waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) I have found some things out about H’s ex-OW. She had an affair with another MM a while back – I knew the MM was the step-father of her boyfriend, but I hadn’t realised that at that time OW was only 15. She was a child and the MM was a paedophile. He was lucky not to be reported to the police. The affair went over for nearly a year. Apparently he was head over heels in love with her and all for leaving wife and family and running off with her, but she got scared and told his wife and her boyfriend. I knew MM and his wife after this time but hadn’t known about the affair – it would explain a lot about how quiet and lacking in confidence his wife always seemed and why, a few years later, she left him seemingly out of the blue. I have also heard from the same source that OW had put feelers out to MM a year or so after the affair ended when she had a baby by another man who then left her, but he turned her down. Then she got together with her current H who by all accounts is a controlling and pretty horrible guy. So why she married him after living with him for 5 years I cannot imagine. She tried to leave him whilst in the affair with H – the timing seems suspicious. She ‘ended’ the affair when she realised that I was still a huge part of H’s life and that he really wasn’t intending to leave any time soon. I wonder if there wasn’t a bit of manipulation involved but I don’t know. It sort of explains why H appealed to her. He is (under normal circumstances) a loyal decent man with a stable marriage (at that time), a responsible job and a nice home. He must have seemed just what the doctor ordered. He became just another man who has hurt her. I want to find her and give her a hug and say I’m sorry for all the **** life has thrown at her. And if there’s anything I can do, short of handing over my H, to help. I suspect she’d tell me to get stuffed, so I won’t of course. I should feel blessed that my life has been, compared to her, so bereft of utter monsters. BTW I heard this from a good friend who knows the family of the MM and was there mopping up the wife’s tears when the first affair happened. Is she an unimpeachable source? Probably not, but a fairly reliable one. Edited January 31, 2014 by waterwoman Word gobbledegook! 3
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Thanks for editing... I waited on purpose.... All this 'I heard' stuff.... What difference does it make to you? 1
cozycottagelg Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Sounds like she was dealt a terrible hand in life. I'm sorry your husband got sucked in. I think it speaks volumes that you can feel this way toward her. <3 5
Author waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Thanks for editing... I waited on purpose.... All this 'I heard' stuff.... What difference does it make to you? What difference? None I suppose in reality. It helps me to understand a little more how the situation arose. Not to mention by DD is 14 (15 next month) and it brings it home to me how vulnerable OW must have been at that age. I like to understand how people tick - what drives them.
Author waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Sounds like she was dealt a terrible hand in life. I'm sorry your husband got sucked in. I think it speaks volumes that you can feel this way toward her. <3 Thankyou I always felt a bit sorry for her TBH even though I was furious with her too. I had met her several times and she gave off this vulnerable air - I wanted to think it was an act. Maybe it wasn't.
TaraMaiden Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 What difference? None I suppose in reality. It helps me to understand a little more how the situation arose. Not to mention by DD is 14 (15 next month) and it brings it home to me how vulnerable OW must have been at that age. I like to understand how people tick - what drives them. Thank you. I think also, it helps to 'humanise' people. To begin with, the OW is just a bitch who had an affair with 'your' H (being generic now, not specific) and someone to be disrespected, insulted and vilified. How dare she!? WTF can't she look for an UNmarried man, instead of screwing 'my' H and messing where she has no right to be?! Suddenly, more background gives a more complete picture. That said, however, I think it a poor practice to lean back on one's past and use it to justify or explain current behaviour. I'm not saying she has done that; but previous experience is no excuse for current poor decisions. Such matters render the person more real, more human more vulnerable. It doesn't relieve blame, however. 6
Grumpybutfun Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 The title of this thread sounds like a country song..... Your compassion is very admirable, OP. Sometimes trying to see the trees individually in the midst of a forrest helps one get their bearings. Sounds like this insight is a step in the right direction for you to heal and move on. G 3
Snowflower Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) This is going to sound harsh, especially coming from another BW but I mean it with YOU in mind, waterwoman. I don't think focusing on the troubles that the OW in your sitch had in the past is going to help YOU, waterwoman. TBH, I was a little creeped out that you would post so much about the OWs past. Why would you want to know this much about her? Does it make you feel slightly better about your H's choice to have an A with her? Not that she probably has any idea that you did this but you know so much about her from 3rd party sources... It kind of reminds me of when OW will post a whole bunch about their MM's BS that they have heard from MM or other 3rd parties. I always think it is none of their (meaning OW) business to know anything about the BS. And, I'm sorry to say that it is really none of your business to know all this about the OW. That being said, your empathy for her is admirable. I just don't think you should be focusing on her lot in life. Perhaps knowing this about her allows you to accept a little easier what happened? I think you should examine your own motives for trying to understand her. She could be the most messed up person in the world but that is still not going to erase the fact that your H had an A with her. Edited January 31, 2014 by Snowflower 1
Author waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 This is going to sound harsh, especially coming from another BW but I mean it with YOU in mind, waterwoman. I don't think focusing on the troubles that the OW in your sitch had in the past is going to help YOU, waterwoman. TBH, I was a little creeped out that you would post so much about the OWs past. Why would you want to know this much about her? Does it make you feel slightly better about your H's choice to have an A with her? Not that she probably has any idea that you did this but you know so much about her from 3rd party sources... It kind of reminds me of when OW will post a whole bunch about their MM's BS that they have heard from MM or other 3rd parties. I always think it is none of their (meaning OW) business to know anything about the BS. And, I'm sorry to say that it is really none of your business to know all this about the OW. That being said, your empathy for her is admirable. I just don't think you should be focusing on her lot in life. Perhaps knowing this about her allows you to accept a little easier what happened? I think you should examine your own motives for trying to understand her. She could be the most messed up person in the world but that is still not going to erase the fact that your H had an A with her. Not harsh it it's your genuine opinion. Whether it;s none of my business or not to know about her, I DO know about her. in fact you might argue that her getting involved with my husband forced me to know about her. Perhaps I have just analysed H's motives to death. I've analysed myself to death. Why not the third party in this situation too? 5
Fluttershy Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I don't see anything wrong and I am glad you feel no hate just empathy. I wish the OW in my situation had something to show her brokeness but I honest to God see her as a narsisist or close to... Even before the A. But o suppose it is possible something made her that way... And now i she is one it is near impossible, with that disorder, to change. As to this OW. I hope she gets her self out of a rut. But as she was a victim of a skeeze I do feel a lot for her. That sort of thing can cause so much emotional stunting. And I'm not saying her current actions are excused because of it but for me to it puts a light on. She is in a bad cycle wish obvious men issues. But seriously, 15? Some adults (men or women) are gross. 1
lilmisscantbewrong Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 (edited) This actually humbles me quite a bit. Being a FOW, the fact that you have so much empathy for her speaks volumes of who you are as a human being. I think when we understand where a person comes from and what they have experienced, it does help us to understand why people do what they do. Although I understand why some would think it's not healthy for you to focus on the OW so much, I think maybe you wanted to find out about her in order to understand why she would do such a thing. When a person has so many bad experiences in relationships, sometimes one gets to the point where they think that is all they deserve. I don't know about my xmom's BS - I think she did love and care for me and was deeply hurt by my actions of betrayal. I think she has done some pretty hateful things after the fact, but I get why - I really do. As far as my feelings about my husband's XMOW, I, too, had sympathy right off the bat for her - still do. She really did fall for my husband and my husband did not choose her. She had to leave a job she liked and friends she worked with. She is in a marriage with a man she claims not to love. Even though she still tries to insert herself into my husband's life when she can (ie pictures of her showing up recently, or just showing up at the office to "see the girls"), I hold not animosity towards her - I really don't. My husband hurt her and that is really hard for me to get past as well - I don't like it that he hurt her that way. It's hard for me to know he was capable of that because most people know him as a passionate, caring, loving family man. It's all so sad. You are amazing - thank you for sharing this. Edited January 31, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong 3
Author waterwoman Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Although I understand why some would think it's not healthy for you to focus on the OW so much, I think maybe you wanted to find out about her in order to understand why she would do such a thing. . Thanks for the compliment. I don't beleive I deserve it but thanks anyway x The quote above is EXACTLY how I feel. Finding out about H's affair was like walking out of my front door and finding that everyone had deer antlers attached to their heads, or the sky was yellow with pink clouds, or that there was an alien space ship floating above our garden. It simply made no sense. None of it. I think I was lucky that I could still feel that way after nearly 30 yrs, but I did. So, yes I have looked and looked again at everything in an attempt to understand. I have always been a 'yes, but WHY?' sort of person - drives H mad sometimes - but I like to try to comprehend. 1
Snowflower Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Perhaps I have just analysed H's motives to death. I've analysed myself to death. Why not the third party in this situation too? You know, I did this too. I talked to my H and I listened to him and analyzed him. I analyzed what I did wrong in the marriage - but I don't want to to get into that discussion of marital problems=affair. I tried to analyze why the OW chose to get involved with my H. I know nothing personal about her so I didn't get too far with that. But I did wonder what type of woman gets involved with a MM. But you know what, it led to nothing but a bunch of wasted mental energy. We can never truly understand another person's motivations...not even our spouse's. And certainly not those of the 3rd party involved. This is why I was telling you not to focus on her and what has happened to her. It doesn't change the situation and I don't think it will ultimately help you to come to terms with what your H did. Analyzing her might give you some type of temporary reprieve but it won't end your questioning. Maybe we all do this at some point as BS...analyze the AP. I know I did to some extent but it got me nothing. That is why I'm telling you to put your focus elsewhere. 1
No Limit Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I wonder what would drive a 15 year old into the bed of an adult man.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 OK. So I am not the only one who feels bad for the OW and then feels bad that I feel bad and then gets angry and then feels bad for her and then gets pissed again and then..... I was going to post something similar before but thought someone would say "How can you feel bad for how her husband treats her or her life after what she did with YOUR husband?" And they have a point. I don't know how i can have compassion toward her. I guess because if I was in a similar situation, which I can say I wouldn't be, but one never knows what could happen when you hit rock bottom, I would want someone to have compassion on me. I still want to rip her hair out and poke out her eyeballs, however. 2
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 It bothers me how my husband ended it as well. He simply cut off contact, no explanation, nothing. That I know of anyhow. She whined on social media for months, about how she missed her "friend" and she didn't know how her friend could wake up one morning and just decide she wasn't important and blah, blah, blah. What I could never figure out, and still can't, is how her husband didn't see all that and say "What the heck is going on?" I know her husband knew a lot about it, even though my husband said he doesn't think the husband cares at all. This actually humbles me quite a bit. Being a FOW, the fact that you have so much empathy for her speaks volumes of who you are as a human being. I think when we understand where a person comes from and what they have experienced, it does help us to understand why people do what they do. Although I understand why some would think it's not healthy for you to focus on the OW so much, I think maybe you wanted to find out about her in order to understand why she would do such a thing. When a person has so many bad experiences in relationships, sometimes one gets to the point where they think that is all they deserve. I don't know about my xmom's BS - I think she did love and care for me and was deeply hurt by my actions of betrayal. I think she has done some pretty hateful things after the fact, but I get why - I really do. As far as my feelings about my husband's XMOW, I, too, had sympathy right off the bat for her - still do. She really did fall for my husband and my husband did not choose her. She had to leave a job she liked and friends she worked with. She is in a marriage with a man she claims not to love. Even though she still tries to insert herself into my husband's life when she can (ie pictures of her showing up recently, or just showing up at the office to "see the girls"), I hold not animosity towards her - I really don't. My husband hurt her and that is really hard for me to get past as well - I don't like it that he hurt her that way. It's hard for me to know he was capable of that because most people know him as a passionate, caring, loving family man. It's all so sad. You are amazing - thank you for sharing this.
Speakingofwhich Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I have found some things out about H’s ex-OW. I want to find her and give her a hug and say I’m sorry for all the **** life has thrown at her. And if there’s anything I can do, short of handing over my H, to help. I really appreciated your post, waterwoman! Imagine you're not only compassionate and empathetic but also an interesting person based on this window into your thoughts! Is nice to read such a post in the infidelity section! 3
No Limit Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 It bothers me how my husband ended it as well. He simply cut off contact, no explanation, nothing. And yet there's no other reaction which would have send the message more clearly than total no contact. Plenty of OWs freak out and won't accept the breakup and run to the wives, seeking revenge, which is something most husbands want to avoid. It also gives a clear sign what these people mean to the WSs when they end it like this - nothing. Nothing at all. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 WW, I was already convinced that you're the most empathetic person on these boards and that was before this thread. It's a remarkable strength. Keeping soaring with it. 2
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 He told me this is essentially what it was like for him. He woke up, realized he was going to lose everything and wanted no contact with her whatsoever. He didn't care anymore what happened to her. He has said a number of times to me, "I don't think about her unless you or a counselor bring her up." Now, I don't totally believe that, but as the months go on I do believe she meant nothing to him. She filled a void he felt he had at the time (but he didn't have that void..I didn't pay the attention he thought I should to him because I was sick, my son was sick, my dad was in a serious accident, my aunt had a heart attack and my mom was also struggling with a debilitating illness...don't get me started on how selfish his ass was at the time!) She had tried to call him shortly after DDay and I don't know what he did the first month, (he says he ignored every single one) but I know after that all calls were ignored and then blocked and then our numbers were changed when her mother tried to call to get support for the OW's pregnant teenager. No, the pregnant teenager is NOT my husband's. Trust me, I've seen photos of her dad, she looks just like that dude. lol. And yet there's no other reaction which would have send the message more clearly than total no contact. Plenty of OWs freak out and won't accept the breakup and run to the wives, seeking revenge, which is something most husbands want to avoid. It also gives a clear sign what these people mean to the WSs when they end it like this - nothing. Nothing at all.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 My word. I've actually gone so far as trying to post supporting things to her on Google Plus without actually naming her. Videos and quotes about how to strengthen a marriage, how to believe God loves you no matter what, how to believe there is redemption. Then I get angry and can't leave it up and take it all down again. It's really hard to wish something good on someone who worked for four years to steal your husband away and then finally got him into bed. (The affair wasn't four years long, but her attempts were and I didn't know how intense they were). But sometimes I really do feel for her and wish she could have a happy life. 1
BetrayedH Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I have to admit that I feel zero empathy for the OM. Not only did he engage with my wife in a year-long affair with our family's money supporting half of their hotel rendezous and leading her to the hotwife website and a threesome with a prostitute but he still has his job, marriage, and kids. It's remarkable I didn't kill the guy. 4
lollipopspot Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 He told me this is essentially what it was like for him. He woke up, realized he was going to lose everything and wanted no contact with her whatsoever. He didn't care anymore what happened to her... She filled a void he felt he had at the time What I don't like about that is that it shows he's a user. He could at least have some compassion for this person he was so intimate with, but it doesn't seem like it's in him, he just used her to get his needs met. This guy can use someone and turn his feelings on a dime. Not attractive. I'd rather be with the cheater who recognizes his mistake, but at least feels bad for the person he used and is turning away from.
snappytomcat Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I really believe my husband was going through a midlife crisis,no excuse to cheat believe me I wanted to castrate him,and beat the crap out of her,but shes an old lady,i was taught to rescpect my elders. but we have lost a lot financially all kinds of stuff going on,and I think hubby saw it all spiriling out of control. anyways on our second mc session,i said I had 2 opportunities to cheat,and she asked me why I didn't,of course I became all self righteous,and said I have morals,self respect,respect for my family,which is all true,but it wasn't until the session after that one,that I felt I had to be honest with myself,and with my hubby,its because im to picky,to vain as he says,i wouldn't act on anything just because someone was available,i would have to be attracted to them,and this is where my hubby said he really felt hurt for several years,because he felt I wasn't attracted to him,that I found him disgusting,in a way he was right I didn't find him attractive anymore,he gained a lot of weight,going bald,i take care of myself,exercise,eat right,always dressed good,i really didn't realize that iwas this vain,i also didn't realize men hurt when they feel they aren't attractive to their wives,i always thought all they cared about is being macho,boy did I have a lot to learn,they are human,with feelings like woman,and emotional beings,he said he jumped at someone who threw herself at him,she found him perfect,and handsome,but he wasn't ever attracted to her at all,she just worshipped the ground he walked on,something I had to learn to do,well not worship the ground he walks on,but I have to give him ,credit for all he does for us,hes a very hardworker,and been a good husband(except for the affair)but over 20 years together,and weve always loved each other,so i have been working on myself,as he is working on himself,im not vain in a bitchy way,im very approachable,my 2 passions in life are rescuing animals,and helping homeless people,i feel like saving the world,one pet,and homeless person at a time. i feel like our old marriage died,and this a new beginning everyday gets better,as far as the ow,i hate her for all emails,and threatening my kids,and it makes me sad that i have hate in my heart,cause im not a hateful person,but i do have to find it in my heart,to forgive her,not for her,but for myself,iam a Christian who has gone through hell my whole life,i believe in God,but im not a religious person,my religion is kindness. and if your wondering i see my husband through different eyes,hes the kindest,handsome man ever,he would do anything for me,and likewise,we make it a point to say we love each other when we fight,never going to bed angry,oh and hes also excersing with me(i was worried about his health)so it makes me happy he is thank you for reading ramblings of bs,whos finding happiness through all this
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