Horrid Love Triangle

[mishy]

I just extracted myself from the most horrid love triangle

 

I started seeing a guy and we started a friendship and about a month ago we started sleeping together. He was broken up with some girl in another country who he said they were never "officially together" .

 

Then whenever she begged him back he would tell me things would have to be platonic and after a while i literally became dizzy with all the chopping and changing. Sometimes i would be frustrated but all i ever did was get frustrated asking whether things were on or off.

 

We were actually good friends as well and in the past month have become literally inseperable and we both agreed this was the case

 

The woman overseas got hold of my phone number about 2 weeeks ago and started sending me the most horrid verbally abusive messages. Name calling, i mean the worst you could imagine. And all this time he was considering getting back with her and i would show him the messages and he got a little angry at her but thats all. I mean they were HORRID messages. I cannot even write it here. He would just say "she just really loves me" (ugh )

 

I dont even know this woman. She tracked both our phones and knew whenever we were together. At its worst last week she verbally abused both of us by text saying things that indicated she knew we were together. Whenever i was on teh road to his house she would abuse me, as she had me tracked.

 

In teh whole time i never said a bad word back to her, not anything BUT since he was in an actual on again off again relationship with her, he said that i was the bunny boiler in the situation (as i am the other woman) , as i was so frustrated at her abuse. He not for one second considered her abuse to be textbook bunny boiler behaviour. Just so frustrating seeing him still want to be with this complete psycho.

 

So he got back with her, (even though she is living in another country) yet still wanting to see me everyday. Calls me at 630 every morning and all day every day. Even took me on his work run one day (he is a tradesman) . Stayed a whole week at my house last week. (and she text abused us both all week)

 

We were planning to go away this weekend, and he was even saying look how about we fly to Bali and then said "as long as you dont go bunny boiler" and im like WHAT does that even mean?? I havent done anything. And we got in a fight because he thought i still had the messaging app on my phone that she had been contacting me on and i just got so frustrated that i was still being blamed for her complete bunny boiler behaviour. Then he said he wasnt going away with me, and then i walked out saying i am never coming over again.

 

Its just that i have never ever done anything remotely bunny boiler YET he chooses to be with a bunny boiler. This woman of his, at one stage she was calling me literally 50 times a day. Literally.

 

I just couldnt take the name calling. Both him and her. I feel relieved but so sad because we were literally inseperable, he told me i was his best friend. I dont know if he thinks calling me "bunny boiler is a joke, or realises what an insult it is. I have told him again and again not to call me it and he still keeps doing it.

 

So i ended the friendship by leaving. Did i do the right thing?

Edited February 1, 2014 by mishy

[pickflicker]

Um...

 

Why didn't you walk away the second he said things had be platonic after his ex gf begged him back?

[mishy]

Um...

 

Why didn't you walk away the second he said things had be platonic after his ex gf begged him back?

 

Mainly because we actually were really good friends and i have made that mistake in the past, lost a friend over sex. We were best friends, that would be hard to lose

 

And it was literally probably a week later that we were back on again.

 

And i guess it never seemed real with her as she lives in another country and probably will never come here

 

 

 

*

[Grumpybutfun]

You really need to go see a therapist to talk about your self esteem issues? He is not your friend. Why's would you be involved in anything this disrespectful and degrading? You were essentially a sex surrogate for some long distance relationship he is having? The lack of insight and self esteem you have is astounding. He used you. He liked the attention of having you both fight for him. He is a douche. You really wasted your time and corroded your self esteem even further by allowing him to manipulate you and take the behavior from both of them. Get some help.

Good luck,

Grumps

[mishy]

You really need to go see a therapist to talk about your self esteem issues? He is not your friend. Why's would you be involved in anything this disrespectful and degrading? You were essentially a sex surrogate for some long distance relationship he is having? The lack of insight and self esteem you have is astounding. He used you. He liked the attention of having you both fight for him. He is a douche. You really wasted your time and corroded your self esteem even further by allowing him to manipulate you and take the behavior from both of them. Get some help.

Good luck,

Grumps

 

Yeah i see that now, he just liked the attention. I am fine, i am relieved its over, and i am glad i am the one who ended it all, at least i had some self esteem there.

[pickflicker]

Mainly because we actually were really good friends and i have made that mistake in the past, lost a friend over sex. We were best friends, that would be hard to lose

 

And it was literally probably a week later that we were back on again.

 

And i guess it never seemed real with her as she lives in another country and probably will never come here

 

 

 

*

 

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[Conners]

We were planning to go away this weekend, and he was even saying look how about we fly to Bali

 

I'm assuming you're in Western Australia if you're going to Bali for the weekend? haha.

 

Anyways i've seen some of your other posts, I don't know why you choose to get involved with guys who seem to be attached to other women or just treat you unfairly. Maybe be single for a while and wait until you find someone nice that will commit to you 100%.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yeah i see that now, he just liked the attention. I am fine, i am relieved its over, and i am glad i am the one who ended it all, at least i had some self esteem there.

 

Exactly. The guy is a damn loser. Serioulsy, I'd have dropped him so fast his would spin. He is manipulative and a user, and he was not your "best friend." A true best friend would never allow someone else to speak to you that way, nor accuse you of being the unstable one. I think you and he has polar opposite ideas about what constitutes a friendship.

 

Also, if this woman ever contacts you again, I would make it very clear to her that you've kept all the messages and intend to turn them over to the police if she doesn't stop immediately. Tell her this even if it's not true. She's harassing you. (and you idiot "friend" enabled it, by the way.)

 

EDIT: I also would not be surprised if he gave her your number in the first place.

[mishy]

Exactly. The guy is a damn loser. Serioulsy, I'd have dropped him so fast his would spin. He is manipulative and a user, and he was not your "best friend." A true best friend would never allow someone else to speak to you that way, nor accuse you of being the unstable one. I think you and he has polar opposite ideas about what constitutes a friendship.

 

Also, if this woman ever contacts you again, I would make it very clear to her that you've kept all the messages and intend to turn them over to the police if she doesn't stop immediately. Tell her this even if it's not true. She's harassing you. (and you idiot "friend" enabled it, by the way.)

 

EDIT: I also would not be surprised if he gave her your number in the first place.

 

I think he did give her my number, yes. Its a new number , i have only had it since November so it isnt anywhere on the internet , connected with work or anything.

 

And what hurt me the most was that even though he saw all the messages she sent me he still chooses to be with that horrible woman. He took the instant messaging program off my phone last week so all the messages were lost.....

[Winter blue]

 

The woman overseas got hold of my phone number about 2 weeeks ago and started sending me the most horrid verbally abusive messages. Name calling, i mean the worst you could imagine. And all this time he was considering getting back with her and i would show him the messages and he got a little angry at her but thats all. I mean they were HORRID messages. I cannot even write it here. He would just say "she just really loves me" (ugh )

 

I dont even know this woman. She tracked both our phones and knew whenever we were together. At its worst last week she verbally abused both of us by text saying things that indicated she knew we were together. Whenever i was on teh road to his house she would abuse me, as she had me tracked.

 

In teh whole time i never said a bad word back to her, not anything BUT since he was in an actual on again off again relationship with her, he said that i was the bunny boiler in the situation (as i am the other woman) , as i was so frustrated at her abuse. He not for one second considered her abuse to be textbook bunny boiler behaviour. Just so frustrating seeing him still want to be with this complete psycho.

 

Its just that i have never ever done anything remotely bunny boiler YET he chooses to be with a bunny boiler. This woman of his, at one stage she was calling me literally 50 times a day. Literally.

 

So i ended the friendship by leaving. Did i do the right thing?

 

Hell yes. What his gf did to you is so f**king unacceptable, she sounds like a total psycho, be glad you are out of their drama.

 

This man doesn't love you enough, neither is him your best friend. If he really loves you, he would have not gone back to her, and would ditch her to be with you. Simple and full stop. On top of that, he was using the 'best friend' thing to string you along. Good on you on walking out his door.

 

You really should try to stay away from his drama now, he choose to be with that woman, then she's his problem to deal with (poor him).

 

Cut off this toxic relationship because you are much better off without it. It will only get better from here:)

[Winter blue]

I think he did give her my number, yes. Its a new number , i have only had it since November so it isnt anywhere on the internet , connected with work or anything.

 

And what hurt me the most was that even though he saw all the messages she sent me he still chooses to be with that horrible woman. He took the instant messaging program off my phone last week so all the messages were lost.....

 

Trust me, you will be so glad that you stayed away from all these in a few months time.. what he did only proves that he cares her more than you. let this one go, he can't have his cake and eat it too.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think you should probably stay away from men for a while and recalibrate your screening process. Because right now it leaves something to be desired.

[mishy]

update

 

 

thanks for the posts. I did eventually realise he was an absolute douche, We started spending a lot of time together again and i was practically living with him. As friends. One day we got back from holiday and she was calling his phone threatening to slash her wrists if i did not leave his house immediately. Hysterical. She even sent him photos the next day of indented wrists. Psycho.

 

Then he tells her she needs to behave or he wont go overseas to see her. Basically whenever she called the house i was not allowed to make a noise as she did not know i was almost living there. It was humiliating. I took him to hospital for an operation and her only concern was anger that i was doing it and not her (she lives overseas). Totally selfish. screaming crying on the phone etc.

 

Then he went overseas to see her (she lives in asia) and he allowed her to STILL send me abusive messages on my phone when i contacted him while he was away. Then he would tease me me that they were having sex right then etc. And then i finally saw what an absolute complete loser he is and how he was playing one off the other all along.

 

And then i blocked the both of them everywhere.

 

 

Edited March 29, 2014 by mishy

[sooshi]

I'm glad you got rid of them. You needed to.

[mishy]

I'm glad you got rid of them. You needed to.

 

I realise now that the reason he condoned her sending me abusive messages is because he is just as horrible a person as she is. The fact that he wants to be with someone who would say such things is really just sick.

 

He and I did have a lot of good times but this whole thing with her just brought this whole other side out of him.

 

He is over there now for 2 weeks in her country seeing her, and yesterday she got into his phone and read my messages to him and replied on his phone " stay away" and I knew it wasn't him saying that as its not how he speaks to me.

 

So I sent her a message saying not to read his message. She replied calling me abusive names ( which I never do back to her) and then he tells me it was my fault because I pissed her off ( by realising she was reading his messages)

 

So last night I'd had enough of never abusing her back. So I remembered an email he had shown me a month ago in which he had had a big fight with her and he had finally told her what a b#@$! she was, and all these insults about her appearance. Also telling her how horrible she was to me etc.

 

Its juvenile, but i have never sent her an abusive message or answered back to her insults, (because i am an adult and she is an idiot) so i decided to finally do it.

 

I basically rehashed the email in a message to her, which 1) would have pissed her off no end that he showed me that email and 2) just finally told her what i think of her by rehashing his insults so she would recognise them

 

I think it might have been the best message i have ever sent anyone, and it felt so good. Then i blocked her so she couldnt answer back.

 

Juvenile to call people names but she had had it coming for 3 months. It was like "BAM!"

 

Edited March 29, 2014 by mishy

[bluegreen]

Let me guess 20 year old 20 something year old and one middle 20 year old.

Girl you serious here ?

Even if he was draped in dove chocolate from head to toe he is still under all that little stinky piece of s...

She if any of this is true is right on his level but is OFFICIAL with him which you are not and never been.

 

And you have been used and abused

 

any questions ?

[mishy]

He is 45. That's why it is even worse that he condones name calling! I am not as old as him but older than her . She is 29. That's why until yesterday I never replied to her abuse with any name calling.

 

My question is basically how to get past it and how , when he gets back ( and probably broken up with her as she will no doubt turn psychotic on the trip) how to avoid being drawn into the sick web again. He told me before he left he will probably break up with her on the trip if she behaves badly at all.

[todreaminblue]

Yeah i see that now, he just liked the attention. I am fine, i am relieved its over, and i am glad i am the one who ended it all, at least i had some self esteem there.

 

yes you did well by extracting yourself, he confused you and put you down but you rose above it and ended it......just stay no contact and i wish you all the best ....deb

[mishy]

UPDATE

 

 

yes you did well by extracting yourself, he confused you and put you down but you rose above it and ended it......just stay no contact and i wish you all the best ....deb

 

Thanks. Even though he is overseas visiting her right now, she still spent a whole evening sending me abusive messages. And when i blocked her from one number she would use another.

 

She got hold of his phone and started sending me messages from an intsant message service, telling me they were both there imitating me and making fun of me and calling me names. She went on for hours all night.

 

Next morning he calls me and tells me that he didnt know she was using his phone and is reading the messages. He said "i told her that if she sends you one more message then i am getting me suitcase and leaving" I just yelled and screamed at him and hung up.

 

Thats exactly the thing, she always gets one more chance. Always sends me harassing messages and he gives her one more chance.

[Zahara]

UPDATE

 

 

 

 

He said "i told her that if she sends you one more message then i am getting me suitcase and leaving" I just yelled and screamed at him and hung up..

 

It's a shame that this has gone on long enough and you tolerated this crap and drama. But even till now, you cannot find the self-control, but most of all dignity and self-respect to say enough and walk away.

[whichwayisup]

Change your number again and be done with him! He's a f'ing creep and a big loser. You're better off without him and his sick drama. You know this, even if you have feelings for him and 'used' to be close friends. ALL that is gone and what is replaced is a total douche bag a.shole, man child. He is rude, a user and an abuser.

[leftfordead2]

Mishy, I would have to ask, how old are you? Why do you keep putting yourself in such juvenile situations?

[mishy]

It's a shame that this has gone on long enough and you tolerated this crap and drama. But even till now, you cannot find the self-control, but most of all dignity and self-respect to say enough and walk away.

 

The thing is we do have a lot of great times together. The only thing we ever argue about is her.

 

He has wanted me to bury the hatchet with her , but he cant understand that i wouldnt even want to know someone like her , a person who name calls. And particularly the kind of name calling. Its not just swearing but real personal insults. And he also doesnt understand that she is the one who abuses me. She also stalks and har=rasses his family, trying to find out about me.

 

Its not someone i would ever want in my life. I have never met her, but i still wouldnt even want her as an acquaintance.

I have never experienced such a person in my life, or a situation like this.

 

I got a new number today, and removed him from everything.

It would be easier if i could only remember the bad and forget the good. I am not sure how to do that. To just not give a toss and just walk away without any feelings.

 

I just want to just not care about him anymore.

 

He gets back in a week and i want to be able to avoid all contact attempts by him

Edited April 7, 2014 by mishy

[Zahara]

"he did drag me down. the last two guys i have dated have been troublesome and everyone here has called them losers."

 

"And we went out drinking and I told him that I really am interested in him and see myself being his girlfriend. He said though hat he thinks he is in love with the Filipino girl."

 

Let's dig deeper. You're failing to see the bigger picture.

 

Go back and read your threads and out of all the drama, confusion, push and pull, up and down -- the "great times" is you romanticizing what you had with him. In order for a relationship to be successful or have potential, there should be consistency. You didn't have consistency. You yourself said he dragged you down. You idealize.

 

Skimming your posts -- He couldn't be intimate with you. He couldn't commit to you. He had you in some room with some drug dealer. He ignored you. He said he loved someone else when you told him you wanted to be exclusive. He gaslighted you for his own erectile d. issues. Has bi-polar. Has depression. Has no driver's license.

 

What great times? Drinking, laughing, joking, talking, making out, etc.? That's surface level BS any man can do to charm you. That doesn't provide great times in a relationship. Great times is when someone is consistently loving, caring and empathetic to your needs. Supporting you and honoring you. If you say you miss all that, fine, I will understand. What great times?

 

As for the woman, when he told you he was in love with her, you should have been out of there. Instead, you stayed and you allowed him to sit back and watch you both pit against each other. Why did it have to get to this extent for you to step away from these two people, especially him?

 

Who cares if she stalks his family? IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's his problem. You should have stepped away from this mess months ago.

 

Who cares if he wants her in your life? You should be staying away from unhealthy people and situations that have no relevance in your life. You want him to validate you so much that you are willing to accommodate, appease and do whatever it takes to make him like you.

 

You spent 5 years on a man that was emotionally unavailable to you. Check your thread history. After that guy you spent no time apart from men. You went straight back into dating. Go back and read your threads. Nothing but confusion and drama, guy after guy. You took no time to heal. No time to work on yourself. No time to find emotional and mental clarity and strength.

 

And now you're again stuck with another man that is emotionally unavailable to you.

 

When do the lessons sink in?

Edited April 7, 2014 by Zahara

[mishy]

"he did drag me down. the last two guys i have dated have been troublesome and everyone here has called them losers."

 

"And we went out drinking and I told him that I really am interested in him and see myself being his girlfriend. He said though hat he thinks he is in love with the Filipino girl."

 

Let's dig deeper. You're failing to see the bigger picture.

 

Go back and read your threads and out of all the drama, confusion, push and pull, up and down -- the "great times" is you romanticizing what you had with him. In order for a relationship to be successful or have potential, there should be consistency. You didn't have consistency. You yourself said he dragged you down. You idealize.

 

Skimming your posts -- He couldn't be intimate with you. He couldn't commit to you. He had you in some room with some drug dealer. He ignored you. He said he loved someone else when you told him you wanted to be exclusive. He gaslighted you for his own erectile d. issues. Has bi-polar. Has depression. Has no driver's license.

 

What great times? Drinking, laughing, joking, talking, making out, etc.? That's surface level BS any man can do to charm you. That doesn't provide great times in a relationship. Great times is when someone is consistently loving, caring and empathetic to your needs. Supporting you and honoring you. If you say you miss all that, fine, I will understand. What great times?

 

As for the woman, when he told you he was in love with her, you should have been out of there. Instead, you stayed and you allowed him to sit back and watch you both pit against each other. Why did it have to get to this extent for you to step away from these two people, especially him?

 

Who cares if she stalks his family? IT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM. It's his problem. You should have stepped away from this mess months ago.

 

Who cares if he wants her in your life? You should be staying away from unhealthy people and situations that have no relevance in your life. You want him to validate you so much that you are willing to accommodate, appease and do whatever it takes to make him like you.

 

You spent 5 years on a man that was emotionally unavailable to you. Check your thread history. After that guy you spent no time apart from men. You went straight back into dating. Go back and read your threads. Nothing but confusion and drama, guy after guy. You took no time to heal. No time to work on yourself. No time to find emotional and mental clarity and strength.

 

And now you're again stuck with another man that is emotionally unavailable to you.

 

When do the lessons sink in?

 

 

i know everything you are saying is right. In the last few weeks he started telling me he loves me. In what way, i am not entirely sure, but he started saying it a lot. Even the night before he went away to see her.

 

But i am always second to her. Even though she is the most dreadful person i honestly have ever come across. This has always been a big sore point for me.

 

But since he has been away this past week i have realised a few things.

 

1. he thinks her rudeness is ok because he is rude himself. He really is no better than her.

 

2. I have been neglecting myself in order to take care of him. I started living there (without her knowledge) and completely neglected my own life. I am getting that back on track now. He wanted me to go and stay at his place while he is away ( i have keys) but i have not been there. Probably wanted me to stay there in order to keep me in the sick loop.

 

3. There were a lot of fun times, but really i think he wanted me for my money, or potential money in the future.

 

4. I do have the strength to not pick up the phone when he calls when he gets back