wistfulgirl Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Full story on another thread in Infidelity section "how could he leave it like this?" Short story, had a bad patch in my M 18 mths ago and had an A (my only in almost 15 years). We're on/off the whole time (mostly off) but he had kept in contact the whole time knowing how strongly I felt for him and that I would have left my H if he would have asked. Was most intense connection of my life, he told me he loved me, never felt this way about any other girl etc, but ended things whenever they got to their most intense point as he was a "commitment phobe"'and had never had a R longer than 6mths. He said he couldnt handle an A and had to end things as hadnt realisefld how much hed end up falling for me so was best in the long run to end things. I accepted this reason but still felt such a strong bond and connection and as he'd always kept in contact I'd never duly got over him. Back in September I found out he'd got an official GF (first for him) and he told me that if I was single we would be together, was just a better situation all round. I then cut contact and told him was as I couldn't handle hearing about his R as loved him so much and would never forget him. Was left on a "good note". I didnt attempt to contact him for 3 mths until Xmas night when was drunk and sent him a merry Xmas message. He then turned on me, said he'd heard from a "mutual friend" that I'd lied about us and said best we don't speak anymore. I have accepted this and handled best as I could, and my M has actually improved dramatically since we finally broke contact. But I have good days and bad days, and still think about fOM every day. Had never opened up and been that vunerable with someone, and he knew hiw much i loved him so really hurts that he would leave things so nastily. Need help in knocking him off his pedestal....
devilish innocent Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 If by knocking him off his pedestal you mean, you're going to try to find a way to get revenge on him, I suggest that you don't. It just shows that you're still hung up on him if you're trying to get any type of a reaction out of him. Most likely anything you would try would just backfire. Either he'll ignore you, or he'll get mad and try to get back at you. If he ignores you, you'll be frustrated at not seeing the reaction you want. If he tries to get back at you, you'll just be even more emotional over him. You've already gone through too much drama with this guy. Don't put yourself in a position where you'll have even more drama. Focus on the things that matter in your life. The less dealings you have with him, the sooner you'll reach a point where you don't care about him one way or the other.
AnyaNova Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The higher your self-esteem, the lower his pedestal. 1
Author wistfulgirl Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 I don't want revenge in the slightest - I'm not a vengeful person and just not in my nature. I feel very hurt that he has chosen to believe I lied about us to this mutual "friend" when I've always been honest to him. And maybe he doesn't believe it, just makes it easier to convince himself of that and walk away without looking back. Just found it hard as was so intense last time we saw each other, and he's ended it since then, contacted me for months letting me believe he cared, then got an official GF (which he has always run away from) now accused me of lying then ignored me. Hard to understand his behaviour and still remember the good times so want to change my perception of him and stop idolising him (which much as it pains me to admit to myself u still kind of do)
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 Any advice on how to stop thinking of and idolising someone who has moved on and left things nastily? I know I can't /wont contact him but he's still taken residence in my mind which only causes me pain
k10k Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Any advice on how to stop thinking of and idolising someone who has moved on and left things nastily? I know I can't /wont contact him but he's still taken residence in my mind which only causes me pain You need to LET THIS GO. He has moved on, and it doesn't matter that he left things nastily - it's irrelevant now. The only reason why he has "taken residence in your mind" is because you're allowing it - the more you obsess over him, the more you're implementing this person permanently into your brain. Many times we become obsessed with someone we can't have. You've even stated that this is causing you pain, so... just stop it. You need to retrain your brain - every time you think of him, force your thoughts away from him. Think of something more pleasant, focus on all the things you have in your life that you should be feeling grateful for, i.e your husband, your home, the beautiful day... anything that brings you joy. Focus on all your blessings in this present moment, instead of something that is in the past which is not bringing you happiness. x 2
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 1, 2014 Author Posted February 1, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your reply. And I know letting go is all I can do now, I'm just struggling to do so and keep trying to understand how he could have been so cruel and cold in cutting me off like he did. I am focusing on my M and work etc and trying to keep myself distracted but at certain times he pops into my head (before falling asleep, when first waking, certain songs on the radio etc) then I feel bad that I still care when he doesn't and evidentially haven't moved on as much as I thought I had which keeps the cycle going - start feeling down on myself, think about him cutting me off, being with someone else when wouldn't fight for me, accusing me of lying when I didn't, then feel worse about myself... I suppose I'm finding it hard as how it was left made me feel like I'd meant nothing to him and that I was that disposable to him...and that even though he knows how much he's hurt me he doesn't think I'm worth a nice response/ goodbye message. These thoughts further damage my self esteem, which I guess is why I still have him on this pedestal in my mind. Edited February 1, 2014 by wistfulgirl
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 i had to write to you as my AP put me through the exact same thing. Almost word for word. Again, bad time in marriage. I too have mental issues he knew off. He knew how vulnerable I was. He said and did all the right things and then he when it came down to it, when I decided to leave my marriage, he had a girlfriend he was seeing? wow.
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 Whythis - thanks for your message...wow that's freaky! Will read up on your threads. When did this happen to you? Are you still in your marriage? And do you still have feelings for xAP now?? Xxx
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 i am still in my marriage but my brain is just so foggy with all of this. he really did a number on me. weirdly enough once i let go of that, i did become better, i started working on myself etc. then he started contacting me again. i ignored. and he emailed/messaged. eventuallly i allowed myself to see him and the old feelings came back. i do have feelings for him, in fact tenderness. sometimes i feel sorry for him because he s always been this alone. we did have a connection and i do believe the feelings were real but they were also something that wouldnt translate in real life. yes, like you i considered leaving marriage for him ( marriage was bad before this too in fairness though), but i told you what happened haha the last time we saw eachother was after possibly weeks of him wanting to meet up just to hang out ( of course). time and time again i said no and made excuses ( i was really determined to put it behind me). i was in a better place mentally and didnt want to go back to my brain hell. but then one night, a few drinks, i weakened, we met. the hand holding, the i miss yous, the everything and we were right back. the difference though, i woke up the next morning and i wanted to BURN my skin. i was so disgusted and ashamed. this man had technically rejected me, hurt me so badly and here i was at a snap of fingers offering myself like one of NO dignity? and my husband. no matter what issues i had/have, does NOT deserve this. i know i ran after him because i just wanted him to WANT ME. i am good enough, just tell me im good enough were thoughts racing through my head. now, no, i'd NEVER leave for him. i in no way condone my actions but time has shown me he should have known better. in no way condoning my actions but i was in a horrible mental state and all that made it so much worse.
Author wistfulgirl Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 How long ago did you last see him/speak to him? And how did you come to the realisation that you're better without him? I have days where I almost long for a breadcrumb from him, but know it would just set me back further as he's proved to me how easily he can walk away. And I torture myself with thoughts of him and his GF (not purposefully, and don't look on fb for info anymore) but still feel sad that he obvs thinks she's worth committing to and I'm not. Have been much better in myself and my M over the past few weeks, just have these thoughts in my head sometimes that I try not to feed and hope will eventually go away. Just feel like I need some tips on how to see him for what he really is and stop idolising him as the perfect man (that I rationally know he's not but subconsciously still remember the good times and wish he'd thought I was worth fighting for) xxx 1
whythis Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 it was around 3 months ago. the pain was excruciating so i do sympathize. i think what helped in the end of it all was to accept the situation for what it is. believe me the more you do to try and 'rectify' the situation the worse off you will feel. our affair was all 6/7 months, on and off. i realised i was better off the night he told me of the girlfriend. i was just so baffled and hurt and realised there was nothing i could do. i do believe we had a connection but what point was there to it? ultimately i had to think of my life as a whole ( well i am trying now), do i want little bursts of intense emotion or something that will serve to better me for the long run. i will say though, don;t force yourself to get over this. for me at least the more i tried to eradicate my hurt feelings or thoughts, the stronger they got. put this energy in something creative where you can showcase your pain. i chose poetry. as for your feelings, let it all go. remember we will never know what went down in their heads and thinking about it and banging head on wall is as fruitful as trying to empty sea with a fork. it happened, forgive yourself and forgive him. he did what he did because he could, and whether it meant something or whether it did, it's done. and even if you harbour feelings, thats fine but always remember, if its your marriage that you really want, this man doesn't compare. a sad truth, after the 'end' with ex AP, i literally was in a heap in the bathroom crying hysterically. husband had no idea what i was crying over but yet he bent over and carried me to the bedroom. after everything i did, he showed such gentleness and love for me. would ex AP have done that? would be be there for you and understand you? at the first miscommunication, he ran off. maybe it's time to stop thinking that his actions and abrupt end had anything to do with you, maybe it's him. he's not programmed as you are. for now, don't put such emphasis on idolising him or anything, it's fine. there are days i long for crumbs too and i do care what he thinks of me but that says more about how i value myself than anything else unfortunately 1
whythis Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 somethinglittlelittle at gmail com made this email you can contact me here!
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