It's over.

[DontWorryBHappy]

We broke up today. I guess I'm the dumpee, since I really wanted it to continue and just had to mutually agree to break up since that's what he felt was best….

 

I met him exactly 3 months ago. Don't judge too hard on the length of time though - he's my next door neighbor (real convenient right now, right?) and we've spent A LOT of time together… really became close. He's 20 and I'm 24, so there's a decent age gap, and he's certainly at that age where you question everything in your life, including whether you're ready to jump into a serious thing with someone. We were official within a few weeks and he was the first to say I love you. Both of us have said those three words countless times, between sharing many amazing nights, days, and memories together. But over the past couple weeks he started asking me if he thought that we were moving too quick. Not only did he question if he was ready to be seriously in love, but he questioned our compatibility and whether we were similar enough in the way we get along. We talked through those moments and he said he was just being scared, and did love me.

 

Last night we had a nice dinner, a lovely night, and lots of i love yous and intimacy. Then today after eating out, we pull into the parking lot and he drops a bomb by asking me if we can talk about what it means to love. Being that he had freaked me out with his previous doubts, my heart sank. He told me that he felt we had moved too fast and that "love" is too serious for where he's at right now. He said that he liked me a lot though and asked if we could just slow the relationship down. Me, being in love, was devastated to hear him say he was not, so I told him I wanted to walk inside to my place (which I did).

 

A few minutes later I called him, asking him to come over (remember he lives next door… was pretty simple). So he comes over and explains that he likes me a lot, but that something about us doesn't seem to totally click. He said it had to do with the smoothness of communication between us, concerning how we connect on different things. He said that I seem a bit stiff at times…. And that's when I told him that I actually have been really over-analyzing the way I talk to people and interact, because I was trying excessively hard to be the kind of person that I want to be - which is cool, calm, collected, positive… But I think I tried so hard to do that, that I became too calculating in my thoughts and words. I'm not sure if this was the main reason for things failing, because he also mentioned that he feels really unsure about his future and is worried about making a commitment to a relationship that is very serious.. but to be honest I'm focused more on the first reason (because it's something directly about me)… That being said, it isn't as though we didn't connect. We've had many deep conversations, and he always told me how understanding he believes I am and how he can talk to me about things that are bothering him. Plus we've shared countless laughs and great memories… but he said it's just a general vibe thing that is the problem.

 

I was devastated, and cried with him (although I'm thinking our tears each meant something slightly different). I'm probably still devastated right now, but am currently too numb to feel it. I guess I don't know whether to blame myself for being too analytical about my words and actions, and perhaps driving him away, or if I should accept that this would've happened anyway. Part of me thinks maybe it would have, because the first time he expressed doubt about us moving too quickly and him being committed was at the end of November. Did I drive him away? The eternal question. I feel sick knowing that he's right next door from me for a very long time, yet we're no longer together. I told him that he meant the world to me, and meant it. We parted on good terms. I told him that I'm not sure whether I want him to make contact or not (this was after he asked if he wanted to reach out after a couple days, if it would be ok). The last thing I want is any sympathy, to be reached out to because of any feelings of guilt or the like… I just told him that I felt if he found a reason to believe that we could do this again, he would reach out rather than myself, and that we should not have any concrete plan to talk.. but maybe one day we'll find a good reason to. We left on those terms and smiled.

 

Inside I know I'm devastated. I really loved this guy, and never wanted it to be over. It's hard to accept that he was doubting the relationship and was trying to convince himself that it was a good idea to stay in it (he basically told me this). He says he's lost some of his romantic feelings and feels more of an affectionate companionship… (Believe me, that's not how it seemed one night ago). It's all too confusing. I just want to find myself again and not break from this. Of course I've already removed him from social media (actually, I told him I would do this for my own sanity). And he's sleeping next door, as he will every night. And I just have to allow him to slowly become another person in the world.

Edited January 31, 2014 by DontWorryBHappy

[KelC411]

Hi Dontworry. First things first: This is about him, not you. I am not saying that you can't learn from this, and as a fellow over-analyzer, I think we do need to work on being more comfortable with ourselves and less calculating. HOWEVER, I am going to guess that you have been that way for a while and that you were that way already when he told you he loved you.

 

 

It certainly doesn't sound like you pressured him into anything, since he said he loved you first and then continued on in that. But for whatever reason, he doesn't want that anymore. That is NOT your fault. If he got spooked by moving too quickly then that it his fault too, because its not like you forced him in to anything. And you could've worked on that together if he truly wanted to.

 

 

But for his own reasons he doesn't want the relationship anymore. Maybe he has his own issues, who knows. it doesn't really matter. What matters is that you sound like a really nice person and you deserve someone who loves you even when you over-analyze things. You deserve someone who won't cut and run because of their feelings. I am not saying he is a terrible person or anything, I'm sure he is doing what he thinks it best, but that still means he is not the right person for you.

 

 

Take some time to heal. Go NC. I know he is your neighbor, so that will be tough, but the sooner you take time away from him, the better. Don't try to be friends right away. You need to heal and you can't do that if he is constantly poking at the wound.

 

 

I know you are devastated and I am so so sorry. I wish I could say something that would take that away, but unfortunately, you will have to feel those emotions and push through. hang out with friends, go on walks, listen to music, take care of yourself. You will get through it. When you are feeling better, you can look back and maybe learn what you can do differently, if anything, next time.

 

 

Hang in there, we are all here for you! <3