Was it me or him?

[sterlingr10]

I am recovering from a break up that was very hard for me and slightly still is.I am a single mom of 2, once divorced. I had a guy I dated when I was a teen find me on Facebook and we reconnected as friends. He married the mother of his child, when we were beginning dating he told me that he was having a baby, this was a shocker to a 18 year old. We broke up due to scheduling conflict and he got into a relationship pretty quickly. As a friend, I supported his marriage and understood that every marriage has its ups and downs. Eight months into our friendship, he told me that they were getting a divorce, her decision.

 

I asked if it was what he wanted to do and if counseling or separation was an option? Nope, it was a done deal. A couple months later, we both started having that attraction and I caved in pursuing it though I wanted the paperwork to be finalized or at least going. We both have children and they got along beautifully, even with the age gap. Talk of the future and plans were discussed. Almost two years went on like this, his wife knew of me and she was having relationships of her own, one was a live in with her and her son. There had been talks of relocating to a different state, and finally third time was the charm. It sent my ex in a downward spiral and I tried to give him space to adjust and be with his son.

 

I did not feel comfortable with the interaction sometimes with him and his wife, they are no filter no boundary type and from what Ive been told no one has ever understand or can relate to their friendship. She would take him and their son to dinner and would still want him to attend family functions off and on, I was not invited. I tried to respect her as a mother, but was worried about hurting their son and look like I did not care or was supportive of him. With the move coming closer, his wife was requesting more help from him and he never said no. The weekends were the only time that we had to see each other and one day was used for sports for his son. The last two and half months, he hardly was able to see me and my boys, at the time he called them our boys.

 

I try to be an understanding and yes I did voice my disappointment, which was hard on both of us. Knowing the type of dedicated father he is, I knew that he was not going to be able to stand by and not follow his son to the destination. He said no there was no logical way and that if there was he would discuss it with me. I had the idea of putting money aside each month to have him fly out and on vacations we could drive out there. We had a rough patch and seemed to try to get back on being our old selves (affectionate and not sad). On my oldest sons birthday, he forgot and could not come and see him for he was at his sons baseball game.(he never missed game day except once my birthday but was distracted).

 

The next day he broke up with me stating the reason that he couldn't hurt me anymore and that he had to follow his son somehow. He knew that this was hard on me and gave me time to process, but never said goodbye to my children and me to his son. That really hurt, but I wanted to respect his son, whom thought we broke up awhile ago but was still coming to my home and interacting with my children and me going to his games. A month later, he came by to drop off some stuff that was left over and a payment for our phone bill. He surprised me with a gift that my boys gave last Christmas, a picture of us and my boys.

 

I became very distraught...not the best actions from me but what was he thinking by doing that?From that moment, he dropped me off any communication and social network and left me with financial responsibilities that he said he would take care of. His wife took back his last name after all this time and was with him everywhere before her and their son moved. He had told me and others that he would never go back and that there was nothing between them, just parents to their son.

 

Okay, after all that......besides having a relationship with someone that would not get a divorce because he needed medical coverage even though she tried to drop him from hers, what did I do wrong? With him, I opened up, was myself and communicated.

 

Any advice will help. This is the third time since they have met that they have gotten back together so obviously there's something that I didn't really see or I did ask and was told something else.

Edited February 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Grumpybutfun]

Honestly, it sounds as though you did nothing wrong except trust the word of a man who was conflicted be tween you and his wife and son. You call her his wife so I assume they never actually got a divorce. Sometimes you have to look at what people do rather than what they say. Insurance is an excuse he could live with to not have to do what he didn't want which was end that marriage. He may have subconsciously been waiting for his wife to fall back in love with him and finish sowing her wild oats so they could all be a happy family. You would be amazed at the power a dumper has over a dumpee. Just check out some of the threads here on this subject. People go from being indifferent in the relationship to becoming obsessed after they are dumped.

I like to think for your sake he was subconsciously waiting for her to want him back, but it is possible that you were used. Be glad you got out of this situation and don't date married men no matter what sob story they tell you. It only leads to drama and pain or drama and stability issues.

In support,

Grumps

Edited February 1, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[sterlingr10]

Thank you Grumps, I have had to look at it as I got used by someone that really does not like to be alone. You look at his past relationship history he has always had someone and has a long history with his wife. I do not know if their relationship can rebuild with 2 years of seperation and other relationships with other people. That is their issue to deal with and the after effects of these actions on their teen son. No I do not want to be obsessed, he doesn't not want me or to be a part of my boys lives. I thinks its the concept that I loved this person and let him in into our lives ( my boys are young and their dad is not a part of their lives so this was the first father figure). I am fighting the guilt of being the other woman, I know he told me some lines and I was foolish. I never really knew this guy and I dont know if any one really does. His wife knew about me and me and my ex even socialized with her and her then live in boyfriend. It is going to take time for me to heal, even if he wasn't married I was with him almost 2 years. I need space, he on the other hand moved on like he usually does. I dodged a bullet.....

[kalimata]

He does sound like he will ever leave her. Move on with your life. Stop wasting your precious energy with this POS.