trynforget Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I can't decide for myself, hence the reason I have came to this forum. I have read many stories on here and found many great pieces of advice left for people in desperate need of answers such as myself. Why is it so difficult to let go of the woman you love, even when she has done so many hurtful things to you? This is the mother of my children, and I was with her for four years. We started as bestfriends and fell in love very quickly and very strongly. We were so close emotionally, and could talk about anything together. Neither of us were scared to open up to one another. We had an unbelievable sex life, it felt so perfect I can't even put it into words, just simply amazing...true love making! I still can't wrap my head around where we went wrong or when but somehow someway we did. Our first three years together were perfect but the last year we were together there were many arguments. She was always the type to run when things got heated instead of sticking around and fixing them so we never got to the core of our issues. She would go stay with her parents for a few days or weeks depending on how serious the fight was and then we would talk and makeup and pretend as if nothing ever happened. I had found out that during these fights she had hung out with two of her ex bfs from a while back. She swore that nothing ever happened but whether it did or not is debatable. It crushed me to know she was looking to other men for affection. I had trust issues towards her after this which made the relationship unstable. Four months ago she told me she wasn't happy together any longer, took the kids and left. This caused me to have severe depression. I didn't eat for a week, couldn't focus at work and was at the lowest point I've ever been in my life and still am to be honest. Within a few weeks of being broken up she had already begun hanging out with another man. They started dating and up until a few days ago were still together. The first month or so of their relationship we didn't talk besides planning what days for who with our children. I couldn't believe she had moved on so quick and didn't see how she could have ever loved me. I was trying to just get on with my life the best I could. She then started calling and texting me everyday all throughout the day for stupid things, basically just making up reasons to talk. I fell into her games and we went out to breakfast a few times with the kids and spend xmas together. During these times together she would tell me how she wasn't even happy with her bf and missed me and our family etc etc. I eventually told her I couldn't continue this because it wasn't allowing me to move on and couldn't do it any longer. She would accept that but within a few days she would be back to trying the same thing. Finally the other night she had text me and asked if she could come by. Like an idiot I allowed her to and we ended up making love. She had told me that night she broke up with her bf the day before that and wanted to try counseling with me to see if we could fix us and get our family back. The thought of having my family back together sounded great and I agreed I would try. Yesterday out of the blue I get a text from her ex bf who I had never spoke with telling me him and her were done and that he thought me and her should try to work things out because the whole time they were together she was always talking about me and calling me and he knew she still had feelings. He also said he was tired of her games and that she admitted she came to my house but slept with him two days after that and then broke up with him the following day. She had told me when she came over that they were completely done so basically she was playing us both. I just don't get this woman. How can she say she loves me but do all this hurtful things to me over and over again when she knows how deeply I care about her and want our family back together. I am just so ashamed of myself. Even though she has hurt me so much I still find ways to make excuses for her actions and convince myself she loves me when I know she can't. Should I just say forget the counseling and cut her off completely or should I attempt counseling and try to get our family fixed?
No Limit Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 With a person unstable like this, and so insecure and trying to avoid confrontation, I'd doubt that counseling would do much. Her real issues lay far deeper and far beyond your reach. I'd cut her out if I were you.
Catfish Posted January 31, 2014 Posted January 31, 2014 I know its hard but give her a chance. It's about your kids! Put them first. I know she did some bad things but you have a family. Think about: How much you will see your kids? What will their life be like? What about the risk to your kids if she brings other men into their life? It all adds up to giving her a chance if at all possible. Take it slow and make her earn her way back.
Catfish Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 TNF, How are things going? Here's a little evidence on how much your kids would be exposed to abuse as a result of a divorce. Dr. Phil.com - Advice - Parenting in the Real World: Shocking Statistics Did you know that compared to a child living in what researchers refer to as an intact family: A child with a biological mother who lives alone is 14 times more likely to suffer abuse. A child with a biological father who lives alone is 20 times more likely to suffer abuse. A child with biological parents who are cohabitating but not married is 20 times more likely to suffer abuse. And, most shocking of all: A child with a biological mother who is living with a man who is not the child’s father is 33 times more likely to suffer abuse. (Source: Dreamcatchers for Abused Children) When I’ve presented these statistics to audiences on my show, the reaction is incredulity. But there’s more: Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents. (Source: Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics, 2005.) Children of single parents had 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. (Source: National Incidence Study)
Winter blue Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 With a person unstable like this, and so insecure and trying to avoid confrontation, I'd doubt that counseling would do much. Her real issues lay far deeper and far beyond your reach. I'd cut her out if I were you. ^ this. It'll be hard to re-build the trust, given the fact she was lying to your face, and if she jump back into a relationship with you straight after ending another one, you will become her rebound more or less. She needs time to grow, to learn from her mistakes. And you can't help her with that. If she truly wants you back now, she can wait.
aliveagain Posted February 4, 2014 Posted February 4, 2014 She has always had some ex waiting in the background. She had a new man as soon as she left you. I think you will only get more of the same if you get back with her. One of the things that Dr. Phil says since someone has quoted him is "It's better for children to come from a broken home than be in one." This girl needs years of work, are you ready for that?
Author trynforget Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 She has always had some ex waiting in the background. She had a new man as soon as she left you. I think you will only get more of the same if you get back with her. One of the things that Dr. Phil says since someone has quoted him is "It's better for children to come from a broken home than be in one." This girl needs years of work, are you ready for that? Of course Id be ready for that! This is the women I was willing to spend my life,that's whats wrong with society today and why the divorce rate is so high,no one wants to fight for their relationships anymore. "years of work ahhh screw it" and on to the next! No...if you love someone you fight your way through the obstacles.
Author trynforget Posted February 6, 2014 Author Posted February 6, 2014 I know its hard but give her a chance. It's about your kids! Put them first. I know she did some bad things but you have a family. Think about: How much you will see your kids? What will their life be like? What about the risk to your kids if she brings other men into their life? It all adds up to giving her a chance if at all possible. Take it slow and make her earn her way back.[/quote I understand your point about my children but at the same time I don't want to expose them to a toxic relationship. It's a very tough decision to make. We have been hanging out lately and it seems as if this time apart helped us both to grow. She said I wasn't emotionally there for her and she was looking for instant gratification in a bad time in her life. We both do love each other but I'm concerned I won't be able to trust her again.
Trep Posted February 6, 2014 Posted February 6, 2014 Well she proved she has no qualms about cheating on someone when she slept with you prior to breaking up with this other guy. So I am fairly confident in saying that she most likely was sleeping with her ex's when she went to them after you two would have an argument. Before giving her a second chance, since she already showed she will lie to you by saying she broke up with the other guy already, I would be doing some research to find out just how honest she is being with you about the whole ex situation.
somegoodman Posted February 7, 2014 Posted February 7, 2014 I hate to break it to you man, but she will have no respect for you if you take her back after cheating. No respect = no love. There are plenty of women out there who hate their husbands and remain in their marriages because they have no other options. Don't put yourself in that position. Tell her to go to hell and never speak to her again.
redbaron005 Posted February 8, 2014 Posted February 8, 2014 I can't decide for myself...Why is it so difficult to let go of the woman you love, even when she has done so many hurtful things to you?.... I am just so ashamed of myself. Even though she has hurt me so much I still find ways to make excuses for her actions and convince myself she loves me when I know she can't. Should I just say forget the counseling and cut her off completely or should I attempt counseling and try to get our family fixed? You clearly love her still. How do you know she can't love you? If she is still willing, you might want to give counseling a shot, regardless of whether or not this leads to you two getting back together.
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