H of Compulsive Dancer, 1 year after Dday

[Compulsive Musician]

Hey everybody. It's been a while since I posted.

 

I thought the 1 year after Dday mark would be a good time to check-in.

 

The time leading up to D-day was tough. Tough enough I slipped back into a mindset interested in bringing destruction to Douche's (OM) world.

 

We've been working on buying a house since October, which has been a huge stress (since we basically had one shot at getting a mortgage of ANY kind for a least a couple more years, AND it was unclear we were going to stay together).

Throughout, the affair still came to mind (no exaggeration) at least once a wakeful hour. It might've been triggers (when someone's your best friend for 15 years, their lives are indivisibly intertwined with yours), insecurity (CD has mentioned odd questions that pop up.. they always pop up at moments I'm feeling down/vulnerable. I'm not sure she really understands that. lol), or just general ebb and flow of the mind.

 

We're closing on the house today.

 

This is notable for a lot of reasons.

 

The very week of Dday, I found an interesting position emerging.

 

I didn't care. With each passing day, marking the day of my life's betrayals and subsequent transformation as a person seemed to possess diminishing importance.

 

By the time Dday came, I just passed the day, mostly like any other. I made some extra time to snuggle and love my woman. And plenty of pause was still given on both our parts to reflect on the day.

 

As you know, I'd asked her to leave for one day and night. To spend that time thinking about ourselves, our goals, our relationship (both with and without each other), and give dedicated pause to consider the relationship as we approach house purchasing.

 

But when she came down to tell me she was leaving, I really had no interest. It all seemed superfluous. I enjoyed snuggling up to sleep that night. Glad that she was there.

 

So, a year out, I can say I'm finally happy my wife and I are together, and mean it. My depression and general malaise has been like a deep fog. It's shrouded my drive and interests for this last year. But the fog kind of ambiguously starts to fade over time. Start having more good days than bad. And finally, start being mostly interested in the future, and what I and WE can achieve. I think that's the biggest thing. That's the notable transition.

 

-Thinking about the future has replaced much of my thoughts about the A-

 

As such, my life in general feels like it's moving ahead.

 

I forgot I used to do this all the time. I feel like my old self again in that respect. And it's nice.

 

Some day I may even be able to forgive her. This is a big deal (I'm... pretty horrible at genuine forgiveness.)

 

I think I'm still in a state of mind that would kick the living crap out of Douche if I saw him, though. Maybe not. It's untested, and I've made immense strides in making sure I don't seek him out. To date, I have done -nothing- to him. Let me just say, as a person who spends his life keeping his inner anger within positive societal standards (just in general), this single-handedly has been the HARDEST thing I've ever had to make myself do in my life. NC for CD was hard. For me, it is a defining display of self control against blind rage. I'm finally 60% proud I kept the inner beast at bay, while 40% would still love to release the crazy.

 

I hovered at the 50/50 mark most of the last year. I guess it started to change around the New Year.

 

2013 was the worst year of my life. However, being a living, breathing, receptive and adaptable human being, it taught me a number of lessons (in no particular order).

 

1) Good friends can be hard to come by.

 

2) Left unchecked, human selfishness has no boundaries.

 

3) Without empathy, society cannot co-exist. It is truly a core principle.

 

4) The things we build over a lifetime are so easily destroyed. Destruction has many paths. Creation has but one.

 

5) I can remain true to myself, even in times of duress. I have the strength to have hope for our species, and to choose, maintain, and defend (even if it's from me) my moral compass.

 

6) We are a very impatient species. We live, focused on ever decreasing times scales. Patience is a virtue. Be virtuous.

 

7) Though you will surely be given reasons in life, you should never regret the love and trust you give. They are the bonds that maintain peace and joy. Pity those who would abuse/disregard them, and lead those who are unsure by example.

 

8) You cannot truly control you own thoughts. The mind, like time, is an ever flowing river. However, you can direct the course of a river over time. Patience, diligence, foresight.

 

9) No matter the magnitude of your challenges in life, the world keeps turning. This is a wonderful thing.

 

10) What we achieve together far surpasses what we do individually.

 

11) Your world is what you make of it. Only YOU can truly make you happy.

 

12) Music is a salve for life's chaotic wounds.

 

Many more, I'm sure, but these are the front runners.

 

These lessons strengthen me beyond measure. I feel as though a chapter of my life is coming to a close. I'm excited to dive into the next one, renewed with new-found wisdom. I feel stronger and more capable than ever.

[dichotomy]

I am glad you feel a new chapter is starting for you. What ever the thoughts or views that lead you to the new path - as long as you feel it is the right one for you.... Then I am all for it.

[BetrayedH]

Congrats on that feeling of having turned a corner (and congrats on closing on your home).

 

The part of your post that struck me was your mention of forgiveness. It's a big word to me that means wiping the debt clear. It means something different to others. I'm curious that if you reach that point, will you be prepared to give up your "free pass" for extra-marital sex? I wrestled mightily with the fact that my wife was going to have "gotten away with" a fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage. Will you be able to give that up? Or will you feel a need to have that even while you have forgiven her?

 

My apologies for bringing it down to "that" level. I think my jealousy impeded my ability to forgive and so I'm curious if you think you'll have better success.

[Fluttershy]

Congrats on that feeling of having turned a corner (and congrats on closing on your home).

 

The part of your post that struck me was your mention of forgiveness. It's a big word to me that means wiping the debt clear. It means something different to others. I'm curious that if you reach that point, will you be prepared to give up your "free pass" for extra-marital sex? I wrestled mightily with the fact that my wife was going to have "gotten away with" a fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage. Will you be able to give that up? Or will you feel a need to have that even while you have forgiven her?

 

My apologies for bringing it down to "that" level. I think my jealousy impeded my ability to forgive and so I'm curious if you think you'll have better success.

 

What forgiveness is defintly personal, i agree. For me it was when I no longer held it against him. So much the same as you. I kept choosig to actively forgive him by the second chance and what not but when I realized it had really happened was when we had a huge row and resolved it and only after did I realize the A had not entered in. When I looked at him I no longer heard te chant "you cheated, you cheated."

 

And I knew I had forgiven his xOW when I saw her and didn't feel like swerving my car... Lol.

[Raven3321]

It took me 6 months to finally forgive my WW from the time I decided to until I actually had. I prayed for her forgiveness everyday during that time....but also added in my prayer that if a truck would accidentally hit her, I promised to send flowers to the funeral. After 6 months, I no longer felt the pain inside whever I saw her. Even though, by this time she had entered into a second affair which doomed our marriage, I still had no animosity toward her.

 

Forgiveness is not a feeling.....it's a decision. Also, forgiveness is more for you than her. Unforgiveness is like drinking poisen and hoping the other person will die. It's not worth it.

 

I truly hope you two make it and make it strong. I know it's hard but try to every once in a while, thank God for what you do have in her. Some of us would love to have a repentant wife to snuggle with.

[Confused48]

 

Forgiveness is not a feeling.....it's a decision. Also, forgiveness is more for you than her. Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die. It's not worth it.

 

Thanks for this. I needed to hear this.

[janedoe67]

CM, your character impresses me. CD is a lucky woman and I wish you both the best.

[harrybrown]

Glad that you have turned the corner. I hope you do not have to turn too many more corners.

 

Your wife is very lucky to have a husband like you. Some men would have walked. You are also lucky to have a wife like her. I hope you will both remember this wonderful second chance.

 

Enjoy the house and 2014. I do hope that 2013 is the worst year you will ever have.

[BetrayedH]

I hope you do not have to turn too many more corners.

 

Not to discourage CM but I felt like I "turned a corner" so many times that I felt singularly responsible for making it a cliche.

 

You are also lucky to have a wife like her.

 

I was going to say this, too. Sure doesn't sound right to say but I think it's going to prove to be true. Best of luck to you both.

[Steadfast]

The very week of Dday, I found an interesting position emerging.

 

I didn't care.

 

Brilliant, encouraging thought.

 

In my opinion, any betrayed spouse needs to grow some really thick skin. Reconciled or not, but especially if. I believe that you are facing facts; I believe that you know the chances of your wife cheating again are greater than her remaining faithful. This isn't a personal attack, it's odds and averages. Your fear of this isn't holding you back from being who you are, or becoming what you can be. Reality is reality. Being afraid of it is choice.

 

This is what I would have hoped for myself, had my ex decided to work it out. Life is too short for worry and wonder. One must say 'the hell with it' and move along if they want personal success. You'll be fine -and thrive- no matter what she does. Here's hoping she finds the same strength.

 

An all time great post. I'm rooting for the two of you to make it.

[Fluttershy]

Brilliant, encouraging thought.

 

In my opinion, any betrayed spouse needs to grow some really thick skin. Reconciled or not, but especially if. I believe that you are facing facts; I believe that you know the chances of your wife cheating again are greater than her remaining faithful. This isn't a personal attack, it's odds and averages. Your fear of this isn't holding you back from being who you are, or becoming what you can be. Reality is reality. Being afraid of it is choice.

 

This is what I would have hoped for myself, had my ex decided to work it out. Life is too short for worry and wonder. One must say 'the hell with it' and move along if they want personal success. You'll be fine -and thrive- no matter what she does. Here's hoping she finds the same strength.

 

An all time great post. I'm rooting for the two of you to make it.

 

I disagree statistics. The spouse's who generally repeat cheat are the ones who don't truly self evalute and do the hard work. Rug sweeping by the BS also raises te odds of an affair. This alone skewers the statistics.

 

I know IRL the "seriel" cheaters and one time cheaters I have seen it is easy to see the spouse's who offer cheap forgiveness and are gaslighted and manipulated by their cheater.

[krazikat]

I disagree statistics. The spouse's who generally repeat cheat are the ones who don't truly self evalute and do the hard work. Rug sweeping by the BS also raises te odds of an affair. This alone skewers the statistics.

 

I know IRL the "seriel" cheaters and one time cheaters I have seen it is easy to see the spouse's who offer cheap forgiveness and are gaslighted and manipulated by their cheater.

 

Agreed. This has been slot of work and rebuilding of the relationship. I believe that there is a great chance for this couple at healing and staying true.

[BetrayedH]

Don't use it.