bobwhite007 Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Ok i set a time period for w to come clean. Time is up. My next step was to call his wife but both numbers i had for her have been disconnected and no new numbers show up when i google her name. What to do now? Maybe someone here lives in or close to Covington,Ga knows her? Not sure what to do now . Lawyer says either let it go or proceed with d . I cant do either till i know the truth. I do know iam tired of living like this. Yes she has been doing everything else right. No contact as far as i can tell. They could still be talking but if they are they are doing it on her landline at work or by e-mail from her work computer. I know im obsessing with this but i cant help it. I have started working out and am getting my old body back in shape. That has helped alot. Seeing all those hard bodies at the gym kinda makes my mind " wander" but i dont do any talking or flirting with anyone. I have put a pw on my phone and all but stopped texting or calling my w during the day. A taste of her own medicine if you will. Only thing is either she dosent carre or never in a million years does she think id have a affair of any kind. I really need to speak with his w before i can really move forward. Any suggestions on how to contact her would be helpful. Thanks.
road Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Ok i set a time period for w to come clean. Time is up. My next step was to call his wife but both numbers i had for her have been disconnected and no new numbers show up when i google her name. What to do now? Maybe someone here lives in or close to Covington,Ga knows her? Not sure what to do now . Lawyer says either let it go or proceed with d . I cant do either till i know the truth. I do know iam tired of living like this. Yes she has been doing everything else right. No contact as far as i can tell. They could still be talking but if they are they are doing it on her landline at work or by e-mail from her work computer. I know im obsessing with this but i cant help it. I have started working out and am getting my old body back in shape. That has helped alot. Seeing all those hard bodies at the gym kinda makes my mind " wander" but i dont do any talking or flirting with anyone. I have put a pw on my phone and all but stopped texting or calling my w during the day. A taste of her own medicine if you will. Only thing is either she dosent carre or never in a million years does she think id have a affair of any kind. I really need to speak with his w before i can really move forward. Any suggestions on how to contact her would be helpful. Thanks. There for pay internet sites for contact info. Or hire a PI. Though another example of staying on one thread. I do not know your story.
Author bobwhite007 Posted January 31, 2014 Author Posted January 31, 2014 Dont think back story would make much difference ,basicallly i suspected started snoopin found some stuff and went all to hell and either stopped it or sent it futher underground.There for pay internet sites for contact info. Or hire a PI. Though another example of staying on one thread. I do not know your story.
ComingInHot Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 Oh if you REALLY want to you can find her. Just keep searching. Facebook, LinkedIn, intellli-search, White Pages, if she works the business name then website. .. She'll pop up eventually. Maybe by the H's name? Or... You can get into or stay in IC or MC and learn to let go, or D and let go. No matter the course you choose, none of it is easy. I'm so sorry. Been close to where you are with wanting more of the truth. Sucks. 2
BrokenPrincess Posted February 1, 2014 Posted February 1, 2014 Why do you think his wife has the truth to give you??? Sounds like more fixating on the wrong things and procrastinating actual taking any steps that can get you resolution. 2
Author bobwhite007 Posted February 2, 2014 Author Posted February 2, 2014 (edited) Why do you think his wife has the truth to give you??? Sounds like more fixating on the wrong things and procrastinating actual taking any steps that can get you resolution.she may or may not know the truth.maybe he has a history with this sort of thing. .i think i have given myself and her plenty of time.i have tried but it wont leave my mind. Edited February 2, 2014 by bobwhite007 confusing
janedoe67 Posted February 2, 2014 Posted February 2, 2014 I think it is time, too, to bring everything you think out into the open with this other person. IF there is/was an A it will come out, and if not, maybe once and for all your W will wake up and have enough. 1
Author bobwhite007 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 I think it is time, too, to bring everything you think out into the open with this other person. IF there is/was an A it will come out, and if not, maybe once and for all your W will wake up and have enough. So you dont think she has done anything? I keep going back and forth on what to believe. The tanning has stopped,the weight loss has reversed,the nails dont get painted every night,the landscaping is getting out of control,she s gone back to her normal routine of keeping house. She has quit with the hysterical "bonding". It all sounds great and it is, but what happened still happened and i need to know. I havent been an ass and made her life miserable by no means. Idont grill her everyday about it. I havent said anything about it at all in several weeks. But i still dont sleep well and its always the first thing on my mind when i wake up. Why dont i just leave? I think i would still be haunted with it no matter the circustance and i have to stick to my word and vows and she knows it. If i find out they had sex all that goes out the window,if it was just a ea then maybe we could recover. I do know that this way is no fun. I suppose all the deleted texts would tell the truth but wonder share didnt work at all. Im thinking i may tell her im taking her phone somewhere to have them retrievd and see the reaction i get. That may be enough for me to either get over it or have the papers served. 1
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Are you saying, if its "only" EA, then there is a marriage, but if there was PA, then it's a deal breaker? Here's the problem: You want to save your marriage BUT ONLY depending on whether some other guy had is penis in her vagina? Or is any PA a deal breaker? What scares me is that EA means nothing but PA means everything! It might be useful for you to ask yourself a more simple question: Do I want to save MY marriage? Notice that SHE is not in this equation. It's all about YOU As it should be all about him. It is always up to the BS to decide what they can forgive and what they can not forgive. If the line is drawn at an EA. Well tough cookies for the WS if they went past that line and the EA turned into a PA.
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Not much incentive there to be 100% honest, if the threat is clear. As a woman she is probably wondering why you are so prepared to accept her EA and not her PA, but thats a gender thing. No WW is wondering. Women know that men are very visual and action oriented. Talk is cheap. What is done is more important to men. For a man to hear that is WW told the OM she loved him. Is just talk. Bull manure walks. Money talks. Meaning talk is Bull $h!t. For a WW to give herself up physically took more effort and gave up more things important then just talk. 1
harrybrown Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Is she remorseful? Will she not write you a timeline of the affair? If it is bothering you, talk to her about it. Do not rug sweep. Schedule a polygraph. And get the deleted texts. Stand up for yourself. Does she work with him? she should get another job. Has she written a NC letter for you to send? Is she is not helping you heal and if she is not working hard for your marriage, it takes two trying very hard to get it to work. You can't fix it by yourself and you will not get past it without the truth. If you don't get her helping, it is time to file. 1
Owl Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Bob- I've been waiting to see true 'action' on your part for quite a while. Have you called his wife? Let's see it. Today would be outstanding. Time for something to change! 1
BHsigh Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 That's a pretty empty analysis of what is going on in an affair. Both EA and PA. If that were the best of what an EA and PA had to offer no one would have affairs. If men knew what Intimacy, communication, affirmation, and connection came from an EA they would be more worried about how it was going to affect getting their marriage back, believe me. And I'm sure that you're right, but there is a finality to a physical connection that makes it really hard to forgive, more so than emotions. Emotions can change over time, it's not hard to believe that someone can leave and come back emotionally, but a PA? There is no way that can be changed, she will forever have had another man inside of her. Physical intimacy is a huge deal for a lot of men, I know it is for me. It may sound backwards, but that is my view on it. 2
tired girl Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Schedule a poly. The truth will come from your W. If she won't agree, file. 1
Author bobwhite007 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Are you saying, if its "only" EA, then there is a marriage, but if there was PA, then it's a deal breaker? Here's the problem: You want to save your marriage BUT ONLY depending on whether some other guy had is penis in her vagina? Or is any PA a deal breaker? What scares me is that EA means nothing but PA means everything! It might be useful for you to ask yourself a more simple question: Do I want to save MY marriage? Notice that SHE is not in this equation. It's all about YOU, your decisions, your emotions, your commitment. When I was trying to decide whether to stay or bail, I first got past the issue of being cuckolded. Its a destructive male vanity issue and it took a while, but I managed to get past that. But then I was left with the real question: Did I want to remain in a relationship with a person who did what they did behind my back. Simple, again NOT about the WS, but about what I was willing to live with. EA, PA, EA-PA, PA-EA, it was not the issue. The issue was about the choice of person I was going to spend the rest of my life with, hopefully, or not, and if I was going to forgive the whole issue. NOT about whether she had oral sex, he had it, etc. etc. It's not healthy to let the behaviors of others dictate our needs directly. Of course you have a need to know. That makes sense. But maybe attaching your need to know A or B in terms of STAY or GO is not the real issue. If it is, no wonder she wants you to think A, because if its B you end it. Period. Not much incentive there to be 100% honest, if the threat is clear. As a woman she is probably wondering why you are so prepared to accept her EA and not her PA, but thats a gender thing. Thanks for the input. What you say makes sense. If she didnt have sex with him i wonder what stopped her. I really dont know what to do. I tried calling his wife but her number has been disconnected. Another number for her dosent come up anywhere , but maybe i dont need to talk to her. I know for sure they wereup to something. What it was i guess really shouldnt matter. From what i could make out from there conversation it was more than business. The boundry was crossed. I have talked to my wife about it and she just says she didnt do anything wrong. Only way to find out would be to read those text messages. Iam thinking there were some pics as well. Alot of times when she was texting him a number 6425 showed up right after his number on the bill. This hasnt shown up since. I dont know what that was. It looks to me like im gonna have to just make up my mind on what to do. I dont think i will ever really know the truth. I do think the texts can be recoverd but iam not sure.thanks everone for lettin me vent and your opinions do help. Thanks for not bashing me too bad.
road Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Schedule a poly. The truth will come from your W. If she won't agree, file. And I'm sure that you're right, but there is a finality to a physical connection that makes it really hard to forgive, more so than emotions. Emotions can change over time, it's not hard to believe that someone can leave and come back emotionally, but a PA? There is no way that can be changed, she will forever have had another man inside of her. Physical intimacy is a huge deal for a lot of men, I know it is for me. It may sound backwards, but that is my view on it. Exactly it is easier to hear a WW say after an EA I thought I loved the OM, what was I thinking, he was a POS. People say I wish they would die. Though no body died. People can later on admit it was just emotions speaking out. They did not really want anyone to die. Those words are able to be taken back. Once a WW lets the OM repeatedly plow her there is no taking back that the WW gave up her body to the OM. The WW words saying after the affair to a BH that I thought the sex with the OM was great but now I realize that it was not. Does not help the BH or undo the sex the WW had with the OM. 1
Realist3 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 So basically after a year you still don't have anything of worth in terms of evidence, just a few calls, texts and you know they have met at a park once. She denies anything happened, and so does the guy. There was something you said that struck me in the thread you made last month. The close friends I confided in abandoned me, I don't hear from them. Why does this happen? It it because you are obsessed? Or is it because they don't think you have a compelling case? I'm going to guess a combination of both and they had enough. Heck there are posters here that are displaying frustration with you and they don't even know you. Think about that. Maybe the other guy was nice and polite to you because there was nothing going on... I'm going to revise my previous advice of 'just legging it go because of no real proof', to get the divorce. You are never going to find the evidence to confirm your suspicions, and you will continue to drive yourself, and probably you wife crazy with those suspicions forever, it has already been a year after all. I'm not suggesting that you get the divorce because I think your wife cheated, I don't know one way or the other, but no compelling evidence has been provided thus far. No, I'm suggesting divorce because of the way she treats you and because you are driving yourself crazy with this. It is not a healthy place to be for you or her. I know it is hard after 30 years, but you are chasing a fools errand. Someone mentioned previously to seek individual counseling, and I think that would be very beneficial to you at this point, probably much earlier. You have said you talked to a lawyer. What is his read on the situation and your evidence? Get him to draw up divorce papers and serve her with them. In terms of talking to this other guy's wife that is a total waste of time and very unfair to her to place your unconfirmed suspicions on her mind. 1
Author bobwhite007 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 So basically after a year you still don't have anything of worth in terms of evidence, just a few calls, texts and you know they have met at a park once. She denies anything happened, and so does the guy. There was something you said that struck me in the thread you made last month. Why does this happen? It it because you are obsessed? Or is it because they don't think you have a compelling case? I'm going to guess a combination of both and they had enough. Heck there are posters here that are displaying frustration with you and they don't even know you. Think about that. Maybe the other guy was nice and polite to you because there was nothing going on... I'm going to revise my previous advice of 'just legging it go because of no real proof', to get the divorce. You are never going to find the evidence to confirm your suspicions, and you will continue to drive yourself, and probably you wife crazy with those suspicions forever, it has already been a year after all. I'm not suggesting that you get the divorce because I think your wife cheated, I don't know one way or the other, but no compelling evidence has been provided thus far. No, I'm suggesting divorce because of the way she treats you and because you are driving yourself crazy with this. It is not a healthy place to be for you or her. I know it is hard after 30 years, but you are chasing a fools errand. Someone mentioned previously to seek individual counseling, and I think that would be very beneficial to you at this point, probably much earlier. You have said you talked to a lawyer. What is his read on the situation and your evidence? Get him to draw up divorce papers and serve her with them. In terms of talking to this other guy's wife that is a total waste of time and very unfair to her to place your unconfirmed suspicions on her mind. thanks for keeping it real. I dont want to be divorced. I have pursued this woman since the first time i saw her. She is a very beautiful person. She is very smart. I have never wavered in any fashion or even would consider it. I became very dependent on her, not financially but in 1000 other ways. I have never had to worry about anything except for going to work and bring home money. She did/dose everything else including a successful career outside of the home. I ve never really been jealous to the point i am now. She has always worked around men. I never one time even thought she was fooling around. This was somehow different. i have nothing that proves anything.? I would have said go ahead and try to get her attentions a year and a half ago. Now i say go ahead and try, but there was a time i say i dunno.
beach Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Do you think their numbers changed because she alerted him? 2
atreides Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 @beach that is something i was thinking also. I recall Bob sort of confronting her and she saying and i paraphrase "it bothers you that you cannot find anything." something along those lines. This is why Bob also wants concrete proof, she has gaslighted him before and will do so again. I think Bob let on too much he has been snooping and perhaps there is a 2nd phone or a change of the way the communicate. 3
Author bobwhite007 Posted February 3, 2014 Author Posted February 3, 2014 Do you think their numbers changed because she alerted him? Yes . I told her i had her number and would call.
kalimata Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 Bobwhite007: There are many ways to contact the OMW besides phone. Do you have her address? Why not pay a personal visit? If not send a certified letter, or better yet hire a process server to hand-deliver a letter. Just make sure your letter is not intercepted by OM. I agree with others. Whether or not your WW had sexual intercourse during her A is irrelevant. YOU should make the decision on whether or not you want to R. Don't base this decision on a sexual act or not. DO YOU still love her? If so then the fact that she had sex with this OM plays a tiny role. You can learn to forgive her either way, don't make an issue out of it. Does your wife have an iphone? If so there is software you can buy that can retrieve deleted iphone text messages. Same for android. If this doesn't work out, insist that she call up her phone company and have a complete log of her cell phone texts printed out and sent to you. Some phone companies require a subpoena for this, but sometimes will comply if a person asks for their own records. I agree with others that the next step is a polygraph test. Only problem is that polygraphs are limited to yes/no answers and a maximum of 5-6 questions. So you wont get very far. Instead the mere threat of a polygraph often gets WS to confess in the parking lot. You might consider scheduling a polygraph, and then while waiting in the parking lot ask her one last time to spill the beans. You will probably get a load of truth in one single swoop. Sorry you are here my man. I feel for you.
Bryanp Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You caught her with the guy in a park in the past and failed to even go up to them. What is wrong with this picture? 1
Realist3 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 thanks for keeping it real. I dont want to be divorced. I have pursued this woman since the first time i saw her. She is a very beautiful person. She is very smart. I have never wavered in any fashion or even would consider it. I became very dependent on her, not financially but in 1000 other ways. I have never had to worry about anything except for going to work and bring home money. She did/dose everything else including a successful career outside of the home. I ve never really been jealous to the point i am now. She has always worked around men. I never one time even thought she was fooling around. This was somehow different. i have nothing that proves anything.? I would have said go ahead and try to get her attentions a year and a half ago. Now i say go ahead and try, but there was a time i say i dunno. One of the most important ways to judge the worth of a relationship is, "What does this person do for you? How do they treat you?" She claims nothing has ever happened. The alleged MM says nothing happened. She still does all of these things for you and your household despite your repeated accusations. You have never hinted that she has checked out of the marriage. If she wanted to leave she would leave. Actions should speak very loudly. I know I changed my mind on the advise and that is because I just don't see you every putting this behind you, these suspicions. As I mentioned to you several months back I have seen a couple of men do this and ended up divorcing over nothing, but alas it was their only way to get over their own mental state. I wish you the best.
Realist3 Posted February 3, 2014 Posted February 3, 2014 You caught her with the guy in a park in the past and failed to even go up to them. What is wrong with this picture? This of course this was the largest single opportunity to get to the bottom of this, but... alas he missed it. I'm also sure he asked the other guy about it when he was on the phone. It still does not difinitively prove anything.
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