Author txgrl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Yes, there were quite a few rounds of my breaking up, intense withdrawal , making contact again ( usually by me, but also him) , severe guilt and self loathing , breakup again . I tried everything, sent him an article abt infidelity the last time lol ... The diff was I always txted or emailed to breakup and go NC, always saying something like I'm sorry we can't continue, this is so wrong ' blah blah , while he would just stop texting or responding . No, being with the H does not help at all . I'm hurting like hell hence on this forum for support .No, I haven't just slipped back into my M, I'm shattered and fighting the emptiness and his ghost all the time . No, there is no relief. The relief that I feel is from the overwhelming guilt that I had not just cheating H but also not being fair to OM . There's relief as in I can leave my phone on the kitchen table and not worry who sees my txts . No, I think about him and whether he misses me . I guess the diff is that I also have to look at H and reality comes crashing down . It's a v v difficult place to be at . I hope and pray to stay on the right path . Hope that helps! Hope your day is brighter now
Author txgrl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Yes, I think she has feelings for u hence the NC .... Or we'll break
PurpleCardigan Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Right before she went NC she said she would because just talking to me was causing cracks in her wall...does this mean she still has a lot of feelings for me so she has to push me away? lol..not having a good morning. XenoMouse: As a single OW, I do think that is easier for the married person to slip back into the marriage. However, by reading other threads here it seems that sometimes that is easy and sometimes it is not. I will say that reading how people choose "comfort" and "stability" makes me feel like trash as if my love or being with me ranks below such mundane-ness as stability. But I know that's my FOO talking. I'm in a similar spot as you -- trying to let go emotionally of the xMM -- but I'm coming to learn (like from your quote above) that my ex was confused and selfish. He gave me the same mixed messages. But it doesn't matter if your xMW still has strong feelings for you...she's choosing her marriage (just like mine is choosing his). My xMM said something similar but over time I'm realizing that he was just shifting responsibility from himself and blaming me. Notice that this is her issue...these "cracks in the wall" are her issue and instead of dealing with them head-on she's screwing with your mind/self esteem by blaming you and her only solution is to push you away and not face her issues head-on. Don't dwell on if she still has feelings for you or not, she is actively choosing someone else by being NC with you. By remembering this, I'm frequently angry at my xMM and it does help take a more balanced view of who he is and the fact that his actions don't show that he loves/loved me like he claimed he did. I wish you peace this morning and I hope it gets better for you as you grieve the loss of this relationship. Know that I'm in the same spot, and as alone as you may feel -- you are not alone. 1
Author txgrl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Tupac shakoor said' You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the **** on.' Purple , I agree with most of what u say . But remember just like the OM, I was in the affair fog and pretty darn confused and conflicted myself . Yes, I made poor decisions of going back and forth just like you made the poor decision of staying with MM when you had the choice to shut that door shut and walk away ...
Author txgrl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 How is it easier to end a very intense relationship and not be able to grieve it the way I want to , have to keep a smile on my face for H and kids , while going through the withdrawal , also go through the guilt and trying to make amends? I'm not complaining . I have to deal with my self created mess but I'm not sure if it's easier for M AP , we're just not allowed to show the pain .
A.Moscote Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Be strong txgrl. It was a 4 years A, surely there are a lot memories and hopes and regrets. Considering also the level of your attraction to AP, it's not going to be a click and erase process. Just have a question. What will you do/plan if somehow your AP becomes available? Or further he wants to start a life together with you? Sorry if that Q sounds a bit setback to you. I know it's just a hypothetical, but it's an important one for you to consolidate what you really want. Don't be sad. Even by bit, everything you do is a progress. p.s. Sorry to Tupac too, I flipped his quote.
Got it Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Our marriage was not over when the A started . We did have some issues, like all marriages and instead of addressing those issues, I made the poor decision of participating in an A to run away from it all . I did start divorce and it was totally confusing and devastating to h, I could see him wilting like a flower ( can u say that about a man?) and our kid started to look depressed because he caught on the unhappiness in the household . I was trying to get divorced ONLY for OM . That is a bad bad reason for divorce . Also, my H's faults were magnified in my eyes because inwardly I was always comparing him to OM, consciously it subconsciously . I'm just curious, if Ure happily together with AP, what makes you come on this forum? This question has always confused me. Do people only come here when they are unhappy or in need? Why do I came here? Boredom, wanting to add another/different voice to others, to add some insight as someone that has been there before, etc. Why do you come here?
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 AM, he WAS single , available and quite willing to start a life with me for 4 years . The only thing that he didn't want to do was to be there when I started my divorce . I didn't leave my H and M , he ha to move on sooner or later . I wish him the best and I'm going to stay away from him an his new relationship at all costs . If I ever became single , I would try and find out his relationship status , if he's single at that time, I'd tie the knot with him in a Beat, no qs asked . That so if he still wants ne . I have a feeling he will
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) This is the first time I've come on a forum like this because being in an A is a v isolating experience . Reading post here makes me feel I'm not alone in my torment ( ah I tend to b dramatic sometimes) . Edited February 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
kalimata Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 txgirl: many thanks for your post. This is quite interesting for me as a BH. Would you mind answering the following questions: As a WW did you ever find reasons to vilify your H to justify the A? How did you explain this to your kids? Did you ever tell them about OM? Once you decided to leave OM, how long did it take before you stopped thinking about him all the time? Did your H ever come begging to you to stay in the M? If so did the begging and pleading make him less attractive to you?
XenoMouse Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 txgrl you have been so incredibly kind and helpful. Your words of support were very comforting, however, they were tinged as i am sorry that you have to endure this horrible experience. My grief over this situation is apparent, i can come home and skulk when i need to and be ridiculous as much as i want. I cant imagine how tough it would be to have to put on a smile and act as if nothing was wrong and go thru the grief and withdrawal with very little outlet. Do you get moments to grieve or do you have to be a rock 24/7? Does your H recognize what you're going thru? Can he sense that theres something wrong? My heart does go out to you and im sending as much positive vibes your way as i can. I too joined this forum because i found that having an A was in intensely isolating experience and i dont know what i'd do without the support i have received from it, it feel so good to know that im not alone. PurpleCardigan i feel the same way as you do...after experiencing and seeing our love transform a person i dont get how they choose to go back to the comfort and stability and mundane-ness of something that obviously didnt make them that happy to begin with. I know if i was in their shoes id recognize it in a heartbeat instead of dragging both of us thru all this pain. I understand what you mean be her actively choosing to stay in her marriage but not to hear a word from her or to think that i never will seems so crazy. It feels like they have so much more because they get that someone else they are choosing over you so shouldnt they be happy?, they get them during the nights and mornings which i find to he the hardest times, and they never have to be alone. Thank you for your comforting words. It just feels like there is no end in sight to this grieving i hope one day it'll be over with.
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 As a WW did you ever find reasons to vilify your H to justify the A? All the time!! A lot of it is unconscious , it's called rewriting the marital history . We tend to go back and find fault with H and marriage in general , focussing on the bad . I didn't bad mouth him all the time to OM, I did say some bad things about H some of which were true . But again , I think I did it to justify my poor decision . My kids are v young to know or understand what an A , marriage or divorce means . I still think about him a lot but now it's more grieving and less pining . But it hasn't been too long since we did complete NC . It might help you to know that I feel a lot of respect for my H now and also I think love . It s not the same kind of love that I had before I knew OM, but it's there . He did grovel a little bit. No, it didn't make him less attractive at all . The idea of divorce was devastating for him esp because he didn't know about my A . I think he loves me a lot so was desperate to keep the M intact . I give him a lot of credit for his effort at that time and his patience although I was being difficult . Good luck! I'm sorry Ure a BH . Hope no one ever has to go through that kind of betrayal again . Hope that helped!
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Thanks!!no, for me there's no respite . The demons are almost always there . I keep v v busy , usually. I try v hard ti focus on H , it's nit easy but it's gotten a little bit easier because it's the right thing to do for me and also I'm so glad to be out of the excruciatingly painful guilt!! No H doesn't pick up on anything, I lost a parent recently so even if he senses some sadness, he prolly thinks it's because of the death which may be true . It might have magnified my sense of loss. I just wanna make one thing clear tho . I do feel that my happiness ultimately depends on my attitude and I do feel better when in busy doing productive things . Just I'm human and do get triggered horribly periodically .. Like for the past two days .. Ah well, is spring here already?
RickFox Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I will admit, I find this view refreshing but at the same time it has the potential to cause wounds to open as more and more questions can be asked and of course, nobody thinks alike so answers may just be generalizations. One thing that bother(s)(ed) me is for the short time xmw and I spoke recently, she revealed that she was basically stalking my facebook page... what I don't understand is, why? Why do women do this when it's "over", granted I understand the Affair dynamic is different but I notice women do this regardless and yes men do it too.... even in the beginning she blocked me then unblocked me, then I blocked her and she retaliated by doing the same.... all of this can just be mindboggling ... "Just because I don't show it on the outside, doesn't mean that's what's going on on the inside" The one thing that ever gave me comfort , that quote by xmw, and it holds true for guys too.... For XenoMouse, you have to remember when you ask these questions, if you dig deep, you know the answers but the bottom line is, when asking why she went back to something unhappy.... Fear of the unknown, known safety and security, and because in the end, you simply were not worth the risk..... a woman, especially with children, will do what she feels is best for them before she chooses for herself...sometimes not realizing it may even be hurting the children to stay in this type of relationship but for them, they will sacrifice their happiness and for those without children, you cannot replace the history they share with their spouse. My W screamed at xmw, "I have 17 years with him, 17 years of my life with him, what do you have......" and while I expected her to walk out on me, she didn't.....history is huge in a relationship, among other factors.... Many search for answers here, and I think those who said you have to find your own closure, yep, they are definitely onto something.
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 I read posts here before I posted here . Ure right, it's my own journey, own reasons, own closure . But it did give me support , still does, reading some stuff here + some things become a little bit clearer . That's why I said 'maybe' some answers . .. The disclaimer is always there, I'm no expert , I've just already had experienced a horribly painful experience . Take what u need from my experience to help yourself.my answers are just that MINE my humble or notsohumble opinions ... What is so surprising abt checking out OM fb? People reveal so much of themselves in the kind of things they post on their fb, even it's not personal stuff . U find out about their likes and dislikes. I admitted to OM many times when I went on his fb . I think he checked out mine too . I'm sure ppl do their 'breadcrumbing ' thru fb . I've stopped since my NC but I think it's something to let you know they're still ' there' kinda thing . That's how it made me feel . Yep , those were my reasons to stay , our child, our history, the stability and the extreme hurt I was causing my H . For me, it wasn't the fear of the unknown, it was knowing that since we literally live the continent apart , there will be so many logistic issues esp with my child . Yes, in the end , he wasn't worth the pain . Just like he couldn't leave a well paying job and living close to his child , for me . I just wasn't worth the hassle and I can understand that . And yes, what I do thru inwardly, hopefully nothing shows in the outside . It's my mess, I'm going to deal with it , my children, H or the household need not suffer because I made some wrong decisions . After all this rant, I still miss him .. lol
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Oh one more thing , I'm glad I didn't leave my M and put myself, OM and my kids in blended family situation . Given the distance bw him and where my H would've been , the two extremely diff households that his child and my kids come from, it would've been a pretty difficult situation . OM and I would've been too busy dealing with all that to spend the kind of time together that u envision when Ure divorcing to be with soneone else .
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Before someone calls me out on this , I had one child at the time I initiated divorce, now we have more .so sometimes I say child , sometimes kids .
dichotomy Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Also, my H's faults were magnified in my eyes because inwardly I was always comparing him to OM, consciously it subconsciously . Asking honestly- do you think this statement above will change in the future? What I read is you staying out of guilt of hurting husband, and also for the kids. No judgements if this is the case - I am just thinking it will be difficult for the marriage if you always consider your husband second best, or worse. Not fair to either of you I suspect.
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Guilt and kids are part of it . I stay because if the OM weren't in the picture and If I had given husband credit where it was due, I'd be quite content with H and my M. I don't know if / when the comparison will cease but I can tell u , now many times I've just flipped it . I've compared OM to H ! 1
RickFox Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 Xmw revealed I was the constant reminder of how boring her H was. Even two years later. Could she have been blowing smoke up my butt, oh yeah, was she? Who knows
Author txgrl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Yes pal, I think she was. Hell , I blew that smoke so many times , I started to believe it myself .
Wambo Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 txgrl thank you for your time and dedication. It's not everyday someone from the otherside of the equation, comes forward and try to put our pain at rest. Many of us view these boards, seeking answers to our experiences and you done the right thing by coming here and allowing us to move on easier. Sadly I have to return the favour and no doubt what I'm going to say will cause you some pain. The chances of the OM wanting to get back with you is going to grow slimer by the month. The OM will see your actions as an ultimate bestrayal by leaving him in this emotional agony and knowing full well you ran back to your husband. In his view he will think you just used him and simply didn't care for his wellbeing. He may have strong feelings for you but in his mind it's just an addiction and want to hate you for the pain you caused him. The best thing to do is leave him alone and never contact him again. Once again thank you for giving us a greater insight in a MW mind. 3
Author txgrl Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I'm not hoping or wishing to get back together with OM . I just answered a question based on what I know and feel NOW . I'll prolly learn many more lessons along the way and might have a completely diff perspective on many things a couple of year/ months/ weeks/ days ? later . I'm totally NC with OM and will not contact/ respond in any way . I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me some day .
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Dear TXGRL: I really appreciate you taking the time to come to this forum and express your views. It is really helpful for me as a BH to understand my WW a little more. I was hoping you could answer a few more questions for me: 1) How long after the A ended did it take for you to start warming up to your H again? 2) How long after the A ended did you start to feel remorse and guilt for your actions? 3) Were your first instincts to blame your poor marriage for pushing you into the A ? 4) During the time of the A, what were your plans to introduce your kids to OM? Thanks again for your perspective. 1
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Xmw revealed I was the constant reminder of how boring her H was. Even two years later. Could she have been blowing smoke up my butt, oh yeah, was she? Who knows I think it can be true. Not every husband and every marriage is created equal.
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