I made a mistake and I can't stop thinking about it

[jasmine101]

I was in a really long term relationship, and I broke it off about a year a half ago because my ex was abusive. It took me a long time to start trusting men again.

 

However, I did my best to be vulnerable again and give love another chance. Since then, every single guy has used me for sex. They would treat me nicely until I gave in, and then they would start acting dismissive.

 

It's been really hard for me so I stopped dating completely about 6 months ago.

 

During those six months, there was this one guy that I was really attracted to. He is attracted to me too. He asked me out a couple times, but some people warned me against him so I didn't do anything about it.

 

Then, about a month ago, I decided to give him a chance. After that, we went on a couple dates and I felt like may be he was misjudged because he treated me well and he didn't try anything with me.

 

Two weeks ago, he asked me to go out for drinks with him. I agreed because I felt comfortable with him, and I really liked him. We went out for drinks (I only had two because I am light weight). Then, he drove us to a liquor store and bought some liquor. I found this to be quite sketchy, so I asked him why and he told me that he makes really good drinks and he wants me to try some. Then, he drove us to his place.

 

He didn't even make any fancy drinks. He basically just mixed a lot of gin with some lemonade and started chugging. He acted all hurt that I wasn't drinking and he asked me if I was doubting him because I have heard that he's a player. I didn't want to offend him, so I had some. I wanted to stop drinking, but he kept urging me to drink more. I am not going to lie... I am not very good at being assertive.

 

Once the alcohol was finished. He asked me if I could walk and then he slowly led me to his bedroom. At this point, I was ready to pass out so I figured we would just cuddle and sleep. Next thing I know he's kissing me and he's completely naked. I don't even really remember what happened but before I knew it... I was naked too, and we started having sex.

 

Right after the sex, he told me that he didn't want anything serious. And he kept talking about his ex, and he would not stop mentioning her name.

 

The next day, he dropped me off and told me that he had a good time and he would like to have me in his bed at least 5 times a week.

 

He texted me a couple times after that, but I didn't really respond.

Then, I finally sent him a text telling him that I have some of his stuff and I would like to return it and he hasn't texted me back.

 

First of all, I am not blaming him for the sex. It was just as much my fault because I wasn't more assertive.

However, I do regret it and every time I think about it... I feel disgusted with myself.

 

I wanted to wait until I found the right guy, and I think that is why I regret it. Also, even if I did try out the whole friends with benefits thing.. I don't think I would be okay with the fact that he's still not over his ex. The only reason they broke up is because she moved away, so I feel like he's only with me out of convenience.

 

There's a lot going through my head, and I am feeling worthless. I don't know how to stop thinking about it.

Also, the fact that he's not texting me back anymore is making me anxious (although I am not sure why).

 

Any thoughts? How do I move past this?

 

I almost want to give up due to these experiences. I feel like may be there is something wrong with me because I can't even find a decent guy who could like me for who I am. I am sick of such encounters. I have been really strong in the past, and I still want to maintain my faith in love but it's hard. All this is not making it any easier for me to believe that I will find the right guy someday and be in a healthy relationship...

Edited February 1, 2014 by jasmine101

[preraph]

That guy got you f'd up and took advantage of you. I'm sorry it happened to you. Please don't just blame yourself. He asked if you could walk because he was pretty sure you couldn't and wanted to be certain you were far enough gone!!

 

You say you have a problem saying no. That is dangerous for you. What happens is you let people others wouldn't have anything to do with come closer because you can't say no and hurt their feelings. Please remember these guys know what they're doing is unsavory! Your telling them no, well, it's not news to them someone disapproves! Don't even make excuses. Just say no and stop seeing someone once your antennae goes up and it will save you a lot of grief.

 

As for guys using you for sex. Unfortunately, many of them will - if you let them. If you haven't been around a guy long enough to know if he's a player, then maybe date within your circle where everyone knows everyone and you can get the lowdown before going out. You know, there's puritans out there who think a woman should wait X many dates before sleeping with someone. It makes sense up to a point. But in reality, there are guys out there just waiting to find a virginal innocent type and may wait 4 months for the chance to have sex -- and then still bail afterwards. There's all kinds. Find someone someone else recommends to be a straight-up respectful guy. Maybe that means expanding your social circle. Of course, don't date a friend's ex, though!

[Keke1]

That guy got you f'd up and took advantage of you. I'm sorry it happened to you. Please don't just blame yourself. He asked if you could walk because he was pretty sure you couldn't and wanted to be certain you were far enough gone!!

 

You say you have a problem saying no. That is dangerous for you. What happens is you let people others wouldn't have anything to do with come closer because you can't say no and hurt their feelings. Please remember these guys know what they're doing is unsavory! Your telling them no, well, it's not news to them someone disapproves! Don't even make excuses. Just say no and stop seeing someone once your antennae goes up and it will save you a lot of grief.

 

As for guys using you for sex. Unfortunately, many of them will - if you let them. If you haven't been around a guy long enough to know if he's a player, then maybe date within your circle where everyone knows everyone and you can get the lowdown before going out. You know, there's puritans out there who think a woman should wait X many dates before sleeping with someone. It makes sense up to a point. But in reality, there are guys out there just waiting to find a virginal innocent type and may wait 4 months for the chance to have sex -- and then still bail afterwards. There's all kinds. Find someone someone else recommends to be a straight-up respectful guy. Maybe that means expanding your social circle. Of course, don't date a friend's ex, though!

 

Took advantage? No. OP it may have gotten around that you are easy. Not saying it's true or not. This guy really just treated you like a you know what. Take more time away from dating and try to get tougher. If not you'll continue to be walked over. End that cycle quick as you can.

[MixedUpChick]

You say you have a problem saying no. That is dangerous for you. What happens is you let people others wouldn't have anything to do with come closer because you can't say no and hurt their feelings. Please remember these guys know what they're doing is unsavory! Your telling them no, well, it's not news to them someone disapproves! Don't even make excuses. Just say no and stop seeing someone once your antennae goes up and it will save you a lot of grief.

 

Yes, yes, YES... you need to work on this NOW. If you don't, you run the risk of much worse things happening to you. You shouldn't feel guilty about what happened, but you need to learn from it & work on being stronger. Don't give up on dating, but work on being more assertive & not letting men take advantage of you.

[mortensorchid]

That guy took advantage of you, no question. So for that you can assure yourself that yes, you were taken advantage of. With that being now said, the next logical step is for you to cease contact with this guy. Easier said than done, but I find it eerie that this is something similar to what I find myself going through.

 

 

Intellectually you know that this guy (or guys) is/are wrong for you, but you put yourself into some kind of denial saying that it will somehow work out for you. Some gals out there are so desperate to be in a relationship with a man that they go to lengths you cannot believe (giving them stuff, giving them money, buying them gifts, etc.). I don't know if you have ever done things like that, but if you have, you have to ask yourself how/why it is that you are attracting guys like this. Are you giving out a vibe that says "I will rescue you" or one that says "come here and treat me like this"?

 

 

This is what you need to do in order to stop attracting bad men ...

 

 

1) Recognize behaviors

2) Learn to say "I deserve better"

3) Learn to recognize that there are millions out there that you will meet in your life, and 99.9% of them do not deserve you

4) Recognize that you are worth so much more

5) Recognize that you are not arrogant to think this

 

 

Practice this. Every morning when you wake up tell yourself this in the mirror and apply it as time goes on. You will be better.

[SJC2008]

Right after the sex, he told me that he didn't want anything serious. And he kept talking about his ex, and he would not stop mentioning her name.

 

The next day, he dropped me off and told me that he had a good time and he would like to have me in his bed at least 5 times a week.

 

He texted me a couple times after that, but I didn't really respond.

Then, I finally sent him a text telling him that I have some of his stuff and I would like to return it and he hasn't texted me back.

 

First of all, I am not blaming him for the sex. It was just as much my fault because I wasn't more assertive.

However, I do regret it and every time I think about it... I feel disgusted with myself.

 

 

Any thoughts? How do I move past this?

 

I almost want to give up due to these experiences. I feel like may be there is something wrong with me because I can't even find a decent guy who could like me for who I am. I am sick of such encounters. I have been really strong in the past, and I still want to maintain my faith in love but it's hard. All this is not making it any easier for me to believe that I will find the right guy someday and be in a healthy relationship...

 

I'm sorry to hear what happened. First thing's first, while you are partially responsible for what happened you are not at fault as much as him. People like this scum bag prey on people like you and he knew what he was doing from the start.

 

Situations like these really hit home with me because I have a sister who is very vulnerable and has been used countless times. Not just for sex but for money too. I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell her. The only person who will protect and look out for you is you, nobody else. You know you're a vulnerable person so as soon as you seen this situation "brewing" when he bought alcohol is when you should of put on the brakes. Make something up like you have a headache etc whatever. It's easier than saying no.

 

Wait these guys out when it comes to sex. If a guy really likes you he'll have no problem waiting a month or two, mabye even three months. It may be hard to beleive that there are men who will wait in these times but we're out there.

[Eivuwan]

Op, decent people won't make you do things you're uncomfortable with unless it's something positive like for your health or something. You can't change the past, but keep in mind that things like guys pressuring you to drink probably indicates that they're shady.

[FitChick]

During those six months, there was this one guy that I was really attracted to. He is attracted to me too. He asked me out a couple times, but some people warned me against him...

 

Yet you ignored them. You are your own worst enemy. If you met a man who treated you well, you'd be bored.

[ChessPieceFace]

I feel like may be there is something wrong with me because I can't even find a decent guy who could like me for who I am.

 

Because you go after players who bring you over to their place to get you drunk and use you for sex. Fix your selection process.

[Antenna_Of_Destiny]

If they were both drunk it can be said that they were taking advantage of each other.

[Keke1]

She absolutely did not get taken advantage of

[jasmine101]

Took advantage? No. OP it may have gotten around that you are easy....

 

Okay you think that the guy didn't take advantage of me and that is fine. It's your opinion and I respect that. I am not even trying to play the victim here. I have mentioned already that I understand that it's my fault too because I wasn't assertive enough. However, I am not easy.

 

When I wrote that guys in the past (since my long term relationship) have used me for sex... there's only been 3 guys in the past year and a half. For the 6 months I wasn't even seeing anybody. I was just working on myself. During those 6 months, this guy kept pursuing me but I kept my distance because a few of the girls warned me against him.

 

So why did I give him chance in the end? Because I believe in giving people chances. I don't let rumors define people, and the same girls who were telling me to stay away from him... they are always all over him at the club.

 

So when he explained himself to me and told me that the girls are just jealous.. I felt like there was some credibility to what he was saying.

 

I know now that I might be a complete idiot for believing him and giving him a chance, but I have worked really hard to learn to be vulnerable. So, I gave him a chance. Sadly, it didn't work out for the best... I don't know what else I can say...

[jasmine101]

Yet you ignored them. You are your own worst enemy. If you met a man who treated you well, you'd be bored.

 

I already responded to this but I will answer again.

 

The girls that told me to stay away from him actually confused me even further, and pushed me into believing what the guy was telling me.

 

They told me that he's a player and I should stay away, but every single time that I have gone to the club... those same girls were always all over him.

 

However, he didn't even pay attention to them but he came and talked to me.

 

This is exactly why I decided to finally get back into dating and give him a chance. On our first date, I asked him about his reputation because I wanted to hear his side of the story. He told me that they were just jealous because he was paying attention to me and not them.

 

Although, I didn't fully believe his reason.. I witnessed behavior that fit his reasoning. So, I went on more dates with him.

 

Yes, they were right and I am sad that I didn't listen to them. I did resist him for like 6 months until I decided to give him a chance because of what I was noticing.

 

Bad judgement on my part I guess.

[D-Lish]

If you got a sketchy feeling when he pulled into the liquor store- that was your cue to bail- instead, you went along with the plan, got hammered, and ended up in a bad situation.

 

People can only take advantage of you if you allow them to.

 

I'm not saying this guy isn't a bit of a predator, but you heard bad things about him, went out with him despite that. You got a bad feeling about the liquor store, yet went along with it. You didn't want to drink with him, yet you did.

 

It's not that you attract bad guys, you actively seek them. You can change that simply by saying no.

[jasmine101]

I know that I'm not assertive and I need to work on that. I do regret what happened which is why I'm having trouble moving past it. I know I've made mistakes. I'm mad at myself to be honest.

[Keke1]

Okay you think that the guy didn't take advantage of me and that is fine. It's your opinion and I respect that. I am not even trying to play the victim here. I have mentioned already that I understand that it's my fault too because I wasn't assertive enough. However, I am not easy.

 

When I wrote that guys in the past (since my long term relationship) have used me for sex... there's only been 3 guys in the past year and a half. For the 6 months I wasn't even seeing anybody. I was just working on myself. During those 6 months, this guy kept pursuing me but I kept my distance because a few of the girls warned me against him.

 

So why did I give him chance in the end? Because I believe in giving people chances. I don't let rumors define people, and the same girls who were telling me to stay away from him... they are always all over him at the club.

 

So when he explained himself to me and told me that the girls are just jealous.. I felt like there was some credibility to what he was saying.

 

I know now that I might be a complete idiot for believing him and giving him a chance, but I have worked really hard to learn to be vulnerable. So, I gave him a chance. Sadly, it didn't work out for the best... I don't know what else I can say...

 

I should have emphasized MAY. Of course I don't know that to be true. The way I was reading just seemed that way to me. Apologies anyway.

You still need to almost be mean. If ppl see a weakness they'll attack that. Seriously most ppl are selfish and only think about themselves. When you find a selfless person it'll be worth it. Let them know up front what you are about. Have to weed out the bad ppl to find the good ones.