Chico333 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I've been dating this guy for almost 2 months. We have not had any type of talk about exclusivity. We see each other about twice a week. He has never been a big texter. In fact, he never texts unless it's to make plans or answers mine at least 2 hours later. We don't talk on the phone either. He lives about 30 min. away from me so it's not like we can easily just drive to each others places. We always have to make plans to see each other. I know he likes me a lot as I do him, but this whole no phone/texting throughout the week is starting to get to me. (he's cooked me dinner, invited me away for a weekend to to hang out and meet his friends, gone on a couple double dates, is very considerate and well mannered, etc.) I started hinting that I didn't like it and then I told him a couple times jokingly. He agreed that it's something he needs to get "better" at. If he lived closer it wouldn't matter to me because I know we would see each other more, but since he doesn't, not communicating throughout the week obviously doesn't really help the relationship progress. I don't want to put any type of pressure on him because I've had previous experience with that backfiring on me. I actually told myself I was not going to have the "exclusivity talk" with him unless he were to bring it up. I don't really know what to do...
pickflicker Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Accept the fact he doesn't text much. I dint see why there is a need to complain about these things. And if you haven't had the exclusivity talk, why aren't you dating other people? 1
Eggplant Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 You're not exclusive, so date other people as well. I wouldn't be as concerned about the lack of texting as the lack of calling. But in any case, if he wanted to, he would. 1
Author Chico333 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Should I just straight up ask him or will that make things weird?
Eggplant Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I wouldn't. I would be careful to let guys reach out to you and show they care all only on their own accord. You can't do it for him or make him want to. 1
Author Chico333 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Maybe I should just pull away and see what his response is? I know that's kind of game playing though so I don't know. I am dating a little here and there but he is who I am more focused on and he seems pretty into me as well besides the whole not texting thing. I don't really like to talk on the phone so that doesn't really worry or bother me because I wouldn't really call him either. He tells me he likes me and what not but like I said we have no talked about being exclusive...and don't want to scare him off...but I want to know where we stand since I like him.
Conners Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 How old are you both? My ex wasn't a huge texter in the beginning and it did bug me and make me think hmm maybe he doesn't like me, but when I was around him I could see how hopeless he was with his phone, could never really find it. I used to check his last active thing on Facebook to see if he was just ignoring me or infact he had not been on his phone and most of the time he just had not been on his phone. Sometimes up for 2 days at a time.. i can see how it drives you nuts. Guys aren't really glued to their phones like us girls. As for the exclusivity talk - just bring it up casually maybe...? I have done it in the past and the guy said i'm glad you were the one who brought it up because I was nervous to ask.. so ya never know.
soccerrprp Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 He's not a texter, but he texts. He could IF HE REALLY WANTED TO. He doesn't call or talk on the phone....that's a BIG issue. Yeah, like others have suggested, date others. Don't contact him again...let him make the next move.
mammasita Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Is there a reason you don't talk on the phone? I mean, I don't because I simply don't like to. If that's not the case for you, try giving him a call.
BradJacobs Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 He could IF HE REALLY WANTED TO. He doesn't call or talk on the phone....that's a BIG issue. It's a big issue only if you make it one. Have you ever asked him how much he's talked to his partners in previous relationships and what his experiences were? We're not all cut from the same cloth and we don't all share the same experiences. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 It's a big issue only if you make it one. Have you ever asked him how much he's talked to his partners in previous relationships and what his experiences were? We're not all cut from the same cloth and we don't all share the same experiences. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Yeah, OP, talk to him about this....AGAIN. Since you have and he is still adverse to communicating with you on a reasonable basis, I would RE-EMPHASIZE the importance of communication.
Author Chico333 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 we are both in our later 20's. I also simply don't like to talk on the phone, so that's why. The last time we got together he initiated it in a text. Since then I texted him a couple times and he responded but again not till a few hours later. I'll just wait for him to initiate talking/meeting again, which I know he will...
Fondue Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Some of us guys are just not into daily communication as some of you girls. It's not because we're not interested in you. That's not the case at all. It just is what it is. To be blunt: Either accept it, or find someone else who better suits your preferences. By the way, trying to change him will only make him a bit resentful. He might consider it somewhat of a chore that you're asking him to do.
Fondue Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 we are both in our later 20's. I also simply don't like to talk on the phone, so that's why. The last time we got together he initiated it in a text. Since then I texted him a couple times and he responded but again not till a few hours later. I'll just wait for him to initiate talking/meeting again, which I know he will... And that's exactly what you want. If he's setting up dates and continues to want to see you, then he is interested in you. His "lack" of communication isn't telling of something. It just is.
pyramid Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 BTDT. We had multiple talks about it, he'd be better for a few days, I'd try and be ok with minimal communication, but ultimately the gap was too large and we broke up because I felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster - I just wasn't ok with such little contact. Not being a big texter/caller doesn't necessarily mean "he's not that into you" but if it's causing feelings of insecurity, it's just not worth it. (And in hindsight - if he was "that into me" I feel like he'd have made more of an effort.) 1
ktya Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I have a policy ive had in place with girls whenever ive had a cellphone. 1. No heavy conversations via text, if its that important, phone me 2. I dont text back and forth with a girl when im hanging out with other people, its rude. If im out with other people ill answer it later when im done, because it obviously isnt important enough to call as in (1). One of my exes was psycho with texting, she would get upset and text and text and basically start arguing with herself because i wasnt answering and it drove me so insane i would just turn the phone off or at least the notification sound and vibration. I kept the same policy with her and she hated it. That said the guy obviously is seeing other girls. Im dating two with a third in the wings and i still find he time to text each of them good morning in the am and how was your day at suppertime. 1
Eau Claire Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 If he is aware but still doesn't contact you then that's inconsiderate. Takes 30 seconds to text a 'hi' with a one sentence funny comment or whatever. Lots of us don't like to do things, doesn't mean we don't make an effort if we care about someone. A 30 second text is hardly climbing a mountain or slaying a dragon. Men of his age should have social skills. Awareness.
Author Chico333 Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Ok. Yeah I'm assuming he is still dating around then...which is totally ok, I guess I just need to relax a little. I'm going to keep dating and back off a little. I don't constantly text him by any means. Just one or two here and there, but oh well. I shouldn't make it an issue since we are not serious. This whole thing sounds so ridiculous to me, but I can't help it.
894hjk Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Read "men r from mars n woman r from Venus" one chapter called "men are like elastic bands" they pull away then come back- especially at the start of a relationship. They need to get away from feeling tied down/emasculated. Let him have his free time and wait for him to come back. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't thinking about u. My ex did this all the time. Either get used to it or comment one day when he does text u that it was real nice getting a text from him- better than putting pressure on him to actually do it. Dudes r tough to understand so read that book! Stopped some of my insecurities. 1
Eau Claire Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Read "men r from mars n woman r from Venus" one chapter called "men are like elastic bands" they pull away then come back- especially at the start of a relationship. They need to get away from feeling tied down/emasculated. Let him have his free time and wait for him to come back. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or isn't thinking about u. My ex did this all the time. Either get used to it or comment one day when he does text u that it was real nice getting a text from him- better than putting pressure on him to actually do it. Dudes r tough to understand so read that book! Stopped some of my insecurities. Not my experience if a man is interested in me. They might like some space once are in a relationship and have won me over. Before that...quite the opposite. They are obsessed beings making any excuse to be with me. If a man is infatuated, no stopping him. If he is not all that smitten, then he dabbles here and there. 2
894hjk Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 All my bf's , appart from the ex were full on with texting n attention but thatbwas their character nothing else. Depends on the type of man, age of the man and his mental make up. Love presents itself in many different ways. Insecure people n people with bpd have tendencies to pull-push pull-push.i know I do that. It doesn't mean your not "infatuated" by him, visa versa. When u get to know him it will be easier. My ex was an alpha male majorly macho and masculin and we spent a lot of time together 5-6 nights a week sleep over bit he would pull away for a couple of days and I just let him. Gradually that reduced n I even started getting little messages like "miss u"!!! Pretty special. Don't play games with him or go ott about it might backfire. I would b more worried that I wasn't exclusive if I was u. Especially if u r having sex. Don't give him boyfriend benefits.
ZackSteele Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 @Chico333 From a Guys perspective, This sounds like a reoccurring theme Not only in my life but the lives of many different Men I know (personally) I am always working during the day I also know that I have bad habits of getting distracted The cell phone is a prime example Most of the time I turn the thing off when I'm working on something Its not that this guy doesn't want to text you, or isn't thinking about you. Its simply that he is busy. Now, if this is the kind of guy that is passionate about his work, passionate about making money, passionate about bettering himself… You can't knock him for sticking on that path and not texting you Based on seeing you on average 2 times a week (while working) And taking you on trips It seems like this Guy clearly cares about you You have to be careful about wanting too much from him though You don't want to push him away Some Guys will simply not tolerate that added stress Hope this helps -Zack (PM me if you need any more in depth advice, I'd be happy to help) 1
FitChick Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I hate texting. I prefer a call. I also wouldn't want someone constantly contacting me throughout the day with nonsense especially if I am working. People have different levels of closeness. I tend to be independent and like independent men. It's a matter of compatibility.
Poppygoodwill Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I think the texting itself is not the point. The point is that you aren't sure the relationship is progressing naturally, or if it's stalling out. Or even petering out. I think you are right to wonder. Two months of dating generally starts to go one way or another - it ramps up into more intense time together, or it starts to decline because one or both realize that it's not the best fit for whatever reason. I would say he's compartmentalizing his time, which means when he's with you, he's really there and feelin' it, and when he's not - well, he's with someone else or something else and focused on that. Maybe that's okay for you, since you are also dabbling with seeing others. But maybe you want more than that, which is fine too. I say if you are intersted in an exclusive relationshp then two months is a reasonable time for both parties to decide if they want it to go that way. So I say bring it up. You want to know? Ask the question. I advise though not to spring it on him suddenly and expect an immediate answer. TEll him how you feel and that he can think about it and let you know next time you see each other. Obviously this is not a text type conversation, but maybe you could send him an email? That would give you a chance to get your words straight, and him time to think about it. Once you hit send, you will know in pretty short order what the lay of the land is. He will either come closer to you, or he will drift quickly away. but remember, if you ask the question, you've got to be prepared to hear the answer, whatever it is. :-) 1
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