xAkulax Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I'm sorry but if you don't love your husband then why not get a divorced isn't that better then stabbing him in the back or is it just easier to cake eat
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Namaste. I made and make a v conscious effort to focus on H 'a good qualities and not take him for granted . If you and your wife are together, there is a v good chance she's repenting , appreciates u wayyyy more than before or during the A, has renewed appreciation and respect for you in her life and is very grateful for being given a second chance . If she keeps making a genuine effort ,she'll get there . I'm not sure how long it takes , I'm still haunted by the ghost of OM but it gets better . I had guilt right from the start . I would overcome it during my interactions with OM but then it would come back with a vengeance . I never got over my guilt . I think I told myself I'm better than this and can have a better M with OM since the chemistry , attraction and connection felt so strong and wonderful . I did what many do to justify an A, focus on all the bad things that ever happened in my M and telling myself it must be a bad M since all these negative things r there . I didn't really blame H a lot , just convinced myself that we'd bith be better off ending this M . My kid was quite young at that time, I didn't think much abt it . I was so naiive I thought my child and OM' child will be best friends and we'll be a happily blended family living happily ever after . Hope this helps! If you and wife are together and trying to make your M work , I wish and pray that ooper wala blesses you guys with love, trust and respect for each other and make u janam janam ka sathi . Best
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I think it can be true. Not every husband and every marriage is created equal. True but when one is in the middle if an A , the spouse will ALWAYS be boring and the AP will always be more exciting ! Isn't that what keeps one in the A ?
XenoMouse Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 of course! in the middle of the A everything with the AP is interesting and exciting thats why both parties throw all logic and rationale out the window and get involved in something they know is inevitably going to lead to a bad place. I notice that you speak of the guilt you experienced quite frequently. When i was in the A my xMW would tell me of how guilty she felt when things were rocky and as a single OM who has never cheated on any of my past gfs i never really knew where she was coming from. I could understand why she felt guilty but the degree to which she felt guilty i never really took time to understand...maybe because i was selfishly pursuing what i wanted out of the A. She would tell of how bad she felt going home and having to see him afterwards somedays..and i would just say "yeah i know" or something lame like that. At first i dont think she felt any remorse but after our second DDay when she said she cried and begged to stay it must have felt so horrible to go home after our rendezvous and assure him that it was all finally over. I know i might be rambling but even though she would express guilt she would never really show or convey to me how much it was really killing her (or maybe i just wasnt listening). From reading your posts i can now see that it must have been an overwhelmingly difficult situation for her to be in...im not saying that it was all cake for me..but i now have a better understanding of some of the things she was struggling with. Thank you for posting it has been of wonderful help!!!
RickFox Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 True but when one is in the middle if an A , the spouse will ALWAYS be boring and the AP will always be more exciting ! Isn't that what keeps one in the A ? True, but for me she said it two years later after having no contact up until that point AND what got me is she always referred to her husband as"he" or "him". Making him a non entity it seemed, even did this after we spoke again last summer.....
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Xeno, yes for me the guilt was pretty terrible and almost always there . This is when my A was basically EA and we met up just once during the 4 years . But that one physical encounter wreaked havoc on me . I think because it involved lying, planning , covering tracks etc . I'm not saying EA are any less damaging to a M, just it's easier to delete a couple of txts or emails . Still , my guilt was pretty bad .. Rick .. Yep, mea culpa .. It's always him, his he .. Totally did this . It's called using distancing language or something , yo assuage one's guilt .
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 True but when one is in the middle if an A , the spouse will ALWAYS be boring and the AP will always be more exciting ! Isn't that what keeps one in the A ? Some people have affairs due to boredom, and these are the people you are referring to. The MAP may not realize that this is the distilled down reason why they are having an affair. On the other hand, some people have affairs because their marriage truly is bad. These people end up leaving.
Got it Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 This is the first time I've come on a forum like this because being in an A is a v isolating experience . Reading post here makes me feel I'm not alone in my torment ( ah I tend to b dramatic sometimes) . If u was bored, id b on a horseback riding forum or a forum of a second language I'm trying to learn Okay . . . . so you are telling people where/how they should post? I have been on a forum discussing this since my affair started. I am very big on research and wanted to learn more about what I was doing and how others handled things. I was on another site and I am forever grateful for the lovely ladies and guys who were there for me. And so I am still on now. Maybe if I was in your shoes I wouldn't be posting here once I moved on past this. But my situation is very different and so I like to weigh in when I can. I ask why you never thought to post about why you were in an affair when you were and only when it is over does it register to try and figure out your whys.
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 (edited) Pop,I agree but IMO of all the reasons, boredom is truly the worst reason to go betray one's spouse and play with someone else's feelings . Even if the M is bad, an A is a horrible way of finding that out . Got it, who am i to tell anyone what forums to go to or what to post? I wondered , I asked �� Why not during the A? Because I was IN the A, I wasn't looking for answers or closure . I was just somehow trying to suppress the guilt and justify in every which way I could. Also, I was pretty busy , other than my career and family life , I was keeping an A going . Really I had no time!! I appreciate how Ure here helping others with your experience and insights . Thanks Edited February 3, 2014 by txgrl 1
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Hope this helps! If you and wife are together and trying to make your M work , I wish and pray that ooper wala blesses you guys with love, trust and respect for each other and make u janam janam ka sathi . Best TXgirl: many thanks! Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me. I pray and hope that my WW and I can work things out. It really is helpful for me to hear the perspective of someone like you. Keep posting. I am sending you strength and hope. You sound like an incredible woman. Wishing you the best.
XenoMouse Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I too did the same thing...i didnt start posting until the A was over. During the A i had no time as my thoughts were so consumed with what was going on i just didnt think to look for support. I wish i had signed up much much earlier it would have saved me a lot of brain cells...posters here kno exactly what was happening to me and recognize the hoops i was jumping thru. As you said earlier txgrl it was a very isolating experience and except for the ppl here it seems like that although ppl have advice to give no one seems to really kno what you go thru. I dunno whether the A or the aftermath is/was more painful. During the A i remember my head almost constantly pounding but that was always compensated with the incredible highs and dopamine spikes, of course, only to be thrown back into the horrible lows. I wonder if some of the pain of NC is due to letting go of the conditioning that gets inputted into our brains during the rollercoaster of the affair. In missing my xAP im always so concentrated on her and the things i miss about her that i ALWAYS forget about me and how i felt during all the low periods and how intense that pain would be. Maybe its just not a letting go but a reprogramming that needs to take place. Still the pain of never seeing or talking to someone who meant so much to me again is always there.
Wambo Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 txtgrl, I would like your opinion on my situation which had been bugging me for the last several month. * Both I and my AP work in the same building. * EA ended near the end of 2012. * EA started again in early 2013 only for me to end it when I placed her into a difficult position. * Attempts to savage our friendship failed. * ExAp tried to restart the affair, weeks later she was to upset to be near me. At that point I went from LC to full NC. Here is the question. My exAP appears to be following a pattern and I'm wondering why she is doing this. Every four or five weeks my exAP would come up to me and say hello before leaving me alone for another month. During this month of NC she sometimes looks at me, other times do her best to aviod me and finally she pretend I don't exist. My impression is she would be out of the fog by now and the question is why is she still contacting me. Is it A, She is just being friendly, B, She is to upset to let me go, or C, She want to keep me around if her relationship goes south?
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Kalimata, thanks and no, I'm not an ' incredible ' woman . I might ve been if I had resisted temptation and not compromised one if my v basic morals .hoping to become a better human being tho . Xeno, yes!! Remember shawshank redemption? that one guy got out of jail but couldn't survive in the outside world . Sometimes we just get used to thinking and feeling a certain way . We have to get out of our own prisons ( the A) and learn to live and enjoy the outside world . It requires a complete reprogramming .
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 This is my impression: I read some of your backstory . She 's not married right? Had a bf? If she wanted to be with you, it's not like she has to break up a M , for gods sakes . Breaking up a relationship , though hurtful, has none of the emotional , financial or familial complications of a divorce . SHE IS A PLAYER! Run for the hills !!! Save yourself . She's not worth the pain . She's playing games . She just craves attention . I don't know how else to day it . GO NC!!!!! Never talk to her except the polite hi and nod and smile , nothing else . No she's not out of the fog . But that's her problem, not yours. Did you ever try to lose weight? The time to say no to temptation when you see your fav cookie at the store is AT the STORe, don't buy it . Once u bring it home , you will eat it!! Am I making sense? 1
Wambo Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Thank you. There are a few more question I would like to add but I need to do it through PM. I had miss out a few additional details which could easily expose my idenity.
Wambo Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 I will try to keep this cryptic as possible because I'm having problems finding private posts. * She splits with her boyfriend after I ended the affair. They got back together when the boyfriend threaten to punish her if she lsft him. It's a form of bullying and he was trying to insert control over her. * They both got a mortage together when she rebooted the affair. Do you still think she is a player or there's a possbility the boyfriend has some sort of control over her?
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I can't PM but even if I could, I won't with a member of the opposite sex . Just a boundary I wanna keep in place . Hope you understand . Yes! She should go to the cops if he's threatening to harm her . They're only a phone call away in this country. She's not a child , let her work this out by herself . She's not married to him . it's really not all that hard for her ti get out if she really wanted to . Make it v clear to her that it's a NC. If he's ever single and seeks u out , u guys can take it from there . 1
Wambo Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Once again thank you. There nothing more to add other than to clear a few bits up. I wouldn't say he threatened to harm her but it was very petty and it's the sort of behaviour you would aspect on a playground. It's very childish but cruel at the sametime. He was going to punish her if she leave him by hurting her emotionally. What a great guy and there's me never shouted at her for the pain she caused me. The only other thing to add he does appear to have her under his lease and am I starting to notice more of it. One time she told me what he does everyday. My first impression was simply WTF and when I told some of my friends, they too were shocked and confused by it. It's not normal behaviour and in a way it's no difference when older MM target women either in their late teens or early twenties for their affairs.
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 All the more reason for her yo walk isn't it? U can't ' rescue ' her . She needs to make that decision . I bet she know Ure there for her . She has your support if she needs . Seems like there r no kids involved . Then really!!!! What's stopping her?? Also, u know abt this guy what SHE tells you . She may be rewriting relationship history , focussing in all negative or outright lying . Red the posts on this board . People resort to all kinds of things to keep the A going because it gives them a sense of being desired and being controlled . She sounds like trouble ! Stay away from her . It's the lack if NC that is not letting your fog lift .. Or hers ..
harrybrown Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 So your H can not compete with the OM? Your OM cheated with a married woman. Your H is more of a man than the OM, just for that reason. Do not cheat. Get divorced first. Then have your fun, but do not be so selfish as to lie, cheat and abuse someone you agreed to marry. You may have liked your spouse at one time, but let your spouse go and be happy with someone that actually cares about your spouse. How would you feel if your spouse ripped your heart out of your chest, cut it into little pieces and threw it into the fire? Then for good measure you took a dump on it. How do you clean it, put it back together, put it back in the chest and get the heart started pumping again? So tell your spouse the entire truth, you would want the truth if they had an affair on you. Then file for divorce and go enjoy the OM. But you will have to face reality with the OM, and all the lies that they told you will be revealed. And they will cheat on you. Enjoy. Should this be in the OM/OW forum?
Author txgrl Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 (edited) Errr ... I don't think u read the entire thread . I'm not sure what Ure talking abt . It was on that forum . The moderator moved it here, I'm not sure why or when? Moderation response: Inquire privately why. You were advised why within minutes of this posting. Edited February 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Response to inquiry
Popsicle Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 Pop,I agree but IMO of all the reasons, boredom is truly the worst reason to go betray one's spouse and play with someone else's feelings . Even if the M is bad, an A is a horrible way of finding that out . yes, I agree boredom is the worst reason of all to betray one's spouse. And of course having an affair is bad even when the marriage truly is bad, but at least they really mean what they are feeling and that doesn't change.
Author txgrl Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 Harry this is what I wrote - Husbands can't compete with OM, Life with H is reality, with OM fantasy. I ws trying to say life with H is the real deal , not with the OM . Sorry if u understood it any other way . BH yes the demons r there but that's what they r demons, nothing else . I'm not pining for OM. Read the whole thread if u can . I've found a while new appreciation for H and am v thankful for H and my M . This was on another board, the moderators moved if here .
BHsigh Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 -Unless you are a serial cheater, I can't imagine an A without emotion. There is very strong emotion. - I miss him terribly, horribly, awfully although I broke it off. I did go back breadcrumbing trying to lure him back in once or twice but really, the process of finally accepting that its ended had started. -It might have gone on longer but the moment he told me he found someone, I started to pull away. He offered to keep me as OW ( i find that so funny somehow) but I didn't want to mess up his marriage... any marriage.. in any way. -If he got in touch with me, I will probably not cave. - I admit I was being selfish by having the A, but I do have a lot of genuine affection and respect for OM. I wasn't plotting and scheming to abuse and use OM, things didn't work out. - Husbands can't compete with OM, Life with H is reality, with OM fantasy. Rewriting marriage history was unconscious for me but yeah, I did do it to justify my decisions and actions. This is what I was talking about, if I ever found out that my wife thought any of this I would leave right away. This isn't a true reconciliation, you should be indifferent towards POSOM, not missing him terribly, horribly or awfully. Let's not even get started on the "probably won't cave". Does your husband know any of this?!?! I understand that this was moved here and you didn't post it here, it should be moved back, this is horrible for any BS and a bad example for a WS on how to fix their marriage after an A.
Author txgrl Posted February 4, 2014 Author Posted February 4, 2014 I've asked the moderator to move it but I can't move it myself , obviously . BH, I'm extremely sorry .. This was my very first post , I write without thinking much . Within the last couple if days , reading posts here, my feelings and realizations have changed dramatically . Eg I will not cave if he ever contacted me , and my respect for OM has diminished remarkably considering he enabled cheating. I was wronger but he was also wrong . These r/ were my and my opinions alone . I didn't have a dday so the 'sense ' is coming back slowly and surely . Your wife's process and journey may b completely different than mine . Again , I'm extremely sorry for the hurt I've caused because of my selfishness , and the hurt caused to you guys . I screwed up.
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