anne1707 Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 I completely agree. Ugh. You can say that again! This from someone who does not know whether "their man" is married or not and is too scared to ask Link to post Share on other sites
liloldlady Posted February 1, 2014 Share Posted February 1, 2014 too scared to ask Neither of the men I love are married, per our discussions. Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 Neither of the men I love are married, per our discussions. Oh, for Pete's sake. You have posted that words are cheap. You wouldn't be searching for evidence of acdivorce if you weren't suspicious there wasn't one. Successfully navigating relationships requires emotional intelligence. When you have evidence contradicting discussion and supposition, one of them is wrong. No amount of flowery self-talk will change the facts to be what you desire them to be. Fact according to you: the man you ard willing to marry hasn't chosen to see you in almost two years. No matter how busy we are we make arrangements to see our loved ones. Whether ir not he's not gotten a divorce - he's just not that into you. Aged "rock stsr dude" is a flake. Flakes are entertaining, but only from a distance. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
herself Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 This is my thought behind his. They have been together a long time I know he will never leave nor do I want him to leave and be with me. That's not my angle behind this. Maybe it's cowardly and selfish I agree that much is true. She will never divorce him maybe she will give him an ultimatum and he will cut ties with me which will make it easier because I'm not strong enough to do it on my own. We have talked about walking away from each other but he always goes back on his word and I allow that to happen. I want to walk away but he makes it so difficult because he knows how much I love him and he plays on that. It would be easier if he would let me go. I have been around this man everyday for the past 9 years, talk to him daily. It will be a very difficult process to under go. Although he has been married this entire time it hasn't felt like it until its time for him to go home at night. I never planned on this to last as long as it did or get this deep but it has. I say all of that to say that I've been wanting to get out of this situation for years but haven't quite managed it yet. So yes I'm cowardly and all that good **** but I'm desperate and this plan seems like a good idea for me right now although the plan about giving the leader to the pastor sounds great as well. She asked for my number once before maybe I'll just give it to her and the fact that he knows I'm communicating with her that will make him nervous. I have thought about dating but didn't wanna play with anyone's emotions but I can always try the honest approach and see how that turns out If you go the route of exposing the A by a letter to the minister you need 2 letters, one of your own and one to present to the wife. Try and make sure there is proof like photo or email or anything that will not allow him to deny it. But honey, you were SO young when he started with you. Yes yiu can still own that its wrong, but HE is still manipulating. It does seem like you will need counseling to help you and you will be able to find support here. You really CAN do this. My A partner was a best friend for 13 years and we ended it and it is terribly hard but even after just barely a month of no contact I am starting to see progress. It will hurt alot ar first but I can see you REALLY want out. Stick with your plan and let the healing and your FREE life begin. Behind you 100% and no judgement here. Your seeing the light and thats awesome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 If you are too weak to walk away from your affair, the right thing to do is to destroy a marriage. I mean, the BS has the right to know! This is about honour, duty, and defense of sacred vows. Well, it wasn't for the first 8 years, but by God that is what it is right now! You go girl! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
krazikat Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 I was saying to make dday happen because he wont leave me alone and wont stop trying to get me to continue this A. I figured that maybe she would force his hand to leave me alone for good. I'm not trying to hurt her but I don't have the strength to walk away and he makes it extremely difficult. Maybe I'll just bluff to expose him and that would be enough to get him gone. I'm desperate here and I really want out. This is very hard for me I would like to just get on with my life but my strength is not where it needs to be. I have not.read all of the responses yet so apologies if I am repeating another poster...but as hard as walking away may be, you have got to love yourself more than him. I also believe you should tell his wife so she can know the truth about the man she married. Yes, it will hurt her, but ask any BS here and majority will say that yes, they would want to know regardless of the hurt. I am speaking as a BS, and I would want to know. Just be sure to provide proof, as these mm are masters of gaslighting. And take care of yourself. You can find the strength to move on, just prepare yourself. His wife knowing is not a guarantee that he won't try to contact you. And if she kicks him out he may try to come running to you claiming he chose you. You need to block him, and if he finds a way thru, just do not engage. If he shows up at your house, do not answer the door. Make or clear you are done. It has to be a clean cut. Don't focus on his pain or crocodile tears, because he could try anything to manipulate you into contact...LOVE YOURSELF MORE AND DO NOT ENGAGE IN ANY WAY. YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. You really do deserve more than a cheating man. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 2, 2014 Share Posted February 2, 2014 If you are too weak to walk away from your affair, the right thing to do is to destroy a marriage. I mean, the BS has the right to know! This is about honour, duty, and defense of sacred vows. Well, it wasn't for the first 8 years, but by God that is what it is right now! You go girl! Yeah don't tell. Just walk away yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whatatangledweb Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 No offense but why is it the wife's responsibility to end your affair? You didn't need her help or input when it started nor while you were enjoying it. If he were single you would need to end it on your own. If you want to ask the pastor for advice or help that is fine. I would never have wanted the OW to tell me. That would have been a slap in my face and I would not have handled it nicely. If I had found out an by a call or letter from someone who would not get a name, I would find out the name of the OW sooner or later. I personally would never want to know if the only way was for the OW to tell me. I am telling you these things to show what may happen if you try some of those things. They can backfire. You may think she may thank you or be nice about it but I have read on many forums like this, and it can go many ways. Some nice and some very badly on both sides. If you want out then end the affair just like a regular relationship. Block him . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PreciousOne Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 No offense but why is it the wife's responsibility to end your affair? You didn't need her help or input when it started nor while you were enjoying it. If he were single you would need to end it on your own. If you want to ask the pastor for advice or help that is fine. I would never have wanted the OW to tell me. That would have been a slap in my face and I would not have handled it nicely. If I had found out an by a call or letter from someone who would not get a name, I would find out the name of the OW sooner or later. I personally would never want to know if the only way was for the OW to tell me. I am telling you these things to show what may happen if you try some of those things. They can backfire. You may think she may thank you or be nice about it but I have read on many forums like this, and it can go many ways. Some nice and some very badly on both sides. If you want out then end the affair just like a regular relationship. Block him . Once again same advice. If it was that simple to just walk away I wouldn't be here to begin with I wouldn't be with him. I never said that it was her responsibility to end the affair I just wanted her to frce his hand because he won't let me go. This man approached me when I was 16 he 49 or 50 he saw an opportunity as did I and he went with it at the time of us meeting. I didn't expect to let things get this far who would at that age. I'm sitting here saying I don't want to be in this situation but admitting that I'm not strong enough mentally to walk away and all I know is that I want out. I know it seems simple as walking out but it's to me the equivalent of some one telling a heroin addict who is sitting in a room full of heroin to "just walk away" this situation needs a plan and an execution. Do I just take your advice and just walk away leave her out of it all of which I've been trying to do for years but hasn't been successful at all or do I do what it takes to get out of this affair. I know she is hurting her husband is cheating on her with me I don't feel good about that at all I'm not a heartless person I have feelings as well. He is significantly older and much more experienced with life he should be as tired as I am of living a double life this **** is ridiculous. I appreciate this advice I truly do but that isn't helping. I can't afford counseling, I just cant right now. Im not even sure of what I want to say I'm not wanting to run from this I want to face this and get this **** over with because I'm tired of this dark cloud looming over my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PreciousOne Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 If you are too weak to walk away from your affair, the right thing to do is to destroy a marriage. I mean, the BS has the right to know! This is about honour, duty, and defense of sacred vows. Well, it wasn't for the first 8 years, but by God that is what it is right now! You go girl! Never did I once say that I wanted to ruin this marriage. Yea I'm not innocent in any of this but he was the one who approached me when I was only 16 and saw that I had no one there for me and used it to his advantage. All that bull**** about the honor duty vows miss me with that because I never intended for this to happen. Yea I know she hurts from this situation but that doesn't mean I don't hurt from this as well. I want more from a man than just being second. I really wish you would have just kept your damn comment to yourself because that **** doesn't help my situation. Regardless of why I want out I want out and have wanted out for YEARS but he comes with bs that he knows gets to me. I have never been ths serious with anyone but excuse me for having a hard f ucking time getting over someone who, as unfortunate as it is, I love. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 I keep hearing about D-day and it got me to thinking... What if I could somehow create dday myself for him by anonymously contacting her and letting her know about the A. Maybe she will do some digging and find out about us, confront him and make him choose. (I know he will choose her) Huh? Why not just break up with him instead of trying to let him reject you in a round-about way? Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 Threaten him with a restraining order. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PreciousOne Posted February 3, 2014 Author Share Posted February 3, 2014 Huh? Why not just break up with him instead of trying to let him reject you in a round-about way? Because I've been breaking up with him for years. He knows I love him and uses that to his advantage. If he is feeling like he doesn't want to deal with me anymore then I can move on and not have to worry about him weaseling his way back into my life Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 3, 2014 Share Posted February 3, 2014 PreciousOne, I'm not going to bore you with the gory details of my life, but I want you to know that at age 25, give or take, you must take responsibility for the direction of your life. If the feelings you have for this man are so compelling then you must acknowledge that, yet move forward with a plan to extricate yourself from him. You are right, you need a plan. Start by accepting your feelings towards him. Follow with a discipline that permits you to distance yourself from him, in mind, body, spirit and electronically. You'll want to remain in contact, but relationships exist because of contact. Maintaining ni contact, in any fashion, will eventually starve out the relationship. It just will. You may feel far worse before you feel better, so know that going in. Know what you're going to do to distract your feelings and thoughts. Be busy, be very, very busy. Google how to end a toxic relationship, and implement anything, and everything, that works for you Wishing you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Never did I once say that I wanted to ruin this marriage. You want to tell the BS that you have been canoodling with her husband for almost a decade. I guess in your world you see that as saving their marriage? I really wish you would have just kept your damn comment to yourself because that **** doesn't help my situation. Ironically, I bet that is exactly what the BS would tell you... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 Because I've been breaking up with him for years. He knows I love him and uses that to his advantage. If he is feeling like he doesn't want to deal with me anymore then I can move on and not have to worry about him weaseling his way back into my life Yes he knows you love him and that's exactly why he is able to push your buttons and get what he wants from you ever single time. He knows selfishly how to manipulate you and get you to cave. He doesn't care about your well being or what's best for you - He calls the shots! When he wants his ego fed, when he misses you on his terms and time frame, he'll reach out and know that you'll open the door with open arms. As soon as you get strong enough to slam the door in his face, make it absolutely impossible for him to contact you, only then will you be in control of your life. But, you must want this. Really want your A with him over. Until you decide that 100%, this is how it's going to go. Even if you tell his wife, there's still no guarantee he won't contact you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Speakingofwhich Posted February 4, 2014 Share Posted February 4, 2014 PreciousOne, from what you've written I believe it's possible that you are going to need help from some authority figure such as a pastor to get rid of this guy. You really need support. Link to post Share on other sites
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