Maybe some answers from a MW for single OM

[txgrl]

Posting here for the first time. Read some of the posts here.This forum has given me support . I'm going through my own painful process of NC, withdrawl, doing the right thing etc.

 

Plz note I'm only writing from the perspective of a MW with kids and the AP is/was a single divorced dad. I just want to share some of the observation and lessons I've learned through my 4 year long A. Maybe it'll help some and bring one step closer to closure.

 

-A suck! The only sure way to end them is not ever start 'em.

-Unless you are a serial cheater, I can't imagine an A without emotion. There is very strong emotion.

- I miss him terribly, horribly, awfully although I broke it off. I did go back breadcrumbing trying to lure him back in once or twice but really, the process of finally accepting that its ended had started.

-It might have gone on longer but the moment he told me he found someone, I started to pull away. He offered to keep me as OW ( i find that so funny somehow) but I didn't want to mess up his marriage... any marriage.. in any way.

-Marriage is sacred, try and save it . If it's not salvagable, get out but don't sit on the fence.

-Don't become the AP. Just don't. not worth it.

-If he got in touch with me, I will probably not cave.

- I admit I was being selfish by having the A, but I do have a lot of genuine affection and respect for OM. I wasn't plotting and scheming to abuse and use OM, things didn't work out.

- Husbands can't compete with OM, Life with H is reality, with OM fantasy.

Rewriting marriage history was unconscious for me but yeah, I did do it to justify my decisions and actions.

-it's not easy for MW to end the A or the NC. I know some wonder how we're doing, it's pretty bad and we can't even share it with anyone.

- The guilt never NEVER goes away. Thats what made me say or do some things that the OM might interpret differently.

-My marriage will work if I invest in it, focus on issues and not the OM.

-Humor helps:D no matter how crappy I might feel inwardly.

 

Even if this helps one person on this forum, I'll feel proud and noble:D

[RickFox]

While I wasn't a single OM, she and I were both M, your words bring come comfort but naturally would beg more questions.

 

I can look at things logically and understand why things happened the way they did, but at the same time from the emotional aspect, I have questions... Some of the things you said seem to ring true, kinda scared me to see you put txgirl as your name as that's where me and xmw are, but you said single AP, so at least I know your not her.

 

In any case, thanks for sharing.... the last I spoke with xmw she told me that for two years she has been trying to fix her marriage and it hasn't worked but I wonder if that's the truth and she said I reminded her how boring her H was.... but in the end, I stopped communicating rather than being the one to inititiate alll the time....it brings little comfort knowing she might be sad on the inside, I prefer to think she doesn't care, never did, and is a player...it allows me to move on that much better.

[txgrl]

That cracked me up. No, I don't think u're him..lol

 

i'm trying to think, if my OM was right now thinking that I was a player and basically used him, if this thought helps him with closure and moving on, I'm ok with it. Its absolutely not true, I never even looked at another man before, during or after A. But if thats what he wants to believe and makes him feel better, hey whatever floats his boat... He's a nice guy, this is his second marriage, I want him to be successful and happy.

 

If I had to give a very honest answer, yes OM is wayyyy more interesting than H, with many different interests and hobbies , most people will think OM is betterlooking than H, but is that a good reason to divorce? Suddenly forget all his good qualities and only focus on what he doesn't have. When did I become zero defect?

 

If I can answer any qs, I'll be happy too. Part of the catharsis for me too. Thanks.

[zevahc]

Txgirl...I am a single OM. Divorced with kid.

 

Thank you for sharing. It does help. I don't think I'll ever find someone like MW. We shared something special, and in all reality ended on as high a note we could have...while my heart remains broken and I think about her still 24/7, I'm glad she's decided to run the course of her life and figure out what she needs. Maybe she makes her M work..maybe she doesn't...in the meantime I move on trying to pick myself up and see what my future holds.

 

None of it is easy. I don't see her pain..and she doesn't see mine...but it's there...every second of every day.

[zevahc]

That cracked me up. No, I don't think u're him..lol

 

i'm trying to think, if my OM was right now thinking that I was a player and basically used him, if this thought helps him with closure and moving on, I'm ok with it. Its absolutely not true, I never even looked at another man before, during or after A. But if thats what he wants to believe and makes him feel better, hey whatever floats his boat... He's a nice guy, this is his second marriage, I want him to be successful and happy.

 

If I had to give a very honest answer, yes OM is wayyyy more interesting than H, with many different interests and hobbies , most people will think OM is betterlooking than H, but is that a good reason to divorce? Suddenly forget all his good qualities and only focus on what he doesn't have. When did I become zero defect?

 

If I can answer any qs, I'll be happy too. Part of the catharsis for me too. Thanks.

 

I don't think you can answer any questions that I haven't read on here at some point. I think in my case MW stayed or stays for now because of stability and history. Plus, she doesn't want to have any regrets. She really hasn't tried in her M in a long time...and needs to do that before she can walk away if she so chooses. Her and her H haven't tried apparently..and they need to... I respect that. If I can answer any questions for you...please don't hesitate to PM also...or if you can't PM. I may answer them publicly on here...depending on what they are..

[RickFox]

I think if you take the time to read some of the back stories you can see where some of the frustration lies. Not just my story but some of the other males as well. I think the worst fir me was how easily she turned her back after dday, my dday, ....that will always be the one thing that truly bothers me.... but also fuels me

[Popsicle]

By witnessing these single OM pining over MW, I'm seeing how ridiculous I looked to single OM when I was involved with a MM, when there were so many other single men I could go for.

[txgrl]

after what rick said, i had o check if u're him..lol ...i read some of yr posts to check..nope, ure not him:D

 

Z, what i wrote earlier are the lessons, what logic says, whats the right thing to do, what I should be doing and thinking ethically..

 

Do you know what my heart says? My god, I love OM, with every cell in my body. I miss him, it hurts... What I had with him was so so special,he waited 4 years for me but like you, he wanted me to make my own decisions . I agree, history,stability,kids r huge factors... Also, how does one make sane decisions when OM is still in the picture.

 

Do you have someone else in your life? He's found someone and is hoping to get married this year. I wish him the best but do u think he misses me ? We broke up pretty amicably and wile the emotion was still quite strong, atleast for me.

I do wonder now that he's found someone to get married to, does that mean he's over me?

Either way, I hope he's not hurting like me and you. I wish happiness for everyone here.

p.s: no i cant pm

[zevahc]

after what rick said, i had o check if u're him..lol ...i read some of yr posts to check..nope, ure not him:D

 

Z, what i wrote earlier are the lessons, what logic says, whats the right thing to do, what I should be doing and thinking ethically..

 

Do you know what my heart says? My god, I love OM, with every cell in my body. I miss him, it hurts... What I had with him was so so special,he waited 4 years for me but like you, he wanted me to make my own decisions . I agree, history,stability,kids r huge factors... Also, how does one make sane decisions when OM is still in the picture.

 

Do you have someone else in your life? He's found someone and is hoping to get married this year. I wish him the best but do u think he misses me ? We broke up pretty amicably and wile the emotion was still quite strong, atleast for me.

I do wonder now that he's found someone to get married to, does that mean he's over me?

Either way, I hope he's not hurting like me and you. I wish happiness for everyone here.

p.s: no i cant pm

 

If your connection is as you say...similar to mine with MW. Then yes..without a doubt I think he misses you. MW and I ended amicably also...still work together. But we had no knock-down drag out or anything. It was just time to end the cycle...so she could figure out what she needed to do with her life...and me in mine. I couldn't sit back and be the OM anymore..she felt she was holding me back from finding someone and living life...and she couldn't sort hers out with me in the picture...you're right about that for sure.

 

I have been dating over the past 6 months. I've just recently started going out with someone that I'm enjoying some time with...but I'll say I don't think is a permanent situation. I'm incredibly picky, and I see some red flags. At the same time, I'm trying to work on that and be open and give things their time..and chance. Nobody is perfect. I'm not healed either..so I don't want in too deep into something I can't put my whole heart into...it's not fair to any woman..or myself. To be honest with you..i'm not sure I'll ever get over her completely. I think even if I M...I'll have a place in my heart for her. I hope it's a healthy place, otherwise I can't imagine getting married. It needs to be something that perspective allows me to tuck away on a shelf that can cause no harm. Only time will tell....i'm not there yet.

[txgrl]

rick, I see...

 

I can only answer for myself and because dday didnt happen for me, I can only guess. If it had happened, even if it happens now, I'm ending this marriage as kindly as I can but I'm going to end it. Ive thought about it many times. OM is getting married , obviously I cant get together with him now either but I just couldn't live with the aftermath knowing there's already this hole in my heart because of OM . The marriage would be too broken then , at least for me to try and repair it..

[txgrl]

U mean these OM seem ridiculous to u pining over their MW? Forgive me if I misunderstood what u said

[zevahc]

Many of us in this thread are grieving. It's not the same thing as pining. If we really loved these MW then we are entitled to feeling what we feel. Whether appropriate or not you can't dismiss the feelings.

 

I know my life is forever changed. I can't forget my experience, my actions or the person who came into my life. What I can do is learn from this experience. Maybe help others prevent or minimize heartbreak. And I can work on me for whatever future relationship I may have.

[txgrl]

Again , I can only guess but maybe she wanted to avoid the drama, ull agree we go thru enuff drama in an A anyways . Maybe she wanted to not confuse you by staying in the picture , maybe she was rally selfish an cowardly as all people in an A can be .. Don't know .... Everyone's diff an have their own reasons .

 

My OM distanced himself from me when I started my divorce, while I thought he would stand by ne every step if the way . Turns out, he wanted me to make my own decision so that I wouldn't have regrets . In retrospect , I think he did the right thing . I would never want to be part of someone's divorce or breakup.

[txgrl]

None of us would be here if we weren't heartbroken in some way .

Jeez, I lost my father 2 months ago and I'm having a harder time dealing with the loss of OM and what we had together , than the loss of my father.

[Popsicle]

U mean these OM seem ridiculous to u pining over their MW? Forgive me if I misunderstood what u said

 

Definitely.

 

I was a single OW and I must have looked the same way to single men.

[RickFox]

Again , I can only guess but maybe she wanted to avoid the drama, ull agree we go thru enuff drama in an A anyways . Maybe she wanted to not confuse you by staying in the picture , maybe she was rally selfish an cowardly as all people in an A can be .. Don't know .... Everyone's diff an have their own reasons .

 

My OM distanced himself from me when I started my divorce, while I thought he would stand by ne every step if the way . Turns out, he wanted me to make my own decision so that I wouldn't have regrets . In retrospect , I think he did the right thing . I would never want to be part of someone's divorce or breakup.

 

Bottom line for me, none of it matters anymore, we've passed over that bridge and I.am moving forward, pushing on every day. I don't need her conflicting me nor do I.want to further conflict her. If I could only get my wife to stop thinking xmw will return, then things will be better, but she's hell bent saying xmw will come back yet again. Onward and upward

[txgrl]

U said her turning her back on dday fuels you and then u said it doesn't matter anymore? Not trying to b annoying just trying to understand .

 

I hope for your peace and marriage that she doesn't come back .

[RickFox]

Forgive me, at the time it puzzled me, hurt me, and now if I ever relapse even for an instant, I remind myself of how everything turns out and it fuels me to move forward and not worry about the whys and hows.

 

If I sit down and think about it all of course I.can make it matter, but I try to not dwell like I.used to so essentially, what once was no longer matters. For me, I spent far too long looking for answers I was never going to get.....and I screwed up by reaching out over the summer.... but I learned quick. She is no longer my focus, she can't be

[A.Moscote]

...If I had to give a very honest answer, yes OM is wayyyy more interesting than H, with many different interests and hobbies , most people will think OM is betterlooking than H, but is that a good reason to divorce? Suddenly forget all his good qualities and only focus on what he doesn't have. When did I become zero defect?...

Nice clarity of thinking there txgrl. There are seven billion people in this world, undoubtedly we'll always meet someone with better qualities than our partner but that doesn't mean we can't be happy with what we have.

 

Anyway it's helpful and nice to read the discussion between all three of you.

[txgrl]

Thanks AM. I say that because I think I d started to feel that I deserved better than H because I was better than him . I think it was partly arrogance and partly because the connection ( right or wrong) with OM made me so special.

 

Rick, stay strong my friend , stay strong . I try and focus on my M and doing productive, healthy , fun things with kids and H although sometimes it feels like OM is always right there , next to me!!

[RickFox]

Thanks AM. I say that because I think I d started to feel that I deserved better than H because I was better than him . I think it was partly arrogance and partly because the connection ( right or wrong) with OM made me so special.

 

Rick, stay strong my friend , stay strong . I try and focus on my M and doing productive, healthy , fun things with kids and H although sometimes it feels like OM is always right there , next to me!!

 

I'm doing the same thing, focusing on my M and my daughter. One more year of our kids going to the same school and I will more than likely never lay eyes on her again

[Got it]

As a former MW I couldn't understand this paradox. For me to cheat meant my marriage was over. Actually to consider cheating meant it was over. I agree that the feelings are real and I was completely invested in my MM. So we both divorced. I didn't think my ex husband wasn't a good guy with any great qualities but ones that didn't mesh well with me. I also recognized that he deserved to find someone to love him the way he deserved to be loved. And I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

[txgrl]

Our marriage was not over when the A started . We did have some issues, like all marriages and instead of addressing those issues, I made the poor decision of participating in an A to run away from it all .

 

I did start divorce and it was totally confusing and devastating to h, I could see him wilting like a flower ( can u say that about a man?) and our kid started to look depressed because he caught on the unhappiness in the household .

I was trying to get divorced ONLY for OM . That is a bad bad reason for divorce . Also, my H's faults were magnified in my eyes because inwardly I was always comparing him to OM, consciously it subconsciously .

 

I'm just curious, if Ure happily together with AP, what makes you come on this forum?

[XenoMouse]

txgirl thank you so much for your posts, they did help a lot. Im a single OM so i don't have a M to go back and try and fix or anything. It feels like i have just been left in no mans land and though i try to bring myself out of thinking and wishing for her i can't seem to do it.

 

Some questions. In your A did you have many instances of break ups and make ups? Our affair was very intense and despite ddays and whatnot my MW continuously broke up and made up with me and now after a make up of only texting she says that shes sorry but out of respect to her H she most likely will never talk to me again and she was no longer going to respond to my texts. We havent seen each other in months and months but these feelings still have not faded. When you or MWs "turn their back" and go back into their marriages do the feelings stay as strong? Do you genuinely get relief from these feelings for your AP because you have your H or spouse with you everyday or does it not matter?

 

For whatever reason i was not ready for the rollercoaster to end at least i did not want to lose someone so special out of my life for good. Though i try to take baby steps in a positive direction, i always feel so abandoned and distraught. Is it just as hard for MWs to go NC and leave their APs behind?

[XenoMouse]

Forgive me if youve already answered some of the questions ive asked. It just feels that since she initiated NC and has chosen to go away so definitively (one of her last messages were "NOTHING you can say will EVER change my mind") that she has just easily slipped back into her M where she wants to be and is happy while i sit here and pick up the broken pieces. Every second i feel the empty feeling of her absence and her ghost clings to me no matter what i do or where i go.

 

Right before she went NC she said she would because just talking to me was causing cracks in her wall...does this mean she still has a lot of feelings for me so she has to push me away?

 

lol..not having a good morning.