Long: Why am I only wanted as a last resort?

[Els]

OP, IMO, you have a bit of a flair for over-dramatization. I apologize, but that is the kindest way I can think of to put it.

 

I recall a post you made previously. It was a two-page long affair romanticizing a FWB whom you'd met for sex a couple of times and who had a girlfriend (although probably not at the same time he slept with you, if I recall correctly). You compared yourselves to Romeo and Juliet and wrote quite the illustrious poem about it.

 

Now you are comparing suggestions for 'settling' to being raped daily. Have you any idea how that sounds like, especially to people who HAVE actually been raped, let alone daily?

 

I'm not saying settling is the answer, but most reasonably sensible people are able to say, "I'm not going to settle" without feeling the need to compare it to rape. Reading that makes me wonder what else you are over-dramatizing, and how you must come across to others. It doesn't matter whether you are quieter IRL or not. If you see nothing wrong with likening settling to rape, you likely don't see anything wrong with MANY of the other things you have said.

[man_in_the_box]

Now you are comparing suggestions for 'settling' to being raped daily. Have you any idea how that sounds like, especially to people who HAVE actually been raped, let alone daily?

 

I'm not saying settling is the answer, but most reasonably sensible people are able to say, "I'm not going to settle" without feeling the need to compare it to rape. Reading that makes me wonder what else you are over-dramatizing, and how you must come across to others. It doesn't matter whether you are quieter IRL or not. If you see nothing wrong with likening settling to rape, you likely don't see anything wrong with MANY of the other things you have said.

 

Totally agreed, it comes over to me as some lame attempt at garnering sympathy because boo-****ing-hoo I can't find my hot, tall, ripped, intelligent guy whose looking to commit to me. And if I can't get those that means I'm getting raped... Yeah whatever.

[burningashes]

There's a psychological phenomenon - I forget what it's called - but it's essentially falsely thinking that others have the same general worldview as you have.

 

Basically you have no idea about what attracts a man, and wrongly think that what YOU find attractive in a man is the same thing, or holds the same value, as what a man finds attractive or holds value in a woman.

 

Essentially everything you mentioned that makes you, in your opinion, a great catch, is essentially meaningless when it comes to most men. Honestly - you can be a "brilliant artist, ambitious, know multiple languages, educated, etc." and still be a horrible girlfriend/wife/mother. Nobody I know is attracted to those things you mention. Adele - brilliant singer/songwriter. I don't know one man that is attracted to her. It's meaningless. Melissa McCarthy - hilarious, great comedic actress. Nobody finds her attractive, that I know of.

 

Here are the only thing men care about:

 

1. Am I attracted to her physically?

2. Would she make a good girlfriend/wife/partner etc.?

 

That's it.

 

Of course we all have different worldviews. It is a bit confusing being told not to settle for anything less than what we deserve, and then in the same breath, say not to aim too high. Nobody is expecting a perfect carbon copy of themselves in their partners, but their partners should have qualities that's attractive.

 

I certainly wouldn't date a couch potato, never mind settle for one. I'd rather be alone and wait for a man who can hold his ground with me. All I ask for is that he have his own life, have plans for the future and isn't afraid of learning new things like the things I have to offer. I probably didn't phase my answer very well, but basically, he's got to have his own interests, like I do, and are passionate about it. That keeps me interested in a guy, more than sex and anything else. If that's not there, it's not going to work.

 

I've dated guys who didnt' have much interests other than maybe video games and golf. I had a really hard time talking to them about things because they weren't interested in a lot of things and weren't very receptive to trying new things out. We had nothing to talk about, and I would feel like I'm the one who makes the relationship interesting I'd rather be alone than be in a relationship like that again.

 

I don't think I have a skewed perspective of the world, I'm a woman who knows what she wants out of a guy and I know what I need to remain interested. Our values may be different than of a man's, but it doesn't mean that we're being unrealistic either. The poster might have been over dramatic with her long post, but that is the essence I've gotten, that she's wants a guy who can keep her on toes. I can definitely relate to that.