Wayward_wanderer Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Hey all, So, I'm in need of some advice. I recently met a girl from OKCupid. We've been on 3 dates over the past 3 weeks. I would like to think the first two went pretty well, and the most recent one a few days ago went good enough, though it was just a brief meal date, until we can set up a time for a more full date like the other 2 were (we're both pretty busy people) - It did end (and start) w/kisses, and a "see you when I get back!" from her (going on a short vacation). Part of me is a little worried about her general interest level though. Generally speaking, we communicate every few days or so, mainly via text, but nothing daily. Over the last week or so though, she's seemed less talkative/there's been a little less communication overall, so I've kind of just backed off a bit/dismissed it as being busy. That, and she also still logs in to her OKC fairly regularly (But has been since we met, and I don't expect that to end so soon anyway!) - This, despite what seemed like a positive recent meet-up/her hopefully wanting to see me again? I suspect that she's either just playing the field for now/seeing others too, and/or taking things slow (with more emphasis on the likelihood of the former). I'm currently not/have only been dating her, but I understand the concept of "circular" dating, and how it's generally a normal thing, so I don't really have an issue w/it, at least early on when you're just getting to know someone. She hasn't said anything about this, and I haven't asked, but I've basically been playing it cool (especially around her) the whole time so far, to keep things civil. What should I do? Is this just one of those situations I'm going to have to sit and watch how it plays out? Obviously, I'm developing a sincere interest in this gal, but I don't want to screw things up - Nor do I want to waste too much time barking up the wrong tree, and get hurt. Do I need to just sit tight for now? Or is it ok to ask about any of these things yet? Or worse, is this just a sinking ship already? Thanks for any advice!
BradJacobs Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 She hasn't said anything about this, and I haven't asked, but I've basically been playing it cool (especially around her) the whole time so far, to keep things civil. And what if she's doing the same? By that I mean playing it cool around you in order to keep things "civil"? Cool to me is taking the shot and accepting the risk that you'll either win or lose. Uncool is pretending everything is fine when you want something to change. Good luck. 1
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Well, based on more analysis of the situation, I've determined that there's most likely been a drop off in her interest level since when we first met, but I blame that on possible over-communicating between dates early on (Maybe every few days is still too often? Although she initiated it at times). Although our most recent meet-up several days ago seemed to go well enough, with her expressing that she'd see me again when she returns from her trip, I'm being cautious now. I shot her a brief "have fun while out of town" text at the end of this last week to no response. She usually responds to such things. It's whatever if she's busy, but I'm more inclined to believe that I'm coming off as a bit too eager/not enough of a challenge, and need to back off, so I've just left it alone for now and filled my time with other things. Does it sound like I'm on thin ice w/her, or have I blown it? Should I act less interested/eager if/when she finally does get back to me? Hoping I haven't blown it yet, but am thinking about looking for other women to date just in case...lol
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 Hey all, I recently made another thread similar to this, but the situation has changed, for worse (I think). Recently met a gal for a first date (a little over 3 weeks ago), things went well. Met up w/her the following weekend for a follow up-date, and things also went well. We didn't see each other the following weekend, due to her being busy (she did tell me what she was up to w/out me asking about it), but kept in semi-regular contact (every few days). We met up for a short date late last week (she initiated the idea, I set things up), and she is currently out of town w/close friends, so I haven't heard much from her (but have left her alone). My concerns? We met through OLD, so I would imagine I'm not the only one in the picture. She just seems a bit less eager/interested over the last week/week + a few days or so (took 3 days to respond to my last (brief) text, which was sent days after we previously saw each other - ), though the last date did end w/goodbye kisses and her saying "see you when I get back!". Personally, I sense a lost interest, but she just won't be up front about it, is unsure about me, or maybe just wants to score another free lunch out of me or two before disappearing for good. I'd like to wish I'm wrong, but I'm not holding high hopes. Is there anything I can do to re-kindle the interest? (ignore her if she does contact me again?), is this a sinking ship I should abandon now? Or am I just over-thinking things?
PegNosePete Posted February 5, 2014 Posted February 5, 2014 My concerns? We met through OLD, so I would imagine I'm not the only one in the picture. What, so girls you meet in bars become exclusive immediately? am I just over-thinking things? More than likely, yes. This may be a weird unconventional, out of the box, strange idea, but... did you maybe try talking to her? 3
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 5, 2014 Author Posted February 5, 2014 What, so girls you meet in bars become exclusive immediately?LOL. I like the way you put it. But OLD seems to encourage more of a "the grass is greener..." mentality with some people too. More than likely, yes. This may be a weird unconventional, out of the box, strange idea, but... did you maybe try talking to her?I haven't bothered to say anything about it to her at all, mainly out of fear of looking like a total wuss/needy. Between that, and due to the short amount of time I've known her, the last thing I want to be doing is coming off that way, and/or putting pressure on her.
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 7, 2014 Author Posted February 7, 2014 Update - Pretty sure my fears are confirmed on this one - Last I heard from her was a brief text 3 nights ago checking in from her trip asking how my week was starting (and that was basically a 3-day after response from telling her to have a good trip). She never did reply back to my reply to that message. In other words, I've barely heard a blip out of her over the last week, and reduced communication the week before that, whereas communication was fairly regular between us prior to that. She's gone pretty cold on me, and I'm basically chalking this one up as a loss, unless there's a good reason otherwise. I haven't bothered to double-text or try calling, for fear of looking needy, hoping for the slight possibility that she might come around if I'm less available. But I'm having to fight the urge to do so pretty strongly. Should I continue to wait for her to make a move/move on if she doesn't? Or should I make one final nudge by a certain point?
SunnySide0418 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You said she sent you a text 3 days ago asking how you're week is going? Did you respond? My advice is when she gets back from vaca ask her out for a specific day and take it from there. Be more assertive. She will either accept or if busy offer an alternative day or she will be wishy washy and then you will know to move on.
HappyLove Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 You are SOOOOO overthinking things! Who cares what she's doing online! Seems like you really like her, CALL her up ask her out for a date and see what she says. Let her show by her actions if she's interested or not. Maybe she will say no, and then you can move on to another girl. Maybe she will say yes, and this will be the start of a great relationship. But all this nonsense of counting texts and double texting is just stupid. 1
abby2 Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 Call her up when she get back and ask directly rather than analyzing texts. If you really like her then you should do something to show you are very interested or else how will she know. Are you afraid of rejection?
Bigcitydreamer Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I tend to think like you do.. I'm in a similar situation where intentions are not very clear. To me this is a major red flag because I have had multiple relationships and the ones that progress are the ones where intentions are clear early on. I'm not sure why someone would spend time with you and go on dates if they weren't interested but it does happen. I remember a situation where I chose to believe that I was over analyzing so I just let things be and I ended up hooking up with the same guy for a year at a snails pace and he never did push things further. I had an initial gut feeling I was being used for an ego boost of sorts but I don't do stuff like that myself so I thought maybe he was just shy. Anyways, I really can't read what is going on with your situation. As a guy though, you do need to be more forward. Set up dates each time you talk if you want things to progress. At the same time I see a big risk that she's just not that into you shall we say. It would be easier if you dont care about the possible rejection but at the same time keeping a safe distance and not being overly concerned about her and what she is thinking.
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 8, 2014 Author Posted February 8, 2014 Update of sorts - I did decide to get ahold of her again yesterday and ask her directly for another date (a week out from now), and she did say yes. She seemed glad/happy about it, though still not quite at her more "talkative" level from earlier on that I speak of. Not sure what to make of it, but I guess it's a classic case of "time will tell".
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Apologies for the double-post, but I'm having more thoughts on this matter. I still can't help but worry a bit, since the drop-off in conversation levels between us is still there. And although I didn't ask about it at all, when I did get in contact w/her to set up the next date, she did mention being back from her trip/busy at work, almost like a subtle way of acknowledging we've been chatting less w/out me asking about it - But I know that "busy" is often a classic reduced interest symptom in many situations. Yet, she told me when she was free and accepted a date when I asked her directly for one? Makes me feel like I'm on thin ice and need to make this next date count, assuming she doesn't cancel, am I right? And should I just give her a little space until that time?
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Major apologies for the triple post, but I can't seem to figure out how to edit my previous post - another update that has me very much fearing for the worst! (And this is one of those problems that can arise in the world of OLD) As I mentioned before, she still logs in online (though the profile is viewable anonymously) - Today, she viewed my profile, so she can tell I've been on (Though I have not been talking to/seeing anyone else). But on the flip-side, maybe now she's worried I'll think she's up to no good since she's been on too? The last time I talked to her was when I asked her out for another date, on Friday afternoon. I haven't heard anything from her since. Now I'm worried sick she might cancel on me or something :/. Should I try sending just a simple hello text? Might there be a talk or other bad news coming my way? Help needed/appreciated ASAP!
Poppygoodwill Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Gawd it must be exhausting to be in your head as you seem a bit like a hamster running on a wheel in there...squeak squeak squeak...around and around. You asked her out. She said yes. She might cancel, but let's assume that if she has the confidence to - as you fear - drop contact - she'd have the confidence to say she's busy and can't go out. If that's what she wanted to do. I think the problem here is that you're both hesitant and waiting for the other person to step up, and hence: it goes nowhere. It would seem natural to keep momentum going whiel you wait for date night. So CALL her for a quick chat with a specific reason - something you saw, ie, just to touch base. Make a joke, amuse her...spend time trying to develop the connection. Otherwise you'll be across from one another at the next date and almost as much strangers as you were on the first one.
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 Gawd it must be exhausting to be in your head as you seem a bit like a hamster running on a wheel in there...squeak squeak squeak...around and around.I'll admit, it is an exhausting, and unhealthy feeling, but guilty as charged... I'm not so sure about the hesitancy though. Aside from asking her out again, I've done the once-twice a week or so check-in contacts (i.e - Just random little things to show I think of her/amuse her, etc.), but she's just been less responsive to it lately, so I've taken it as a hint to back off/maybe I'm coming on too strong. I don't want to just smother her w/tons of annoying extra messages if she isn't always responding to the first ones. Yet, I ask her out to a "yes!" response, and then she's openly snooping around my OLD profile (presumably, to see if I've been on/probably suspects that I'm seeing other women now). This, combined w/unanswered contact attempts (as opposed to having more conversations beforehand) is making my head loopy as hell, trying to figure out what on earth is going through her head. But I feel like I've done my part to show interest, and that it's on her to choose whether or not to reciprocate. Perhaps there's communication woes here, and maybe there's something bothering her that she's scared to talk about. But I feel like if I ask her about this/if everything is all good, that it's just gonna make things incredibly awkward/pressuring for her, and put the final nail in the coffin on the possibility of anything w/her at this point (if there even IS that). How do I talk to her about it (if I have to), without screwing things up?
Chocolat Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 I haven't bothered to double-text or try calling, for fear of looking needy, hoping for the slight possibility that she might come around if I'm less available. Makes me feel like I'm on thin ice and need to make this next date count, assuming she doesn't cancel, am I right? And should I just give her a little space until that time? Ugh. Is this who you actually want - a woman you have to worry about showing enthusiasm for lest you appear needy? Ugh. Be yourself ww, and if she likes that, you've got a good thing. If she doesn't and you have to pretzel yourself into what she wants, what have you actually gained? 2
HappyLove Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 OP, you are so anxious over someone saying yes to your date and making up all these crazy scenarios. I think you need a break from dating so you can calm the hell down and work on your issues. I can only imagine how you act on these dates. Your behavior is going to drive people away, seems like you met a girl willing to give you a chance but honestly if you show any sign of this type of insecurity it's going to end up being a turn off. Take this in the best way.
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 10, 2014 Author Posted February 10, 2014 HappyLove - The insecurity is basically all being dumped here, rather than displayed around her at all. I left in the dark on what to make of her viewing my OLD profile again, when I haven't heard from her as frequently lately. It presents a ton of possible upcoming scenarios, some of which I'm not sure how I should react to (i.e. - If she asks about it, or chooses to cancel for no apparent reason w/no reschedule)
johnson_j Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Jeez, I'm exhausted reading this. Just go out with her and see what develops. For a side story, last girl I dated was the same. Went out 3 times in a month, she was never much for chit-chat between dates, seemed cold, distant, sometimes didn't reply to texts and rarely initiated, but when it clicked on the third date it did click. She told me later she thought I was the one being cold because I didn't say much to her between dates and keep things light and funny. So just go for it - and don't think about it.
ashy555 Posted February 10, 2014 Posted February 10, 2014 Well... you have Friday booked in. You made the effort to organise it.. so wait and see. Then message again on Friday and organise the date. If she cancels last minute then it should be up to her to reschedule. If she doesnt, then she has made things clear. You made the effort so she knows you are interested and generally think about her from time to time. Im a strong believer that when someone loses interest, you have to tell the person straight away as I know what it is like to be left hanging. Just had it happen to me after three months of full on dating. I thought I was over analyzing everything but i wasnt. It was just my gut feeling. I think you need to listen to what your gut is telling you. BUT PLEASE.. see how this Friday goes first
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 11, 2014 Author Posted February 11, 2014 /\ - It's actually Sunday, but thanks nonetheless - I know I essentially need to calm down and wait it out. But I'm still wondering about her random OLD profile view - Obviously, it's a way of her checking up on me for whatever reason, but what's likely going through her head as a result? Is she wondering why I'm reciprocating in backing off on the communication too, and now maybe suspects it's because of other women? Is it a way of communicating something else? The thing is, we now know that each of us have been on, and it possibly creates a bit of an awkward situation - It makes it look like we're both dating multiple people and now know, regardless of what may actually be going on. She can't get pissed at me for being online w/out looking like a stalker/insecure, and vice-versa. I fear she may just cancel and cease communication to avoid any issue with this. It's been 4 days since we've said a word to eachother - Now the longest consecutive gap in communication between us. This is a tough scenario, where I need to get an idea of what's going on in her head without scaring her away. Should I contact her soon? Should I wait for her to contact me first/just wait for the tentative date?
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted February 17, 2014 Author Posted February 17, 2014 Well the day came, and unfortunately, it looks like I'm not overanalyzing things after all - She ended up cancelling w/a BS reason, saying sorry/we gotta reschedule (but didn't offer a day/time). I left her with "don't worry, we'll just figure out another time" - Leaving the ball in her court/going no contact on her for this one. Basically, it isn't looking good, so I'm choosing to move on unless (on the off chance) that she comes around. Still can't help but feel like I blew this one :/
jefermelesyeux Posted February 21, 2014 Posted February 21, 2014 you reminds me SO much of myself. you've gone and torn apart every little thing she said and did to the point of making yourself sick about it- even when she agreed to your most recent date you still weren't happy. so she canceled- i'm sorry to hear that but are you sure the reason she gave was really bull*****? are you sure you aren't just bitter because you created a scenario in your head where she'd cancel and sure enough it happened? things happen, things come up, people cancel. i do agree that the ball's in her court to reschedule, so do not contact her until she does. she said yes to you initially, and i can't imagine someone would do that if they weren't interested (especially after a few dates). also, you were overthinking because she wasn't as talkative while she was on vacation? she was on vacation. at least she text you to see how your week was going. let me tell you. not everything is always going to be "goody gumdrops." (pardon the awful saying...my friend used it on me once and i can't help but pass it on.) communication may not be as frequent sometimes as it is others- as long as you are communicating at all, it really shouldn't matter. i understand being frustrated with not knowing how she feels, but i really think you never had anything to worry about here. when i first met the guy i'm interested in back in september, we talked every single night. literally. (also, on the phone. enough with the texting.) now, we talk once a week at the very least, usually a couple times. granted, our situation is LDR, so it's a bit different. but just because communication has dropped off a little bit doesn't mean anything. at least we still talk. i'm still just as interested in him and he in me. but there was a week in december where i went a week without hearing anything from him, directly after hearing from him consistently multiple times a week. absolute radio silence. i did exactly what you're doing and drove myself crazy with over-analysis and i assumed it was over. long story short, he's a librarian at an elementary school and was just busy. we met for the first time shortly thereafter and things have been fine ever since. my point here is, things change. and change can be good if you choose to see it in that light. especially after you get past the initial excitement and fun of first meeting someone, it tends to lessen. no big deal, really. try not to sweat the small stuff. any updates since she canceled?
Author Wayward_wanderer Posted March 11, 2014 Author Posted March 11, 2014 jefermelesyeux - I'm obviously very late in even checking this thread for any replies, but I don't have a whole lot in the way of updates. Since I never even mentioned the "reason" she gave when she canceled, I will now - "Way too hungover from a night out w/friends". I wasn't buying it at all, since it sounds more like a weak excuse one would use to blow someone off they're not interested in seeing (Otherwise, she would have offered an alternative day/rescheduled on the spot if she really did want to see me - That's how I see it anyway). Anyways, it's been 3 weeks now without any communication, so obviously, that's a very bad sign. Whether she changed her mind about me, met someone else, an ex came back in the picture, whatever happened - I've decided the worst thing I can do is to continue to pursue her at this time, and that I need to just let her be/move on and meet & date others. I suppose there's the slight possibility she wasn't expecting me to go no contact on her after showing obvious interest, and maybe she's hesitant to contact me, thinking I'm royally pissed at her, but I think my other theories are more likely. Another factor worth taking into consideration is that our differing work schedules made scheduling dates a bit tricky - I'm sure that didn't help things at all. Basically, I'm chalking this one up as a loss (Sucks, as I really liked her - I still do! :/ ), but on the plus side, it's been a good learning experience for me. And due to our mutual interests/places we go to, there's a chance I will eventually run into her again at some point. And who knows what the future holds? I never did flip out on her or put her on the spot over any of this, so I can only hope that was a wise move on my part.
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