did your ws think you no longer found them attractive?????

January 31, 2014

did your ws think you no longer found them attractive????? I really believe my husband was going through a midlife crisis,no excuse to cheat believe me I wanted to castrate him,and beat the crap out of her,but shes an old lady,i was taught to respect my elders.

but we have lost a lot financially all kinds of stuff going on,and I think hubby saw it all spiriling out of control.

anyways on our second mc session,i said I had 2 opportunities to cheat,and she asked me why I didn't,of course I became all self righteous,and said I have morals,self respect,respect for my family,which is all true,but it wasn't until the session after that one,that I felt I had to be honest with myself,and with my hubby,its because im to picky,to vain as he says,i wouldn't act on anything just because someone was available,i would have to be attracted to them,and this is where my hubby said he really felt hurt for several years,because he felt I wasn't attracted to him,that I found him disgusting,in a way he was right I didn't find him attractive anymore,he gained a lot of weight,going bald,i take care of myself,exercise,eat right,always dressed good.

I really didn't realize that i was this vain,i also didn't realize men hurt when they feel they aren't attractive to their wives,i always thought all they cared about is being macho,boy did I have a lot to learn,they are human,with feelings like woman,and emotional beings,he said he jumped at someone who threw herself at him,she found him perfect,and handsome,but he wasn't ever attracted to her at all,she just worshipped the ground he walked on,something I had to learn to do,well not worship the ground he walks on,but I have to give him ,credit for all he does for us,hes a very hardworker,and been a good husband(except for the affair)but over 20 years together,and weve always loved each other,so i have been working on myself,as he is working on himself,im not vain in a bitchy way,im very approachable,my 2 passions in life are rescuing animals,and helping homeless people,i feel like saving the world,one pet,and homeless person at a time.

I feel like our old marriage died,and this a new beginning everyday gets better,as far as the ow,i hate her for all emails,and threatening my kids,and it makes me sad that i have hate in my heart,cause im not a hateful person,but i do have to find it in my heart,to forgive her,not for her,but for myself,iam a Christian who has gone through hell my whole life,i believe in God,but im not a religious person,my religion is kindness.

and if your wondering i see my husband through different eyes,hes the kindest,handsome man ever,he would do anything for me,and likewise,we make it a point to say we love each other when we fight,never going to bed angry,oh and hes also excersing with me(i was worried about his health)so it makes me happy he is

thank you for reading ramblings of bs,whos finding happiness through all this

Thread: My H was just another man who let her down

I really believe my husband was going through a midlife crisis,no excuse to cheat believe me I wanted to castrate him,and beat the crap out of her,but shes an old lady,i was taught to rescpect my elders. but we have lost a lot financially all kinds of stuff going on,and I think hubby saw it all spiriling out of control. anyways on our second mc session,i said I had 2 opportunities to cheat,and she asked me why I didn't,of course I became all self righteous,and said I have morals,self respect,respect for my family,which is all true,but it wasn't until the session after that one,that I felt I had to be honest with myself,and with my hubby,its because im to picky,to vain as he says,i wouldn't act on anything just because someone was available,i would have to be attracted to them,and this is where my hubby said he really felt hurt for several years,

because he felt I wasn't attracted to him,that I found him disgusting,in a way he was right I didn't find him attractive anymore,he gained a lot of weight,going bald,i take care of myself,exercise,eat right,always dressed good,i really didn't realize that iwas this vain,i also didn't realize men hurt when they feel they aren't attractive to their wives,i always thought all they cared about is being macho,boy did I have a lot to learn,they are human,with feelings like woman,and emotional beings,he said he jumped at someone who threw herself at him,she found him perfect,and handsome,but he wasn't ever attracted to her at all,she just worshiped the ground he walked on,something I had to learn to do,well not worship the ground he walks on,but I have to give him ,credit for all he does for us,hes a very hardworker,and been a good husband(except for the affair)but over 20 years together,and weve always loved each other,so i have been working on myself,as he is working on himself,

im not vain in a bitchy way,im very approachable,my 2 passions in life are rescuing animals,and helping homeless people,i feel like saving the world,one pet,and homeless person at a time. i feel like our old marriage died,and this a new beginning everyday gets better,as far as the ow,i hate her for all emails,and threatening my kids,and it makes me sad that i have hate in my heart,cause im not a hateful person,but i do have to find it in my heart,to forgive her,not for her,but for myself,iam a Christian who has gone through hell my whole life,i believe in God,but im not a religious person,my religion is kindness. and if your wondering i see my husband through different eyes,hes the kindest,handsome man ever,he would do anything for me,and likewise,we make it a point to say we love each other when we fight,never going to bed angry,oh and hes also excersing with me(i was worried about his health)so it makes me happy he is 

thank you for reading ramblings of bs,whos finding happiness through all this

Edited February 1, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
im an idiot dont know how to post

January 31, 2014

omg im so sorry i don't know what happened,it even showed up on someone elses thread,ugh i hate computers im so sorry

February 1, 2014

I don't know what happened either to your post, but I get the gist of it and yes, my husband said he felt I didn't want him anymore. I was so sick and had so much going on in my life, it wasn't true at all, but he felt that way. I couldn't function...I had severe brain fog for more than six months, my dad was in a bad car accident, my aunt (who lives with my parents) had a heart attack, my mom's health was bad and then my dad was in another accident and I was completely suffering from a bad thyroid and hormones being off and changing my diet and ..ugh..I was a mess. I was so mad at him for acting like I should have dropped everything to pay attention to him considering all I was going through.

I tried to pay attention but his father figure had died a few months before all this started and I had helped to take care of him without so much as a thank you from my husband...who didn't go to see the poor man hardly at all. Instead myhusband was starting this affair and sank into a deep depression and pushed me away .He started picking fights and telling me all I did wrong, I guess to make himself feel better about what he was doing? I don't know...

But yes, I believe he had a huge mid life crisis. THe woman/thing was a past girlfriend who had treated him horrible and I think he wanted to prove to her she'd made a mistake. All he will say to me is he doesn't know why he did it or what he was thinking. Her daughter paid all this attention to him and so did she and I think his ego was boosted. His grandfather left him money and he started paying this families bills and buying gifts. He felt like he was being a big man, a rescuer.

Makes me sick to even think about it...like he didn't need him here at home. I used to wake up at night, gasping, and they diagnosed me with sleep apnea. It's better now, after losing 50 pounds, but at the time it was terrifying and I'd wake up and call for him and he wasn't there.....he was with her, but I thought he was working late. I stll have trouble trusting he'll be there for me. If I have any issues now I don't call for him, or callhim at work, even though he tells me to. I'm still hesitant and untrusting.

But things are getting better. We are spending more time together and telling each other we love each other more and holding each other more...there is a lot of good stuff happening and I'm happy for that. I only wish this pain wasn't what led to that.

February 1, 2014

I just wanted to add that I also have had to recognize that men's egos need to be stroked a bit..I don't mean that in a bad way. They need to be romanced too. They need to be told they are handsome, and sexy and a great provider and our man, even when they don't always deserve it. I don't mean if a man is abusive or flaunts an affair .. don't get me wrong. I mean, sometimes even when a man is a jerk, how his wife treats him, with respect for example, can change him and wake him up to how much he means to her and how she really does love him and care for him.

I've been watching stuff by Jimmy and Karen Evans at www.marriagetoday.org. They are also on youtube and the videos (small clips) on how men and women like to be treated has been so informative for me. ALso, a book by Dr. Kevin Leman..How to Have a new Husband by Friday. Great stuff. Opened my eyes a lot. I don't know if it would have helped before because of the crisis my husband was in, but I wish I had read those books before all of this happened.

February 1, 2014

I don't know what happened either to your post, but I get the gist of it and yes, my husband said he felt I didn't want him anymore. I was so sick and had so much going on in my life, it wasn't true at all, but he felt that way. I couldn't function...I had severe brain fog for more than six months, my dad was in a bad car accident, my aunt (who lives with my parents) had a heart attack, my mom's health was bad and then my dad was in another accident and I was completely suffering from a bad thyroid and hormones being off and changing my diet and ..ugh..I was a mess. I was so mad at him for acting like I should have dropped everything to pay attention to him considering all I was going through.

I tried to pay attention but his father figure had died a few months before all this started and I had helped to take care of him without so much as a thank you from my husband...who didn't go to see the poor man hardly at all. Instead myhusband was starting this affair and sank into a deep depression and pushed me away .He started picking fights and telling me all I did wrong, I guess to make himself feel better about what he was doing? I don't know...

But yes, I believe he had a huge mid life crisis. THe woman/thing was a past girlfriend who had treated him horrible and I think he wanted to prove to her she'd made a mistake. All he will say to me is he doesn't know why he did it or what he was thinking. Her daughter paid all this attention to him and so did she and I think his ego was boosted. His grandfather left him money and he started paying this families bills and buying gifts. He felt like he was being a big man, a rescuer.

Makes me sick to even think about it...like he didn't need him here at home. I used to wake up at night, gasping, and they diagnosed me with sleep apnea. It's better now, after losing 50 pounds, but at the time it was terrifying and I'd wake up and call for him and he wasn't there.....he was with her, but I thought he was working late. I stll have trouble trusting he'll be there for me. If I have any issues now I don't call for him, or callhim at work, even though he tells me to. I'm still hesitant and untrusting.

But things are getting better. We are spending more time together and telling each other we love each other more and holding each other more...there is a lot of good stuff happening and I'm happy for that. I only wish this pain wasn't what led to that.

im so sorry you've been through so much,and congrats on the weightloss,thats a big accomplishment,and I bet physically you feel better,and I will check out that site.

and glad its getting better one day at a time

February 1, 2014

While some people don't like her, I am a big fan of Dr Laura Schlesinger (Sp?) One of the things that she does a real good job of explaining is that if a man feels desired, respected/admired and appreciated by his wife he could come home from work one day and find a dozen super models writhing around naked in his front yard begging for his d!ck (she didn't use the word d!ck, but she said the rest and it was what she meant) and he would just step over them to go to his wife inside the house.

However if he doesn't feel those things from his wife she will just become another nagging, complaining, whining woman and he will turn away from her and either turn inward with things like alcohol/drugs etc, workaholism or turn outwards towards other women and eventually have affairs or porn addictions etc.

Men really ask for so little. All they really need to happy and content is some respect and appreciation for what they do and for their wives to have some sincere attraction and desire for them. If those things are in place they will kill and die for their wives and move mountains to make them happy.

The catch is though, men don't really relate to emotions or feelings and can't really grasp discussing emotions. They have no real frame of reference for such discussions. Words don't mean anything. They can only relate to behaviors and actions.

Men give and receive love and affection etc through their sexuality. Sexuality is the conduit through which they exchange love and affection. If the romance/sexuality isn't there, the love and affection is effectively blocked.

You can say you love and appreciate your husband but if all you do is give him a list of complaints and gripes at the end of the day and you are always "too busy", "too tired", "too fat", "not in the mood" etc etc etc to make love to him, then it's just words and it doesn't mean a thing.

If you are too tired/busy/fat/not in the mood etc to physically love him, then to him, you don't care about him, don't love him, don't desire him and don't matter to him.

cont.....

February 1, 2014

If you are too tired/busy/fat/not in the mood etc to physically love him, then to him, you don't care about him, don't love him, don't desire him and don't matter to him.

cont.....

This does NOT give anyone license to cheat!!!

However what it does is it sets up an environment for him to consider it a viable option and for his little voice in his head to tell him that if you don't want his sexuality then you won't care if he gives it to someone else who does.

If he then gets into a situation where someone IS desiring him and wanting him, that little voice goes into overdrive and is shouting at the top of it's lungs.

The fact that a wife has gotten lazy and stopped loving up her husband is NOT an excuse to cheat, but it sets the stage for nature to take it's course when he gets into a situation where someone else is giving him the nudge-nudge-wink-wink.

Not feeling desired by and attractive to their wives is a HUGE HUGE HUGE factor in many affairs by otherwise normal, decent men who were good husbands and fathers prior to the neglect (meaning - excluding guys who were already sociopaths, narcicists and chronic womanizers etc)

February 1, 2014

he felt I wasn't attracted to him,that I found him disgusting,in a way he was right I didn't find him attractive anymore,he gained a lot of weight,going bald,i take care of myself,exercise,eat right,always dressed good.

Now to be fair, men have to step up to the plate and do their share of the heavy lifting to ensure that they are attractive to their wives too.

There is no excuse for putting on 25+ lbs or not brushing their teeth or dressing like a slob or letting themselves go.

There's no excuse for spending all free time in front of the TV or the computer (been there/done that and paid the price myself firsthand :-O ) or neglecting the house/kids/wife etc etc

Cheating may be wrong and there may not be a valid excuse for it, but it is the result of natural forces and it is something that EVERYONE is capable of with the right set of circumstances.

Everyone will face temptation and opportunities to cheat at various times. The more your partner (male or female!) feels undesired/neglected or that they just don't matter, the higher their chances of going for it when that opportunity presents itself.

February 1, 2014

I was sure that the reason my h did not want to touch me, have sex with me, or be affectionate toward me was because something was wrong with me that made him not want me. I tried everything I could think of. One thing I did NOT to do was talk to a professional person who might have been able to give me some guidance. I feel sure that if I had sought that kind of help I would have realized sooner he was just not into physical intimacy rather than not into me. As it was, I let myself get sadder and madder and lonelier and then made the ultimate selfish choice.

If I had it to do over again I would have sought real help and told him "either we get help for this or I am gone." Cheating just makes everything worse.

February 1, 2014

...... in the end, many affairs are not so much the result of the WS desiring the OM/OW so much as them feeling desired BY the OM/OW and not by their own spouse.

Good thread and good post Snappytomcat!!!!

February 1, 2014

I was sure that the reason my h did not want to touch me, have sex with me, or be affectionate toward me was because something was wrong with me that made him not want me. I tried everything I could think of. One thing I did NOT to do was talk to a professional person who might have been able to give me some guidance. I feel sure that if I had sought that kind of help I would have realized sooner he was just not into physical intimacy rather than not into me. As it was, I let myself get sadder and madder and lonelier and then made the ultimate selfish choice.

If I had it to do over again I would have sought real help and told him "either we get help for this or I am gone." Cheating just makes everything worse.

You bring up a real good point too Jane. I read something somewhere recently that said women will sit and endure misery for a long long time until they can't take it anymore and then just snap and leave nothing but scorched earth behind them.

Men will just walk away from it.

Both suck at actually addressing it and trying to improve it before something bad happens.

February 1, 2014

I had to do a lot of soul searching,and be honest with myself(cause I can be very stubborn)that I had a lot to do with how he was feeling inside,i was being selfish(not that he wasn't 100%wrong for cheating)I just didn't think men had to have there egos stroked,i never heard or saw my mom do that for my dad,or grandparents etc etc,and if hubby would have communicated that's what he needed,but he didn't so we are also working on our communication skills,cause neither one of us likes to talk about our feelings

thank you all for commenting and the advice

February 1, 2014

I had to do a lot of soul searching,and be honest with myself(cause I can be very stubborn)that I had a lot to do with how he was feeling inside,i was being selfish(not that he wasn't 100%wrong for cheating)I just didn't think men had to have there egos stroked,i never heard or saw my mom do that for my dad,or grandparents etc etc,and if hubby would have communicated that's what he needed,but he didn't so we are also working on our communication skills,cause neither one of us likes to talk about our feelings
thank you all for commenting and the advice

As I guy, have to say this -

ITS NOT ABOUT STROKING EGOS. IT HAS TO BE REAL.

You can force a laugh at my silly jokes, you can bat your eyes at me, you can stroke my biceps and ooh and aaaahhh at them all day long and tell me how handsome and sexy I am until you run out of breath.

But I can see right through you if you are just saying it and don't really feel it.

And if you don't really feel it, it don't mean a thing and if I already question your intentions, it will be more offensive than any good.

If you truly aren't feeling the love for me, I only want you to do two things-

- tell me how I can fix it so you desire me for real.

- but if I can't fix it, let me go so I can find someone who does without wasting any more time.

February 1, 2014

.... and in reference to your mother and grandmother, one of two things may have been occurring.

One is they may not have ever even tried and their marraiges were dead but since it was in a time people simply suffered for decades instead of divorcing they all just languished in quiet desperation and thus modeled dysfunctional marital dynamics for you.

Or they had sincere love and desire for their husbands so they didn't have to put on a public show of "ego stroking." If they were laying them like tile behind closed doors after the sun went down, they didn't need to put on any kind of acts.

February 1, 2014

.... and in reference to your mother and grandmother, one of two things may have been occurring.

One is they may not have ever even tried and their marraiges were dead but since it was in a time people simply suffered for decades instead of divorcing they all just languished in quiet desperation and thus modeled dysfunctional marital dynamics for you.

Or they had sincere love and desire for their husbands so they didn't have to put on a public show of "ego stroking." If they were laying them like tile behind closed doors after the sun went down, they didn't need to put on any kind of acts.

he knows I mean it (cause I do)when I stroke his ego,cause its hard for me to do so without any meaning,but thanks for giving me the mans perspective,sometimes I think hubby is to embarrassed to tell me how hes feeling,or what hes thinking

February 1, 2014

oops was gonna mention about grandparents,actually my grandpa(miss him so much,my buddy)after my grandma passed told me one night,after he had been drinking,that he,and my grandma hadn't had sex for 20 years,that was 17 yrs ago he told me this,at the time I was creeped out that gramps was talking about his sex life with me,and then I just thought he said to much while buzzed,but now I think it was true,and so sad

February 2, 2014

Oldshirt,

You are so wise!

Shame that it takes such an earth shatteringly awful experience to open a person's eyes to the truth.

It is so easy, as a woman, to get caught up in the day to day routine of working/kids/life and forget the romance.

I don't understand why we treat strangers with more kindness than we do the people we supposedly love the most.

But we do!

But now, life is different.

In a good way

And I agree with everything you said......sincere ego stroking happens every day in our home!!!! By both of us!

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did your ws think you no longer found them attractive?????

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