confusedandhurt2002 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Honestly? Feeling bad about how he treated her in the past (even though she originally cheated on him) is how he got into the affair in the first place. He contacted her to apologize for something he'd said and she took that as "I can call and text you every single day now." He opened the door and never closed it. I think he does feel bad but he's afraid to even take his brain to there right now because then he'll feel like he somehow has to apologize and she'll see that as opening the door again. I think he feels that if he says "I feel bad for her," my head will totally explode and I'll beat him senseless. We are about seven months into this. As things settle down I do believe he will express more remorse toward how he handled it. Actually, as I am typing, I remember him saying during a counseling session how horrible he felt that he contributed to her committing adultery on her husband as well. So he does feel horrible about what he did, but he knows he cant open that door again. He hasn't turned on a dime and walked away because he is unfeeling...he did it to save our marriage and as he said to me: "So I don't lose the woman I see myself growing old with." Whether they were ever together or not, her mere presence in our life would completely erode the foundation we are trying to rebuild here. However, given the information I provided, which was very limited, I totally see how it appears that way to you. What I don't like about that is that it shows he's a user. He could at least have some compassion for this person he was so intimate with, but it doesn't seem like it's in him, he just used her to get his needs met. This guy can use someone and turn his feelings on a dime. Not attractive. I'd rather be with the cheater who recognizes his mistake, but at least feels bad for the person he used and is turning away from.
Spark1111 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 WW, your empathy is admirable but I, too, caution you not to waste it. The world is filled with sad stories, people making poor choices or having been victimized or preyed upon. Yet, they still might not cheat with YOUR H. My problem comes when someone is victimized over and over again, or uses their victimization to make poor choices, or goes on to victimize another..... get professional help and stay away from my man, KWIM? Today I save my empathy for those who work diligently to stop being the perpetual victim, the damsel or DUMSEL in distress, and use their emotional pain to victimize others. 6
jnel921 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 WW, the OW in my situation was a sick puppy. I am sure she has gone through stuff as it was apparent in her behavior and how she handled her life. A big hug from me and profound words will not fix her. Perhaps a good a$$ whooping would have. It may have taught her not to mess with married men. These OW have to know when they are lying to their families and taking something that is not theirs eventually they will have to be accountable. Some women are lucky or smart enough to recognize that what they are about to do or want to do is wrong and will not do it and do their best not to hurt anyone, but then there are those who don't care and don't think of the consequences. Unfortunately this is who most of us here had to deal with. I refuse to feel sorry or embrace someone who clearly doesn't give a crap. She clearly didn't think of me when I was in tears. Didn't think twice of me when she was screwing my H. I could care less what is going on in her sad life. With that said, she knows my H doesn't care as she recently tried to talk to him and he let her know he would not speak to her. Don't give that woman energy with your words. I believe in the laws of attraction. She may pop up out of the blue one day and try to hurt you yet once again. Work on your R. Focus on the great things happening in your M. 3
frogss29 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 I can completely understand a BS's need to understand all sides of a situation. But I think everyone has had difficult times in their lives that have led them to be the person they are. And in saying that, I also think that everyone has a choice to do what they do. People make mistakes. That is human I just think the type of person you become is how you deal/learn from your mistakes and try to be better I really have no respect for people who blame their upbringing etc on the way their lives are as an adult. SOMETIME we have to take a long , hard look at ourselves and chart our own course. And not blame our past. I admire the fact that you are a 'bigger person' who obviously has a big heart 1
sidney2718 Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Thank you. I think also, it helps to 'humanise' people. To begin with, the OW is just a bitch who had an affair with 'your' H (being generic now, not specific) and someone to be disrespected, insulted and vilified. How dare she!? WTF can't she look for an UNmarried man, instead of screwing 'my' H and messing where she has no right to be?! Suddenly, more background gives a more complete picture. That said, however, I think it a poor practice to lean back on one's past and use it to justify or explain current behaviour. I'm not saying she has done that; but previous experience is no excuse for current poor decisions. Such matters render the person more real, more human more vulnerable. It doesn't relieve blame, however. While I generally agree, I do think that understanding the past to get a handle on current behavior is very useful. As you say, it doesn't excuse anything, but it may make it easier for others to forgive. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 While I generally agree, I do think that understanding the past to get a handle on current behavior is very useful. As you say, it doesn't excuse anything, but it may make it easier for others to forgive. For me I had to completely understand and get a grip on my past in order to understand my current choices. Oddly enough when the counselor really explained the abandonment issues to my husband he was able to wrap his head around why I did certain things - it started to make sense to him. Let me be clear - it does not excuse behavior and choices at all - it is just a way to understand why. For me, I needed that. I think it's amazing that WW has recognized where this ow has come from. Her understanding has created this empathy which in turn creates this evolution within her that helps her to see people through a different set of eyes. I think everything we experience does that for us in some way. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I have to admit that I feel zero empathy for the OM. Not only did he engage with my wife in a year-long affair with our family's money supporting half of their hotel rendezous and leading her to the hotwife website and a threesome with a prostitute but he still has his job, marriage, and kids. It's remarkable I didn't kill the guy. Yeah - this never seems fair when the other party appears to get off Scott free. I forget, BH, did his wife know of the affair?
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