Keep dating and see what happens? Or end things early?

[the_entertainer1]

I met this guy at a NYE party. He's my friend's sister's friend. Since then, we've been on 2 dates.

 

For the first one we went out for dinner and then coffee. He suggested the restaurant but didn't pay for me (I'm capable of paying for myself but on all other first dates the guy has paid - I started another thread about this a couple of weeks ago). We went out for coffee after dinner and also just went dutch. This put me off a bit (because I had expectations, given my other 1st date experiences), but I decided that it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

We saw each other a couple of nights ago. Our second date, but I'm not really sure if it was a date or not. We caught up for a drink after work and he drove me home (to save me catching the bus). Again, we went Dutch - he didn't seem like he was going to offer to pay so I just did. I also bought some food, and shared it with him, but he didn't offer to pay (even for a portion). Anyway, the paying isn't the issue. I'm just not sure I felt a 'spark'. Things don't seem particularly 'romantic' or flirty. So I'm not sure to keep dating and se what happens, or to end things early.

 

We seem to be able to talk for ages. He's intelligent and is studying for his Masters. He plays soccer. He comes from a nice family, his parents are still together and he went to a good school. Despite being a student, he works too, and has a decent income. Basically, I think we come from similar-ish family backgrounds, which is important to me when it comes to a partner.

 

On the 'downside': he's basically the same height as me (I like taller guys, generally speaking, but am trying to be open-minded when it comes to this guy), still lives at home (as do I), is 2 years younger than me (I'm 24, he's 22) and told me he was diagnosed with depression after he and his ex broke up 4 months ago. He was in a 4 year relationship with her before that; I've never really been in a relationship .

 

Anyway - I'm not sure what to do. Does 'the spark' I'm waiting for even exist? I don't know if the 'downsides' I described are deal breakers for me or not. The fact that he has depression worries me a bit. And I worry that because I've been out of uni and working in a full-time job for 3 years now, I'm at a bit of a later stage in my life than him. But, I don't want that to get in the way of what could be a good relationship.

 

Just interested in your ideas/comments - thanks in advance!

[Eternal Sunshine]

I would end things. There seem to be too many incompatibilities for someone you don't even feel the spark with.

[TheyCallMeOx]

I met this guy at a NYE party. He's my friend's sister's friend. Since then, we've been on 2 dates.

 

For the first one we went out for dinner and then coffee. He suggested the restaurant but didn't pay for me (I'm capable of paying for myself but on all other first dates the guy has paid - I started another thread about this a couple of weeks ago). We went out for coffee after dinner and also just went dutch. This put me off a bit (because I had expectations, given my other 1st date experiences), but I decided that it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

We saw each other a couple of nights ago. Our second date, but I'm not really sure if it was a date or not. We caught up for a drink after work and he drove me home (to save me catching the bus). Again, we went Dutch - he didn't seem like he was going to offer to pay so I just did. I also bought some food, and shared it with him, but he didn't offer to pay (even for a portion). Anyway, the paying isn't the issue. I'm just not sure I felt a 'spark'. Things don't seem particularly 'romantic' or flirty. So I'm not sure to keep dating and se what happens, or to end things early.

 

We seem to be able to talk for ages. He's intelligent and is studying for his Masters. He plays soccer. He comes from a nice family, his parents are still together and he went to a good school. Despite being a student, he works too, and has a decent income. Basically, I think we come from similar-ish family backgrounds, which is important to me when it comes to a partner.

 

On the 'downside': he's basically the same height as me (I like taller guys, generally speaking, but am trying to be open-minded when it comes to this guy), still lives at home (as do I), is 2 years younger than me (I'm 24, he's 22) and told me he was diagnosed with depression after he and his ex broke up 4 months ago. He was in a 4 year relationship with her before that; I've never really been in a relationship .

 

Anyway - I'm not sure what to do. Does 'the spark' I'm waiting for even exist? I don't know if the 'downsides' I described are deal breakers for me or not. The fact that he has depression worries me a bit. And I worry that because I've been out of uni and working in a full-time job for 3 years now, I'm at a bit of a later stage in my life than him. But, I don't want that to get in the way of what could be a good relationship.

 

Just interested in your ideas/comments - thanks in advance!

 

Michael Scott, from The Office, said:

 

This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours.

 

I'm a little bit confused because you mention that you don't feel that "spark," but you also say that you don't want certain things getting in the way of "what could be a good relationship." If you went on a couple dates with this dude, and you're saying that it could be a good relationship, then there's something about the dude that is preventing you from stopping dead in your tracks and moving on. If there's something you like about him that is convincing yourself to go on more dates, then to a degree...there is a spark that you claim to not have just yet. So that's a little bit contradicting, and I'd need you to elaborate more on that.

 

I'm going to elaborate more on the deal-breakers vs. downside question by using one of your examples. You mention that this dude lives with his parents; that's a pretty common thing as women get older. It can be a deal-breaker. However, I don't think we're qualified to call it a deal-breaker when we are our own deal-breakers. The fact that you live with your parents and yet claim you don't want a dude who lives with his parents is almost hypocritical to call it a deal-breaker so the best thing to call it is a "down-side." It's a downside because if things got hot and heavy, you can't go over to his place and make sweet passionate love. You don't have that kind of privacy together but because you BOTH live with your parents...it's a sacrifice that you'd both be willing to make. He may want a woman who doesn't live with her parents as well but the question is...is he WORTH the sacrifice? I'm sure down the road, he'd eventually utilize his master's degree and get his own place, but temporarily...it might not be the case. To be honest, that's quite fine if he's getting free room and board. I live with my parents, and although it's not the most socially acceptable for a 23-24 year old to be doing these days, it's certainly financially a good decision since I save tons of money. As far as being attracted to "tall" dudes...that's also a down-side. There's really not much of a benefit to having a tall boyfriend. Perhaps in the bed room, but if you really want to take the time to compare the pro's and con's to dating a tall dude, there's probably more cons than there is pros. Realistically, is it really that important that a guy is taller than you? It can make a difference in sex positions, but do you really think that it would cause a strain on the relationship? Deal-breakers are usually things like drugs and alcohol usage, religious beliefs, political beliefs, etc.

 

Of course, if you feel that it's important then anything can become a deal-breaker but you have to understand the things you're willing to sacrifice and not willing to sacrifice.

 

Sacrificing something doesn't necessarily mean you're depriving yourself. If I found a really great woman that is absolutely hilarious but tall as an oak tree, then I can certainly accept the fact that 69 is probably not going to be my favorite sex position with this woman...and I'd be okay with that because you can't be upset about something when you're laughing.

 

Based on personal experience, if you're doubting yourself whether you feel anything for this guy, then you probably don't feel anything. The fact that he's depressed and mentions about his ex-girlfriend is a red flag because I certainly wouldn't tell someone that kind of information if I felt that it was still lingering in my thoughts.

 

If you're able to talk about things and yet you claim to not have that spark, then there's some kind of incompatibility issue that is preventing you from having enough feelings to initiate something more serious.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours.

 

Absolutely agree with this.

[salparadise]

Same height as you and goes dutch... why do you even have to think twice about ditching this creeper. Ewwwwe, that just nasty shyte.

[SunnySide0418]

I seriously don't get the whole dutch thing. IMO it's tacky ... I can see switching off who pays but dutch is weird. Even when I go out with gf's we alternate and don't go dutch.

[RedRobin]

I'll weigh in and say I'm NOT one of those who believes in instant 'love'.... just the opposite in fact.

 

 

I prefer being around someone I feel comfortable around... not amped up.

 

 

That comfort level is necessary... and the 'love' feelings (for me) grow out of that.

 

 

It's the difference between taking an aspirin for a headache and taking morphine. Yea, I'm sure that morphine is a great rush. I had a surgery once and was prescribed it for a day or two. That's some good stuff. I can see why people are addicted to it... but is not what I live for.

 

 

I prefer calm and steady... so, about your guy... it sounds like he's just wanting to get to know you. Is that a problem? Why can't you both go dutch? If he just got out of a relationship, it is possible he doesn't just want to jump right back in one and maybe isn't the type to go screwing around. Sounds a lot better than dates *I* have been on where the guy is basically a stranger and trying to kiss me. That is a whole lot more weird than what you are describing.

 

 

If one or both of you develop feelings, then you'll know it and can deal with it then. Don't stress about it. If you don't enjoy your time with him... THAT is the only reason to stop seeing him... or if he can't or won't reciprocate your level of interest.

[BradJacobs]

I met this guy at a NYE party. He's my friend's sister's friend. Since then, we've been on 2 dates.

 

For the first one we went out for dinner and then coffee. He suggested the restaurant but didn't pay for me (I'm capable of paying for myself but on all other first dates the guy has paid - I started another thread about this a couple of weeks ago). We went out for coffee after dinner and also just went dutch. This put me off a bit (because I had expectations, given my other 1st date experiences), but I decided that it wasn't a deal breaker.

 

We saw each other a couple of nights ago. Our second date, but I'm not really sure if it was a date or not. We caught up for a drink after work and he drove me home (to save me catching the bus). Again, we went Dutch - he didn't seem like he was going to offer to pay so I just did. I also bought some food, and shared it with him, but he didn't offer to pay (even for a portion). Anyway, the paying isn't the issue. I'm just not sure I felt a 'spark'. Things don't seem particularly 'romantic' or flirty. So I'm not sure to keep dating and se what happens, or to end things early.

 

We seem to be able to talk for ages. He's intelligent and is studying for his Masters. He plays soccer. He comes from a nice family, his parents are still together and he went to a good school. Despite being a student, he works too, and has a decent income. Basically, I think we come from similar-ish family backgrounds, which is important to me when it comes to a partner.

 

On the 'downside': he's basically the same height as me (I like taller guys, generally speaking, but am trying to be open-minded when it comes to this guy), still lives at home (as do I), is 2 years younger than me (I'm 24, he's 22) and told me he was diagnosed with depression after he and his ex broke up 4 months ago. He was in a 4 year relationship with her before that; I've never really been in a relationship .

 

Anyway - I'm not sure what to do. Does 'the spark' I'm waiting for even exist? I don't know if the 'downsides' I described are deal breakers for me or not. The fact that he has depression worries me a bit. And I worry that because I've been out of uni and working in a full-time job for 3 years now, I'm at a bit of a later stage in my life than him. But, I don't want that to get in the way of what could be a good relationship.

 

Just interested in your ideas/comments - thanks in advance!

I am guessing that the level of detail you provided (as it concerns the like/dislike) was to solicit more than just random advice here. However the manner in which you wrote it made it read absolutely clinical. That's not how this should work.

 

You should feel compelled to see a potential romantic partner after the second date. It doesn't have to be an "oh my God, I'm going to die if I don't see this person again"-feeling but there should be something more than the quantitative pros and cons list driving your decision.

 

If it were me, I'd spend my time finding someone else.

[veggirl]

Of course the spark exists. Haven't you felt it for other guys in the past? If I went on a date and didn't feel a spark...well that's like going out with a friend.

[Leigh 87]

This is an old adage, but they say when you find true love, you know within the first 24 hours.

 

Absolutely agree with this.

 

 

 

Definitely agree.

 

 

We both think alike in this regard. Not many people believe in the wow kind of love where someone knocks your socks off. When you feel something parculiar about them from your first glance and you are crazy about each other from date one.

 

No. Most people tend to believe in the usual, 6 months until you fall in love type of thing.

[SadNLonley]

First off, he as the one asking you for a date, should have paid. No going dutch on a 1st date. Thats strike One

 

Second, the fact that he is on depression meds can be overlooked, but for the fact that he is telling you this right off the bat, and its due to his exgf is a warning sign that he may still be into her, constantly comparing you and her, possibly trying to rekindle the relationship. Strike 2.

 

Lastly, if you dont feel a spark with him at all then that should tell you to move on to bigger and better (taller) things.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Definitely agree.

 

 

We both think alike in this regard. Not many people believe in the wow kind of love where someone knocks your socks off. When you feel something parculiar about them from your first glance and you are crazy about each other from date one.

 

No. Most people tend to believe in the usual, 6 months until you fall in love type of thing.

 

People tell me I watched too many Disney movies. I don't care, that's how it works for me

[StanMusial]

End things early. You seem to be in a different stage of life than him.

[ktya]

OP you seem unhealthily obsessed with he payment issue. Sounds like your both students, so you cant look at the guy like hes daddy warbucks whipping out his card to pay your way. I went on a first date with a girl and was ready to pay but she wanted to split the bill. I found it incredibly hot and had sex with her that night and still am a month later.

 

Dutch isnt bad, if he was expecting you to pay that would be bad.

 

Next you criticize him for living with his parents.. Just like you. Again you are dating a guy who is in the same situation as you. Not some stockbroker. If your looking for a sugar daddy you should not be dating a student at all.

 

Next you think because hes the same height as you maybe thats a dealbreaker. I could see if he was shorter than you, some girls just cant do that. But the same height? Nothing wrong with that it is actually a plus because he wont have to lift you off the ground to kiss you and you wont need to lug around a foot stool.

 

On the spark- have you given thought that hes just evaluating YOUR suitability for him, and that maybe your awkwardness around the bill is keeping him at a distance? Maybe try landing a date with him where money is out of the equation, like a romantic walk.

 

Again re spark: has he kissed you yet? Probably not if your posting this. I usually nail for the kiss on the first date just to see if its worth trying for a second one, that usually provides all the spark the girl needs provided the date went well. If he doesnt have the kahunas to move in for the kill, maybe thats more the.problem you should focus on.

[RedRobin]

I usually nail for the kiss on the first date just to see if its worth trying for a second one, that usually provides all the spark the girl needs provided the date went well. If he doesnt have the kahunas to move in for the kill, maybe thats more the.problem you should focus on.

 

 

 

Nothing against you ktya... but for others reading this...

 

 

Any guy who tries to 'nail' me with a kiss on a first date, goes in for the 'kill', and think this equates with kahunas... absolutely never gets another date with me.

 

 

A mature man knows how to read a woman. Real 'kahunas' to me is when a guy is emotionally mature enough, and disciplined enough to restrain his urges long enough to let something real grow.

 

 

If he's trying to 'nail' a stranger (me), odds are pretty good he's trying to 'nail' lots of other strangers. Not interested. Even if he claims to have feelings that quick... there is no way that could be true and have those feelings based on anything real. I'm just a fantasy in his mind (and vice versa)... and the other shoe is bound to drop soon enough once he takes the hormonal blinders off.

[RedRobin]

gee talk about taking the fun out of dating. its a date. not a stranger on the street.

 

 

Unless they know each other in some capacity before going on that date (work, activities, mutual friends...)... and have for awhile... then yes, they are strangers.

[ponchsox]

You might want to start with someone who isn't depressed.

[Leigh 87]

People tell me I watched too many Disney movies. I don't care, that's how it works for me

 

 

 

Oh.

 

I get that alll the time:lmao:

 

Yet both my good friend and I have boyfriends who were nuts about us from date one.

 

Again, both of us and our bfs fell in love within a months. ... my bf said he fell in love the day of our second date, a week after first meeting.

 

Anyway, I can totally see why people think I'm delusional. .... it IS very early on to fall in love and it seldom happens.

 

People will advise us to wait for the spark, as most people aren't that into their partners from the day they meet; it takes months for most couples to really fall for each other.

 

 

 

 

Anyway. The OP doesn't feel much in the way of a spark. AND the guy isn't really compensating for lack of spark with other personal attributes.

[the_entertainer1]

I am guessing that the level of detail you provided (as it concerns the like/dislike) was to solicit more than just random advice here. However the manner in which you wrote it made it read absolutely clinical. That's not how this should work.

 

You should feel compelled to see a potential romantic partner after the second date. It doesn't have to be an "oh my God, I'm going to die if I don't see this person again"-feeling but there should be something more than the quantitative pros and cons list driving your decision.

 

If it were me, I'd spend my time finding someone else.

 

Thanks for your response. I'm not quite sure what you mean when you say that the level of detail I included was designed to solicit more than just random advice. I'm an analytical person. I agree that what I wrote sounds a bit clinical. I'm just not that good at the whole dating thing.

 

I'm sort of interested in seeing where things might lead with this guy, but when he mentioned the fact that he has depression, it did ring some alarm bells. The ex thing didn't worry me so much - she's still in his friendship group (they all went to high school together and shared close friends) but he said he still gets a bit weird about seeing her ... Or is that something that should worry me?

[the_entertainer1]

OP you seem unhealthily obsessed with he payment issue. Sounds like your both students, so you cant look at the guy like hes daddy warbucks whipping out his card to pay your way. I went on a first date with a girl and was ready to pay but she wanted to split the bill. I found it incredibly hot and had sex with her that night and still am a month later.

 

Dutch isnt bad, if he was expecting you to pay that would be bad.

 

I'm not "obsessed" with the payment issue. It's just that with all the other first dates I've been on, the guy has paid. I'm happy to pay for drinks on the first date, go dutch on consequent dates - I just think it's nice for the guy to pay on the first date. Just to clarify - we're not both students. This is my fourth year out of uni and I've been working full-time since then. I'm financially stable but ultimately, want to end up with someone who makes the same or more money than I do. I'm not being shallow, but realistic. Yes, I know money doesn't buy happiness, but being able to afford things and not stress about paying the bills certainly fosters more happiness than not!

 

Next you criticize him for living with his parents.. Just like you. Again you are dating a guy who is in the same situation as you. Not some stockbroker. If your looking for a sugar daddy you should not be dating a student at all.

 

Ok, so maybe I'm a little hypocritical here. But I'm looking to buy my own place in the next couple of months. His parents are pretty well off, let him live there for free and pay for his car & running expenses. I can see why he wouldn't want to move out. While I pay my parents board, it's still a pretty good lifestyle (minus some independence) that's why I'm still at home! Anyway - I'm not looking for a sugar daddy.

 

Next you think because hes the same height as you maybe thats a dealbreaker. I could see if he was shorter than you, some girls just cant do that. But the same height? Nothing wrong with that it is actually a plus because he wont have to lift you off the ground to kiss you and you wont need to lug around a foot stool.

 

So I know that looks aren't everything. He's just different from the guys I've been attracted to in the past. Not my usual 'type', in terms of height. I'm not even that tall at 165cm. Perhaps it's just a mental thing.

 

On the spark- have you given thought that hes just evaluating YOUR suitability for him, and that maybe your awkwardness around the bill is keeping him at a distance? Maybe try landing a date with him where money is out of the equation, like a romantic walk.

 

Again re spark: has he kissed you yet? Probably not if your posting this. I usually nail for the kiss on the first date just to see if its worth trying for a second one, that usually provides all the spark the girl needs provided the date went well. If he doesnt have the kahunas to move in for the kill, maybe thats more the.problem you should focus on.

 

No, he hasn't kissed me yet (or even tried to.) This has happened with a guy last year - we went on 10 dates before he tried to kiss me. On the other hand, I went on a couple of dates with a different guy over Christmas and we kissed on the first date. So I don't know what the deal is. Yes, maybe this guy is taking things slowly since his breakup. As for your suggestion about my 'awkwardness around the bill' - I haven't given him any indication that I was unhappy with going dutch.

 

Does this sound overly complicated, or am I making things complicated??

[veggirl]

Oh.

 

I get that alll the time:lmao:

 

Yet both my good friend and I have boyfriends who were nuts about us from date one.

 

Again, both of us and our bfs fell in love within a months. ... my bf said he fell in love the day of our second date, a week after first meeting.

 

Anyway, I can totally see why people think I'm delusional. .... it IS very early on to fall in love and it seldom happens.

 

People will advise us to wait for the spark, as most people aren't that into their partners from the day they meet; it takes months for most couples to really fall for each other.

 

 

 

 

Anyway. The OP doesn't feel much in the way of a spark. AND the guy isn't really compensating for lack of spark with other personal attributes.

 

Leigh I have to say I think you misunderstand what people mean when they say love takes time. It doesn't mean you don't feel chemistry and a spark with someone right away. I felt a major spark on the first date with my bf but I don't think we were in love, truly loved each other after just a month or so. I do believe actual love takes time to develop. That doesn't mean you aren't crazy about the other person the whole time.

[BradJacobs]

I'm sort of interested in seeing where things might lead with this guy, but when he mentioned the fact that he has depression, it did ring some alarm bells. The ex thing didn't worry me so much - she's still in his friendship group (they all went to high school together and shared close friends) but he said he still gets a bit weird about seeing her ... Or is that something that should worry me?

Depression isn't something to ignore but it's not something that necessarily has to be a big deal between you both. You're interested in seeing him so see him more.

 

About the ex? It should only worry you if you want to worry about it. It's out of your control and worrying about things that are out of your control isn't healthy.