakfast about 40 miles from home. We had a good time and I even watched the football game with him later that day (dec 22). I asked at the end of the day, what does all of this mean and he said "we are just hanging out as friends" I read too much into it and once again I was devastated. I told him I couldn't be "just friends" so I guess we have to go no contact.

 

I end up contacting him again beginning of January after 10 days NC, I wrote him a long email. He wrote back telling me that I was taking on too much of the blame and we both got us to where we are now and the point of complacency. He said, "maybe we can hang out on Friday and talk" I wrote back but I didn't mention Friday and 30 minutes after I sent the email he texted me "so are we getting together on Friday" So I said yes, he asked if I had curry lately. That is the my favorite thing that he makes. So I went there, he had my favorite meal and even had wine. I thought wine meant I was staying as I wouldn't be drinking and driving. I reach for a second glass and he says "are you going to be okay to drive" I felt like an idiot. I left his house crying that night. But I end up going to his house on Sunday for the championship football game. Uncomfortable because I want to be more than friends but it was just watching the game as friends. I didn't hear from him for a week. I text him that I missed him on Tuesday. He calls me right away, said I thought you were okay with just being friends... then I tell him how stupid I felt about the dinner/wine night... and then he tells me that he loves me but isn't in love me. He doesn't love me like a boyfriend/girlfriend love. I said so you would rather be alone than with me and he said Yes. That was just this past Tuesday. I know I have to remain NC to heal. My conclusion, he is depressed going through a midlife crisis. He talks about not being happy with his life. He had mentioned thinking of his mortality a lot lately and turning 50 this year. The Friday we got together for dinner he was talking about all of that. Thanks for reading this, I know its long... so 3 and a half months post breakup and what a rollercoaster... too much contact I know. The longest we went NC was 15 days and that was in November. I do wonder if he is going to contact me again.

 

Anyone dealing with something similar? Have a depressed ex going through midlife crisis because I believe that is whats going on here? He wants contact with me only as friends because he has no one else to talk to, but I cant be just friends after over 8 years together.

[allcriedout1]

Forgot to mention that on Tuesday when we last talked he said that this sucks because he always thought I would be the one he spent the rest of his life with. Why does he say things like this? Just really hurt and confused and definitely in denial... I still cant believe this is happening.

[allcriedout1]

Today marks 20 days NC, the longest since the break up on Oct. 15th. The past two days I have been ruminating about him a lot. I know I need to stop that and hope to be able to continue this NC. Its so hard!

[Kopite]

I really feel for you allcriedout. The situation is terrible. It's hard to do the NC thing for sure, especially after being so long together. Just remember how horrible you feel each time you've been with him lately. How the doubt eats at you each time. It's really not healthy. I can't give you much advice except hang in there and stay strong. Take care of your son.